Lost Connection
The orange hue of the Tardis illuminated the console room, everything was eerily quiet not a single sound could be heard but the slow hum of the machine. As the doors flung open the Tardis made a strange sound like it was cussing the blonde at how violently she was handling her faithful friend but the time lord was paying little to no attention to the box.
Loud gunshots were echoing in the distance not close enough to see the impact of the firing arm but near in proximity to have the doctor so on edge. Yaz came running after her, bloody patches staining her leather jacket. Dan was the last one to reach the doors, a vicious red mark outstretched across his leg.
The doctor sonics the doors, they closed with a thud, frantically she rocks back and forth on her feet feeling the accumulation of moisture in her eyes as she spoke in a monotone voice, head hung low and barely a whisper, "...I'm sorry." Yaz couldn't catch her breath her eyes were wide, almost frantic she shifted her gaze to Dan who was sitting down tending to his wounds with the doctor's first aid kit.
It was strange to be so hyper-aware of your surroundings yet feel so far away. The time lord lifted her head to see Yaz looking at her with fear in her eyes, she never wanted this to happen to hurt Yaz or even Dan. Yaz could see the cogs working overtime in the blonde's head how her forehead scrunched, her eyes tightly shut deep in thought, she knew the doctor was distressed, she wanted to reach out but couldn't.
After Dan patched himself up and cleaned the dried blood from his leg wound he spoke breaking the silence "It's okay doc these things happen y'know?" her mouth curled up into a small sad smile. He turned to his friend coming to her side, Yaz had her legs up rocking back and forth leaning on the console controls, she looked so small, so fragile, almost like a fetus in a womb not yet ready to face the horrors of the unknown world.
Dan offered Yaz a blanket she tried to move but her muscles felt like stone, unmovable. He draped the warm cozy piece of fabric over her shoulders the small relief it gave Yaz's shaky form was temporary but welcomed. "I got you Sheffield" he reassured her. The doctor could do nothing but look on she didn't know how to help when she was the one that caused this.
Throughout her many years traveling the universe, whisking normal ordinary people away with her, quenching that insatiable ego, and making them fall for her witty charm was all but a game, a bored timeless god playing pretend with its human toys. Dan transferred some of his heat from his fingertips by gently rubbing Yaz's shoulders creating friction and well-needed heat for her body, he smiled a genuine smile, she rolled her eyes a little.
He stood up from his kneeling position and spoke aloud, "I think this is a job for a lovely brew, a nice cuppa, I will be back in a bit." The small latch noise was all the doctor needed to know that she was now completely alone with Yaz which made her stomach do a complete flip. She had hardly said two words since they got into the Tardis, Yaz was the first to break the uncomfortable silence, "you okay?"
The doctor made a nasal-type sound with her throat, half laugh, half grunt, she couldn't believe after everything Yaz had been through, after everything she put her through the girl was still so compassionate and had the doctor's feelings at the very forefront of her mind.
The doctor placed a tentative hand on her companion's shoulder, a tear made its way out the floodgates, the rest were threatening to follow at any moment. It rolled down her cheek as she spoke. "You're seriously asking me if I'm alright after what I've done to you?" Yaz's confused look was so cute she raised an eyebrow and reached out her hand to wipe the pad of her thumb on the stray tear. "It's not your fault doctor" she croaked.
The doctor squeezed her eyes tightly shut, she almost felt angry, a burning sensation filling up her lungs with scorching hot unsaid emotions, she did not deserve this kindness. Her nostrils flared, that soft understanding caring emotion that swam in those beautiful green emerald eyes had now dissipated and turned a darker shade replaced with something Yaz hadn't seen before, she quickly removed her hand.
The doctor stood up staring down at Yaz, showing her status, that she was much more than this tiny human beneath her. "You know what Yaz, I am billions of years old, I've seen so many wonders of the universe defeated many foes and I've lost more than you could ever possibly imagine. I shouldn't be able to function at the number of people who died at my hand and yet even though they are with me, in my hearts, I go on as like nothing has happened...I'm not a good person Yaz."
