F: We need to talk.
Castis glanced down at the message that had popped up on his omni-tool then back up at the horizon. A thin line of pink was all that remained of the sun that had dipped below the landscape, retreating from the dark that stretched above them in a dome of deep blue. He shifted uncomfortably from where he was sitting, plopped down on a makeshift mound of dirt.
A boom echoed out, ringing in his ears and accompanied by the pling! of a small metal provisions container being flung into the air from the force of the bullet that had pierced it. It skipped across the ground, until it finally settled on its side, smoke swirling out from the bullet hole.
"What a shot!" Marcella shouted, lowering the rifle and looking over at Castis with a smug pull of her mandibles. "If I do say so myself…"
"Very nice." he agreed, a little absentmindedly. She really was good, especially with that Phaeston. He silently wondered what she could do with a more familiar weapon in her hands. He shifted a little from where he was sitting. The anxiousness gave way to a flutter of affection, but only briefly.
She took aim again, eyes narrowed, hands perfectly still and feet planted on the hard earth. After a moment, another boom rattled Castis's chest, echoing out across the dirt sea. Another metal container caught the light as it spun in the air and fell out of sight, landing somewhere he couldn't see.
"Yes…!" Marcella sighed contently and took a step back. "I love this rifle."
Castis looked back down at his omni-tool, still open to Fedorian's message. The orange interface blinding in the low light of the evening.
At first, he hadn't even realized how strange it was that Fedorian had sent him a text message instead of calling. Watching Marcella happily in her element was mesmerizing and Fedorian tended to bother him about plenty of unimportant matters at inopportune times.
But a cold feeling of unease was starting to settle in that he found hard to ignore.
"You saw that, right? Tell me you saw that!"
"Uh, yeah," Castis gave his head a quick shake, tabbing off the omni-tool. A silly thing to be occupied with. He willed himself to stay in the present and make the most of this precious time with her. "It was…"
He looked up at Marcella, towering over him. He took in the subtle curves of her body, her waist cocked to the side, a hand on her hip The way the last rays of the sun hit the curves of her face, reflecting off her silver-gray plates. The ice-blue eyes that seemed to sparkle in the light and the confident way she always set her jaw.
"...beautiful." he mumbled.
"I know." She shouldered the rifle, closing one eye and sticking a thumb out toward the mangled target lying in the dirt. "Clean too."
With a groan, she flopped down on the dirt beside him, tucking her knees to her chest. "Now this is a gun." she rumbled contently, setting the rifle down at her side and giving it an almost tender pat. "Of course, it doesn't hurt that I'm a hell of a shot."
"That you are..." Castis hummed, still feeling a little fuzzy.
"So, how's my baby?"
Castis shot her a look. "Um…" He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, a little taken aback. "I'm okay, I guess–"
"Not you," She chuckled playfully and snaked her hand around his waist, tugging him close. She trailed the hand down his side and patted the knife that was strapped to his thigh.
"Oh, uh, yes. Don't worry, I've been taking good care of it,'' He raised his chin and squared his shoulders instinctively. He almost had to fight the urge to salute.
His change in posture didn't seem to escape her notice. "At ease, soldier," she teased. Her other hand reached over, gliding down his arm and entwining their fingers. The top of her head bumped his chin as she nestled into his neck, scooching in to press her body against him in an almost uncomfortable way. "There's no one I trust more than you."
Castis let out a small sound of contentment as he rested his chin on her head, relishing in the feeling of her. Her weight, her warmth, her sounds. "I…"
He hadn't said 'I love you' yet. Then again, neither had she. It was almost as if there was an unspoken rule that saying it out loud would shatter the illusion they were both a part of. He would say it soon. He must. She had to know. But in his cowardice, he still hesitated, that small part of him still convinced it would finally scare her off.
"...I'm...honored." he conceded though not without a mix of pride and almost bursting affection.
"Hmmm..." Her tone was still teasing but she said nothing more.
It was truly difficult, not being able to see her much as he used to. Castis longed for the few weeks she had been able to stay in his room. He didn't dare risk it now, not with Faldos breathing down his neck. Those days, they only met in the afternoons unless he snuck out after hours to meet her, which he usually tried to avoid unless it was necessary. And she was always necessary.
"You wanna meet up later?" she piped up. Right on cue.
"...I don't know." He thought of Fedorian's message, almost feeling the weight of it, sitting unanswered in his omni-tool. He couldn't shake the apprehension. "Maybe I shouldn't."
"Well, we both know you shouldn't…" she purred, making his chin vibrate. "But will you?"
