My Youth Romantic Comedy is a Catastrophe, as I Expected


Foreword: After what felt like a lifetime, we are back! Hello, everyone, Mayflower Productions here introducing the latest installment of Catastrophe. How long has it been since the last chapter... over two months... Ouch. Well, let's not talk about that but instead what today's update entails. I initially wanted to keep its scope small, but things happened and this became the longest chapter (as of now) of this story. Iconic characters make their grand debut, and we delve into some of our main character's deepest thoughts and fears. What does that imply? Read on to find out. I would like to thank everyone for giving my second story a chance and withstanding its erratic upload schedule. Hopefully, chapter 7 won't take as long. Now for the main feature, Catastrophe Chapter 6: The Pieces Fall Into Play.

Catastrophe- POV shift, line break "So you're her brother?"- Dialogue

Disclaimer: I do not own Joukamachi no Dandelion, Nekopara, Oregairu, or any other intellectual properties that may appear in this story. Please don't sue me.


Chapter 6: The Pieces Fall Into Play

"Classroom representative," I muttered to myself during math class. The teacher was going over some formulas, but my mind was elsewhere. Somehow Hiratsuka-sensei had forced a Student Council position on me without any prior notification. Sure, I wasn't here for the past month, but she could have sent my parents an email or something? There was a good chance that Mom would have forwarded it to Komachi, who then would send it to me. At that point, it would be a coin toss if I checked since I made it a routine to not look at my messages after some unfortunate events in middle school. ("Heh, heh, heh, I hope she texts me soon, but if she doesn't, I can wait all night.") *sigh* I was so pathetic back then... Now is not the time to complain about this scenario's semantics, let alone admonish my past. That's what my after-school monologues are for.

"So cosine is the ratio between..." I tuned back into reality, hoping that class would be over, but Sensei's lecture kept droning on and showed no signs of ending. You know, they don't use enough real-life examples in this class. I would understand what trigonometry was if it was put into Hachiman Terms, for example... This is where I say something clever, but nothing comes to mind right now. I guess this is why I don't do too well in this subject or the sciences... And to think I call myself a man of logic. Reality is too cruel.

Uh, I need a change of pace, "Oh, I see," glancing at my neighbor, I saw the twin-tailed Sakurada Akane, diligently studying. If it wasn't obvious before, we were clearly polar opposites. She was lively while I am, how do I put this, reserved. Yeah, let's go with that. And judging from her pitiful reaction to our last class ("Why does it have to be an essay?"), she didn't enjoy the humanities, while I had a gift for words, which many people underappreciated. Last year I averaged my year's highest score in Modern Japanese.

Catastrophe

[Flashback]

"Why did you call me Sensei; is there something wrong with what I wrote?"

"I don't get it, kid. You have all the technical aspects down, but your tone... *sigh* What was this paper's prompt, Hikigaya?"

"If I'm not mistaken, it was to recount a mundane childhood memory."

"So if that was the case, why does your essay sound like a Shakespearean tragedy! You played up your classmates as monsters and had an unusually pessimistic outlook for someone so young."

"Well, you see, those riajuu were disgusting liars who manipulated..."

"Get out, Hikigaya!... Hearing another one of your monologues will give me a headache."

[Flashback End]

Catastrophe

People unnecessarily criticize my talents, yet they wonder why I'm a loner? What hypocrites.

Ignoring my pointless boasting, the two of us had unlikely odds of crossing paths, Sakurada and I. Without that accident or some luck with homeroom placements, I would have never met her... *sigh* I wish I lived in that timeline...

Catas... No, we are not wasting any more time on pointless what-if scenarios! There are more pressing issues.

"And remember, students, there are two special triangles," when will this class end? I want to eat lunch and visit the [Best Place] already.

"A 30, 60, 90 triangle. I get it, and everything makes sense now..." My stomach churned while looking at Sakurada since we had a confusing relationship. And it's not romantic in any way! I simply knew that my Student Council tenure wouldn't be uneventful with her involved. She had an impeccable charisma that could overcome [Stealth Hikki] and make the masses aware of my existence. Case in point, walking into class this morning and meeting a million death glares. It's not my fault she follows me around, you know?.. Maybe I should look into riding my bicycle to school to avoid meeting her in the morning? All that method required was visiting my former home to reclaim my trusty steed... Hold on, am I actually a genius or something?

"Tick, tock!" The clock sounded in the background, ticking ever closer to my demise. Sure, lunch was approaching, but that was only a brief respite before the day's downward spiral.

First, there was physical education class and its despicable pairing up system. I already suffer enough as a loner, so why do I need more burdens? My social skills are, at best, floundering, and I've been frequently compared to a petty criminal with my looks. I'm sorry for having eyes rich in Omega-3... So this is what it means to be suffering from success. Sure I fret over it now, but I'll probably have some clever scheme to avoid humiliation when the time comes. After all, I've always been a quick thinker, which came in handy last year during the incident's fallout. If I lived through those times mostly unscathed (baring some trauma), the next class should be a breeze

Regardless of my double-edged traits, I had to tackle gym class before challenging the final boss, which was that horrifying Student Council meeting after school. How do I even prepare for that event? The last time I was involved in student government was back in middle school when I did odd jobs for classmates (read: had my kindness exploited by others). I changed for the better, but what if everyone else got tougher too? Even my 108 Loner Skills (set of abilities developed throughout my lonely childhood) have their limits. What if they added more entries to the SC National Dex? It would put me at a horrible disadvantage to become a loner master (Gotta Avoid Them All)... I'll admit, that wasn't my best work; the reference could have been...

