Owl Takes Crescent Moon

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...responses...

...III...

It's amazing how the 'little things' in life can build up to something amazing...

Many know George Washington, but no one remembers the extra helping of wine his parents had the night he was conceived that without which would've lead to them giving birth to simple 'Margret' Washington the chambermaid instead...

Or the crow flying over the head of the young, half asleep Orville Wright that for want of...there would be no glimmer of inspiration when remembered YEARS later that would eventually lead to the worlds first functioning airplane...rather then a slightly better version of a lumber-mill...

And of course...everyone talks about Stan Pines, Mr. Mystery and his crazy Mystery Shack...but few talk about the ticket that if never misplaced...would've kept him a lonely bachelor...

...

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Edalyn Clawthorne(Eda for short) hissed to herself a she searched the back alley of the 'love motel' where her newly wed husband Stan was sleeping off his hangover...so it was time to ditch him...

She'd just succeed in robbing him of all his stuff and life savings, her portal was ready to go...but at the last moment she'd lost her ticket to the yearly Boiling Isle Hexes Hold'em tournament! That cost her fifty snails! No way she was losing it!

She last remembered having it when taking out the trash an hour ago so here she was...digging through garbage...

SPLASH!

"Get a job owl lady!" Shouted a drunk punk as he drove by and threw a smoothie a the 'crazy lady' holding an owl scepter and rummaging through trash.

ZAP!

One zap from her staff immediately set the car ablaze...but Edda still grumbled as she was drenched in pineapple tart...

Hating the smell, and stickyness...she gave the ticket up for loss and went back to Stan's room to take a quick shower before leaving...

While doing so...she happened upon the bloody tire iron Stan had used to beat the crap out of some jerks who were trying to mug her(well, that was the story she'd told him afterwards...no way was she going to tell him they were yakuza she'd ripped off)...and Edda can't help but feel nostalgic...

That was when she'd first meet him...had it only been this morning? He just...came in and beat the crap out of five guys...true, she'd been just about to set them on fire...but he'd had no way of knowing that! He'd risked life and limb to save her! She hadn't met anyone willing to do that for her since...

She sighs... "Screw it, I'm cold, tired, sticky, smell like a Carmel apple, down a ticket worth fifty snails, it's too late to buy another so the tournament is a bust, he's a demon in the sack..." She shrugs. "Eh, I'll stay with him for another week and just head home after I rob his REAL house..." She says dismissively as she goes to get a shower...

Little did she know that that 'week'...would eventually grow into 25 years...

...25 years later...

Mable and Dipper Pines didn't know what to expect as they got off the bus and took their first step to Gravity Falls-

BOOM!

-but a giant monster worm bursting out of the ground beneath them, wasn't it!

They scream as it swallows them whole, their forcibly sucked down the esophagus...

PLOP!

And then they find themselves on the ground...in a living room!?

"SURPRISE! How's that for a welcome!?" Shouts Stan as Edda laughs. The twins couldn't answer...they were too busy hyperventilating and keeping their hearts from breaking out of their chests...

...

"So your married to a witch?" Asks Dipper to his Gruncle Stan and 'Graunty' Eda.

"Yep." Stated Stan happily. "Okay...I got several bajilion questions..." Says Dipper slowly-

"Get in line!" Shouts Mable as she pushes him aside to get to Eda. "Can I have your owl?! Can I have a wand!? Is Hogwarts real and can I get there? I want some British wizard cuties!"

"Well in order: No, this owl is mine. Wands are so last century. What in the Titan are you talking about? And sweetie, your coming off desperate. Make the boys work for it."

...

Aside from a happy marriage, Edda and Stan had a very lucrative business plan together. Edda would bring junk from the boiling aisle for Stan to use as props in the Shack. While Stan would have his handyman Soos fix up Human garbage that Edda can sell to the boiling aisle. They split the profits 40/60.

"40/60? Shouldn't it be 50/50?" Asked Dipper confused.

"It was, then I had Stan give me an extra 10% in exchange for him being allowed to ravish me whenever he wanted, however he wanted." Explained Edda with a smirk.

"No regrets, best deal I ever made." Said a smug Stan.

Dipper and Mable promptly vomited...

"Hey, you asked." Said Edda with a shrug.

...

After they'd settled down...they got to know the other inhabitants of the Shack...

...

Soos Ramirez was a lovable- if a bit odd at times -handyman who worked at the Shack...it was practically his second home...

