DATE #4

To say that Severus Snape hadn't been enjoying his newfound dating life, curtesy of The Dark Lord's newly formed Death Eater Dating Service, would be a profound understatement. So far, a polyjuiced Hermione Granger had been his most successful date and he'd stormed out of that one. Now after an extended argument with the proprietress over last week's bill which nearly ended in hexes on both sides, the proprietress having adding a few suspiciously large charges on the bill for wine that neither he nor his underage 'date' had ordered or drunk, Snape was sitting at his usual table, the one with the wonky leg, waiting impatiently for his next date who was currently twenty minutes late.

"Oh Seeveeruus" called a disturbing and familiar voice that sent chills sliding down his spine (or was that the proprietress casting a freezing jinx at his back?), "Bellatrix... what are YOU doing here?" he asked, trying to keep his voice civil as the wild-eyed right-hand woman of The Dark Lord casually dropped into the chair across from him.

"I've come to help you, Severus." she said in her sweetest tone, which was always a bad sign. "We are… friends… aren't we?"

Hardly. I'd rather have a dinner date with Voldemort than you. At least he's halfway sane. Well, 1/3 sane maybe. But he's still more sane than Bellatrix bloody LeStrange, he thought, while saying, "To what do I owe the pleasure, Bellatrix?"

"I've heard that your dates haven't been going well." She said, with false sympathy.

"The understatement of the year." He replied, "A wet blanket, my own probably highly inbreed cousin, and... a… um… a mad woman."

"She wasn't mad before you got to her Severus." Laughed Bellatrix, "In fact the way she wanders around bumping into people I'd say she's been badly cunfunded."

"If she was cunfundused it was before our date." Said Snape, smoothly covering for the annoying little know-it-all who had done the cunfunding, "She certainly wasn't sane during it."

"None-the-less it has led to a sad lack of volunteers in our ranks." Said Bellatrix in a falsely mournful tone, "It seems no one wants to date you anymore Severus."

"I am profoundly relieved to hear it." He said, and he meant it with all his heart.

"Don't be like that Severus. I know what it's like to be lonely..."

"Lonely? Why should you be lonely, Bella dear?" He asked, "As I recall you've been married to Rodolphus for more than… twenty years."

"Yet still we are childless." She said, leaning frightfully close to Snape, "Just like you, Severus, I also am childless and alone. Our family lines will die with us..."

"Pah!" said Snape, "There are at least a dozen LeStranges remaining in Britain alone, Bella, and the Black line will live on as well through Draco and..."

"Don't you dare mention that wolf whelp!" said Bellatrix, raising one clawed hand to point at Snape's chest, "He's no nephew to me!"

"I believe the correct term is grand-nephew actually." Said Snape, dryly.

If Bellatrix took this an insult, she didn't show it. Pity, because he'd meant it as one. Her face changed, and her eyes grew unfocused as one of her famous mood changes overtook her, "Perhaps Rudolphus and I waited too long to marry... "she said with a mournful sigh, "I was all dried up..."

"At seventeen?" he said, genuinely bewildered.

"My father was thirteen when I was born." She said, almost as an afterthought.

"Surely that must be a mistake."

"Did you just call me a mistake?" she asked, fingering her wand as her mood switched again and her eyes flashed with malice.

"I just thought you might have the dates wrong." Said Snape, soothingly, "Even for the Black family thirteen is a prodigious age to start a lineage."

"The family is very proud of it!" she insisted.

"Be that as it may, I refuse to have a dinner date with a married woman. Out of... respect for Rudolphus."

"No one respects Rudolphus!" she countered, "He never even leaves the house anymore unless The Dark Lord calls him. Always reading those filthy old tomes..."

"Yes, blech on reading" said Snape acerbically.