Geez, this is the problem with math class; it's just impossible to focus!

Ok, how should I tackle this issue, especially when Sakurada Akane, and her cunning older sister, Kanade, could be there?

Catastrophe

"Ding, dong!" The bell sounded, signaling the end of class, and Sensei finally released us. It's finally over, hooray! No more math class!... Until tomorrow. So much for my enthusiasm.

My wavering mood aside, I now had to deal with another challenge, leaving the classroom quietly. This usually wasn't a problem with my 108 Loner Skills, especially Stealth Hikki; I would just activate them and walk out without an issue; however, as earlier mentioned, Sakurada Akane heavily decreased their effectiveness. With her around, my Loner Skills were virtually inconsequential. If I didn't exercise the utmost care, who knows what could happen; I might *gasp* have lunch with a girl. I cannot, in good faith, allow something so obscene to occur.

Catastrophe

And so, I stealthily blended into the sea of students leaving the classroom and made my way to the [Best Place] undetected. I checked my back multiple times on my journey, confirming that I wasn't being followed and the effort paid off. There was not a single person in sight behind the school, so I had the entire location to myself.

"Hooray~!" I quietly cheered as I fished through my belongings for my lunch. Maybe my recently hectic life full of catgirls and mysterious siblings was getting to me, but this moment of tranquility soothed my soul. I suppose I needed solitude like billboards needed empty platitudes plastered on them. In both cases, one without the other felt incomplete.

"Oh, there it is," I remarked after finding a plastic container buried deep within my bag. I gingerly removed the item, taking great care to not ruin its contents... Why was I acting so carefully? Well, you see, the Rom-com Gods smiled upon me today with their divine intervention. They must have realized that my many years of suffering deserved some just compensation, so... I don't know why I'm dragging this out more than necessary, but... A girl prepared a packaged lunch and gave it to me, and if that's not enough, she wasn't my sister! Can you believe that Hikigaya Hachiman, The King of Loners, a man whose adolescence went horribly wrong, has a secret admirer!...

Ahem. It looked like the seal on my [Dark Memories] had loosened and allowed a naive fool to temporarily escape. Please ignore any of his inane delusions. Now, where was I...

Moving past my childish glee at such a gesture, it was surprising that a girl offered me a gift since the last time something similar happened was in middle school... Before I continue, just know this story came from a distant friend, definitely not me.

During one homeroom early in the year, all the students were exchanging phone numbers with each other. You know, to share homework announcements, coordinate group projects, and the like. The event went off without issue, except for one anomaly. There was a boy, let's call him Hikitani-kun, to protect the source's confidentiality. Hikitani-kun was naive to youth's cruel nature and patiently waited for someone to talk to me, I mean him, and share contact information. Most around him refused to do so, but the teacher dictated that every student needed at least one contact in the class. Eventually, one girl sitting in front of him turned around and reluctantly sighed while offering her cell phone. Hikitani-kun gleefully accepted her offering and, later that day, promptly sent her an email, hoping for her response. Unfortunately for him, that girl didn't reply until the following morning, after he spent the entire night creepily staring at his phone.

What was the point of that story? I referenced my past... I mean, brought up my friend's tale to highlight the potentially deceptive intentions for seemingly kind actions like a free lunch or someone's phone number. It was important to never take things at face value and exercise skepticism toward benevolent offers.

"Growl~," however, when push comes to shove, a problem isn't a problem if no one considers it a problem. I had an immense hunger due to reluctantly skipping breakfast, and there was a boxed lunch in my grasp. It would be foolish to waste any more of my precious time thinking, burning calories I don't have to spare, as gym class was right around the corner. Sure, this lunch might be poisoned or something, but it's now or never! Who knows, I might be pleasantly surprised by its taste?

"So your camouflage skills are as impressive as I thought. Interesting," I heard a voice come from behind me. Please don't tell me it's Sakurada; I've had enough problems today. Lunch was supposed to be my brief respite from her, where I could recharge my Loner-Battery before afternoon classes. Don't tell me I have to relocate from my [Best Place]? Anything but that!

"If you've made it here, you must be a professional," I answered to meet this foreign presence with my mouth curled slightly upward. Wait, am I about to make a friend? Is this the rebirth for the League of Loners? We could complain about large crowds, and... Ok, I didn't spend much time thinking about this scenario after my unfortunate first day. There were more important matters like learning that catgirls were real and having a chance encounter, etc.

"Finally, a like-minded soul in this desolate wasteland of uninspired commoners." How... elegant of a response. The warning sirens blared in my head. I was flying straight into danger. I felt a similar feeling when I met my twin-tailed classmate. My high school life teetered on another wrong turn, but I didn't know what that entailed. It would be so easy to walk away, but... my body refused, not moving an inch.

"..." I made eye contact with the intruder and immediately regretted doing so.