Her body slumps as she falls back on the Tardis wall head in her hands, Yaz's heart aches to see her friend going through so much, treading the room carefully to where the doctor is, her breath coming in rapid pants, Yaz feels the urge to wrap her arms instinctively around her closest friend.
She wasn't sure if the doctor would squirm away from the touch or give in to it, her own emotions were on overdrive. She only ever hugged the doctor once when she came back from the flux, it was the blonde who initiated their hug that time so the pressure was on.
To her surprise the doctor sunk deep into the embrace, Yaz could hear small muffled sobs against her chest the brunette woman had never seen the doctor like this before, so vulnerable no mask or cheerful demeanor her friend put on to dampen her emotions. Right now in Yaz's warm arms, the doctor was stripped bare a very rare unlikely sight.
The sound of her friend's broken cries and stifled breaths were heart-breaking, she gently lifted her palm so she could rub soothing circles over the doctor's back, "you're not a bad person, you're unlike anyone I've ever met, you're amazing."
By now the shell shock of today's previous events was almost trivial in comparison to this moment the older woman was going to protest shaking her head profusely but Yaz made a cooing noise with her mouth and just held her friend there for as long as she needed.
A few hours passed the sobbing finally subsided, the doctor separated herself from Yaz, she wiped her nose across her sleeve so completely out of character Yaz thought. They both stared longingly at each other, the doctor's eyes started to blossom back into that delicate shade of green, Yaz was transfixed in their marvelous beauty.
She stepped closer, her heart sounds like a million marching bands conducting a recital all at once. The doctor followed suit as they bridged the distance they were now mere inches apart, their feelings hung heavily in the air unspoken yet so seen by the vibrant look reflected in both their eyes.
Yaz could feel the hot air of the doctor's breath caressing her chapped lips, the tension was too much to bear and the proximity of how close they were didn't help to douse the burning passion igniting between the pair. They were both teetering on a thin edge, the next step they take could make them irreversibly fall into each other...are they ready for that?
As always Dan had the most perfect timing clicking the latch on the door coming in with two white piping hot mugs in his hand the steam circulating the dark orange lit room like an ethereal spirit dancing around the two porcelain containers. He approached the two women who craned their heads around and jumped from each other so fast like they had both been prodded with a burning hot cattle prod.
Yaz sighed heavily when her heart stopped thumping, Dan looked at Yaz apologetically knowing he had just disturbed something important. "Always pick your times don't you scouse?" she teased. The brunette glanced in the doctor's direction she could see a slight tinge of pink to her cheeks making Yaz shudder. She quickly grabbed for the cup in Dan's hand before he could warn her she yelped and bit her lip...
"I was going to tell you it's hot" he laughed "but I guess you just found out that for yourself." The doctor carefully took the other cup the warmth heating her hands, she held it in her palms examining the swirling movement of the tea completely lost in thought.
They all sipped their tea in silence Yaz let the last drop of the mixture slide down her throat before handing the empty mug to the doctor, their fingers gently brushed each other for a little too long. The events of today were threatening to pull Yaz deep into a downward spiral, her head started to thump angrily she knew that she had to remove herself quickly from Dan and especially the Doctor.
Everything started to become too much, Yaz could feel those storm clouds descending heavily on her, "I'm going to bed" she announced quickly, the doctor was startled by Yaz's voice but nodded her head in understanding.
Yaz wished everyone goodnight and removed herself from the console room all she could think of was the relief waiting for her in the safe confines of her room. "Think I better hit the hay to doctor, don't stay up all night will ya." Dan playfully nudged the doctor's shoulder exiting the chamber leaving her completely alone with her conflicting thoughts.