So naturally they were surprised to see him getting a kiss from a VERY cute girl named Melody.

They learn that he meet her last year during Stan's yearly 'road trip of revenge'. His cousin Reggie had decided to marry his fiance a year earlier due to unfortunate snoozer incident which lead to Soo's Abuelita asking him to find a date...

During the road trip Stan gave him advice to be more confident and talk with as many girls as possible to help him with his social skills-

Mable interrupts and angrily berates Soos for being a two-timer and Stan for giving such bad advice...only to be DUMBSTRUCK when EDDA of all people came to their defense!

"Okay, first of all sweetie you literally went around flirting with SEVERAL guys today. So you don't really have a leg to stand on here. Second-

She continues explaining that somehow all the girls Soos talked to- except Melody, she was just having a good time with him at Mystery Mountain -got into their heads that Soos wanted MORE then friendship despite him giving no indication of such. It wouldn't have mattered... except that through some crazy contrived circumstances they all ending up at Mystery Mountain at the same time as Soos was meeting with Melody and they all started calling him a cheater and a horrible person.

Fortunately, Edda was there to defend Soos and yell some sense into them.

To begin with; Soos did nothing but follow the advice that was given to him to the letter.

Second; the advice he gave him was not bad. Quite the opposite, it was excellent, he was a person lacking experience in social interaction. Talking to several people at the same time was an excellent way to practice his non-existent social skills. So that when he wanted to have something more serious, he could know how to get it.

And no, the fact that Stan gave him that advice does not make it bad advice. The fact that it is treated as bad, just because Stan was the one who gave it is a terrible fallacy.

Third; girls reaction was ridiculous. They are girls- No, TOURISTS -who are on a road trip, who spoke with a guy they just met. They found it adorable, they gave them their phone number and/or email to keep in touch, because surely they would not see each other again in person...and then they ostracize him just because he talked to another girl?

Edda dope slapped Mable with her staff when she answered 'naturally'.

Edda points out that all of them- at most -spoke to him for only a few minutes with him, yet acted as if he promised them heaven, but then left them all pregnant and bankrupt. They treated what Soos did as a terrible abuse, when it was not even a simple mistake.

Seriously, what was up with that? Did they think giving a number to a boy is some kind of sacred marriage vow or something?

A angry glare from Edda stops Mable's resounding 'yes' from leaving her mouth...

Edda apologizes for her anger, but that whole trip got her dander up...especially when some floozie of a spider lady tried to eat Stan AND tried to justify it as 'punishment' for his 'cheap tricks' of flirting with her-

Edda has to pause to spank Mable for interrupting her to yell at Stan for cheating on his wife. Edda firmly tells her to not jump to conclusions and wait to hear BOTH sides of the story...and get her prioritize in straight. Seriously, she'd just been told her Grunkle had nearly been eaten and THAT was what she'd focused on?...what the heck Mable?!

In any case she explains that had Mable let her finish, she'd have explained how Stan was flirting with her PERMISSION in order to distract Darlene long enough while Edda dose the prank on the attraction...where she discovered Darlene's lair had hundreds and hundreds of men devoured by the spider lady.

Needless to say...Edda just blew the entire mountain to bits after that...she was still in a bad mood when they came home and found the owners of the other attractions trapped in Edda's defenses...Edda was still SO pissed that she cast a curse on them that utterly destroyed all the other attractions...

Long story short...this years 'road trip of revenge' was canceled...Oh, and Soos was in a loving relationship with Melody of course...

...

And then they meet King...

"BOW BEFORE ME SLAVES!"

Shouted the diminutive, furry dog-thing on top of a pile of stuffed animals.

"KIWAII! YOUR Adorable!"

Shouts Mable as she grabs King and hugs him. "No! I'm not adorable! I'm a viscous, warrior, demon king!" Shouts King.

"King of my heart you mean!" Shouts Mable as she scratches behind his ear.

"NO! THAT- Oh...oh, yeah...little more...little more..." Purred King as he enjoyed the scratches...

Dipper just stared at this blankly. "Uh...what?"

"Don't ask." Said Stan.

...

And of course can't forget everyone's favorite House Demon...A wooden naked red-head named Mary?

"GAH! Dipper, cover your eyes!" Shouts Mable as a flustered Dipper did just that.

Indeed, embedded int he heart of Shack was a naked lady seemingly made of wood and roots that flowed throughout eh shack.

