October 1999
Dear Jake,
There is no excuse for your behavior Friday night. I asked a simple question and all you had to do was give me a simple answer. But no! You had to blow up at me.
I understand that your previous relationship was very time consuming so when I said it might be cool if we could see each other more, you somehow associated that with your other relationship and you got scared. I understand that. We all have emotional baggage.
Still, there was no reason for you to be so rude about it. I really don't appreciate you thinking you know what is going on in my head because you don't. The more I think about it, the more I realize we have exactly what I've been looking for. To be honest, I don't know what I was trying to accomplish the other night. I guess I just wanted to find out where I stood with you. Now I know.
You don't want to "deal" with me on an emotional level. So, let's keep it purely physical. Since you are the only one I've ever been with, I obviously feel different about all of this than you do. I still feel like there is so much I can learn from you, so I don't want to end it just yet. I obviously don't want you to be with anyone else but I'm not going to try to stop you or even hold it against you if you do.
I'm so pissed at myself for bringing things up on Friday night. I knew how you felt about things from day one and I still feel the same as I always felt. I know you think I want a relationship, but I don't, especially not your distorted definition of one. Your past relationships have really given you an emotional scar in terms of what relationships are. It's not up to me to do anything about it. Someday you'll find that relationships are not about losing your freedom and having to ask permission to do anything. I'm sorry if I made you feel like that is what I wanted but it's not my fault that what I say and what you hear are two different things. Part of me just wants to tell you to lose my number but the biggest part of me just wants to keep things the way they've always been.
You've changed my life in a lot of ways. I used to be so afraid of intimacy and I'm not anymore and have you to thank for that. You are the only one that was patient enough to help me and guide me through it. I appreciate that so much.
That's why I'm so torn right now. You treated me like shit on Friday, but you've been wonderful to me in other ways. That's why I'm not willing to let go. I want you to know I'm not upset about the way you feel about what we have. I'm just upset at the way you reacted to a simple question. It was just question. I hope things don't change just because we had an argument.
I'm sorry for stressing you out. That is the last thing I want to do. I want to make you feel good because most of the time you make me feel so good. You told me to 'let it go'. Ok. It's gone and that is why you'll never see this letter. I just had to write it down to get it out and forget about it. I still haven't completely decided if I want to end things with you. Well, I know I don't want to, but I have to decide if I should. I think right now we can keep things going has it has been. I'm sure I won't hear from you for at least a week or two, so I have some time to decide.
Oh, I'm just so confused. I'm confused with myself. Is it worth it to be with you when you may or not even care about me at all? Or maybe you do care about me, but you're just scared that things will end up like they were with Leah and that other chick? But I'm not them. Now you think I want things I don't even want, and you don't want to talk about it so I can't even explain myself. You said to let it go but have you? Or are you still thinking I want a 'relationship?' I'm so confused. Maybe it's simple but maybe it's not.
I keep trying to tell myself that it is over, but I don't want it to be. I hope you have let it go because I don't want to argue with you anymore. You're not an easy person to argue with. Somehow you made me feel bad. How ridiculous!
And maybe all of this is pointless because for all I know, you'll never call me again. I guess I don't believe that though. I'm pretty sure I'll hear from you again. We left things on a decent note, but you'll probably want to cool off for a few weeks. I'll try not to be online hoping that you'll come on. I'll really try not to think about you so much.
It's not easy though. You're in my head constantly. As much as I try to forget you and tell myself I never want to see you again. I just can't do it. I'm wresting with the far off idea that maybe you're thinking to me too. But you're probably not, unless you're thinking about having sex. And sickeningly that makes me happy. I want you to think of me for any reason even if it just so you can get laid.
I think its better for me to keep a physical relationship with you and leave my emotions at the door.
I never imagined that I'd feel this way but there is just something that won't let me let go. I want to be with you, even if it's just once in a while rather than me be completely alone.
We won't talk about this ever again unless you bring it up.
I'm still really pissed at you. How dare you be so full of yourself to think that I want you so bad and I want all of your time? I don't. I wouldn't mind seeing you more than every other weekend. But if you don't want to see me more, that's fine.
I don't understand why though. I'm a wonderful person and you should feel damn lucky for all that I've given you. I gave you my virginity. More importantly, I gave you my heart and I thank god you don't know that.
