Chapter 29
Maybe you should set me free
Maybe I don't really want you to
Maybe I just wanna be
Be the person that you just can't lose
No
There I go and fall again —This Love, Camilla Cabello
Bella
Leah's breathless voice popped out from the shadows. "There you two are!"
Startled, I gasped, and Jacob gave a soft groan, letting his taut arms and warm hands, applying pressure to the flesh above the low hips of my jeans slip from me, the moment I pulled away. The mutually enthusiastic embrace felt like a sigh of alleviation. I underestimated how much I wanted it and how good it would feel.
"We've been looking for you."
"Who's we?" Jacob asked, with little interest. His eyes remained on me a moment longer before he let out a disgruntled breath and turned to face Leah.
"Everybody. Where'd you two go?" One of her eyebrows lifted as she directed her question from him to me with a glance.
"Just for a walk," I said.
Her lips turned down in regret. "I interrupted something."
"No," I blurted. She only helped me do what I couldn't find the strength to do myself, which was to pry my telltale body away from his. Even within the most realistic daydreams I had entertained, I made Jacob grovel for forgiveness for days before I gave him the time of day. Occasionally, I even cut the conversation short with a slap. But leaping into his arms after a simple I missed you? I cleared my throat. "We were just on our way to join everybody." My eyes flicked to Jacob for confirmation.
"Are you sure?" she asked. "Because it wasn't on purpose, Jake. I was just passing by."
Though he appeared irritated, he smiled. "Bella's right. We were just headed over there."
"If you say so..." She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them. "But first. Come with me to the bathroom, Bella."
Hooking her arm with mine, she tugged me away. I dawdled, about to turn my head back to see him. Leah huffed, jerking me forward in a rush and hollering, "Meet you at the fire, Jake!"
As we scurried past people, vehicles, and trees to find some acceptable form of cover, she rattled on about who hooked up with whom, and how wasted certain individuals were. But I couldn't care less.
I thought I was over Jacob. With all my heart, I tried to be over him. Then, I realized with an aching sureness, I wasn't. Not by a long shot. But that infuriating and presumptuous grin he wore on his face, after he spoke to Seth, made Emmett's warnings against being a fool echo through my mind.
"You have to decide right now how you'll let girls treat you." Emmett was talking to Jasper at the time, and we were only in grade school, but it was a sound piece of advice, and I got the message, too. Pride surged to the forefront of my feelings, and suddenly I was too stubborn to want to keep the door of "us" from closing forever. I barely resisted telling Jacob I hated him and never wanted to speak to him again.
He's making me crazy.
While I guarded the tree Leah was squatting behind, she asked, "So, what was going on back there?"
Prior to her even asking, I was trying to figure that out. If Jacob and I had parted ways without another word, we probably never would talk. At least, not on a level I would be happy with, let alone satisfied. I knew this, and I was panicking inside as we moved forward, but I didn't know how to stop us. So, when he interrupted that progression, I completely caved.
Now we were... What were we? Choosing not to speculate, I said, "Nothing really. He just gave me an apology for what happened between us."
"It looked like he was giving you more than that."
Though she couldn't see me, I rolled my eyes. "He wasn't. I was just accepting his apology."
Twigs crunched and crackled underfoot as she wandered out from behind the large misshapen tree, slapping a low-hanging branch out of her path. She washed her hands with liquid sanitizer from a travel-size bottle she brought out from her back pocket. "It looked like you were accepting more than that." She used the same contradictory tone.
"I wasn't!" The innocent comment wasn't meant to make me feel ashamed, but it did. I spun around and started back to the party.
Hurrying alongside of me, she laughed, then said, "Somebody's thong is twisted."
I ignored her, making myself hurry.
She matched my stride. "What's wrong?" Her voice turned concerned. "I thought you'd be happy to be back with Jacob."
"I'm not back with Jacob! So just... shut up about it!" I didn't turn my head to see her reaction to my hostile outburst, but I assumed it surprised her, because it was unusual.
Deep inside, I wanted to get back with Jacob. But I didn't want everyone to know that, especially him. Confiding in Seth, turned into a colossal mistake. I was sure he told Jacob everything.
"Bella." I looked back and forth from the ground to ahead of me, paying attention to where I placed my feet rather than paying attention to her. "Bella..." Her tone was the urging of a caring best friend. "What's wrong? What did he say? What happened?"
Needing to unload my frustration, I made an abrupt stop and faced her. "I'm just so furious at him, Leah." It was difficult to explain it to her when I could barely make sense of it myself. I paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Actually, it isn't even him I'm furious at... It's me. I'm furious at myself because I'm not furious at him. Not as furious as I should be. I'm not as furious as I'd like to be."