Yaz felt her skin crave those luxurious sheets, her whole body flopped forward onto the bed as she felt the soft cotton wrap itself around her limbs, the brunette felt like her whole body was being held together by a single thread at this point.
Finding the strength to prop her weary frame up against the headboard she fished for a small sharp razor blade in her bedside draw holding it between her fingers, she twisted the blade seeing the reflection of the lamp beside her coating its silver exterior. She sighed rolling up her sleeve to position the blade comfortably on her exposed skin shaking slightly both with anticipation and fear.
Yaz's mind whisked itself back to when the doctor left her for those 10 months, she was so obsessed with finding her, every waking hour she would try and scout out new information of where she might be, not wanting to rest until she found her.
The months away from the doctor was some of the hardest times Yaz as ever experienced in her life she didn't even know if the doctor would return, she hoped but as the months passed by she started to accept that she might not see her again, that her worst fears were again realized, she was left abandoned.
What was even worse was when she did return only to leave again, this time for even longer than before. Yaz wasn't sure she could mentally take the strain of how many times she was dropped by the person she cared so much for and how this was seriously taking a toll on her mental health making the urge to escape back into her old habits even more deliciously inviting.
Filled with the regrets of the past and those hurtful voices chattering incessantly in her mind, she knew she didn't want to do this, not again, but if she pressed down with the blade and cut deep euphoria would take her over, transcending her up into peace and contentment.
Tapping her fingers repeatedly on the console controls trying to find a way to be brave the doctor finally admits to herself that she has feelings for Yaz, knowing she can't leave her in the dark anymore she builds up the courage to go find her.
Making her way steadily down the corridor to Yaz's room tiptoeing not to wake Dan from his slumber her mind is going ten million paces per second on how this conversation might go. As the blade sliced firmly down into her unscathed skin Yaz let out a deep sigh of relief all those chattering thoughts were brought into complete submission, waves of serenity washed over her like a cool morning breeze.
Cleaning the blade of the fresh blood with a small handkerchief she heard a tiny tap at her bedroom door, terror enveloped her as she quickly rolled her sleeve down to see the doctor looking at her with concern.
"Are you okay?" Yaz didn't realize she had her mouth open until she closed it nodding, replacing her bewildered expression with a slight smile greeting the doctor. The blonde knew something was up but did not want to press, sitting down by Yaz's side she was mentally preparing herself for this conversation.
Clearing the lump in her throat and moving to intertwine their fingers together she spoke in a quiet tone "I think we need to talk-" she began but stopped when she felt a sticky-like substance on her fingers.
The brunette completely froze when she realized she might have cleaned the evidence away but the scar she left was still visibly weeping blood. The doctor examined her scarlet-stained fingers looking incredibly confused and a bit panicked, "Are you hurt?" Yaz could no longer look the doctor in her eyes she shielded herself away trembling as the doctor examined the wound with her sonic.
With a clunk, the device crashed to the floor, the time lord saw the culprit of the inflicted laceration, its origins a razor blade. Yaz made eye contact only briefly with the doctor whose mouth was open, her eyes welling up with unshed tears when the realization of what must have happened dawned on her.
"It's all too much sometimes" Yaz confessed, the doctor couldn't think straight everything she wanted to say fell away not knowing how to process this information she turned Yaz's head to her ever so slightly so they were both directly looking at each other, gently she caressed her cheek Yaz was crying now, she spoke in broken sobs...
"What happened today was just too much to handle, I couldn't properly process anything but when I..." she trailed off unable to bring herself to continue. All the guilt came flooding back to the time lord it threatened to take her under with its violent current knowing that everything Yaz felt and what happened was all because of her.
If she wasn't so egotistical, never meddled with Tim Shaw, or brought them traveling together in the first place Yaz would have a normal carefree life but she had to be cruel and show off-putting the young girl in danger.