"He's infertile you know" she said, "He doesn't even show any interest in me anymore. Not since Azkaban…" she placed one of her taloned hands on Snape's arm. "The Dark Lord won't mind… Rudolphus won't mind… why shouldn't we please ourselves?" she asked. "And if a child should be born…!" her voice sounded dangerous as well as desperate.

With deliberate haste Snape removed Bellatrix's hand from his arm, "I am truly flattered, Bella, but I am also… uninterested."

"YOU dare to reject me? You?!" Bella bellowed, startling the other diners, and sending anyone who recognized her fleeing for the exit. "You're nothing but a sniveling half-breed dog that The Dark Lord keeps on his lead!"

"If you're into leads Bella, I can introduce you to a werewolf… oh wait, no need. He's your nephew-in-law."

"I'll kill for you that insult!" she cried, rising for her chair and brandishing her wand.

"Put it away Bella." Said a bored voice.

"My Lord!" said Snape, rising from his own chair and raising his occulmency shields.

"My Lord!" said, Bellatrix, nearly tripping over her feet in the effort to bow lower and faster than Snape.

"What is going on here Bella?" asked The Dark Lord who shall not be named. "I sent you to gather intelligence on Potter's movements and I find you here… with Severus."

"My Lord, she came to tell me that I am, regrettably, no longer considered a desirable date by your female followers." Said Snape, deferentially.

"Their desire is of no consequence to me." Said The Dark Lord, "You may go, Bella." He waved an imperious hand in her direction which sent the toadying woman scurrying swiftly away, "It is MY desire that you should have a wife, Severus. A… reward for your exemplary service to me."

"My Lord, I fear it is impossible. I am too… disliked."

"They will do as their lord commands. Name the woman and I give her to you. If she is married, then I will… kill… her husband immediately, and see to it that her grief is… short lived."

"Alas, I fear that…"

"Are you disregarding my wishes, Severus?" asked The Dark Lord in a deceptively benign voice. "I told you that I wanted to reward you… and that I wanted my followers to have children. Many… pure-blooded children."

"It is difficult, My Lord, for me to think of such things now. Perhaps after the war…"

"After the war will be too late. You must have a child, Severus. Power like yours should be passed on…"

Could he BE any more obvious? Thought Snape, He's clearly planning on killing me. That's why he's so keen to marry me off. Well, I won't do it. "Perhaps I was too hasty, my lord." Said Snape, "I would be… happy to continue to meet whomever you deem worthy." He said with a humble tone and a pragmatic mind.

"I don't think the dating scene is really in your line, Severus…. you are too picky. Too difficult to please." The Dark Lord paused, "I think perhaps someone you already know would be a better companion for you. I do believe that… Narcissa Malfoy would be more to your taste. A fine woman of noble birth, who has already proven her fertility once… yes!" The Dark Lord was clearly getting excited about this idea, much to Snape's horror. "And it would give me an opportunity to pay out Lucius as he deserves for his stupidity and his disobedience…"

"My Lord!" said Snape, thinking fast. "Narcissa is of course a very fine woman, but I think she is far too… too… old to… bear me the many… fine sons… that… I… desire." Never say that I didn't do you a favor, Lucius.

"Ahhhh" said The Dark Lord, "Has teaching at Hogwarts all these years given you a taste for young flesh, Severus? I never would've suspected that from you. Children are more in Greyback's line."

"I was not speaking of children, My Lord." Said Snape through gritted teeth. "I was merely suggesting that a wife under forty might give a better chance at multiple healthy offspring… that is what we… both want… after all."

"Very well." Said The Dark Lord, "I will find you a wife among my followers' daughters, Severus. However, it may prove difficult... most are already married by the time they reach adulthood."

"I am painfully aware of that… difficulty, my lord."

"In the meantime, I wish you to continue to date whomever can be found for you here. They may not meet your strident standards, Severus, but the practice will do you good. You are sorely lacking in your social skills."

Says the psychopath who doesn't even understand love, let alone feel it himself. "Very well, My Lord" said Snape, "I am after all… yours to command."