"Heh," my gaze scanned an unsettling sight, a boy with long, gray hair, cleared dyed, an unathletic physique, black eyes brimming with vigor, all cloaked in a beige trench coat. Something about this person triggered a brief flashback of my past, "A man is wandering through the vast wasteland, descended from the great War God, master of many weapons, blessed with great foresight in his dark orbs. Who is he? A villain, a hero, a deity? He is all, but he is none. All that pass him learn only one thing, his name... 108 MAN!"...

*gag* I can't believe that I used to act so flamboyantly, wearing my father's robe, chanting delusional phrases to my bedroom mirror. Thankfully I no longer suffer from such an affliction and can see the world for what it is. However, why does this mysterious student make me recall those days? I don't refer to that point of my life as [Dark Memories] for no reason. They were meant to be sealed, never to be brought up again. Unless... No, it shouldn't be possible. Why is one of them reaching out to me?

"Don't tell me you are..." I spoke, my face paling in shock. If what I feared was true, Sakurada Akane would only be the least of my problems. My youth has been wrong so far; you could even call it a catastrophe, but not a cataclysm, until now...

"You've finally realized, Hikigaya Hachiman! My overwhelming aura must have paralyzed you in fear. However, your iron will pleasantly surprised me as you countered my special ability..." My sanity points were slowly chipping away. Who uses "aura" or "special ability" in conversational speech? I never had such a terminal case, spewing out my delusions in public.

How did I end up here? Escape was an option, but no, "fate," "destiny," or whatever you want to call it, railroaded my decisions, leaving only this undesirable outcome. The signs were all there, and I ignored them. No sane person would stumble upon the [Best Place]; I even said it moments ago, "If you've made it here, you must be a professional." Just as Stand users attract other Stand users, loners... were the same, meaning...

"Over many years, I have traveled through countless lands and met memorable faces, whether they be friend or foe, in my journey for power. However, you, the War God, were always my chiefest rival, and to think we would cross paths so soon..." I tuned out of his expansive backstory to preserve my waning composure. Each word he spoke was enough to loosen my grip on them, the vault holding my darkest days. Like a volcano, the restraints might erupt and awaken... This is why I can't stand people like him; his enthusiasm is enough to bring my affliction out of remission. If it wasn't for my immense self-awareness, I would be chanting alongside him.

"Stop. I'm not interested in your complicated backstory. Why are you here?" I sent him a withering stare.

"W-well, you see, I was informed by an oracle about a kindred spirit. They told me that you were often found with a scarlet-haired maiden..." Ok, I think I understand what he's saying. An "oracle" would imply a third party, while Sakurada would be the maiden... *sigh* It pains me how much delusional rambling I still understand.

"So who was your informant..." I trailed, not knowing his name. And here we go, the end of his grand introduction.

"I am the Blademaster General!" He exclaimed.

"And what would that mean?" I asked, maintaining an indifferent tone, my gaze ever sharp.

"Zaimokuza," he sighed. See, it wasn't too hard? You could do it, introduce yourself without the unnecessary ego.

"Get on with it already," I pressed, not looking to waste more of my time. This entire experience feels more like a bad dream than anything. A part of me hoped that once I blinked, Zamiokuza would disappear, and my quiet lunch would continue unabated.

"I heard you were in my gym class, and as a late arrival, you don't have a partner..." A distaste for riajuu, how reasonable. He must dislike them for their skepticism of his hobbies. After all, most people alienate what they don't understand.

"Wouldn't it be interesting? Two former rivals standing against the world? Combined, we would be unstoppable!" He grinned. On the surface, Zaimokuza's offer was simple, a partnership. We shared the same class, and as loners, we both had floundering social skills. He with his passion, while my issues are numerous, to say the least. Alone our days would be harsh with all the group exercises and team sports, but together, we wouldn't have to grovel to riajuu and could stay true to our ideals. I guess you could call it a League of Loners, get it because... I'll stop now.

"I will definitely regret saying this, but it will be an experience working with you, Zaimokuza..."

"Very well, Hikigaya Hachiman. I'll drop pretenses to affirm our bond." Why does he talk so indirectly? Explain what you're saying plainly, so I understand. I would rather shy away from more fanciful language... Not everyone is as shameless as you, you know~? Even I have my limits.

"I'm leaving," I tried speeding up the conversation along.

"Wait, don't walk away!... Now, where was I... A pleasure to meet you, my ally! I hope our relationship withstands the tests of time, not just between the Blademaster General and War God, but more importantly, as people. Zaimokuza Yoshiteru and Hikigaya Hachiman." Hold on, did he just?

"..." I stood speechless at the sight of my new gym partner. He introduced himself without any delusional saying or an expressive phrase but earnestly. It was like he cared about our relationship, but why? We only met by convenience, just two loners who crossed paths. If the breeze had blown differently, we would never meet. This relationship was doomed to fail, a flash in the pan. Despite all of that, Zaimokuza wore his heart on his sleeve. His actions don't make sense; he's walking into that same predictable trap. We have little in common, and my intentions are blatantly selfish, plain to see, yet...