"Oh Yaz" She pressed her forehead to the young woman's sighing audibly, Yaz smiled at the touching show of affection. "You know when you left me with your hologram it felt like I had a piece of you there with me, I recited all the words to our conversations, it soothed me, but when those thoughts came and I didn't know if I was going to see you again..."
"..I guess you could say I went back to my old habits" she stopped, seeing the doctor bawl her fists tightly into the duvet, Yaz placed her hands over both of the blondes trying to telepathically tell her it was okay, she must have sensed the intended connection releasing the pressure.
"When you came back and gave me that hug everything felt right with the world I put the razor away and I haven't used it until well..." the doctor sighed, finishing the sentence solemnly "until today" Yaz bit her lip and chuckled dryly.
The doctor felt like a stuck record at this point always repeating the same useless phrase over and over "I am so sorry Yaz, I won't leave again I promise". As those words left her mouth they both knew it was a lie, a beautiful one but a lie nonetheless. Yaz let herself crack a big watery smile "wouldn't that be nice if it was true."
Those last words cut the doctor deep, like a knife penetrating both her beating hearts but they both knew with much certainty that neither could make that promise, not really, "This is not how I wanted this conversation to go Yaz," the younger girl laughed back brokenly, "I know."
The doctor knew her time was coming she had no idea when the final hands-on that clock would stop and her time would come to its end but she couldn't in good conscious leave without reciprocating the same feelings her young companion had back for her. She always believed that actions spoke louder than words, words can be fabricated and twisted but actual romantic showers of affection can never be seen as something other than completely pure, always the romantic.
Yaz watched as the impossible happened, she had dreamed about this moment many long lonely nights but now the feeling of the doctor's lips pressed so gently to hers had all those past dreams fading in comparison. The doctor grazed her lips ever so hesitantly to see what reaction she would get from Yaz. For a moment she didn't move, too wrapped up in her thoughts to process the faint pressure, she knew the doctor was kissing her but it all felt so surreal.
Thinking she might have pushed Yaz too far the blonde pulls back quickly and scoots away looking embarrassed. Yaz snaps out of it realizing she's lost contact with the doctor's lips which was something she was going to rectify straight away.
Yaz lunged forward, grabbing the doctor by her rainbow-colored braces that hung loosely to her shoulders, seizing the doctor's hair tightly in her fist she crashed their lips together feverously. Taken by the surprise of the dominance Yaz was displaying the doctor quickly proceeded with copying her actions nipping and biting at the brunette's bottom lip generously.
As they pulled back to regain well-needed air the second time they found each other it was slower, a candlelit procession romanticized by the merging of their mouths. Their tongues swayed in unison, everything felt so symbiotic. Even with their eyes closed, they both sensed the huge smile that hung to their lips as they explored every inch of each other's mouths, both of them felt more at home than anywhere they ever had before.
The Doctor had that cute bashful expression again when she spoke, "I thought it was better I showed you" she giggled, "I know I've left you in the past Yaz, I'm truly sorry for putting you through all that pain." She looked down to the now somewhat clean symmetrical cut-up Yaz's arm hanging her head low in shame. Yaz followed the doctor's eye movements placing her thumb ever so carefully to the doctor's chin lifting her up to eye level.
"I won't do it again, just stay with me?" the doctor went to speak so Yaz rephrased the question, "for as long as you can, okay?" the doctor nodded slowly, "We really should have that talk Yaz." she cuddles up against the brunette feeling their bodies pressed together, connected through an invisible force.
Yaz felt the need for sleep starting to consume her, eyes becoming too heavy to keep open for much longer. She drapes the doctor's arm over her and securely places herself into the arms of the woman she loves with all her heart, "we will", she replies sleepily, feeling the blonde sigh contently they both settle and slip to a peaceful sleep.
Maybe the time that had started to tick against them would outrun them before they could make good on their promise to unburden themselves of this unsaid love between them. Neither of them knew when they would be pulled tragically apart but for now, until their clock stopped, they would have each other and nothing in the universe could compare to that.
