Chapter 1 – A Perfect Day
The sun was shining brightly through the curtains when Shrek awoke next to Donkey. He gently climbed out of bed, careful not to wake his boyfriend and soon to be fiancée, assuming the day goes as Shrek had planned. After swiftly getting ready, Shrek was ready to head out and look for the perfect engagement ring. The door to his house swung open and Shrek stepped out into the swamp. Nothing could ruin his perfect day. Well, except for the short little bastard currently standing in his front yard.
"Farquaad! What the hell do you think you're doing in my swamp!" Shrek yelled.
Farquaad flinched back and hesitated as he struggled to come up with an excuse. "Ah, well, you see, my uh, wife has been having an affair, and uh, I was wondering if you knew anything about that?"
The small man seemed oddly accusatory in the presence of someone who could tear him in half at a moment's notice. Especially since they both knew that he was just making up excuses for why he was snooping around Shrek's house again.
Shrek sighed, more disappointed than angry. "Farquaad, you know I'm gay. Why would I want to fuck your wife?"
"I wasn't accusing you of anything! I was just asking if you knew anything! I know you and Fiona gossip about everything that happens in this neighborhood!" Farquaad exclaimed, having realized the hole he dug himself into.
"I don't know anything about your wife, now get off my property before I call the police," Shrek said calmly. Of course, he did know about Lady Farquaad's affair. But he wasn't about to ruin her plans to leave Farquaad for Fiona. The little shit ruined his own marriage, after all.
Farquaad turned and began swiftly walking back to the street. After tripping on a rock, and getting laughed at by Shrek for crying, he turned down the sidewalk and went home in shame. With all that over with, Shrek made his way over to his car and, hoping he hasn't been delayed too much, pulls out of his driveway, and begins to head into town to find an engagement ring for Donkey.
The drive through the suburbs is fairly uneventful, although Shrek did pass by Farquaad walking home and got to see him trip again. Today was shaping up to be everything Shrek hoped it would be. After about ten minutes of driving, Shrek pulls up to the Kay Jeweler's in downtown Duloc. He climbed out of his car to see his best friend, Fiona, already waiting for him.
"Took you long enough," she says to him as he walks over.
"Well, you know how Farquaad is. Caught him snooping around again. Honestly, with how much time he spends trying to look through my windows, I'm starting to think he might be in love!" Shrek says while they walk into the store.
"As much as I love making fun of the annoying little hobbit, I already spent all night listening to his soon-to-be-ex-wife complain about him. And then we had sex, but that doesn't really matter. Let's just focus on you finding the perfect ring for Donkey, hm?" Fiona said, already looking around.
"Yeah, that's good. Don't want to waste too much time," Shrek replied.
It was still fairly early in the morning and the store had only just opened, so there weren't many people there. Aside from Shrek and Fiona, there were only a few employees and one other customer. As they browsed through the rings, Shrek couldn't stop himself from imagining how the rest of the day would go. He would return home, Donkey none the wiser about where Shrek went. He would then suggest going out for dinner, not yet mentioning the reservations. Donkey would be pleasantly surprised at the nice restaurant, but think something's up. Then, after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant, Shrek gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring, asking Donkey to his, forever. Of course, Donkey would say yes, and they would live happily ever after.
"Hey, Shrek, what do you think of this one?" Fiona asks, holding up a small, golden ring, with a beautiful green emerald on top.
"I love it," Shrek says before coming to a sudden realization. "Wait, I forgot! We can't get a ring for Donkey, Fiona! He doesn't have fingers!"
"Damn, you're right. Well maybe an engagement bracelet?" Fiona suggests while putting the ring back.
"That could work, although if they don't have anything good, we might want to look at the necklaces too," Shrek says, starting to look through the bracelets.
After a little more time, Shrek gasps. "It's perfect," he says. Fiona walks over to see what he found. It's a silver bracelet with small emeralds all around it. Green and grey. In Shrek's mind, the perfect combination.
They get an employee's attention and before too long the two ogres are walking out of the store, one holding a small bag. Shrek thought that nothing could ruin this perfect day. He was going to propose to Donkey and live happily ever after. Nothing can ruin that! Nothing!
"Hey Shrek," a familiar voice said from behind. A voice Shrek hoped to never hear again.
Fiona recognized it too, and gave Shrek a look of pity before walking off, understandably not wanting to be a part of this. Shrek turned around to see the short bee looking at him and wearing his signature sweater. He had really hoped he never see him again, but he had somehow found Shrek. The one person who could ruin Shrek's perfect day.
"Hey Barry," Shrek said to his ex.
