(Or "Pretty fly for a Jedi")
"WELL THE LAST TIME YOU REMEMBER, TOM LANDDRIVER, C3-Peab-0 AND R2-Boy2 HAD JUST BEEN FOUND BY THE OLD CRAZY MAN--"
"HEY!" Adobe Wan exclaimed, offended.
"SORRY--FORMER JEDI KNIGHT, ADOBE WAN KENOBI! THEY'D ALSO DISCOVERED THAT R2-Boy2 HAD A HIGHLY IMPORTANT MESSAGE STORED WITHIN HIS MEMORY BANKS."
"It is imperative that we listen." Said Adobe Wan, pressing the play button on the small, bespectacled droid.
"IMMEDIATELY, A HOLOGRAM OF A YOUNG WOMAN WAS EMITTED FROM THE SMALL DROID. TOM'S ATTENTION WAS NOW ON THE IMAGE OF SAID WOMAN."
"Woah…" he sighed. "She's pretty hot…"
"A-hah, a-hahahahah…" Adobe Wan awkwardly laughed.
"What's so funny?" Tom asked.
"General Adobe, years ago you helped my father during the Drone Wars, and now I require your assistance yet again." The holographic recording spoke. "My starship has been commandeered by Barf Verdura, and I am to be taken captive aboard his ship, the Def Jam, a terrible vessel capable of destroying a thousand moons with the strength of a thousand moons. So I ask of you—Help me, Adobe Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope—"
"AND WITH THAT, THE TRANSMISSION IMMEDIATELY SHUT OFF."
"So…what do we do now?" Tom asked.
"We've got to find a pilot." Adobe Wan spoke. "And I know just where to get one…"
—————————
"AFTER TAKING TOM'S LANDSPEEDER OUT INTO THE DESERT, THEY QUICKLY ARRIVED IN A SMALL TOWN."
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We've gotta be careful."
"Doesn't look so bad!" Tom exclaimed.
"ALMOST AS IF THE UNIVERSE WAS LISTENING, A FEW HUNDRED LASER SHOTS RANG OUT IN THE DISTANCE, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A MAN DYING, AND ANOTHER MAN CRAWLING OUT, IN DESPERATION TO HAVE THE WOUND ON HIS SIDE HEALED…"
"Please…" the wounded man groaned. "Have…mercy….ughh…" he passed out.
"Shoot. How're we gonna find someone who can take us there now?" Tom asked, scratching his head.
——————-
("Cantina Band" instrumental plays, our heroes are now seated at a bar.)
"I can take you there." A cleft-chinned man with blonde hair and blue eyes spoke. He wore pants and a vest and sat with his boots propped up on a table (not to mention this man resembled Dudley Do-Right). "The name's Ham Solo…and this is Chewinkle, my co-pilot."
"GGGRGGGRGEHH!" Chewinkle—a moose wookiee wearing nothing but a bandolier exclaimed to the shock of Tom Landdriver and Adobe Wan.
"Yes, that's all he says…" Ham Solo replied. "But I can comprehend him juuuuust fine!"
"ARRGGHGGAHGGH…" Chewinkle briefly flipped through the script. "…consarn it I don't have one normal speakin' line—UH, I MEAN GLAGGRGHHHG!"
"So," Ham clapped his hands together once. "If you're gonna come with me on the Tricentennial Moose, What's the cargo?"
"Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked." Adobe replied, taking a sip of Ham's piña colada.
"Well, okay!" Ham Solo yanked out a calculator. "Chewinkle, will ya crunch the numbers?—I'm not a math person.."
"CHEWIE PRESSED MULTIPLE BUTTONS ON THE CALCULATOR, THEN NODDED TO HAM."
"AAARGRGGR!" Chewinkle exclaimed.
"Yep, that'll be 500 credits!" Ham replied.
"500–WE DON'T HAVE THAT KINDA MONEY!" Tom exclaimed, angrily getting closer to Ham.
"Tom, calm down, I'll handle this." Adobe spoke, passing the blonde man a credit card.
"Well, pleasure doin' business with you..." Ham took the card. "Now remember I'm at Docking Bay 64."
"64." Both Adobe and Tom repeated to themselves.
"AS ADOBE AND TOM WALKED OFF TO THE DOCKING BAY, HAM LIT A CIGARETTE AND CHUCKLED TO HIMSELF."
"Passage to All-da-wrong…heh…Chewbert, can you believe these weirdos?!" Ham asked, before Chewinkle started cowering in fear.
"SPEEDO, A STRANGE ALIEN CREATURE SHOWED UP, A GUN POINTED AT HAM'S HEAD."
"Macklunkey!" The weird creature exclaimed.
"Speedo, my man, how's it hangin'?!" Ham asked, trying ever so hard to keep things casual. "Look, I know he wants the money but you gotta let him know I'll give it to him…"
"SPEEDO DID NOT TAKE THIS KINDLY, HE COCKED HIS LASER GUN…"
"LOOK, it's MISTER SPOCK!" Ham exclaimed, pointing off to the side.
"SPEEDO ACTUALLY BOUGHT HAM'S DISTRACTION, AND AS HE LOOKED IN THE DIRECTION HAM WAS POINTING, HAM AND CHEWINKLE MADE THEIR DARING ESCAPE."
"AAARGGGAGGHHB!!" Chewinkle exclaimed, yanking out his crossbow.
"STATETROOPERS WERE NOW CLOSING IN ON OUR HEROES, BUT FORTUNATELY THEY COULDN'T HIT THE SIDE OF A BARN…"
(*PEW!*)
"AAAGH! ANYWAY, OUR HEROES ARRIVED AT THE TRICENTENNIAL MOOSE--"
"WHAT A PIECE OF JUNK!" Adobe hollered.
"HEY!" Ham retorted. "Now is NOT THE TIME FOR RIDICULE!"
"THE SHIP'S DOOR CLOSED, EVERYONE WAS INSIDE, HAM AND CHEWINKLE TOOK THE FRONT SEATS..."
(*car ignition sounds*)
"Okay, AND PUNCH IT, CHEWIE!" Ham exclaimed, Chewinkle slammed a button on the ship.
"AND SO OUR HEROES DRIFTED OFF THROUGH SPACE, CONTINUING THEIR EPIC QUEST…MAKE SURE TO BE WITH US NEXT TIME FOR "Later Vader", OR "Sith Happens"!"