On one hand, I wanted to forget he heartlessly dumped me for no reason and just be his girlfriend again. But on the other hand, I wanted strength to walk away without looking back. Like how I'd love for another girl in a similar situation to do.
"I wish..." I reached for the words. "I wish I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I can't let go of him, either. I don't want to give him up, Leah. Does that make any sense?"
"After Sam—" She made a choking noise. "It makes more sense than you know."
"I can't let him think he can dump me whenever he feels like it with no consequences. I can't do that."
She looked at me with sympathy and more than understood. "Look, Bella, you don't have to decide anything tonight. Make him sweat a little. Shit, make him sweat a lot, if that's what you think he deserves. You have every reason. If he doesn't understand that you need time, well, too bad."
I tossed around her suggestion as I dropped behind her, letting her lead the way. The affection I saw when he'd said he missed me made it clear the ball was in my court now. But Jacob wasn't the type to play games.
There's just too many other hot girls, according to Emmett.
"Jake's never been the guy to chase a girl," I said.
"Not usually," she replied.
Jacob had a crowd of friends surrounding him when we got back to the bonfire and I was still stressing, so I hid myself among Leah and the girls from La Push. Though we locked eyes through the crowd several times, he didn't approach me, nor I him. Maybe he needed time, too.
During the party, Leah nudged me. "Look at that skank!" She narrowed her eyes in disgust as several more obscenities spilled from her mouth. She developed quite a tongue in Chemawa, and her attitude seemed bolder than it was before she left; living independent of her parents for those months must have hardened her.
I turned to where she pointed and saw Lauren and Jacob standing together.
"First, she tries to burn my brother. Now she wants my cousin? She better get away from him or I'll drag her ass away... by the hair."
Payback for Seth? I wondered, but realized that almost nobody knew about me and Jacob.
Lauren being Lauren, I didn't put it past her to be hitting on him, but I couldn't see Jacob being interested in someone as high maintenance and fake as she. Besides, all they were doing was talking. "He's a big boy. I'm sure he can handle Lauren."
"He doesn't know she's the Lauren who broke Seth's heart."
"Just leave them, Leah. Jacob will figure it out." I looked away, trying to be mature and sensible about the situation. "He's not stupid."
"Bella, he's a guy."
And Lauren knew how to play them. Seth hadn't even been immune to her manipulations. I shuffled to a spot with a better view and pretended not to be watching. In the five to ten minutes they'd talked, Jacob kept smiling, and she kept playing with her hair. I didn't understand how he could stand Lauren for any length of time. They had nothing in common, and her conversation was always so self-centered and so petty.
I annoyingly heard the answer in my head. It's a guy thing.
Then Jessica, a part of Lauren's entourage, who stood near them, chatting with friends, moved into position. She took a big step backward. The hard bump she flung on purpose sent Lauren colliding into Jacob. It was a well-executed scheme.
Oh, God. I rolled my eyes.
Lauren latched on to him, attempting not to fall, but it was probably a disguise to cop a feel and end up in his arms. Jacob staggered, his hand on her back, taking her with him a few paces before catching himself upright. From where I stood, I couldn't see their expressions, but I could see his hands gripping her elbows. The positions of their heads made me think they were staring into one another's eyes. Lauren was exquisite.
I scowled, and the urge to punch her expanded inside me like a fragile balloon, ready to rupture all over Miss. Wannabe Center of Attention. "I'm going over there," slipped from my lips too angrily. He was my Jacob. So what if we weren't together! I stormed toward them to bust up their little soiree with Leah close on my heels. Advancing, I said in a cheerful tone, "Hello, Lauren." I grinned widely, not caring how phony I sounded.
Leah inserted herself into the group containing Jessica, Angela, Eric, and Ben, who stood behind Lauren. Leah held a rigid posture, and although she faced the opposite direction from us, she knew of the conversation about to take place. As for Jessica, we liked her. She made us laugh and was friendly and nice to people whenever Lauren wasn't attempting to corrupt her.
Lauren was standing right in front of Jacob's face. I stepped close beside him. "Are you having a good time, Lauren?"
"A great time," she said, batting her lashes at him while barely acknowledging me with a slight turning of her head. "Jacob told me he won the Regional Championship this spring, and now he's on his way to Nationals."
I could have kicked myself for not having congratulated him on it yet; Lauren knew nothing about boxing.
"I'm thrilled to meet you, Jacob, and proud to say I know Jacob Black, our own local boxing hero."
"Thanks," he said with a flattered grin.