You are the only one I've ever let in, and I mean that more than literally. You probably don't even give a shit about me. You're just using me. But I'm willing to deal with that so I can still see you.
Yes, I am so stupid! But you are stupider for passing up the opportunity to have a wonderful girlfriend like me! I'd be just what you always wanted and needed. And maybe soon enough you'll realize that what I want is something you've never had before: a healthy, non-stressful relationship.
When we first started seeing each other, I thought that maybe we could more than just fuck buddies but obviously you're not ready for that. I should have known that wouldn't be possible. You and Leah weren't even broken up yet when we first started talking. I was naïve to think that after meeting me and realizing how awesome I am, you'd just want to be with me. You don't and that is really your loss.
I can't give up just yet. I can't let my virginity go to waste.
One of two things will eventually happen; either things will finally develop into a relationship. Or I will get sick of being used and I will find the courage to end it.
I guess there is a third possibility: you'll get bored with me, and you'll end it. I don't know why that would happen though, considering I'm at your mercy in basically every way. We see each other when you want to and when we have sex, you are the one who decides what happens. At the very least, I can use you to get sexual experience because I still don't really know what I'm doing.
I'm wrestling with so many ideas in my head. I'm thinking about the times you were so incredibly sweet to me. Telling me all the things you love about me. Holding me before and after. Reaching out your hand to help me out of the car. Kissing me for no reason, even when your friends are around. Holding my hand. And most importantly making me feel so comfortable about sex.
All of those things outweigh your behavior on Friday night. But maybe you don't think I'm worth your precious time now. After all, I did have the nerve to say I want to see you more. Even if I had no free time, I'd be thrilled to hear that someone I liked wanted to see me more. But I really do understand your emotional baggage caused your reaction. That doesn't necessarily make it ok, but I understand and I'm willing to forgive it.
Then there is this voice in my head reminding me that I may not get that chance because who knows if I'll ever hear from you. I've been re-playing Friday night in my mind, and I can't remember how exactly we left things. Usually you'll say, 'talk to you soon,' or something like that. I don't think you said that this time. That may or may not mean anything.
Before, I said I would really try not to think of you so much but several pages later, I still can't get you out of my mind. Ah! It's driving me insane, but I still can't stop.
When I first left your house, I was so mad. I told myself it was over. I'm going to keep telling myself that. Jake, it's over.
But it can't be! I would be so miserable. Half the time the possibility of seeing you on Friday night is what gets me through the week. The idea of never seeing you again makes me cry. I feel so pathetic. You may not even give me a second thought. But if that were true, why would you act like such an angel sometimes?
I know what we have means more to me than it does to you. You've felt this way before. I'm just another notch on your headboard. But meeting you has changed my life. I don't expect you to feel the same way. Honestly, I don't know what I expect at all. I know have hopes and wishes but no real expectations.
I just want to be with you, even just once in a while, if that is all I can get.
I know I deserve better, but I don't want to wait around, lonely, until Prince Charming comes along.
Oh god, what are you thinking right now? Do I ever cross your mind? I try so hard not to think of you, but I just can't help it. I feel like we have this bond, but it's probably all in my head. How do you expect me to feel? You were my first. This should have happened to me when I was 16, like everyone else. I don't know if it would have been easier or harder to deal with if this happened then. Probably easier because everyone goes through this then. I feel so far behind.
Now here I am. I've become someone I never wanted to be. At the mercy of a guy who is only looking out for himself. We don't have a relationship, but I feel like we do. It's only been three months and its like you have taken over every part of my life. I wake up thinking of you, I drive to school thinking of you. Songs on the radio remind me of you. Guys on campus remind me of you. I'm thinking of you during class, while I'm at work, while I'm talking to my friends. Every time the phone rings, there is a split second where I'm desperately hoping it's you calling. I check my email a few times a day wishing there'd be a message from you. I stay online for hours hoping you'll come on.
I don't want to be like this. You've taken over my mind. You don't know you did it. You didn't mean to. I'm just kicking myself for thinking maybe things had changed. You've been very honest about how you feel.