"Heh," his wide smile brimmed with energy as he stared at me... Geez, this is all a mistake, but there aren't many other options. It was either Zaimokuza's way or the highway. Sure, there might be a way to deny his offer while having quiet gym classes: give half-hearted excuses, pretend to be sick, the list goes on and on, but they felt... wrong, for lack of a better term. This might be me indulging myself in those sweet-nothings about eventful high school life, where I had friends to hang out with and goals to work towards. Youth is a lie, one with predetermined victors and losers. I know that much. My naivety burned me once before, and Zaimokuza could be no different. That is all true... But what if I was wrong about this, and there is a place of mutual understanding? A point where all masks are removed, and people plainly talk to each other. You could call it an authentic relationship. The chance is most likely infinitesimally low, but not zero. Besides, I was never perfect (see: my middle school career), so I'm very familiar with failure. If anything, you could say I'm the strongest when it comes to losing...

"..." And so, on that complex note, I stifled a sigh and extended my hand outward. This is how you confirm relationships, right? I don't have much experience with this kind of thing... I guess that's the entire point of high school, learning new things and stepping outside of your comfort zone. In a way, my circumstances echoed that sentiment: moving into the Minazuki household, finding the twins, and meeting the Sakurada siblings, were all challenges I had to overcome before this moment. Situations, where I could sink, like my dead-fish eyes, would imply, or swim...

Why am I mulling over something so simple? All this introspection is a waste of brainpower. Friends, personal growth, who cares? What am I, a romantic? No, I'm Hikigaya Hachiman. And all I want is a quiet life.

"Ding, dong!" And there goes my free time. I'm sorry for taking you for granted. You never know how good something is until it's gone.

"Our first battle is..." Zaimokuza starts, intending to share the bad news, but stops as...

"So this is where you've been, Hikigaya-kun? I've been looking for you the entire break." Another variable enters the fray, and it's, of course...

"The scarlet-haired maiden!" My gym partner exclaimed as he rushed behind me. Flustered by women, I see? You disappoint me, Zaimokuza. Your coolness isn't supposed to be fleeting like a Final Smash. Don't make me lament agreeing to your deal. Five minutes haven't even passed since my acceptance.

"So, did you make a new friend, Hikigaya-kun?" She bounded closer to me before asking her question.

"No, we were just discussing our next class, physical education. You don't need to worthy about..."

"The Blademaster General," he whispered to me, hoping I would be his speaker.

"Zaimokuza Yoshiteru over here," I ignored his request and introduced him to Sakurada Akane.

"Why is he cowering behind you? Don't tell me he's afraid of me?"

"Well, you see..." I contemplated my words. Do I or do I not explain his affliction. It's not worth the effort to give a thorough explanation, so a summary should suffice, "Zaimokuza here suffers from Chuunibyou, or eighth-grade syndrome, where he indulges in frequent delusions. We're both loners, so that's why he latched onto me. Even though he's acting immaturely for someone his age..." I tried shaking him off, but he refused to budge. *sigh* I fear for your prospects in the workforce, Zaimokuza… Yet, it's not like mine is much brighter either. "In any case, you'll be seeing him occasionally."

"As we have a bond of steel!" The chuuni boasted. So now your bravado returned? Then why are you still avoiding eye contact with Sakurada? I know she's scary, but that is beside the point.

"Did someone say something rude about me?" Her face darkened into an ominous haze.

"Her flexibility is tremendous, Hachiman! How did you encounter someone so strong?" He quietly asked from behind my shoulder.

"I ask myself that same question every day, Zaimokuza..."

"Was it you, Hikigaya~kun?"

"My life is such a catastrophe." And to think my day still has farther to plummet.

Catastrophe

"I would like to thank you all for attending. Welcome to Soubu High's Student Council, and I'm the President..." With another day came more hurdles I had to leap. If lunch was the appetizer, this meeting was the main course. Where was I? Obviously sitting in the StuCo room in a chair near the door. Why was I so far away? I had no intentions of conversing with my peers or unintentionally standing out. What do you take me for some Shounen protagonist? Gym class was traumatic, and I did not want another helping of it after school. My life is not supposed to be this eventful! What happened to the days when I was a background character whose existence didn't matter to those around me? They look like a beautiful dream compared to my ongoing nightmare.

"Due to extenuating circumstances, we've had to delay this first meeting, but they were recently resolved, meaning..." The President continued speaking. My mind could barely register their words, not due to a lack of trying. Despite my best efforts, matters spiraled out of my control, leaving me in the hot seat.

"*stare*~," on my left was a boy, presumably a first year due to his tie color, with a lean build, black hair with a slight purple tinge, and glasses. Why did I include that last tidbit? From the angle he looked at me, his eyes appeared to be clouded behind the lenses. That is, the famous sunlight glare trick you see in media. I always wanted to try it, but I never thought I would see it in public, let alone in high school. This nameless male student spared no energy in concealing his seriousness as I almost choked on its strength. What about me could warrant such an attitude? I'm not that interesting of a person.

"*stare*~," ignoring him, on my right was another first-year, this time a girl with shoulder-length black hair and pale blue eyes, coldly glaring at me. Ok, her behavior wasn't too surprising, as my reputation with women has been... let's say rocky, at best. Maybe some of it was due to my naivety, but it didn't condone the widespread alienation I received after the incident... Hold on, why am I bringing up the past again? It's not like revisiting those events will change their outcome. Let bygones be bygones, and forgive but never forget. Those could have been the right combination of platitudes or not; the jury is still out on that decision.