Castis shifted the dirt around with the heel of his boot. Even before his meeting with Faldos, the constant threat had loomed over him. He had tried to limit the whole…going-completely-AWOL thing by squeezing her into his schedule any way he could - meal-times, breaks, during patrols. But even so, he still saw her almost every other night. Not that it was technically sneaking out. Just extending his nightly patrols a little. He didn't have to stay in his room. It wasn't against the rules...
Even after all this time, he still told himself that.
"...Sure." He said, feeling a little defeated.
"Ruins or grass?"
He hummed a little in thought. "Ruins."
"Ah, of course." She chuckled a little at the response. "'Tactical advantage.'"
For a few minutes, they just sat in silence as the final vestiges of light faded and the many, many stars winked into view.
Hrmph.
Castis shut his eyes, focusing instead on the warmth of her head against his throat.
"You ever wonder what they were like?"
"Hm?" he mumbled sleepily, eyes still shut. "Who?"
"Them." His chin bobbed up and down as he felt Marcella move her head slightly forward, out toward the horizon.
Castis opened his eyes slowly. The only thing he could see besides the obnoxiously numerous stars was the dark outline of an ancient building, one of the many ruins that dotted the landscape. "The aliens?"
"Yeah." She lifted her head up, peering toward the ruined skyscraper, the very one they had first met in. "Do you think this was a big city? What do you think happened to them? War? Disease?"
"Hm, maybe." Castis huffed, missing her warmth as she moved away.
"All these ancient civilizations just...gone." Marcella's eyes wandered to all the jagged towers that broke the flat skyline, black against blue. "Maybe in a few thousand years we'll be extinct and our ruins will be all that's left."
"No." Castis shook his head, rumbling in certainty. "Nothing can defeat the Hierarchy."
She gave him a long look before turning back toward the ruins. "I bet that's what they all thought too."
As Castis made the short walk back home under the glittering sky, the squat beige outline of Fort Audax looming steadily in the distance, his apprehension over Fedorian's message grew with a vengeance.
Why didn't Fedorian just call like he usually did? Maybe his omni-tool was broken or something, he was pretty lax about proper maintenance. It had to be something like that, small and irrelevant.
...Or maybe something awful happened, an emergency. Maybe when he got closer to the fort, he would notice it was on fire.
...Spirits, that was ridiculous, Faldos would definitely contact him first.
Unless…
Uuuuugh.
Every time he managed to calm his anxiety with some form of reassurance, an intrusive thought made it rocket back up and it started all over again. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. Damn Fedorian…!
It should have been illegal to send such a loaded and emotionally-vague message.
The doors of the fort shuddered and whined as they opened up to the familiar dim light of the long entryway. Castis breezed through the halls toward his quarters, head down and still full of dark and troubling thoughts.
Maybe he should just ignore the message until Fedorian decided to stop playing games and be more forward. If it really was important, he would have followed up, right? Or he would have just called, he always called - Damn it, why didn't he call?! That was literally the point of the emergency line so it couldn't have been urgent - unless Fedorian had some backwards idea of what constituted an emergency. Very plausible.
He needed to confront Fedorian immediately. No, that was a terrible idea - he was way too wound up. Maybe he should wait until tomorrow. No, the anxiety would drive him insane and he wouldn't be able to rest. He just needed to calm down and then go talk to him like a normal, functioning adult.
It really didn't need to be this hard. Why was he like this?
His head ached from the inner turmoil. It was the end of the world - it was nothing - he was fired - it was nothing - someone had died - it was nothing - !
As he turned the last corner toward his room he ran right smack into a very large and very familiar form filling out the narrow hallway.
He yelped, jumping back in surprise as the larger turian did the same.
"Oh…Heeeeey..." Fedorian attempted a smile but it came out as more of a cringe, his mandibles twitching erratically, eyes blinking a little too rapidly. He looked about as uncomfortable as Castis felt.
Castis stiffened, hands flying together and squeezing. This was much sooner than he had anticipated and he wasn't even close to being emotionally prepared. And judging but the way Fedorian looked, the news really was serious. "...Hey." he squeaked.
"Did you...get my message…?" Fedorian had attempted to act casual but failed miserably. His posture was too awkward, he kept tugging on the hem of his uniform, and his subvocals hummed in a vaguely distressed tone.
Castis's apprehension grew. "Yes. I did." He cleared his throat and prepared himself for the worst. "What is it?"
"Well…..uh..." Fedorian trailed off, scratching the side of his neck nervously. "It's, uh, I was just, uh...uuuuuuh—"
Castis frowned, the anxiety in his chest threatening to boil over. "Yes?"
