Chapter 2: Winter Winds Blow

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Ben Loudermilk." A man with a wide smile pumped Carolyn's hand.

Loudermilk, Loudermilk, that name was familiar…Ah, yes, Candy had been going on lately about a Jeremy Loudermilk who was in the Thanksgiving pageant with her. Carolyn knew that Jeremy wasn't in Candace's Sunday School Class, because she had assisted in the class numerous times. He must be in a different grade than she was.

Carolyn had guessed Candy had a crush on Jeremy Loudermilk since her chatter about him seemed to be equal parts complaint and awe. She'd gush about him for a spell and then realize that she was giving herself away and mention some annoying trait that he had.

Carolyn recognized the symptoms of liking someone in spite of yourself.

"Carolyn Muir, right?" Mr. Loudermilk went on, now closing his other hand over hers as he shook her hand and arm.

"Yes, I'm Mrs. Muir." She smiled while withdrawing her hand. She was wearing her wedding ring. She didn't always but had felt that tonight Robert was probably hovering nearby watching the children. She was feeling wistful and saddened that he wasn't here to share this moment with her and had decided to wear the ring.

"Your kids are great, really terrific," he went on, undaunted by her cool response.

"My children? You know them?" She looked him over, and glanced at his left hand, he was not wearing a ring.

"Oh sure, I've been helping build the sets for their play tonight. Jonathan is quite the little carpenter!"

Carolyn offered a vague smile. "Yes, his father is an architect."

"I'm so sorry, I heard you recently lost your husband." His face flattened into an expression of solemn deference.

Carolyn merely nodded, wondering who he'd heard that bit of information from, the children, or her mother.

"I was thinking, after the play tonight, we could get coffee, and maybe take the kids out for sundaes." His smile widened once more.

Carolyn drew herself up; this sounded like a date. Had he only mentioned taking the kids for sundaes, or that a group was going, she wouldn't have suspected anything, but the fact that he mentioned we and coffee, got her hackles up.

"Oh, I don't think so. The kids will be tired, and tomorrow is going to be wall-to-wall food." She began to turn away.

"I lost my wife," he said.

She turned back; an announcement of that magnitude merited a response, an offer of sympathy.

"I mean, it was a divorce, but still. Single parenthood is no joke. Am I right?"

"I really wouldn't know," Carolyn said, honestly. She hadn't done any single parenting as of yet. She'd had loads of help from family. She guessed that it was "no joke" but she didn't like to comment on things she had no knowledge of.

"You're living with your folks," he pressed on.

"Excuse me, Mr. Loudermilk–"

"Ben, please. Call me Ben."

"Mr. Loudermilk," she began again. "I really must go check on the children. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving." She turned away and walked off.

It was entirely possible that the kids had mentioned their father's death and that they were living with their grandparents. That wasn't out of the question, but it was also possible that he'd heard the sad tale from her mother or one of her mother's friends.

Firstly, Carolyn wasn't interested in dating, and secondly, if she were, she was quite capable of meeting someone on her own. Who did he think he was introducing himself and using her first name like that?!

Fury rose with a metallic tang at the back of her throat. If Robert were here, he'd tell that man a thing or two! Tears of anger sprang into her eyes, but she didn't let them stop her. She hurried to find Jonathan and Candy for a hug, kiss, and "break a leg". Her father had told the children that it meant good luck in theater speak and they'd begun saying it at home whenever they could.

Behind the curtain, she saw Candy, giggling and red-faced as she spoke to a rather tall boy, who had the same wide smile as Mr. Ben Loudermilk. Unlike his father, Jeremy had a lot of curly hair and was quite striking dressed in his Native American garb.

She sighed, maybe she should have agreed to coffee and ice cream for Candy's sake. It was her first crush. On the other hand, since Carolyn knew only too well that crushes usually ended painfully, maybe she was doing Candy a favor. The less she saw of and spent time with Jeremy, the sooner her crush would peter out, and if it petered out rather than got snuffed out, it wouldn't hurt as badly.

"Mom!" Jonathan was hurrying over as fast as he could, considering that he now had large green paper husks attached to his costume and could no longer move his legs freely.

"Well, look at you! You look very…corny." She bent and kissed him on the forehead.

"My neck still itches," he said with a scowl.

"But only for a little while longer, and once you are on stage, you'll forget all about it, because you'll be paying attention to your part," she reminded him.

"Yeah, I guess," he allowed. "And it helps that I'm not the only one wearing a stupid costume. Cayden is a beet and his mom put red makeup all over his face. At least you didn't color me yellow."

She hugged him, careful not to bend his husks. "Break a leg," she said with a smile.

"Break a leg!" he said back, then scuttled off to where the other vegetables were getting last-minute instructions from the director.

