Part Nine
February 2011
San Diego
"Colonel, Ben Iverson is on the line for you."
I can't help but frown at the mention of my ex, and I reach for the phone and then hesitate before finally picking it up. "Hey, Ben."
"Sarah, hi." He sounds a little flustered, and I lean forward in my chair. "How are you," he asks.
"Good. How are you?"
"Good," he says, then he falls silent, which is almost unbearable.
I pick up a pen and doodle on the desk blotter while I wait for him to speak. He doesn't, and I finally sigh and drop the pen. "What can I do for you, Ben?" He lets out a breath, and I frown. "Ben?"
"Can we talk?"
"We are talking," I say. "You called me."
He sighs again, obviously frustrated. "Can we talk in person? Please?"
I hesitate and think about Harm and his jealousy over Ben's phone call on Thanksgiving. I have a love-hate relationship with jealous Harm. Throughout our partnership, he'd only ever expressed interest in me when I was unavailable. Those times were a beacon of light because they showed that he wanted me. But I also hated it because when the jealousy had him lashing out, it made me feel like an old toy he only wanted because another child was trying to play with it. Now he's more than just my partner, but he's still jealous moments over the other men I've had in my life.
"What's this about?"
"I could really use your help," he says softly. "It's about the boys, Charlotte, and our custody agreement – or lack thereof. I could use some legal advice, and I can't afford an attorney if it turns out I don't need one."
"Ben," I start, and he cuts me off.
"Please, Sarah. Let me buy you lunch and draw on your expertise for an hour."
I think about his three sons and the ex-wife he could never move on from, and I swallow. "Okay. I think I can spare an hour. I glance at the calendar on my computer screen and study the blocks of time. "I have some free time now."
"That sounds good," he says, and I can hear the relief in his voice. "I really appreciate this, Sarah."
"I'm happy to offer whatever advice I can," I say. "But remember, I'm not a family lawyer."
"I know," he says, "but you're the smartest person I know."
The compliment makes me blush, and I bite my lower lip. "Thanks, Ben." We agree on a Mexican restaurant we used to eat at all the time, and I hang up my phone and puff out my cheeks. I have a bad feeling about this, but it is what it is. I grab my hat and my purse and leave my inner office.
"Jen, I have a lunch," I tell her. "I should be back in about an hour."
She makes a face, and even though she doesn't know about Harm and me, I know she's curious about my lunch with Ben. "Yes, ma'am. I'll make a note on your calendar."
My eyes drift to her growing belly, and I smile. "I'm going for tacos. Want me to bring you anything?'
She shakes her head and places a hand on her stomach. "No, ma'am. The baby is craving a smoothie today, so I'll walk over to the café later on."
I laugh and shake my head. "That sounds better than the chili powder popcorn she was craving last week." Jen grins, and I head to the main door. "If you or the baby decide either of you want a taco, I'll have my cell phone on me."
I pull into my parking space and wait for Ben to catch up. Lunch was fine. Slightly awkward, but overall, it was fine. He and his ex-wife had split without an official custody agreement – both had sworn to put the welfare of their boys over anything else. But now his ex-wife is in an increasingly serious relationship with a new guy, and she's becoming less and less agreeable when it came to Ben getting his fair share of time with the kids.
I watch him pull into a guest parking spot and then jog to catch up to her. "Thanks for doing this," he says.
I've made a few friends who practice law locally and offered to pass along their information. Someone one else would be better suited for this, and I'm happy I know people who may be able to help. "It's not much," I say, "but hopefully, one of my friends can properly help you." He nods and follows me into my building. He opens the door, lets me enter first, and then follows me down the marble hallway to my office. He also opens that door, and I step inside ahead of him and smile at Jen. "Any calls, Jen?"
"No, ma'am." She stands quickly, and her eyes dart to the other side of the room. "You have a visitor, Colonel."
I look over towards the windows, and my eyes widen when I notice Harm. We haven't seen each other in person since Thanksgiving, and God, he's a sight for sore eyes. "Harm!" I want to run to him. I want him to pull me close and kiss me. But I'm in uniform, in my office, in front of a subordinate. And I notice how his jaw tightens when his eyes flicker to Ben.
