Chapter 28
I don't know how we got to where we are
So far removed, I don't know where to start
'Cause I've been away for far too long
But I implore you please hold on, I beg you please hold on. —Leaving My Love Behind, Lewis Capaldi
Jacob
She stopped me with a hard, unforgiving stare, pulling her eyebrows together. "Why, Jake?" She demanded, lifting her chin and glaring into my eyes.
She'd been waiting for this discussion.
Somewhat startled by the scorn that appeared, I rubbed my lips together and rose on my tiptoes, unable to articulate an explanation. It was too bad I couldn't just skip past this portion of the night. "I'm sorry, Bella. It was just that. We weren't together for so long. I guess I forgot how perfect it was going..." I didn't get the chance to say, "for us."
An enraged grimace burst onto her face. "Don't you dare do that to me, Jacob Black!" Her voice trembled. "Don't give me some absurd guy-line to confuse me. I'm not a freaking idiot. It's ridiculous, and it's insulting!"
My body tightened with surprise. Woah! I pissed her off. But as hostile as she sounded, it didn't quite mask the wounded note weaved in her voice. I glanced over her head to gather my thoughts on how to do this without bringing Seth's name up. I could kiss her. She'd smack me. "I know it sounds ridiculous, Bella, and maybe it makes no sense. But if you'll just listen..."
She turned away from me, gazing at the raging fire some kids newly stoked, her eyes narrowing and raging as fierce as the fire. "Don't make something up on my account!"
I should have been the person furious. Another guy kissed her while we were going out, my cousin to boot, and she intentionally kept it from me. And here I was, ready to beg her to forgive me for being upset about it. I hated to argue with her, though. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted to touch her again, hold her again, and kiss her again. "I know I messed us up, Bella. I did it because... I did it because... because I was jealous!"
I reached deep inside for that answer, and the moment it came out of my mouth, I knew it was true.
"Jealous? Jealous of what, Jake?"
"Of everybody. I was jealous of every guy here with you when I couldn't be with you." Her face didn't show any emotions, but she was listening. "I was afraid we wouldn't last, being so far apart and everything. Then, after I messed up, I didn't know how to fix it."
Her eyes went large and round. "You messed up?" She frowned, looking crushed, and the lower rims of her eyes glistened. "Jake."
I quickly placed my hands on her shoulders while she attempted to back away. "Not like that, Bella. I never messed up like that. I didn't cheat on you." We'd been over for weeks before I hooked up with someone else. But this wasn't the time to bring that up. The conversation we were having was difficult enough. "I just quit talking to you."
"Because you were jealous." Her voice was flat and thick with ridicule. Fighting tears, she blinked and refused to make eye contact.
"I know it sounds like a lie, but it's true. Look, you wrote to Seth." It was impossible to keep his name out of it. "I got pissed off and jealous of your friendship with him."
She stiffened and glared at me in disbelief. "Seth? It was just a birthday card, Jacob, and it was Seth."
Angered by her display of innocence, I pursed my lips and buried the urge to summon what I knew for a reprieve. It took an ocean of control not to fire back.
Her tone dropped, soft and sad sounding. "I wrote to you, too."
My eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't get it!"
"Oh, but Seth got his." She rolled her eyes and turned away. "I sent them at the same time."
Why was that? Seth? Dammit!
Holding in my growl, jaws clenched, I took a moment to calm myself. "It's like I said, Bella. I messed up when I ignored you. I should have trusted you and us and talked it over with you. But I didn't."
Caught within the moment, I leaned, pressing a kiss to her forehead. She closed her eyes, and I brushed my thumb across the shiny damp spot on her cheek as she opened them back up, ashamed of myself and Seth for hurting her. "After I pouted and acted like a prick, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't admit my mistake, and I didn't want to talk about it over the phone. Where would it have led? To a fight? To us breaking up?"
"We broke up anyway."
"I-I know we did," I said, lowering my head, sorry.
"So, what was the point then, Jacob?"
The point was, I didn't have to be afraid of losing her anymore. I stayed quiet for a second. "I guess there wasn't one."