"How troublesome," with these two immense pressures flanking me, it was impossible to relax. Hence, my failing attention span. Staying focused on the meeting for a few seconds drained my resolve. How is this event not over already?

"Now that all the pleasantries are addressed, I move to this year's schedule. First is..." The President kept talking, and it barely made sense to me. My lagging focus only led to me hearing snippets. However, trying harder would fry my brain. The stress crept into me, reigning control away from my conscience... *Yawn* so tired, I want to...

Catastrophe

"Thank you for attending, and we will meet again soon..." A distant voice roused me from my slumber. Once I returned from Dream Land, I met an emptying room with people around me leaving. So I slept through the entire Student Council meeting... I see. The shocking part was less my behavior but more their place in context. Hiratsuka-sensei was a no-nonsense teacher, and I neglected my homeroom duties. If she found out about this... ("You think you're a wise guy, huh, Hikigaya?" "*crack*!"), my life would effectively end tomorrow... I'm too young to die. Who would take care of Komachi or the twins if I was gone? What about Georgia Max Coffee or Pretty Cure; how would they survive without my patronage? I never got to perfect my signature either for when I released my autobiography and would scam people into buying my life story. The contents would be an unreadable mess, but it could sell. Did you know that any book could be a sensation with good enough illustrations? I learned that the hard way during middle school when... I'll save that story for another time.

"So Hikigaya-kun, was it? What do you think of the Student Council?" Interrupting my monologue was a soft voice behind me. I turned to see a girl with short, burnt-honey colored hair, styled in twin tails and a slight frame. At first glance, she reminded me of a sheltered ojou-san, but that description felt imprecise, almost like I was missing the whole picture... But my intuition has never been very reliable, so I ignored it. It's not like I'll be seeing her often anyway... Why did she know my name, though? I don't remember telling her earlier? Her voice also sounds familiar...

"It doesn't seem easy, that's for sure," I answered with a generic response to conceal my true feelings... Why am I in the Student Council? It's such a waste of time. I could be home relaxing by now.

"We all felt that way starting out, so don't fret too much about it." She replied with a small smile. Her enthusiasm for the Student Council brought me a momentary pause over my current behavior. One girl was dedicated to her position while I schemed ways out of mine and slept through an important meeting... Maybe I should take my job seriously and change my position on working (see: to work is to lose)? Today could be the first step of Hikigaya Hachiman's Path to Reformation: From Loner to Soubu's Best. It even sounds like a popular light novel title.

"If you ever need any help, you can turn to me for help, Hikigaya-kun~," on second thought, I like who I am and don't want to change. After all, if something's not broken, why fix it? What brought on my sudden change of heart, two words, Sakurada Kanade. While I was lost in my thoughts, she bounded over to me with her artificial cheer. *sigh* I almost forgot that she was here. There goes any hope of me becoming a productive member of society then.

"I don't think that will be necessary, Kanade-san," I respectfully replied, devoid of my usual snarky edge. I needed to keep up a persona while in school to pursue the quiet life I wanted. I had a hunch that my regular personality would cause more problems than it would solve. You're just a background character, just a background character, I quietly chanted.

"You already know Kana-chan, Hikigaya-kun?" The girl with short twin tails questioned me.

"I met Kanade-san yesterday while walking from school since we live nearby, and I'm classmates with her younger sister."

"So that means you know who I am, right?" She asked with a faint glimmer in her eyes. What's with the eagerness?.. Don't tell me that nagging feeling I felt earlier was true and that this girl was...

"No," I truthfully answered.

"Oh, I see. My explanation earlier must not have reached you. Where are my manners... Ahem. My name is Uzuki, and I am the Student Council President."

"... What?!" It took a few moments to digest her words. Did she call herself the Student Council President, or was that my imagination? If I'm not mistaken, that meant I unknowingly talked to the most important person here. Aoi-san wasn't crazy, and my name was spreading around the school... Why does reality have to be so cruel? And now I sound like a broken record. What a great day I'm having.

Catastrophe

"This can't be happening. The President knows who I am..." I sulked while walking out of the Student Council room. My life kept taking turns for the worst. I should have stayed in bed this morning...

"Let's walk home together, Hikigaya-kun," and beside me was the beaming face of my fellow representative, Sakurada Akane. She was oblivious to all of my internal turmoil. It must be nice being blissfully unaware of others' issues. No wonder dense protagonists were so popular. Alas, I can never become such a person with my incredible insight. It's a small price for salvation from riajuu propaganda... Ok, that's enough narcissism for one lifetime.

"I would love to, but I have some responsibilities to attend to," I replied, barely hiding my satisfaction with the situation. Sakurada couldn't bother me today, as I had an excuse, and this time, it was legitimate!

"Oh, what would that be?... You're definitely not lying to me, right, Hikigaya-kun?" Her yandere stalker mode returned as she doubted my plans.

"I have to pick up my missed assignments today from when I was absent," I explained.