Fedorian's mandibles snapped to his face and he sputtered out all at once. "I-think-you-should-break-up-with-your-girlfriend-!"
"...What?"
Fedorian smacked his crest, accompanied by a frustrated whine. "Damn it, Quintin, don't lead with that…!"
Castis's shoulders slumped and his mandibles slacked. A long, exaggerated sigh escaped him, releasing all the tension he had been carrying for the last couple hours. He knew it. He knew it was gonna be something stupid. "Fedorian…"
But Fedorian seemed to really be struggling. He rubbed his neck, mandibles twitching frantically, shifting from foot to foot, like whatever he was holding in was too big to contain. "Look, what I'm...trying to say is...I'm happy you found someone but it's...uh, affecting your work, and also she's...she's uh..."
The unease that evaporated was quickly replaced with anger. "...Is that what this is about!?"
"Well - I - uh - kinda…?"
Castis bit back a growl of irritation. Fedorian was always trying to mettle with his personal life. Pushing him too hard, forcing other people and situations upon him unnecessarily, and trying to change his habits in a way that only managed to make them worse. And more often than not, he tended to take it too far.
However...he was just trying to help. For all his misguided attempts to bring Castis out of his shell, he had his best interests at heart. Allegedly.
This was all just a big misunderstanding. Fedorian had met Marcella under horrifically embarrassing circumstances and he was just being overprotective. If Castis could just explain the situation, the kind of person Marcella really was, perhaps he could make it out of this conversation unscathed. He just had to keep his cool.
Castis straightened up and spoke in what he hoped was a reassuringly calm and level tone. "I understand your concern and I'm taking care of it."
Fedorian didn't buy it for a second. He scrunched his nose and shook his head. "Uh, no, no you're not, I've never seen you so unfocused. You've got...this girl on your mind and it's taken over to the point where there's no room for anything else." He gave Castis a look that made his stomach twist. "Vakarian, I know how you can get."
Castis tried to ignore the sting of embarrassment. "I'm fine—"
"You get waaaay too intense about something, you always do! And you start to neglect other things in favor of - and I know you think it's different this time because it's a…" Fedorian's tone started to sound a little desperate. "Look - I get that this is the first time you've really liked someone so you think it means something more—"
"What?"
"- I mean, not that you - I mean you're - you just don't know how to handle it and you're confused—"
Castis's temper flared violently. "'Confused'? "
"Wait - I mean - aaaugh no, no, noooo…!" Fedorian moaned, his hands clutching his crest. "This is coming out all wrong—"
"I'm...I'm not...she's not..." Castis took a deep breath, his heart starting to race with fury and panic, fighting every instinct to retreat to the safety of his room. This could still be salvaged.. He just needed to find the right words.
He needed to make him understand.
But every time he opened his mouth his throat was squeezed shut.
Fedorian was still fumbling. "Please, I didn't mean it, let me start over-"
"Stop." Castis finally squeaked out, jaw clenched, an angry heat burning the skin under his plates. This was not the direction he wanted the conversation to go at all and he was starting to lose it.
What could he say to convince him? That he'd never felt so happy? That he'd never felt so safe? So understood?
"I...know you're just trying to help me and I…appreciate it..." He spoke slowly through gritted teeth. "But this - she is different. Listen, I know what I'm doing-"
"Do you?!" Fedorian advanced, his much larger frame towering over him. If Castis didn't know any better, he would consider the move almost threatening. "Choosing some girl over your career?"
It was becoming more and more difficult to keep his voice steady, especially with his throat so unbearably tight. "I can do both."
"No, no you can't! This is apparently a big distraction and it's gonna cost you. It's going to cost us!"
Castis exploded, all sense of composure finally lost. "She is not a distraction!"
Fedorian threw his head back, thundering a roar of frustration that almost rattled the walls. "Come on, Vakarian!" He thrust his arms toward him, his tone desperate, pleading. "I would've thought - of all people - you would be above this! Look, you're a smart guy, you have to know how ridiculous this is! You've worked so hard for this and you're so close and you're just gonna throw it away for...for a…!"
He made a crude gesture with his hand.
Castis's skin practically ignited in embarrassment. "Spirits, Fedorian…!"
"I'm - I'm sorry, but it's true."
"That...that's…!" Castis sputtered, hands shaking with fury, his breath ragged and uneven. Holding his ground was impossible, he was never one for difficult conversations and this was just about the most unbearable one he'd ever had. He fought the urge to just cover his ears and run away like a child. "That's n-not what this about at all—"
"Look, trust me, you don't really know this girl—"
"Yes, I do—"
" - she's not who you think she is—"
"You don't know what you're talking about—"
"LISTEN TO ME!"
