December 1, 1999
I just need to write down how I feel. In the last four months, I have become a different person. I lost a bunch of weight. I colored my hair. I dress differently. I carry myself differently because I'm a lot more confident than I ever have been.
Of course it's not just my looks that have changed. I have changed as a person because I've been totally swept away by my first real love.
It's not a deep relationship. I don't see him all the time, but I think about him constantly. This has been the happiest and most heart breaking four months of my life.
Jake makes me so happy when I'm with him, which isn't too often. When I'm not with him, I spend all my time wondering when I'll see him again and wondering if he really cares about me. He must because why else would he call me? Why would he kiss me, hold my hand, hold me like he never wants to let go?
Then there is the other voice in my head that says if he cared about me, he'd want to see me more than every few weeks.
But maybe he's really busy. Maybe he doesn't want to get too close.
Either way, it doesn't matter because it's all worth it when I'm with him. I've never felt this way before. It's an amazing feeling I get when I can look into his eyes, kiss his soft lips or see his cute smile when I do or say something silly.
He treats me so well when we're together. How could he be that way and not care about me? I don't think he could.
I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him but it doesn't matter. I'll take him anyway I can have him-even if it's for a few hours every couple of weeks.
It's not a traditionaly boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but he's worth it.
There is just something about him that keeps me hanging on and wanting more. He's just got a way about him; an inner strength and confidence, a charming nature.
I spend all my time wondering how he feels, but I guess I already know. It's been four months and we still see each other. Maybe it will turn into more. I'll wait forever if I have to. If it ends, I'll be heartbroken, but I'll survive.
I'll take him anyway I can have him. Hes worth all the wondering, second guessing and the rollercoaster I'm on.
I don't even know who I am anymore. Who the hell am I? I'm Isabella Marie Swan. I'm 20 years old. I'm busy. I have great friends and a good family, money, education; all the neccesities in life.
And I'm in love for the very first time.