I just need to stay unemotional. I'll pretend I don't care. Maybe I'll even date someone else. And I'll never let you know how torn up I am. I'm still so confused about my own feelings. Am I stupid enough to let you keep using me? Hell, in a way I've been using you too. You are my sex education teacher and I still have plenty to learn from you.
Stop it, Bella! I have to stop thinking about you. I have to get you out of my mind. But I honestly can't. In the last five days, I can honestly say not five minutes goes by without me thinking of you.
The last three months keep running through my mind. The last time we argued, I thought I lost you. Those two weeks were pure hell. I cried a lot. I constantly felt sick. But this time there is a sense of calm. I feel like I know I'll hear from you again. That might bite me in the ass later because I may never hear from you again. I just can't accept that though. The ides of it kills me.
But I'm still really mad at you! You were such an asshole to me, and it was really uncalled for. Then after we 'let it go,' I stayed. We just watched TV. We didn't talk much. When I put my shoes on, you asked me if I was leaving. You didn't seem like you wanted me to leave, but you said you were getting tired. You held me and kissed me goodbye, but no 'see you soon.'
Maybe that is nothing to worry about. Or maybe in your mind, you knew that you didn't want to see me anymore. Of course, there is the possibility that you did 'let it go' very easily.
I don't expect to hear from you this weekend but by next weekend, if I don't hear from you, I'll believe that it is over. I will try like a champ not to be disappointed when I don't hear from you this weekend. And at the end of next weekend, if I don't hear from you, I'll cry. I'll talk to my friends. I'll listen to sad music and stare at your picture. Then after a very long time, I'll forget about you.
I've been alone a long time. The perpetual third wheel. That's me. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. That really sucks but maybe it's how it's supposed to be until I finally meet the one who will be everything I've always wanted. It's not you. But you are what I want for right now. It could really be the perfect situation if I can stop acting like you're the be all end all of my life. You are not. In reality, you're not a big part of my life at all.
So why have I been writing this? I guess I just needed to get it all out. I'll pretend I've said all of this to you, so we never have to talk about it again. Well, some of it anyway. Geez! Look at me! What a fool, writing all of this!
Jake, I want to keep things how they've been and that is the bottom line. I had a really weird dream about you last night. I woke up feeling pretty empty because it felt real. You were going to Seattle for New Years with Leah. It was a weird dream but that was the point of the dream. I woke up feeling sad.
I have my good moments and bad when I think of you. Jessica is right, I'm being dramatic like my dad. I know we aren't important parts of each other's lives, but I tend to forget that because of the simple fact that you've changed my life so much.
As much as I don't want to think of you, writing this all out has made me feel a little better. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster; up and down, up and down. Sometimes I feel ok about things and that I'll hear from you soon. Then other times I feel like I stressed you out so much and now you don't want to deal with me at all.
Who knows if you've thought of me at all. Oh my god, I hope you have! I want you to think about me. I've been fooling myself saying that I don't want a relationship. I do. But definitely not the way you look at relationships.
I'll never get want I want from you, so why dwell on it? Who cares what I want. Certainly not you. But then there I go thinking maybe you do care about me and that you're just scared to get into another relationship.
Oh well, we'll see. All I can do is try so hard to not think of you and wait until next weekend. I don't hear from you then, I'll assume it's over. I hope it's not but maybe it'd be the best thing for me. I have made a big deal out of nothing. This whole thing is probably nothing to you.
No, it can't be! In the last three months, in all the times we've seen each other, why would you act like you do care? I think you do. I hope you do. I just have to be patient and see if I ever hear from you again. And if I do, when I see you, I'll act like my happy self. I'll show no emotion concerning the way I feel about you. I'll be sexually aggressive. I'll be how you want me to be. Aren't you lucky to have me in the palm of your hand?
As long as you don't know how strongly I feel for you, I can play things the way I want to. I want you believe that I don't care. But I love you and I am so glad you don't know that. You'd probably laugh if you knew because I'm sure you feel nothing for me except maybe attraction. Hell, that's ok. I feel stronger for you than you feel for me. Typical female. But it's really ok. I can deal with it.
If I couldn't, I would have already justified it within myself that it's over. It's up to you to initiate if we ever see each other again, but it's up to me if we ever actually do.