"Hey, Mac," he says, his voice cool and distant – so different than the last time I saw him. We continue to stare at one another until Jen clears her throat, and we both turn our heads to her.
"Ma'am, I'm going to get that smoothie now, if you don't mind."
I pretend not to notice the cup of frothy pink liquid on her desk and shake my head. "No, that's fine, Jen." She grabs her things, smiles at Harm, and then hurries out of the office, and I'm left alone with the two men. I step closer to Harm and rest my hand on his arm. "Harm, this is Ben. Ben, Harm."
Harm doesn't move, and Ben merely gives Harm the once over and then looks back at me. "So, this is the guy you're dating."
"And this is your ex," Harm says, also looking at me, his jaw tightly clenched.
The three of us stand in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, but Ben seemingly remembers why he's here and takes a step back. "Sarah, if I need to come back later…."
"No!" I blush at the outburst and shake my head. "That isn't necessary. Just wait right here." I reluctantly leave him alone with Harm and hurry into my office for my address book. Neither man speaks as I fish out a few business cards and quickly photocopy them for Ben. I hand him the copies and try to smile normally. "Here you go. Start with Lauren Fogle, and tell her you're a friend of mine."
He flips through the sheets and gives me the smile that used to make my stomach flutter. "I will. Thank you, Sarah; I appreciate this."
I know how much he loves his sons, and I know he's genuinely thankful for the help. "You're welcome, Ben. Good luck with everything."
I notice his eyes flicker to Harm, and he nods. "You too."
I can tell he wants to lean in for a hug or a kiss, but I'm relieved he doesn't, and I turn to Harm as he leaves. "You're here!" I exclaim and move my hand to his chest. "This is a surprise!"
"I hoped it would be a good surprise," he asks. "Sorry if I interrupted something."
"You didn't interrupt anything," I say. It's interesting that only an hour or so ago, I was thinking about my love-hate relationship with jealous Harm, and here he is. And I fucking hate it. "Let's talk in my office," I say. I drop my hand from his chest and move toward the door of my inner office. He doesn't follow, and I raise an eyebrow. "Are you coming?" I can tell he wants to be obstinate and refuse, but he eventually relents and follows me inside. I push the door shut and reach for his hand. "What are you doing here?"
He swallows and shrugs. "I wanted to surprise you for your birthday since I you were busy for Valentine's Day." He doesn't seem as confident as he usually does, and even though I haven't done anything wrong, I feel guilty that Ben's presence has ruined his surprise.
I grab his hand and slide my fingers between his. "This is a great surprise," I say. "It's so good to see you." He looks down at our hands and then back at my face, but he doesn't say anything, and I pull my hand away, a little frustrated. "He needed legal advice, Harm. About custody of his kids. He took me to lunch to pick my brain, and that's all it was."
"He's a really good-looking guy," Harm says, a hint of petulance in his tone.
That comment coming from someone who looks like he does sounds completely ridiculous, and I can't help but roll my eyes. "So are you." The corner of his mouth twitches slightly, and I smile and stroke his face. "You haven't greeted me properly," I say.
He finally smiles and finally lowers his lips to mine. He pulls my body against him; I push my fingers into his hair and melt into the kiss.
"I've missed you," I say, my lips barely touching his.
"I've missed you too," he says softly. Then he kisses me again and gently pulls my bottom lip between his teeth. His fingers dig into my hips, and I let out a low moan. He's pushing me toward the desk when my phone rings, and we both go still.
I pull back and take a step back. My fingers brush over my lips, and I take a deep breath. "I forgot I was a work," I confess.
He nods and looks at the desk. "Your phone is still ringing."
"Damn," I mutter, reaching over and picking up the phone. I answer my phone and only partly listen to the person on the other end while I watch Harm walk around my office. He picks up a framed photo, and I wince and turn away from him to focus on the call.
He's still at my bookcase when I hang up, and I cross the room to stand next to him. I run my hand over his back, and he sets the photo back down and turns to me. "I can't believe he'll be a teenager soon."
I nod slowly. "I know," I say. "It's hard to believe it's been twelve years since we helped bring him into the world." I turn away from the photo and wrap my arms around my stomach. I can't bring myself to talk about what else we did twelve years ago.