"Oh, relax sweetie...He can look...i don't bite...MUCH..." Said Mary in a flirty way, that made BOTH twins fluster...

"Yeah, Mary here was in a bad state after a car wreck brought her to our door...her daughter Wendy dragged her broken, bloody body to us...she was barely holding on...Edda did the best she could...but this was the only way to save her..." Said Stan with a sad sigh...right before he set up some 50$ Demon House lady 'Memorabilia'.

"Wow..." Said Dipper amazed. then something he said clicked. "Wait, daughter?"

"Oh, yes. My daughter Wendy. She became Edda's apprentice to learn away for me to break free of my servitude without dying. Actually, where is Wendy Edda?"

Edda shrugged, "I sent her to get me some primo Blood Apples. But that was hours ago...where could she-

ZAP!

Edda's portal appeared in the middle of the room, a burst of fire came form it and out toppled Wendy...

Wendy groaned, "Edda your directions suck, I got attacked by FIFTY wart bandits! Fifty!"

Edda just sighed, "Alright, fine I won't take the loss out of your clothes budget- she grins evilly -and good thing too", she points wickedly.

Wendy groaned as she knew before she looked, that her clothes had been destroyed...AGAIN.

And then she realized her mom was laughing...

"Mom? What are you-

"Oh, sweetie! So bold! AT least let him buy you dinner first!"

And then Wendy realized why the ground felt so bumpy...her but was firmly planted on her master's nephews face...with his nose firmly entangled in her 'bush'...

'Did I just become a man?' thinks Dipper before blacking out...

...

"Wait, wasn't there someone else? Don't you have another demon thing for the shack you have on the isle?"

"Yeah, his name is Hooty, but who cares?"

...

In any case the twins excitedly began their lives in the Mystery Shack. Sure there were less the glamorous jobs, like helping their Graunty Eda take human junk to be sold at the boiling isle. Naturally Dipper wanted to go there, but Edda said she was making preparations for that and to just be patient.

In any case, working at the shack was a bit of a delight- as they got to work around such kooky magic artifacts/attractions!

Enigma Door: a door that disorients and confuses all that walks through(Dipper suspects this might just be a gas leak Stan is too cheap to fix)

Letters of Torture: dare you read the most agonizing letters in existence? 100$ a head! If you read the whole thing, DOUBLE YOUR catsMONEY BACK notGUARANTEED!(basically the were magic letters that showed the viewer their PARENTS sexual exploits!...needless to say, NO ON won it...)

Canopic Jar of Repelling: Feast your eyes on the organs of the great Pharaoh SamunMaxx!

Inscriptions of Paralysis: beware! All who gaze upon it shall never move again!(well...at least not for the next hour)

Pandemonium Fruit: Pay 500 bucks to watch these cute critters eat...AND BATTLE IT TO THE DEATH!(essentially, the weird fruit gave small animals vicious tempers and crazy strength).

Serenity Chalice: Have trouble sleeping? For absolutely free- with purchase of 600$ worth of merchandise -a drink from this bad boy will put you out like a light!(pretty self-explanatory)

Blight Grimoire: (...Stan actually didn't know what this was, he 'acquired' it from a mansion in the dark...and had never managed to get it open.)

Skull of Agony: Feast your ears on the skull that will never stop screaming! Earplugs cost extra!(this flaming skull never stopped screaming in agony...Edda kept it locked in a sound-proof room that tourists can pay to get in.)

These were but some of the many attractions that dozens of tourists flocked to everyday...

But that wasn't the only thing's flocking to the Shack...

"Were here for our 'appointment'." Said some very well dressed and scary men and woman, all carrying some VERY large briefcases.

Stan winched as Edda gave him a withering glare, but nevertheless nodded and allowed them into the backroom...

Dipper watched as they left and turned to his grunkle puzzled, "If I didn't know better I would swear I've seen the line-up of 'globe's most wanted' walk through here this week alone..." Said Dipper out-loud.

Stan sighed, "Yeah...that's because they did."

Dipper and Mable were shocked to learn that some of the most feared gangs in the WORLD- Los Muertos, The Volk, the Shai-Gen Corporation, Los Carnales, The Vice Kings, The Westside Rollerz, The Sons of Samedi, The Brotherhood, The Ronin, The Syndicate, even the Columbians! Just to name a few -regularly traveled to the boiling isle through the Shack!

"I'm sorry...WHY are we allowing these psychotic criminals to go to the magical dimension?" asked Dipper confused.

