Chapter 3 – Float Like A Butterfly
Barry B. Benson was lost in the suburbs of Duloc. He had been following Shrek to his home, but seems to have gotten lost somewhere along the way. He's sure that the green bastard did it on purpose. Hell, the ungrateful bitch probably won't even appreciate the money Barry spent on the flowers he had with him. And after all the effort he put into tracking Shrek down, that fucking ogre just turns him away. But it's fine, he's just playing hard to get. He could never truly hate Barry. They were soulmates, fated to live happily ever after. He just needs to show Shrek that he could never actually stop loving Barry.
"Fuck, I didn't want to do this," Barry says to himself as he pulls his car over and pulls up Google Maps on his phone. Now, he just needs to find where he saved Shrek's address. There it is. A small cul-de-sac just on the edge of the suburbs, with Shrek's house at the end of the street in a small swamp. And it's just a couple blocks over, as well. Perfect.
Barry puts his car back into drive and turns onto the correct street. He pulls up to Shrek's yard and gets out of his car. He recognizes the house, of course. He's seen it before when he was stalking Shrek's social media. However, he doesn't see Shrek's pet donkey, so he just assumes it's out back. He's about to step towards Shrek's house when suddenly he's being yelled at.
"What do you think you're doing here, bee!" some short, arrogant man dressed in red screams as he strolls up to Barry.
"I'm just here to see Shrek, don't worry about it," Barry said, dismissively.
"Well, I've got my eyes on you, bee," the short man says, before walking off. As he leaves Barry can hear him mumbling to himself. "Damn bees, ruining this country."
With that over with, Barry shrugs and continues toward Shrek's house, flowers in hand. He walks up to the door and is about to knock when he hears two people talking.
"It's actually why I made waffles," an unknown voice says.
Now who is that? Barry thinks as he walks over to the window.
"I know how much you love them. I just want to know if you're okay, Shrek."
Barry, wondering who it could be, peeks through the window. Strange, all he sees is Shrek and his pet donkey. They must be in another room. Although, why does the donkey have its own plate of waffles?
"I'm fine Donkey. Really. Why worry about Barry when I have you?" Shrek said with a smile.
Barry isn't sure what's happening. Is he talking to the donkey?
"I love you, Donkey."
He could've sworn he heard a second voice. Maybe Shrek was doing both voices?
"And I love you too, Shrek," the donkey said.
Oh. It's not a pet. It's not a pet.
Barry knew magic animals were recognized as people. Of course he did, he's a magic bee. But how was he supposed to know that the donkey Shrek kept posting pictures of was a magic donkey? He thought that thing was just a pet! He thought Shrek was still single! And, oh God, he was buying an engagement ring earlier, wasn't he? Years spent combing the internet to track down Shrek, wasted! And all because it turns out that Shrek had dumped him for a fucking donkey!
And that's when Barry snapped out of it and realized that Shrek and Donkey were looking right at him. Had he been speaking out loud? He honestly couldn't tell.
"Barry, what the fuck do you think you're doing here!" Shrek yelled. "Get the hell out of my swamp or you'll be leaving in a body bag!"
"Shrek, calm down. Didn't you say he tried to kill you with a knife when you broke up?" Donkey said to Shrek, repeating the lies that Shrek almost certainly told him.
"Oh great, so Shrek already warped your mind, did he? He loves to tell people about the knife, but never mentions that he made me do it!" Barry yelled into the window.
"What the fuck does that even mean, you little piss bug?!" Shrek yelled back, now standing up. He continued shouting as he went for the door. "And need I remind you that you broke up with me!"
"Because you made me! If you had just told the truth about your cheating, I could have forgiven you! But apparently you had been fucking a donkey behind my back the whole time!" Barry screamed back, as Shrek slammed his door open.
Shrek paused and looked offended at that. "I never once cheated on you! I didn't even meet Donkey until after you tried to kill me!"
Barry, suddenly realizing how easily the large ogre could kill him, just shook his head. "There's just no reasoning with a crazy person," he said to himself before flying off, flowers forgotten underneath Shrek's kitchen window. He hopes Shrek comes around on his own and realizes how much he still loves Barry, or else he might have to make Shrek realize.
Shrek just feels tired as he watches Barry fly away. He closes the door and sits back down at the table to finish his waffles, but the argument took too long. The waffles absorbed too much syrup and have become a nasty pile of cold sludge. He feels like that's what his whole life has become. Donkey sitting across the table, looking at him with pity, certainly isn't helping. His plans for the day have already been forgotten.
Suddenly, Donkey perks up. "Hey, Shrek, I know what will make you feel better," he says as Shrek looks up at him. "I've got some errands to take care of, but meet me up at the falls this evening. Around 7. I've got a surprise for you!"
Shrek feels a small smile on his face. He can only be talking about the Duloc Waterfall Park. The site of their first date. It's a bit of a drive, but it would be the perfect place to propose to Donkey.
"Yeah, that sounds great, Donkey," Shrek said, finally feeling good about the day again. It may not be the perfect day, but they can always save that for the wedding. Once they've finally got their happily ever after.