The fort itself seemed to tremble and quake as Fedorian's voice boomed around them, ringing in his ears and shaking the very dust from the walls. Castis couldn't help but cower in its overwhelming presence. It seemed to hang in the air between them as Fedorian panted, his own desperation coming to a head. Finally, with a grim expression, he continued. "...She stole from us. Okay? She was in the supply container last night. I saw it myself. She was carrying one of our Phaestons." He shook his head with a sense of finality. "She's using you. I'm sorry."
Castis was still breathing heavily, hands clenching and unclenching. Another wave of guilt washed over him but his gaze remained steely. "...I gave it to her."
Something flashed in Fedorian's eyes, too quickly to fully register. He had never seen Fedorian angry or even irritated before in all his years of knowing him and he found that this flicker of unfamiliar emotion across his friend's face formed a trail of ice up his spine.
When Fedorian spoke again there was an edge in his subvocals that was equally unfamiliar."...I'm sorry, I must have misheard you, wanna run that by me again...?!"
"I said I gave it to her!"
"You...you gave…?" Fedorian's mandibles twitched in bewilderment, his hands held out uselessly in front of him. He seemed at a complete and total loss. "What happened to you? This...this is not you...!"
Castis just stood, eyes averted and mandibles clicking in frustration.
Then you don't know me.
It was too much. It was all too much. He turned away. He had to. "Enough. End of discussion."
"Wait, come on—"
"I'm done."
"I just trying to—"
"Stop."
"Castis—"
"DON'T." Castis snarled, whirling around and pointing a finger at Fedorian's chest, freezing him in place. He took a shaky breath, eyes hard and unblinking. "Don't."
Fedorian simply shook his head, his subharmonics strained but his head was held high. "...I told you before, I'm not giving up on you. Vakarian. You know I'm right."
A dull pain was starting to form in Castis's jaw from being clenched so tightly. His stomach hurt and his heart pounded painfully in his chest. His mind ached in turmoil. He opened his mouth but when nothing came out, he closed it again.
He didn't regret meeting Marcella. He didn't regret his actions. Given the opportunity, he would've done it again and he wouldn't have traded those last few months for anything.
But...
Everything Fedorian was saying was exactly what he had told himself again and again and again. Thoughts and feelings he desperately tried to ignore. The little voice of reason he had consistently silenced. Every moral code he had ever stood for, brushed aside for this shiny new thing that had stirred something in him he had never felt before. And although it gave him incredible joy, he knew he was breaking the very rules he had pledged to uphold. Something he truly cared about with every fiber of his being.
He was ashamed of his behavior. For lying, for running away, for turning his back on his responsibilities. And especially for taking advantage of the kindness of his friend. For a moment he just stood, silently in the dim glow of the tiny hallway, his head hung in shame.
He felt a large hand gently touch his shoulder. A surprisingly quiet and genuine purr of sympathy and compassion filled the air around him. And when Fedorian finally spoke it was with a confidant reassurance:
"She's just not worth it."
Castis blinked, still staring absently at the filthy grey tiles that had covered the floor.
Not worth it….?
The words seemed to float over him, fall gently onto his shoulders and seep down into his chest, churning and frothing and building.
NOT WORTH IT?
He smacked the hand off his shoulder, eliciting a high-pitched yelp from his large friend.
His own voice rang loud and hollow in his ears, in a tone he barely recognized. "How dare you...?"
"Hey, whoa-"
"Why, Fedorian?!" His voice became shrill and rose an octave. "Because of where she's from? Because of what she's had to borrow? Because she has no…no...?!" He jutted a finger at his face.
"Vakarian-"
He felt like he couldn't breathe. She was a good person. She tried her best with what she had. And she made him happy. Was that 'worth' enough? Was it?
He remembered the old man he had seen as a child, on his hands and knees day in and day out tending a garden no one even looked at. had seen them deemed as not worthy work themselves to the bone loaded over by others. Deemed beneath them because of his clothes, his job, his markings. People like his father who deemed him unworthy after a single look. People like Fedorian assumed the worst because of what they looked like.
He dared talk to him about worth?
"I didn't mean it like that-"
Castis's whole body shook in rage. He knew this would happen. Fedorian wouldn't understand.
He'd never give up Marcella. Never.
And this was the last straw. The conversation was officially over. He'd make sure of it.