"You were talking about that earlier, right?" Sakurada returned to her normal state with her next question... I dodged a bullet there. She would have torn me to shreds if I lied, especially once you factor in her abnormal strength.

"Yeah, so if you will excuse me," I started turning away from her... Come on, Hachiman, only a few more steps until salvation! You can do it, don't give up~!... Why am I not moving? What's going on?

"I'll just follow you, Hikigaya-kun," Sakurada pulled on my collar, stopping my escape. Wait, this isn't supposed to happen? All my projections had her taking my words at face value and leaving me alone. And when am I ever wrong? Hah, hah, hah...

"You don't need to do that. This will probably take a while. I wouldn't want to waste your precious time," I gave multiple excuses, hoping one would work. Please, Rom-com Gods, stop torturing me for once.

"That's fine. It's not like I had any plans after school," my twin-tailed classmate responded. Is there no other option? Am I doomed to be Sakurada's valet?

"Actually, Akane, you do have plans. Does food shopping with Kanade ring a bell?" And from left field, Shu-senpai threw me a lifeline. Thank you, Senpai; I don't know what I would do without you!

"But I want to walk with Hikigaya-kun..."

"No," my classmate tried pleading against her brother but was shot down.

"How could I forget about something so important? Tch..." not even Soubu's great Vice President could argue with Shu-senpai.

"Come on, Akane, Kanade, those groceries won't buy themselves."

"If you insist, nii-san."

"Bye, bye, Hikigaya-kun..." and the trio of siblings walked towards the school's main gate, moving further out of sight, until they disappeared. Now I was alone, just as it should be, and nothing could stop me...

"I guess it's time to get moving. Those papers won't collect themselves," I remarked to myself.

"So, Hikigaya-kun, do you know where the faculty office is? Do you need me to help you?" Surprisingly someone stood next to me, and it was Soubu's Queen, Sakurada Aoi-san. What was she doing here? Why did she not follow her siblings?

"T-that won't be necessary, Aoi-san. However, I would like to know why you were accompanying me?" I politely asked my upperclassman.

"Akane and the others can handle themselves, while you looked... vulnerable, for lack of a better term. Besides, what's wrong with getting to know one of my kouhai (Translator's Note: underclassman, younger student)?" Her kindness was overwhelming. Bright, too bright. It felt harsher than a Solar Flare, and she didn't even need to close her eyes. Sakurada's siblings really are horrifying. They made me look like a two-bit criminal in comparison.

"Nothing can ever go to plan, can it?" I miserably sighed, accepting my current fate.

Catastrophe

"Sensei, may I enter?" I asked while standing outside the door. One uncomfortable walk with Aoi-san later, we stood before the faculty office and waited to be allowed inside. I tried and failed to break the ice between us, but each attempt only led to more questions than answers, and I never spoke a word. This is why small talk has never been one of my specialties... Why does that line sound oddly familiar?

[In another universe]

"Achoo!" A student with lifeless eyes and messy black hair sneezes while sitting in his room. He looked out his dorm's window to see a picturesque landscape of modern buildings and a glittering bay, but it only brought him melancholy. In this sea of students, he felt alone, with no one able to understand him due to his personality and life circumstances.

"Fukou da," a short phrase exits his lips, teeming with apathy. Sure, no man is an island, but this male student gets very close.

[Back to our regularly scheduled program]

"Come in," Sensei's voice sounded from inside. Now given the go-ahead, I opened the door and walked inside with Aoi-san close behind me. Our entrance probably looked highly suspicious from a glance, a background character with the main heroine. Either I was her lackey or today was Opposite Day; those were the only viable explanations. The situation didn't make sense... It's not worth asking more questions. None of them will ever be answered. *sigh* I want to go home.

"So Hikigaya, here are your..." Hiratsuka-sensei wasted no time with me as she dumped the assignments in my hands. Not even a greeting, Sensei? How could you be so cruel? That hurts my feelings, you know~?... And here we have another of my favorite sayings.

"You take your job more seriously than I thought, Sensei," I commented, trying to ignore the person to my right. Sure, I have a tenuous relationship with my homeroom teacher, but I prefer it over the one I have with the eldest Sakurada sibling. At least, Sensei is honest with me, even if that meant some tough love... see, because she punched me... This will never be a trend, Hachiman.

"Of course I do, Hikigaya. I am a professional..." she plainly answered before making eye contact with me. Once she did, a teasing grin lined her face. Oh no, I don't like that look. It screamed nothing but trouble.

"I think I'll be leaving now. Have a nice day, Sensei," I quickly explained and rushed out of the room before she could humiliate me. My pride has taken numerous hits today and doesn't need more damage.

"Boo, you're no fun, Hikigaya..." I heard Sensei pout as I left. That's right, you can't hurt me now; I'm outside your skill's AOE. The almighty King of Loners is unstoppable... I need to stop hanging around Zaimokuza. His presence is corrupting my thoughts. My chuunibyou might relapse if I'm not careful, and it would ruin all my plans for quiet high school life.

"Where are we going, Hikigaya-kun?" Aoi-san questioned. Oh, I forgot about her since Sensei was the primary threat.

Now, what to do? I can't go home with the Queen following me, as it would be chaos...