"I haven't seen any of them in years," he confesses, and I turn back to him. He shrugs lightly and straightens the frame slightly.
"Why not?"
"I don't know," he says. "I asked Bud to come to London, but Harriet didn't think it was a good idea." I wrinkle my nose at the reminder of how overbearing Harriet tended to be, and he smiles. "I'll always love those kids, but we're all in different places in our lives. It's just been hard to keep a friendship going – especially when we have nothing in common, and there's an ocean between us." My phone begins to ring again, and I close my eyes and sigh. He leans forward and kisses my forehead. "I should go," he says. "Can I come by tonight?"
I reach into my purse and grab my keys. I pull the apartment key off the ring and hand it to him. "You can go there now if you'd like. Make yourself at home, and I'll try to leave here a little early."
He takes the key and kisses me again. "Okay, thanks. I'll see you soon." The phone keeps ringing, and he gestures to the phone and grins. "Might want to answer that."
The first thing I notice when I get home is that my apartment smells insanely good. The lights are low, candles are lit, and there's a pot with something bubbling on the stove. I love how domestic all of this is, but at the same time, I'm frustrated by it - and by us. If either of us were able to prioritize the other over our careers, one of us would come home to this more often. And I don't mean the low lights and candles and the smell of a home-cooked meal - although those things are wonderful. I mean, we'd have the pleasure of coming home to someone we love. Someone to provide comfort, someone to talk to and tell stories to. Someone who greets you with a kiss and a hug and makes you feel like you really are home.
"Hey, you're home."
Harm comes out of my bedroom and pulls me from my thoughts, and I nod and smile. "I escaped a little early today." I approach him and reach up to kiss him. "It smells amazing in here."
He kisses me again, and his hands run over my back and down to my ass. "Braised short ribs," he says and grins when I raise an eyebrow. "Don't get used to it. Red meat is terrible for you, and I'm only cooking this because I'm here to celebrate your birthday."
I roll my eyes and begin to undo the buttons on my jacket. "I'll take what I can get." I realize I say that a lot to him, and I make myself smile. "How long till it's ready?"
He shrugs and glances at his watch. "At least an hour."
I nod and start walking toward my bedroom. He follows me and sits on the bed, and watches while I start to undress, which just feels wrong. He's never been unable to resist touching me the previous times we've been together, and my fingers go still on the buttons of my blouse. "Is everything okay," I ask.
He nods and leans back on his hands. "I hope I'm not in the way," he says softly. "I thought coming out here would be a nice surprise. But I didn't stop to think that you might have other plans for your birthday."
I shake my head and sit down on the bed next to him. "I didn't have any other plans," I say, and I feel my cheeks start to redden. "I know we both vowed not to become one of those long-distance couples permanently attached to our cellphones and webcams, but all I wanted tonight was to order some takeout and to talk to you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," I say and lean against him, closing my eyes. He doesn't smell like the interior of an airplane anymore. Now he smells like Harm, and God, it's a good smell. "We haven't seen each other in three months. I'm so happy to see you." He smiles and nods, but he's subdued, and his usual swagger is missing. I turn my face to kiss his cheek, and then grab his face and force him to look at me. "I've missed you."
He traces my lips with his thumb. "I've missed you, too." He kisses me gently and then pulls back and stands up. "I'll let you change," he says.
Hi departure throws me. I've never been particularly vain, but I'm also not a fan of false modesty. I know I'm an attractive woman, and I know Harm can't keep his hands to himself when I begin to undress. Something is off, and I stand up and follow him out of the room. He's back in the kitchen measuring out something yellow and grainy, and I frown. "What's going on, Harm?"
"What?" He turns quickly, and the contents of the package miss the measuring cup and scatter across the floor. "Shit," he mutters. He looks around and frowns. "Where's the dustpan?"
"Under the sink," I say. I go to the sink and pull out a small brush and dustpan. I bend to start sweeping up the grains, but he takes them from me and does it himself. I stay crouched, watching him for a moment, and then stand and dust my skirt off. I wait till he's finished with the mess, and then I move to him and place my hand between his shoulder blades. "What's going on," I ask again.