Carolyn went to sit in the audience with her parents. The pageant, like any production consisting of a rag-tag mix of kids, was part impressive, part hilarious, and quite touching. Some of the children played their part so earnestly that it was impossible to not be impressed by their commitment to their roles.

A few children were apparently only there because they'd been forced into it; they rolled their eyes as they read their lines.

When Candy had finished speaking her few lines Carolyn's mother squeezed her knee and whispered in her ear, "Robert would be so proud."

He would have, but he would also be trying to hold back a chuckle at the various antics of the children. Some of the very young ones wandered around the stage or were searching the audience to wave to their parents. Still, when it came to the end and the kids led the audience in a chorus of "We Gather Together", all of the children sang out and remained on point.

When the choir director gave them the well-done signal and the crowd had risen to their feet and applauded profusely, the younger children, Jonathan included, ran straight out to their parents, while the older, including Candace, went backstage to help tear the set down.

"You looked so realistic up there I wanted to come on stage and eat you up!" Brad, Carolyn's father said to Jonathan, ruffling his thick blonde hair.

"Thanks, Grandpa. Mommy, can you take these leaves off?" He immediately turned to his mother.

"Oh, let us get a picture of you and your sister first!" Emily said.

Jonathan's face grew stormy, and Carolyn knew he was coming to the end of his patience. He dared not be rude to his grandmother, but tears were not far away.

"Come on, let's hurry and find Candy, and then we'll get you out of that sweater!" Carolyn took her little boy's hand and went into action.

When they arrived backstage, Jeremy was running around holding Candy's Pilgrim hat while she chased him. It appeared the crush might not be one-sided, but it was just as likely that the boy simply enjoyed the attention and was doing his part to keep it up.

At any rate, Carolyn was going to have to break up the fun or Jonathan was going to go into meltdown. "Candy, Candy! Grandma wants to take a picture."

Candy cut her eyes at her mother then frowned at her brother. "I can't Mom, Jeremy took my hat!" she complained in feigned indignation.

"Well, let's explain the situation to him and see if he will give it back." Carolyn cast a stern look at her daughter.

Candy's face fell, her mouth twisted and she stopped in her tracks. "Jeremy Loudermilk, give me back my hat! I gotta go," she demanded, hands on hips.

The boy stopped running and handed over the hat, but first, he ruffled Candy's hair, in much the same way as her grandfather had done to Jonathan. "Ok, here you go kid." He said it with a smile, but several expressions flashed across Candy's face in a matter of seconds.

She blushed, both shocked and flattered that he had touched her and that he had surrendered the hat. But when he added "kid", her face fell. She looked as hurt and shamed as if he had slapped her.

"He just said that because your family was here," Carolyn whispered to Candy as she smoothed down her hair and helped her arrange her hat. "Boys that age are easily embarrassed." She didn't want Candy's hurt look recorded forever in family history.

Candy nodded, but her angry eyes followed Jeremy as he strode away. If looks could kill…

"You did a wonderful job," Carolyn added. "I'll bet everyone thought you were at least a 4th grader."

Candy adjusted her hat and flashed a brilliant smile at her grandparents.

"Let's take a photo by that corn shock of corn." Emily directed the children towards the autumn decorations and called out directions for several shots with and without Carolyn and her father. Then Carolyn took a photo of the kids with their grandparents. Before she lowered her phone Jonathan was tearing at the paper husks and saying "I gotta go!"

The adults immediately sprang into action freeing him from the confines of his costume and grandpa took his hand and headed for the nearest restroom.

Candy stood holding her hat and looking over to where Jeremy Loudermilk was helping put chairs away. He had removed his headdress but was still wearing face paint and the brown corduroys with a fringe of yarn sewn along their outer seam.

Carolyn couldn't read her daughter's face, but she was clearly concentrating and trying to work something out in her mind.

"Does he go to your school?" Carolyn asked breezily.

"No." Candy scowled.

"He's quite tall."

"He's a fourth-grader."

"Ah, right. I've never seen a curly-haired Wampanoag chief before, but he did rather well."

Candy nodded. "I like curly hair."

"It's very attractive, a nice color too."

"And he has brown eyes."

"Scruffy is the only one in our family with brown eyes," Carolyn noted.

Candy looked at her and grinned. "Mom, Scruffy isn't, I mean he IS part of the family but–"

"He's adopted," Carolyn explained.

Grandma Emily returned from her task of crumpling Jonathan's husks and depositing them in the trash.

"You were wonderful, darling." She gave Candy a kiss and a hug.

Candy turned crimson and her eyes went to Jeremy to see if he was witnessing this embarrassing show of affection, but he was busy with his chore.