When I first left your house Friday night, I talked to Alice and Jasper, and they told me what a jerk you are. They sort of convinced me that I should never talk to you again. I left telling them, and myself, that it was over.
Then I really thought about it. Yes, you were a jerk but that doesn't mean I never want to see you again. I wish I could feel that way because then I wouldn't be so torn. I am very confused not only with you, but with myself.
I just want to be in your arms. I know when we're together, it isn't too often that we just lay there but when we do it's the best feeling in the world! It's like everything is right and there is no other place I'd want to be. When we kiss, I feel so close to you. I feel like you're in my soul.
It's been six days since I've seen or talked to you, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever see you again. I try so hard not to think about it but you're forever in my thoughts. I feel so pathetic. How many times am I going to say that? When am I going to realize that the last three months have been no big deal?
I'm still on that rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like I'll hear from you soon and other times I think I'll never see you again. Why have I become this way? This is the opposite of how I wanted to be. I should have known from the beginning that it wouldn't work. Why didn't I stop before I got in too deep?
This is really all my fault. But now what can I do? I need to stop talking about it. I need to put on my brave front. Everyone has always looked at me as the strong one but it comes to you, I am so very weak. It's time for strong Bella to come back! No one likes weak Bella, especially me. I need to be strong again.
The thing that kills me is that all of this in in my head. You haven't given me any indication that you don't want to see me anymore. I haven't heard from you in a week. That is nothing new. It's not even necessarily a bad thing. Quil told me you never call people.
But I will not call you! I just don't feel right about it. Especially now, I won't be calling you or contacting you in any way. For all I know, you haven't given me a second thought since the moment I left your house. Or maybe you have been wondering why I haven't emailed you or sent you an AIM. I hope you check your email waiting for something from me, because you're not getting a thing from me.
As much as I would LOVE to see you, I'm still pretty angry. Writing all of this has helped me with that but I don't think I'll be over it until I hear your voice or see your face.
Today is Friday. It's been one week. While I don't expect to hear from you, I know later on I'll be wondering what you're doing. I won't lie and say it'll be easy. I will do my best to not dwell on it all day and night long.
Now, it has been 11 days. Oh well. It's not really unusual to not hear from you for this long. I'm still very up and down with the way I feel. I love you and I hate you.
It's Wednesday. Day 12 and still nothing. Are you wondering why you haven't heard from me? Maybe the thought hasn't even entered your mind. Can it be? My dad says it's all in what I'm willing to settle for. Well, I want you, in any way I can have you. Even if it's just a few hours every few weeks. If that's all I can have, then fine.
But dammit! I have to stop crying over you. I'm getting on my own nerves, never mind everyone elses. I hope I can pick myself up and go back to normal because I'm getting sick and tired of being this silly little girl.
You know what Jake, fuck you! It's been 13 days and there has been no contact between us at all. That is ridiculous. It is more clear to me than ever that you don't care about me at all. Sure, maybe you're really busy. But so busy that you can't give a quick hello on AIM or email. Fuck that!
I'm not sure if I can take this anymore. My sister's boyfriend gives her roses for no reason. They barely go 13 minutes without talking to each other.
I know Quil says you don't call people, but a lot of our contact has been through the computer. So, there is really no reason for you to not be contacting me. Maybe you're wanting me to contact you but I will not do it!
It's been 24 days, but we talked AIM yesterday. We just talked about school, but when you had to go you said you'd talk to me later. If you didn't mean it, you wouldn't have said it. You would have just said 'bye.'
So, there is hope. I met a guy a few days ago. He is nice and smart, and he likes me. He would probably be really good to me. But there is no spark. There just isn't anything there, probably because I'm still completely obsessing over you.
You are the one that messaged first. You made the contact. We had a normal conversation, just like always. Maybe things will go back to the way they were. There is hope. I love you and I can't give up.
This Friday will be four weeks. That is a long time to not see each other but I haven't done anything to let you know how much I ache to see you. I spent all day Saturday crying over you. I just kept thinking about all the sweet, wonderful things that have happened between us. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you.
I love you so much and I feel much better now that there is real hope that I might see you again.
~~My Embarrassing Diary~~
Other than changing names, this was, word for word, a 13 page handwritten note to "Jake" that I never sent. It was incredibly painful to transcribe!