"Nothing." I raise an eyebrow, and he shakes his head. "It's nothing."
We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the years. Downs that would break most people. But through everything, we've never lied to each other, and I have the unsettling feeling that he's lying to me now. "I don't believe you," I say softly. He flinches, and I pull back. "Did you come all this way to put an end to us?"
His eyes go wide, and he recoils as if I've slapped him. "What? No! God, Mac, no." He takes a deep breath and steps closer. "That's the last thing I want."
"Then what's going on? Something is off, Harm. I know it. And I need to know what it is."
"I was really hoping we could have dinner first."
I shake my head. "Right now, my stomach is in knots, and I won't be able to eat a thing."
He sighs and closes his eyes. "Fine," he says. "Come here." He holds out his hand, and I take it. He pulls me close and gives me a soft but reassuring kiss before lifting me and setting me on the island. He pushes my legs apart as much as he can, considering the skirt, and stands between my knees. "It's about my career," he says. "And our future." I frown, and he lays his hands on my thighs. "And you're up here, so you can't run away if you don't like what I say."
I know he's referencing the Guadalcanal, and he finally smiles when I roll my eyes. "I hate my job," he says.
I nod. I know this already; he's hated it since the beginning. "I know," I say. I feel a spark of hope flicker in my chest. Maybe he's retiring and coming out here. But then I remember he said I may not like what he has to say, and I feel the spark flicker out.
"I know you know," he says. "And I've been thinking about it a lot - practically nonstop - and I've figured out what I want to do next."
"Okay," I say, trying to sound a lot calmer than I feel.
He nods, and he moves his hands from my thighs to my waist. "I want to go back to a carrier."
I feel my face react to his news - my brow furrows, my head tilts to the side, and my mouth gapes, but my brain can't put together a coherent thought, and I spend god only knows how long just staring at him.
"Mac?"
The sound of my name lifts me from this fog, and I shake my head. "I'm sorry, you what?" He doesn't say anything, but we both know he doesn't need to. I heard what he said. I can't believe he said it, but I know what he said. He holds me tighter as if he can tell I want to push him away and jump off this island. "Harm…"
He leans in and kisses me, and there's an intensity there that makes the kiss feel almost desperate - like he's worried this could be the last time he'll kiss me. He's kissed me like this before, and I shake away the memory of my engagement party.
We break apart, and my fingers cover my tingling lips. "I need to do this, Mac."
"No," I say, still unable to wrap my head around this. "You've already gone back to a carrier once, and you weren't happy."
"I know," he says. "But I wouldn't go back as a pilot this time. I'd go as an XO." I shake my head again, and he sighs. "I need to do this."
I forcefully push him away and slide off the island. "Why? Why do you need to do this?" I start to walk away from him, and he follows - like I knew he would.
"I still need the Navy, Mac. I'm not ready to retire, and I want a more active role. I'm so goddamned tired of spending all my time sitting behind a desk and sitting in conference rooms. I joined the Navy to serve, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything these days."
I don't say anything because - even though I hate the thought of it - I understand. Harm is a man of action. But what about us? What about this imperfect thing that we finally have? The thought of not even having this makes me want to cry, and I look away when I feel tears welling.
"Hey, don't cry." My back is to him, but I feel him closing the distance between us. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. "This doesn't change anything between us," he says. "I love you."
I turn and shake my head. "Harm, it's not - it's not enough." I take a deep breath and then another, forcing myself to calm down. "I don't know if I can do this," I say. That's a lie, though. It's not that I can't do this; it's that I don't know if I want to. I knew Harm was unhappy with his job, and if I'm being entirely honest with myself, I have to admit that I've been hoping that unhappiness would push him to retirement - and to a life with me. A real life with me. But that's obviously not the case, and now we could be carrying on a long-distance relationship forever.
His eyes flash, and he steps back. "So, that's it?" I don't say anything, and his jaw is clenched so tight I'm worried for his teeth. "If I do this, it's it for us?" I remain silent, and his eyes darken. "I've got to get out of here," he says, and without saying anything else, he's walking away from me and out of my apartment.
End Part 9