"Ok, let's go catch up with Grandpa and Jonathan," Carolyn said in a hurry before anything else could happen. She noticed that Ben Loudermilk was looking her way and she didn't want to hazard another conversation with him, especially with her mother present. She smiled to herself; she wasn't that much different from poor Candy, except she wasn't the one with the crush.

XXX

"Oh Darling, here, let's have a hug. I know today must be just…I can't even imagine. Your first holiday without Bob." Carolyn's Aunt Kristi embraced her in a tight, floral-scented hug.

"Thank you, come in, come in. Let me help you with your coat." Carolyn forced a smile and accepted that she was probably going to have field quite a few versions of this before the day was over.

It seemed that everyone expected her to be sad or sullen-anything but happy. The truth was she wasn't feeling especially sorry for herself. She was looking forward to spending time with extended family, and the kids were looking forward to seeing their cousins and step-cousins. Candy had elected to wear her pilgrim hat for the occasion but Jonathan had stuffed his green tights at the bottom of the laundry basket and hoped never to see them again.

Grief was a curious thing, not one emotion, but one thousand emotions that came and went willy nilly. The times when she or others expected her to be feeling the loss, she sometimes felt nothing. On other days any little thing could send her spinning into a tizzy. Today she felt genuinely happy. She was looking forward to a day of food and family.

In previous years she and Robert had to negotiate the holidays with their parents and extended families. She had hated that they always let someone down, that someone was feeling slighted because they had gone to a different celebration. The situation multiplied tenfold once the children had come along.

The grandparents had always been disappointed when it wasn't their turn to have the couple there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter, but once Candy had been born, they behaved as if they were being deprived of the basic right to celebrate with their grandchildren.

Robert had even suggested that the family take a vacation over Christmas rather than have to deal with the pressure to make everyone, except themselves, happy. "One family gets Thanksgiving, the other one gets Easter and we'll spend Christmas far away from everyone!" he had declared.

Carolyn appreciated how he felt, especially since she knew that his mother harped on him privately beyond anything she was party to. Because he didn't want to poison the relationship between his mother and his wife, he kept the details to himself.

Carolyn's parents hadn't pouted or accused, but they did keep mentioning how disappointed they were, and the plans they had made, and wasn't it a shame that the children would miss out.

She didn't have to worry about that today; Robert's mother had flown to Chicago to have the holiday with her sister. There was nowhere else that Carolyn was expected to be. She'd spent the morning peeling potatoes and cooking cranberry sauce and now she could enjoy her family, most of whom she hadn't seen since the funeral.

Best of all, she had met her self-imposed writing deadline. The night before-after getting the children into bed and helping her mother finish baking pies-she had gone to her room, pulled out the file labeled "Gregg, Daniel", opened her laptop, and gotten busy.

She had already sorted and organized the facts; she simply needed to write a summary that would tie up the loose ends and with no room for argument, make it clear that Captain Daniel Gregg had not died by suicide, but from accidental carbon monoxide poisoning.

She hadn't been able to avoid bringing up the fact that the family had supported the idea that he had died "not of sound mind", but she emphasized that they had done so to negate an unsigned will stating that Gull Cottage should be converted into a home for retired sea captains.

She didn't want to cast aspersions on members of the Gregg family living or dead; she'd sidestepped outright accusation by positing that Daniel Gregg had indeed recently changed his will, but had not yet had the time to set up the trust that would ensure that Gull Cottage met its intended future. Therefore, the family, not having knowledge of the Captain's intentions and having no personal interest in the project, asked that the previous will be honored.

The fact that Captain Gregg had not yet made arrangements with a lawyer or set up the trust mentioned in the will, was merely proof that he had no intention to end his life. Records proved he had an appointment to meet with a lawyer set for two weeks after the date of his death.

Carolyn was relieved that she'd been able to accomplish her goals in the article with no one coming off as the bad guy. In addition to the Schooner Bay Chronicle, she planned to send a copy to the town librarian, who had generously shared her time and resources with Carolyn.

She wished she could send a copy to Captain Gregg himself. He might not be pleased with the diplomacy with which she'd handled the subject, since he was still quite angry about the conspiracies that had been circulated surrounding his death. She thought that he might be induced to reconsider the situation his family had been in. Yes, he'd made it clear he had wanted the cottage to be used as a retirement home, but he had not finalized the details. It only made sense that the family wanted to keep the property that had been settled by their grandfather.

She hadn't planned it nor expected it, but writing about the difficulties following the accidental death of the Captain helped her understand her experience with Robert's death. It helped her see that in time all this would be but a memory, a family story. Seemingly senseless things happened then the sands of time smoothed them over.

During one of her meetings with the pastor, they'd spoken about the grieving process and the pastor had mentioned issues associated with an infected grief wound–the result of holding back feelings, thoughts, and expectations until they festered and ended up poisoning the rest of a person's life.