Over in the party crowd, someone spoke my name. Turning in their direction, I caught sight of Embry, Quil, and Emmett with a group of girls making their way through the crowd. I abruptly scooped my arm around Bella's hips to usher her away before they spotted us. She had curves she didn't have last summer. A brief image of her without her zip-up sweater claimed a moment's attention.
"What are you doing?"
"Come here." I took her by the arm as she protested and tugged her to a nearby pickup truck. "It's Emmett and them. I don't want them to see us."
"So what? All we're doing is talking." Looking behind us, she tried to pull her arm from me. I held on to her. "Besides, Emmett doesn't care."
"I know he doesn't. I'm not done talking to you, though."
She bit her lip, leery.
"Just..." I released her arm and scrubbed at my forehead with my fingertips. "Can I talk to you alone for a little while longer, Bella? Please."
Jared bellowed out my name, pointing at the car we moved away from. "He was right there."
I ducked below the window of the pickup truck's cab, yanking Bella down with me. Our eyes met. I raised my eyebrow. The hint of a smile that softened her features was as welcome as a green spring morning. She nodded her approval. Brushing my hand over hers, warm and soft and slightly trembling, our fingers locked together, and we crept away.
Upon reaching the dark cover of the trees, Bella spread her fingers rigidly. I flinched a little, but I let her hand slip from mine.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Jake?"
I frowned, my mind refusing my mouth some urgently needed words of charm, of poetry, or of just a freaking logical explanation, so she could find in her heart to forgive me. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears like a drum.
She asked, "What do you want from me now? I mean. Where do we go from here?"
There wasn't the smallest sign she wanted any more to do with me. None that I could see.
Maybe my hasty decision wasn't so hasty after all.
I gulped, the realization sinking in that she didn't want to be with me anymore. What did I expect? "Can we at least be friends again, Bella? I don't know. Just talk sometimes or something?"
If that was all I could have, so be it. Girlfriend or not, I wanted her in my life.
She looked at the ground. The pause seemed like an hour. A very long hour. When she lifted her head, she smiled. "We can do that."
So much relief washed through me that my level of energy drained. I felt exhausted.
Even though just being friends didn't excite me. I planted a wide smile on my face. I could take it or leave it, and I was taking it. "I'm glad."
We stood in awkward silence a moment or two longer. Clearing my throat, I asked, "Well, shall we go back to the party, then?"
"Okay." She tucked her hands into her sweater pockets—I guess she didn't want me to hold her hand again—and took a few steps. A dull thud came from her shoe, hitting against something. She buckled, tumbling to the ground, her thick, dark hair whipping through the air close behind.
"You all right?" I asked, reaching for her.
I couldn't hold back my grin as she rolled her eyes, her color flaming. She nodded, allowed me to lift her up, and brushed the muck from her jeans.
We gazed at each other, trying to control our smiles. Spreading my fingers wide, I held out my arm and offered her my hand. She grinned and accepted. Stopping once we reached the bottom, we let go of each other's hand. Seeing her wipe her palm on her jeans like she was wiping away my touch made me realize how hard she'd have to work to be friends with me—another blow to my ego.
I tried to conceal my grimace of frustration. "I don't see Emmett down there anywhere. Are you ready?"
Nodding, she stepped forward.
I wasn't ready. The only person I wanted to spend my time with was her; and I dreaded leaving things as is. She took another step, and desperation prompted me into clutching her by the sweater. "Bella!"
She turned, tilting her head toward me. "Yeah?"
Thoughts of rejection clashed with my wanting her back as I looked into her eyes. "I missed you so much." My breath, along with a stutter, caught in my voice. "I- I always miss you."
I felt like I ceased functioning while waiting for her response. She just stood there with a blank, hard-to-read expression. More discouraged, I thought about how much I loved her, and still I managed to blow it like a nightmare.
Almost as if she were reading my mind, her eyelashes fluttered, her face brightening to emphasize an emerging smile. "I missed you, too, Jake!" In a blink, she pressed herself against my chest, her arms tangling around me, her breath wonderful and sweet on my neck.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face into her hair.
Next chapter: Bella's up. When a certain someone attempts to distract Jacob, Bella must make a tough decision.