Edda snorted, "Ask your DEAR Grunckle." She says annoyed.

Stan rolled his eyes but remained resolute, "See kids, the boiling isle is being ruled by a tyrannical despot who's constantly sicking his goons on your graunty-

"I was handling the situation just fine on my own!" Interrupted Edda flatly.

Stan sighed, "Sweetie we've been over this, I'd be lying if the whole 'make your money and dash when the cops come looking' ain't a strategy I've employed multiple times-

"WHY in the world did our parents entrust our safety and guardianship to you?" Interrupted Dipper baffled.

Stan shrugged, "You got me. But never mind that now- he turns back to Edda -the point is it only works for so long, eventually the cops get wise to your tricks and that's when you need to book it to the next state!"

Edda snorts, "Okay first off: 'get wise'?. I'm sorry, have you meet the boiling Isle guards? The only reason I put them as 'smarter then Blubs and Durland', is because at least they can handle a weapon without shooting themselves! And even then they can't hit the broadside of a barn!"

"Okay the rank and file are chumps, but you gotta admit some of Belos's elite-

"They're all too busy with things way more important then one rouge, wild witch!" Said Edda dismissively, "And before you say anything, I KNOW how to handle Lilith. So she doesn't count."

Stan sighed, "Look, I might not know much. But I DO know jerks-

"Takes one to know one?" Teases King.

"Nice." said Mable, giving him a high-five.

Stan glares, but continues, "Look, the point is, I KNOW people like Belos. They don't stop until they got what they want and Bunyan have mercy on anyone that gets in there way!" He pinches the bridge of his nose, "Edda, look. I admit you've been crazy lucky when it comes to not getting caught. But take it from a guy who was born with ZERO luck...luck don't mean squat and even when it dose, it NEVER lasts..."

Edda isn't impressed, "Uh-huh...and where dose you burning down the ENTIRE isle come into this?" She states flatly.

"WHAT?!" Exclaims the twins.

"I told you, that was an accident!" He quickly turns to the kids, "Okay look, here's what happened. After those jerks from the emperor's coven tried to attack your graunt AGAIN, I decided to teach them a lesson and snuck into their food wagon to pour laxatives all over it..." He then scratches the back of his head awkwardly, "Which as it turns out, apparently becomes highly flammable when exposed to boiling isle ZEUScucumbers, who knew?" Cringing under his nieces and nephews shocked looks, he continues. "So anyway, my attempts to put the fire out were...LESS then successful-

"He crashed the flaming wagon into the nearby coven armory, the resulting explosion completely burnt down the town AND surrounding areas." Stated Edda flatly. "And that was only the FIRST time he burnt almost the whole isle down." She then ticks off her fingers. "And let's not forget allowing all those criminals access to the isle, the flood- "Well how was I to know flushing a cherry bomb down the coven's PR department toilet would give the sewage system 'indigestion'?!" -the plague- "Oh, yeah. Like I could've predicted that putting EXTRA strength hot sauce on the local Coven lieutenants burrito would get him sick and cause a pandemic of magma vomit?" -And who can forget you crashing the MOON into the isle?" Hey! That was not on me! That was Rick's fault!"

Mable groaned, "Well, I guess I can see where Dipper gets it from now at least."

Wendy- who had been tunning out the VERY familiar argument up until then -suddenly turns to her in sudden interest. "How do you mean?"

"Nothing! Shut up, Mable!" Dipper grumbles that last bit.

"Oh, no. Buddy! If my secret shames are being brought up and exploited, so dose yours!" Said Stan suddenly, eager to change the subject.

"Okay, so a girl once put gum in my hair and Dipper had the brilliant idea to fill her ENTIRE house with Gum!" said Mable exasperated.

"No, no! It was only supposed to be ONE thing of gum shoot into her hair! But the gum gun I built went and got jammed...with it's own gum..." he grumbles as several people snicker.

Dipper gets flustered, "Look, were getting off topic here! Where do the earth criminals come into this?"

Stan rolled his eyes, "Okay, I admit I might've overreacted a bit. But TECHNICALLY it was Edda's fault-

"Excuse me?" She asks darkly.

"Hey, your the one that let yourself arrested by the 'idiot' coven guards."

"It was a SCAM! I let myself be caught as part of a con! A con that WOULD'VE raked me a million snails if you had just cooled it!"

"Well I know that NOW! You literally didn't give me any warning! First time I heard about you being captured was those smug coven heralds! Why wouldn't I assume the worst?!"