Catastrophe

"May-chan, I can't believe it!"

"What is it, Cinnamon?"

"Hachi-chan has a girlfriend!"

"W-what?!"

"Are you serious, Mon-cina?"

"Of course, Azuki-chan. Why would I joke about this?"

"Does this mean I'll have another older sister?"

"Hachiman has a girlfriend?"

"New sister?"

Catastrophe

My home and school lives colliding would be a disaster, something to avoid at all costs. I couldn't necessarily ditch Aoi-san either, as someone might be watching on the street and potentially spread gossip about me. And there are a few things I hate more than adolescence, but asinine rumors are one of them. They sow distrust within students and are hard to disprove once they form... Thanks to them, I became the pariah in middle school, the butt of every joke, and was constantly harassed. My faith in friendship shattered during that time, as no one defended me, and I was left to hang dry. What was the point in opening up to others if they only proceeded to stab you in the back? Hence my wariness towards any benevolent individuals: my gym partner, twin-tailed classmate, and her many siblings, all included. It was only a matter of time before they revealed their nefarious intentions, making my skepticism vital...

"Hikigaya-kun?" Aoi-san's voice drew me from a cynical monologue as we stood outside Soubu's front gate. Wow, I got lost in my thoughts there. Middle school really did leave a scar on me, if it still bothered me after all these months... Just thinking about that Nice Girl's face is enough to make my blood boil... Grr... But I'll control myself; no one needs to know about it.

"Oh, sorry about that, I was busy thinking. As for your question, we can go to the Mr. Donut down the street." I made a safe suggestion, feebly expecting it to distract Senpai long enough for me to collect myself.

"Hmm, that sounds like a good idea, Hikigaya-kun," she accepted. With her approval, we started for the popular cafe... Wait, couldn't this technically count as a date? No, I'm only doing this to kill time and bore Aoi-san. Once she realizes how uninteresting I am, she will leave me alone, and my plans will return on track. Bland personality, don't let me down!

Catastrophe

"So Hikigaya-kun, what do you think of Akane?" Why does it have to be small talk? This situation is killing me.

Small talk is defined as a polite conversation about unimportant topics, especially in social settings. Common examples include, "What wonderful weather we're having," "How have you been," and my least favorite, "What do you think of (Insert name here)," since it raises uncomfortable questions for the subject. People engage in small talk everywhere: whether on public transportation, in business establishments, schools, or in exotic locales. Those proficient with the skill rank higher on the social hierarchy, having the makings of a charismatic speaker. One who draws others (read: introverts, those on the periphery of social circles) into their orbit, just like the sun with the solar system. Similarly, those who flounder with small talk are sent to the bottom rung of society.

"She's... a classmate," if it wasn't obvious before, I stood in the second category. My social skills were very unreliable. I could talk to myself, I mean monologue, without issue. If there was an internal monologue tournament, I could be the champion. That's how confident I was in myself. However, that was the difference between riajuu and loners; the latter didn't bother striving for more. I would prefer to pass my days reading until graduation (see: "a problem isn't a problem."). My brain short-circuits when expected to converse with others, hence the lukewarm responses. It's one of the few strengths I admit the popular have, navigating the complicated maze of interpersonal relationships. But it's not like I want to be like them or anything. That would be character assassination. I cherish my title as the King of Loners.

"What about Kanade?" Another curveball, huh? You sure are ruthless, Aoi-san.

"A decent Senpai..." my second answer was just as vague. Trying to articulate my feelings about Sakurada Kanade was complicated. Mere sentences could not accurately capture everything, and not even a 1000-page book would suffice to scratch the surface of my relationship with her. The world might lack the paper for such an endeavor. However, as futile as it may be to simplify the matter, she terrifies me. I had the sneaking suspicion she could make me her pawn in a game far beyond my understanding. That was why I strove to avoid her at all costs, even if it meant associating more with her younger sister.

"Well, if it isn't Aoi-chan. To think we would reunite so soon?" a curious female voice rang behind us... *sigh* Who could it be this time?

"Is this someone you know, Aoi-san," I questioned my Senpai as we stopped walking to meet the mysterious person. She was a third-year, so this could have been one of her former upperclassmen. Soubu did have a decorated history of alumni. One woman hosted the Cultural Festival twice, and she was the heiress of a local conglomerate. I wonder what she could be up to right now?

"Unfortunately," a slight frown played upon Aoi-san's cheerful features as she confronted the woman. This mysterious lady had shoulder-length black hair not too dissimilar to Kanade-san, an impressive figure, and an inviting smile. Yet just like Sakurada's older sister, it felt empty more than anything, a shallow veneer of an expression. She might even be more artificial than Kanade-san. How could that even be possible?

"Oh, what's this. Am I interrupting something? Are you on a date perhaps, Aoi-chan?" The nameless ravenette tried teasing Aoi-san with a playful attitude, but...

"..." Senpai remained unmoved, her face still arched downward. It almost felt like sparks were flying between the two women, and I was hopelessly caught between them. Maybe this is my chance to escape? One of my sayings was, "When the going gets tough, give up," and I had the perfect opportunity to apply it.

"You two look busy, so..." I murmured while slowly inching away from the flashpoint. I knew when to pick my battles, and this was not one of them.