Filled with jealousy, I seized his hand. "Thanks, Lauren. I'm proud of him, too."
"Oh!" She backed away, and not a half a second too soon. "You two?" She eyeballed Jacob for the answer instead of me.
"Yes, me and Jake," I snapped, remotely considering how he would have responded if I gave him the chance.
She laughed, a mocking gesture.
Surprising me, Jake lifted our intertwined hands to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss into my skin. My tension eased as I looked up at him.
His eyes were on Lauren. "For months." He stated it so casually that I almost believed him.
She skewed her eyes in skepticism. "Hmm." Her voice was annoyingly sweet as she dropped her gaze from Jacob to me and said, "Funny, I never realized you were into guys, Bella."
She glared at me with a vindictive smirk on her face.
"Bitch," Leah hissed.
The noisy party conversations had lulled to whispers. A quick survey of Jake, and I noticed it stunned him, too.
"Just this guy!"
Clenching my fist, I tried to smile the rage away. I ached with a passion to hit her—hit her hard. Emmett and Jasper had taught me how to throw a solid punch a long time ago. I wondered about them. Were they among the nosy spectators, watching us in anticipation of a catfight?
"Who would have thought?" Another phony laugh made its way from Lauren's forked tongue. "Anyway, Jacob Black, it's been nice talking to you. Too bad it couldn't last." Her expression was that of it's-your-loss as she turned, head held high, and meandered away. It was almost admirable how well she handled being snubbed, but girls like her rarely acknowledged rejection, if ever.
"Sorry, Bella, I didn't know," Jessica said. "Lauren gets like that sometimes." Her eyes deflected to Jacob, "Especially when she doesn't get what she wants."
Once Jessica departed, being well acquainted with his sense of humor, I didn't have to see Jacob's face to imagine his lips pursed and probably muffling laughter. I jerked my fingers from his and flicked my arm up, whacking his chest with the back of my hand. "Shut up," I said, feral anger being replaced with mortification.
I nearly assaulted another girl because of him. I never realized I'd dare do such a thing. To make matters worse, Jacob witnessed it all. Humiliation burned through me. "I should have let you hookup with her!"
Racing toward Emmett's truck, the party was the last place I needed to be. I made a public fool out of myself.
"Bella!" Leah yelled.
Refusing to turn around, I sensed someone trailing me. By the thud of the steps, I knew it was Jacob. "Bella, wait up!"
"Leave me alone, Jake!" His fingers brushed my shoulder, beckoning me to stop. I yanked my shoulder away, forging ahead. "You can't keep doing this to me."
"I'm sorry for everything." He grabbed my sweater. "Just stop, Bella."
I whirled around. "I don't understand you! You're confusing me. Why can't you just say what you're feeling for once?"
He tossed his head back, appalled, and his expression angered. "Say what I'm feeling? I have. You haven't been a neon billboard yourself. Why don't you try being honest for once?"
I opened my mouth to argue, but what was there to say? He was right. Concealing my feelings from him became second nature. I'd done it for so long. I doubt I realized I was doing it half the time. I slipped my hands into my sweater pockets, wishing I could hide in there with them. I wanted to disappear. "Go away, Jake."
"I'm not going away until you give me an answer. My feelings haven't changed. I still want to be with you. And I think... you still want to be with me, too. If you don't, tell me, and I'll leave you alone." Looking relieved to have gotten that out, he swallowed, averting his eyes. "Simple as that."
Was it, though? Helpful thoughts refused to surface. I couldn't even find words or wits for yes or no. Tears of frustration moistened the corners of my eyes, so I turned away.
He touched my shoulder somewhat firmly, an insistence of attention. I looked up, letting him draw me close and into a kiss. It was soft, slow, and expressive. Self-assurance radiated from his touch. The motion of his mouth emitted honesty.
My arms wound around his neck as I floated to my tiptoes. His hand cupped my head, and if he didn't anchor me against his body with his arm, my legs would have given out. I loved that his actions held no reluctance or confusion or awkwardness. I'd fallen in love with this Jacob, his determination, and his self confidence. I admired this Jacob. This Jacob, I couldn't resist.
Afterward, he took my hand, leading me back to the party. No more words seemed necessary. Before we rejoined the group with our hands clasped together, he asked, "Are we okay?"
I nodded, offering him a smile. I was already looking forward to tasting his lips again.
Getting enough whiplash from these two? 😉 Don't be a stranger, feel free to share your thoughts. 😊
Next chapter: Find out if Jake and Bella are out of the woods yet and see who else is willing to push Jake's buttons at the party.
