Daring
The turn of the century was upon them all, and Julia sat before her vanity alone. Darcy had left without her, and she had made no effort to stop him. It wasn't that she didn't want to see the Lamott's. It was that it had recently become hard to support Darcy, even though she told herself time and again their relationship was built on mutual respect. In truth, she was still angry with him. What had happened to his respect, when she expressed her desire to take up psychiatry? She stopped her train of thought to consider where it began. The first thing she learned in psychiatry was to analyze herself, and if she looked at her feelings honestly, her marital tension was about more than just a career change. Though Darcy was long gone, his last words, "I think you should be with whom you wish," lingered in her ear like a challenge, or perhaps a dare.
She had already dawdled in front of the mirror so long. As she stared at her reflection, she realized she wasn't looking at herself, she was looking for herself. The mirror showed only the woman Darcy wanted her to be, not the woman she wanted to see. What happened to the Julia who dared to step out and take risks, who fought for what she believed in and refused to back down in the face of adversity? Did she really have to give up who she wanted to be for the sake of a peaceful marriage? Perhaps she didn't want to do this, after all.
It was time she let herself step outside the cocoon of respectability. She'd start by changing out of this dress she'd chosen for Darcy and the Lamotts, and into something more bold. There was one outfit that spoke perfectly to her feelings: the red dress that Darcy complained was too daring. This dress declared she was ready to celebrate her body, to stand out, and to make a scene. Whether or not Darcy appreciated those feelings no longer mattered. Her life was based on self-respect, not her husband's permission. Even if she ever did need validation, there were certainly men in the world who valued a woman of freedom and adventure, men of intellect who felt stimulated rather than threatened by a professional woman. She realized she had picked out the dress for a man after all, and that man was William Murdoch.
She had let him go once. Fear had held her back, fear that he would resent her past, fear that she couldn't fulfill his wish for a family. She didn't know if he wanted her company tonight, or even at all. He hadn't come to her before her wedding, although she asked him to make his feelings known. All she knew was her feelings for him. Once she'd asked him to be brave enough to tell her his desires. Tonight she would be brave enough to tell him her own. If friendship was all he craved, then she would accept as best she could. She wouldn't find her answer until she spoke to him, and to do that, she had to take herself to face him. Out of any of the places she could be right now, the Policemans' Ball sounded all together the most exhilarating.
The turn of the century was a time to be daring. She was ready to take chances in all things, not just her clothes, but her career, and her feelings. The new year meant a new lease on life, and she was going to take the opportunity. She didn't need the mirror to tell her who she was now. Actions and decisions declared the person, and she had decided on change. The past would no longer decide her future. She once let William go because she thought she couldn't give him the life he dreamed. This time she let herself believe that she could offer him everything he wanted. She dared to go to him. Whatever waited for her at the ball, she would face the challenge.
