Banana was in front of him.
Subaru was in front of Banana.
A slimy piece of poo was a fall away.
Sweat exited from Subaru's pores.
He looked at Banana.
Banana looked at him.
Fart was in the air.
"You're the thing that killed-"
Subaru fell face first on the shart.
"Absolutely disgusting."
Banana muttered with revulsion in its voice.
But Subaru was too busy choking on shart to hear Banana.
6 hours pass…
It was dusk.
Subaru had finally consumed the fecal matter.
Banana was scratching its testicals.
"Are you done yet?"
Subaru stood up, "Just what the hell do you want from me!?"
Manliness lost, heroic dialogue interrupted, and smeared with shit, he finally snapped.
"I just can't do it anymore, this world, it was supposed to be my fantasy"
Tears came out his eyes, his face contorting to an ugly expression.
"What are you on about you sad fuck?" Banana was pissed that his time was being wasted.
"Look, brat, I've been sent by the bossman as your babysitter, to make sure you don't die."
At first Subaru was confused, then he experienced an existential crisis.
"So you're the person who summoned me? Not a pretty girl..?"
Banana ignored the incel's latter question, "The witch brought you to this world, I was created by her lover to fulfil their mission."
Subaru nodded with understanding, also ignoring this 'lover' part of the game lore.
He still had a chance of getting some witch coochie.
Banana suddenly jumped up onto his head, its 4 peel-legs standing erect.
"Now let's make this quick, physical contact with other beings is disgusting."
"Oi oi what are you gonna do to me!?" He tried to tear off the unmovable Banana from his head.
"Keep touching me and you'll lose your arms."
Subaru eeped and quickly rested his hands over his penis.
Banana sighed.
"We must sign a contract, to officially signify our relationship."
"A contract? Like a familiar contract?"
"That is… a surprisingly close guess for one belonging to another world."
Subaru hummed.
"I don't understand you, first that vision I get, then my heart…"
His face twisted as he remembered that experience; of a dark shadowy hand grasping his heart.
But before Subaru could communicate this to Banana-
A gale of wind swept through the alleyway, the temperature dropping several degrees.
The clouds, originally colored orange by the setting sun, turned darker into a more ominous shade.
It began snowing.
"What the hell!?", Subaru shivered, "Is freak weather normal in this world?"
Banana's eyes widened, "No that's…"
A bestial roar encompassed the area.
Something of a mini-earthquake happened, buildings trembled, the ground shook, and Subaru pissed his pants.
"We need to leave the capital, now." Banana grimly said.
Though suspicious of the banana, Subaru swiftly concurred.
With a talking banana on his headtop, he sprinted to the alleyway's exit.
He returned to the once busy street, now still with anxiety and fear.
Families huddled together, sharing each other's warmth.
Merchants spoke in whispers, gossiping among themselves.
The knights stood stiff, assessing the situation.
The source of this massive unease was obvious.
A slowly growing cyclone stirred in the distance, bringing snow and wind in its wake.
If one also looked closer, they could make out the barest shadow of a feline beast, its majestic golden eyes piercing the unlucky observer.
It also froze the poop smothered on Subaru's face.
Joe Biden took a stand.
"E-every b-bo-body c-calm d-d-d-down."
He tried to reassure the crowd.
"Th-this w-will d-de-definitely b-be i-investi-gay people-ted buh-by the Royal Knights."
The crowd is unimpressed.
Joe Biden started rapping.
Am a sigma with the way I love ligma
I fugma sister like I do yo own motha
I make that bank, spit my tracks, do my daily dose of furry WANKS
Creaming, sucking, farting
All these things make me who I AM
He dropped the mic, palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
The residents stopped twerking as he finished.
Surprise was plastered over Biden's face.
"W-woo I-I didn't t-think th-that would w-work, ho-honestly tha-"
"Mommy what's that!" a child pointed toward the cyclone.
Subaru turned his head, and he saw something peculiar.
The vortex of snow glittered with pinpoints of blue light.
They spun, around and around, mesmerising the onlookers.
A light escaped, torpedoing out of the storm and up into the sky.
The crowd oooed at the display.
But Banana was wary.
"I don't like this brat, not one bit," it muttered from on top of his head.
The light appeared again, now piercing through the clouds in a downwards trajectory to them.
Subaru snapped out of his light watching trance.
"Move out of the way!" He screamed at Joe Biden.
But it was too late.
The light was not what it seemed to be.
Joe Biden's entire body exploded as a sparkling icicle smashed him into pieces.
The crowd screamed as they saw more icicles being hurled from out of the storm.
EDP445 fell onto his knees, hands in a praying gesture.
"God, I confess; I love little kids,"
"When I found that 13 year old in my dms, my dick instantly got erect, I knew what I had to do to get that little cupcake."
"I sent a picture of my shit to them, in hopes they would love me the same way my dick loves their tiny itsy-bitsy pedo-synonym-sy bodies."
"I know I'm a sussy baka who can't stop himself I just wanna eat them cakes so bad that I just can't God
I can't my throbbing dick has been restrained for far too long and they were trying to link with me the other day
and I was about to go there today so please as I confess allow me to at least meet their face for the sake of my cock please I-"
EDP's face gets punctured by an anti-pedo icicle.
Several other homing icicles rip apart the rest of his body.
Rest in pieces EDP445.
"Why are you standing there gaping like a fish; find shelter this instant!"
Banana was unfazed at the morbid scenes surrounding them.
Subaru's face was a mix mash of 'what the fuck' and 'I'm going to die holy fuck'.
He shakily nodded and ran, Banana trailing behind him, deflecting the smaller pieces of ice with its four peel legs.
Like hail, hundreds if not thousands of those icicles continued to rain down on the capital.
Where were these Royal Knights? In this world, who had the power to stop something like this?
His vision suddenly became consumed by white.
A shockwave sent him flying into the ground.
He barely managed to recover before another flash happened. And then another, and another, and once more…
They seemed to be coming from the direction of the storm, but it was not known to Subaru what was causing it.
After an unknown amount of time, the flashes stopped along with the hail.
A rumbling sound of a building collapsing occurred ahead of him. Something had crashed into it.
Still disoriented, he peeked his eyes open.
The area was grey with smoke and dust. It must have been a mega-pint sized icicle to cause that much damage.
He heard Banana saying something mutedly in the background.
Surprisingly, one part of the building didn't get damaged, though it was still covered by the smoke.
He got closer to the building
"Brat! Where the fuck are you, I'll kill you if you die on me!" He could finally hear Banana's voice.
"First of all, that doesn't make sense!? Second of all, still alive and kicking here" He looked at all the developing bruises, "Mostly."
"As long as you're not dead, brat." He could hear Banana's almost relieved sigh at the end.
"Stay right there though, that beast might be nearby."
"Beast?" Subaru replied, confused.
"He's talking about me, I would guess."
An enormous creature, battered with blood and wounds, looked into his eyes.
"-It's good to see you are still alive, human."