"Stay awhile, Hikigaya-kun," Aoi-san turned to me with a smile, but it looked different than usual. It was devoid of warmth and only felt bitterly cold... *sigh* So much for my motto. I liked that one too.

"Hikigaya, Hikigaya, why does that sound so familiar?" The black-haired woman started thinking about my name once Senpai spoke. Don't tell me we're connected. I have enough problems to deal with, and I don't need another mysterious beauty on top of them.

If I couldn't escape, I may as well learn more about the situation between these two women. "Senpai, who is this lady?" I quietly asked.

Aoi-san momentarily broke her cold stare at the woman to reply, "Oh, you must not know, Hikigaya-kun. Basically, that person over there is..." she couldn't finish her statement as...

"Let me spare you the trouble, Aoi-chan. It's the least I can do as your dependable Senpai," so I was right, and she was a Soubu alumnus. Ok, that answers one of my questions, but not the other; her name, "Pay close attention, Hikigaya-kun, was it?" she paused, seeking clarification from me. Who is this woman, a high-society ojou-san? None of my peers ever ask about my name. They usually butcher it as "Hikitani," never bothering to correct it (ignoring his earlier actions).

"Y-yes, you pronounced it correctly," I replied, slightly nervous about speaking to someone so seemingly important.

"So Hikigaya-kun, listen well, as my name might ring a bell. I am the gorgeous Onee-san, one whose beauty is unmatched..."

"Get on with it already," Aoi-san interrupted, not keen on hearing more narcissistic statements.

"Boo, you're no fun, Aoi-chan... Regardless, Hikgaya-kun, I am Yukinoshita Haruno, and you should commit that fact to memory," she concluded by grinning like a Chesire cat.

"... Wait, what?!" I exclaimed. First, Zaimokuza, then Uzuki-senpai, and now Yukinoshita Haruno; how many unsettling introductions will I have today?...

Following precedent, only one saying was fit for a moment like this. It was simple yet accurately summarized the situation. I don't know where it came from or when I started using it, but... Whatever works, works, I guess...

"My life is such a catastrophe."

Catastrophe


Author's Note: And we end on another cliffhanger. How do Sakurada Aoi and Yukinoshita Haruno know each other, were they rivals, friends, or something else entirely. And how will Hikigaya worm his way out of their mess of a relationship? Your guess is as good as mine. So what did you think of the chapter? Leave your thoughts in a comment, and share the story with everyone you know. Now with all the pleasantries dealt with I can dive into my thoughts on chapter 6, I always planned the King of Loners meeting the Blademaster General, but the circumstances were slightly different in earlier iterations. Zaimokuza was more of a recurring stalker that Hikigaya had to confront, but that was before I added Dandelion to Catastrophe, so major changes were in order. I hope I accurately captured 8man's inner turmoil when interacting with those around him. Despite his often aloof and cool persona in canon, this story takes place a year earlier, meaning his middle school troubles are fresher in his mind. He resides in this uncanny valley between self-consciousness and aloofness, but I could be tackling the issue all wrong. That's why I depend on comments to guide my writing. Catastrophe is equal parts reader and writer input, or at least I perceive it as so. If you want to see more of me check out Infinite Loner or Endless Memory, my two other stories which also star Hikigaya Hachiman in different scenarios, whether they be fighting in high-tech exoskeletons, or a love story on a timeless island. I've been Mayflower Productions, thank you for reading Catastrophe, and until next time, I'll catch you on the flipside.


Preview:

"*sigh* Why does today have to be food shopping? I wanted to hang out with Hikigaya-kun."

"Sorry, Akane, that's just how the schedule lined up."

"Now I have to deal with all these cameras... Life is so unfair."

"Complaining won't do you any good, Akane. You need to take any result with stride."

"Don't tell me you're not upset too, Kana-chan? We're forced into going through the same everyday routine when someone more interesting is out there. If we're not careful, Hikigaya-kun might slip out of our grasp."

"Well, well, if it isn't Aoi-chan? To think we would reunite so soon."

"Wait, you two, doesn't a person up ahead look familiar? I know that blue hair from anywhere."

"It's Nee-san!"

"More importantly what is she doing with Hikigaya-kun? They can't be on a date?"

"Oh, what are you all talking about... Wow, nee-san with a boy, now that sounds interesting."

"Misaki, Haruka, what are you two doing here?"

"I guess my prediction wasn't that off. We crossed paths with nii-san and the others after school."

"Misaki-chan, Haruka-kun, do you know these people?"

"Oh, this is a good opportunity. Everyone, this is Komachi, my friend from school. Komachi, these are my older siblings."

"Akane."

"Shu."

"Kanade."

"I see, so Misaki-chan was right and you are a lively family... Way more impressive, than my gomi-chan."

"Next time on Catastrophe- Chapter 7: His Beginning Ends."

"Hold on, that tuft of hair is unmistakable. It can't be him though, why would that NEET consensually associate with a girl. What happened to you, onii-chan? Did your youth end eventfully, as you expected? That has to be worth tons of points!"

"Hmm, Komachi-chan, looks familiar, almost like Hikigaya-kun... Are they related?"


Chapter End