"Officer Fedorian!" he barked.
"I - wha…?" Fedorian blinked in confusion.
Castis straightened up, his voice laced with all the steel he could muster. "This is an inappropriate conversation and is no way to speak to your executive officer."
Fedorian's eyes went wide in sudden understanding. His mandibles slacked in disbelief. "...Are you serious?"
Castis didn't falter in the slightest. "This line of questioning is over. If you continue this transgression I will report you to General Faldos. Now, is there anything mission-related you need to discuss...?"
After a moment of stunned silence, Fedorian straightened up, his hands balled into trembling fists and his mandibles flicking in outrage. Slowly, he brought his heels together and put his arms to his sides at attention. His subvocals barely hid his contempt. "...No, sir, there is not."
Castis growled. "Then you are dismissed."
Slowly, bitterly, Fedorian lifted his hand in a stiff salute, his mandibles hitched in a scowl. "...Yes, sir." he mocked. He turned on his heel and stormed off, his loud footsteps echoing off the walls of the hall.
Castis deflated, guilt welling up in his chest. A necessary action, but still.
Pulling rank was a dirty move.
He turned and walked heavily back toward his room, remnants of anger and embarrassment and shame shrouded him in a blanket.
He pulled up his omni-tool and tapped out a message.
C: Come to the fort tonight.
M: Oh? Interesting.
C: I'll sneak you in. Meet me by the back. The usual place.
M: What about general whatever and what's-his-name?
Castis was still breathing hard, feeling as drained as if he'd run a marathon. Numbing anger flared again, pressing him from all sides as. Fedorian's face swam into his mind's eye. Giving him that that stupid condescending look of pity. Like he was some fool who had been had.
'She's not worth it.'
C: I don't care anymore.
Marcella made a beeline for his bed, flopping down almost comically, arms and legs sprawled out covering every inch of his small cot. "Aaaah…! Beeeed…!" She chuckled and rolled over, propping herself up one on elbow. "Not gonna lie - really glad you changed your mind."
"Yeah." Castis's mood hadn't improved and Marcella had noticed. He had brushed it off, leading her back to the fort as quickly and quietly as he could. But now in the safety of his room, the feelings were starting to creep back in. He sat at the edge of the bed, feet planted and hands clasped stiffly in his lap. His muscles were starting to ache from being so rigid.
She sat up, turning toward him, carefully observing his hands, his posture, his face. "...You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." He rubbed his face, his chest still tight and cold and his fingers still numb from being squeezed so tightly. "Just a little...stressed."
He shouldn't have lost his composure. He shouldn't have yelled at Fedorian. He shouldn't have skirted the rules so haphazardly. There were a lot of things he shouldn't have done.
He couldn't escape the guilt of letting everyone down. He couldn't escape the anger of Marcella being judged so harshly. He wanted her, he needed her. He'd sacrifice everything for her if he had to. He realized that now. Even if it went against everything he stood for.
But that part of him ached. The turian in him. Mission first. Crew first. No time for selfishness. His wants didn't matter. The back of his mind tingled - a thought he knew he wasn't supposed to have.
It wasn't fair.
Well, of course not. But it wasn't supposed to be fair. That's just how it was. You don't do it for yourself. You do it for your people.
For the cause.
He felt a finger lightly trail up his arm. He turned to see Marcella, her eyes searching his face. She scooted closer, bumping him gently with her nose, her other hand squeezing his bicep. "Want me to do…the thing?" Her subvocals rumbled with playful suggestion and her mandibles wiggled mischievously.
Castis swallowed and looked away, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed. But his stomach fluttered ever so slightly. "...Myes..."
With a soft chuckle, she moved into his lap bringing her hands up to his face and softly trailing her fingertips along his face. She lightly touched his brow-plates, his front crest, and traced a finger along the blue markings on his cheek and nose plates. Castis shivered at the sensation, his eyelids drooping lazily as he leaned forward into her hands. Then she began to hum, a soft soothing sound that seemed to permeate his core. He sighed deeper, closing his eyes, lifting his head, and letting her gently scratch and massage under his chin and neck and mandibles. His breathing slowed, his hands slowly unclenched in his lap.
She continued to purr, the low, soothing rumble in her throat making his chest swell, the underlying meaning washing over him. "Relax...relax...relax…"
He opened his eyes, her silver unmarked plates shimmering in the light of his room so close to his face, her expression sweet and serene.
She met his eyes, flickering her mandibles in a small, questioning smile. "What...?"
He just shook his head slowly, never leaving her gaze.
I love you, he thought.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