"I left a note with Hooty to give to you!"

Stan gives her a blank look, "And that was a good idea, because..." He trailed off.

Edda groaned, "Okay, FINE. MAYBE I could've thought that part through a bit more...but that still doesn't make how you reacted any less insane!"

Stan sighed as he turned once more to the twins, "Okay, so when I heard your Graunt was in jail. Yes, I did freak out and reach out to some of my criminal contacts-

"Criminal contacts?" Asked a Ronin grunt as he walked by, "Who you trying to fool? You owed money to every big crime syndicate. All you had to do was openly leak your whereabouts to get us all running to kill you."

"Okay. Either buy something or get out!" Snapped Stan. The Ronin shrugs and dose just that.

"Annnyway, long story short: in exchange for getting their help to bust out Edda- AND clearing my debts -I gave them Edda's portal door to reverse engineer and all the info I had on all the isle's most valuable real estate: Banks, museums, jails full of potential magic recruits, libraries full of mystic tomes, markets full of magic items, factories full of crazy magic-tech, armories full of crazy magic WEAPONS, etc..."

"Which lead to the isle being torn apart and plundered in a Twelve way gang-war!" Said Edda annoyed. "Entire swaths of the isle are now either warzones and ghetto's!"

"Wait, if they have their own portals... Then why are they using yours?" Asked Dipper while Mable just gapes in horror.

"Our portal is 'neutral territory', so the gangs can use it to settle any disputes they have with one another in regards to the isle... well that and our portal being 'off the books' let's some of the less 'scrupulous' of the gangs to pay us for private shore leave on the isle...be it for relaxation or making back-alley deals they don't want their boss knowing about...for the right price, of course." Said Stan with a smirk.

Edda chuckled, "Okay, credit where credit is due. That was one of your better money-making scheme..." She frowns again, "But that still doesn't excuse the fact that you've basically turned my home into a cesspit of assholes peddling prostitutes, drugs, and randomly blowing shit up!"

Stan sighed, then turns to the twins. "Okay kids, this...might be awhile. Go into the woods and set up some signs, okay?..."

...

Wanting to not be their as they argued, the twins obeyed without question...and to their surprise...Wendy also came along...

Wendy convinced Mable to go along her own way, leaving her alone with Dipper...

She tried to make small talk with him...but her mind was deeply conflicted...

...She didn't WANT to do this...but with the Emperor's Coven becoming more aggressive...and her mothers increased teasing...it was better to just rip this dang bandage off and be DONE with it...

She allows Dipper to separate and set up signs by himself as she mentally prepares herself...

Dipper suddenly runs back into the clearing, excited. "Hey Wendy! Check this out! I found this crazy journal-

"That's great Dipper, but could we talk for a moment?" Interrupted Wendy as she sat on a log and motioned Dipper to join her.

Although confused by this sudden change in tone, Dipper obliged.

Wendy sighed, "Look Dipper, under different circumstances I'd go with a 'go with the flow' kind of attitude and wait for you to bring this up -if ever- but I just don't have the luxury for that right now..."

"What are you saying?" Asked Dipper confused.

Wendy groans but steels herself, "Look, bottom line: I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

Dipper looked at her both startled and flustered, "wha- what!? What relationship!? Who- Who said anything about a relationship! Have you been talking to Mable!? SHE LIES!"

"Dude, no offense but your terrible at keeping secrets...you mumble about me nearby whenever you think I'm not listening..."

'Well, that and my mom's been harvesting your dreams and showing me your sexual fantasies...but there's no way in the 9 hell's I'm telling Dipper that.' Thinks a flustered Wendy.

She was so sick of her mother constantly trying to get her to live a 'normal' life...to just FORGET her and move on...Like hell she was forgetting her mother!

No, even if she'd been able to overlook the age difference. Her mother being restored back to human took precedence over all else and she just doesn't have any time for that kind of distraction...

THWIP!

Speaking of distractions...

'Dang it, I let my guard down...' Thinks Wendy as her body is riddled with tribal wart darts that makes her vision go to black...

...

Zpv pxf nf pof Qjof Usff! Pof dibodf up tujdl zpvs Qjof Offemf jotjef Jdf Cbh dpnjoh vq! Tbz ij up Ujoz Optf gps nf!

...III...

TO BE CONTINUED?

AN: This idea was given by shadowwriter329, give their stories a look!

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!

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