Captain Gregg was clearly dealing with an infected grief wound if one could be said to grieve their own death. He had not had the opportunity to execute his plan and was still fuming over the fact that no one had done it for him. He hadn't been able to let go of the idea, say "Que sera sera" and move on. Instead, he was hanging around making life difficult for his hapless great-grand-step-nephew.

Having seen the results of bitterness and spite firsthand, Carolyn was determined that she wouldn't allow that to happen to her. Robert had taken the time to set up trusts for the children's education. There had been an insurance policy that she could have used to pay off the house but had chosen to deposit at the bank instead.

She had apologized to Robert but felt quite sure he understood that she would rather live closer to her parents than to his mother. She would use the money to establish a home for them, once she had figured out where she wanted to live.

She understood why the Gregg family had decided to hang onto Gull Cottage.

The land, if not the cottage itself, was part of the Gregg family history. Daniel Gregg's grandfather had settled there when he arrived in America, bringing his son and his son's young family with him. Carolyn wondered why Daniel Gregg didn't appreciate that his sister hadn't wanted to let the land go. There must be more to the story; maybe something had happened between him and his sisters. Maybe there was more to the Captain's personal history that colored his feelings about the land the cottage stood on.

Why hadn't the handsome, successful Captain ever married and had a family of his own? She'd heard the supposedly romantic notion that some men were married to the sea, or that the sea was their mistress, but the Captain seemed to love the cottage and had planned to spend the rest of his days there. When he had spoken to her of his family, he seemed to have fond memories of his ancestors, but thought little of his descendants.

She had rather liked the Captain, and she hated to think of him as a mean or petty man. Something had to have happened in his life that had led to disappointment, to the degree that when his new plans were foiled, he went into a fury. Something that had been reason enough for people to believe he might have given up hope and taken his life.

A man could overcome even a sizable disappointment, but stacked one on top of another, they could sour a person's soul.

The ringing doorbell called her out of her brown study, and soon she was hugging loved ones once again. She offered the guests drinks-either wine or the Williams' family secret recipe hot spiced cider. She had to raise her voice because her father was showing off his huge television with its powerful speakers.

The men gathered to marvel at the technology and a football game and the women migrated to the kitchen and dining room where they could speak without shouting. The kids had scurried off upstairs with the cousins to play.

Carolyn sipped her cider and listened to the happy din of voices. People were glad to have a long weekend and the opportunity to share their favorite and yummiest recipes. They were happy to be catching up on family news and share some harmless gossip.

There were two new faces among the women this year– 26 yr old Julie who was engaged to be married in a few months, and 31 yr old Caitlin who had married into the family last winter. Merry, Carolyn's cousin, was pregnant and expecting before Christmas, and Aunt Lou was in a wheelchair recovering from a broken hip.

Carolyn was not the only one who was undergoing significant changes in her life. Major change was part of life and sometimes it was the catalyst towards something exciting.

"Oh, but Merry, you're moving so far, and with a new baby!" one of the cousins said sadly. "Don't you want to be near your family?"

"It's beautiful in Georgia, and Kevin's found a great position, and there will be lots of places where I can sell my art." Merry rubbed her baby swell happily as she thought about the changes ahead. "And you can all come out and visit us! You've never been to Atlanta, have you?"

"I'd love to see Atlanta!" Carolyn said brightly. She admired Merry's enthusiasm and spunk, and she was right, the family didn't always have to gather at the same places; it would be good to shake things up and visit someplace new.

"I never even visited the East Coast until I got involved with Ray." Caitlin offered. "I thought everything I could ever want or need could be found in California."

They turned to hear her story, happy that she felt comfortable enough to share.

"It's so different out here, my family thought I was crazy even getting involved with someone on the other side of the country, but now we have places to go on either coast."

At the word coast, Carollyn's mind went to a windy beach in Maine. She guessed it was bone-chillingly cold at this time of year. She wondered how the cottage fared during a true Nor'easter. Did it shudder and shake in the wind?

"And I know they LOVE Ray." His mother offered.

Caitlin laughed," Yes, they do, and everyone in this family has been great to me, to us."

It seemed that it was all about attitude. A person could set their mind for or against a person or situation and be about as happy or as bitter as they cared to. Caitlin's family could have decided her marrying someone from the east coast meant she loved them less or they could embrace Ray and have more love to go around.

"And the same is true for you." The hair stood up on the back of Carolyn's neck. She swore she actually heard the words out loud, in a distinctly male voice. She looked around and clearly, no one else had heard it. Well, she'd been thinking about the Captain so much last night while she worked on the article, that it made sense that his voice was in her head.

It often seemed like a quarter of life was what happened to a person, and the rest was their attitude about it. Aunt Lou was smiling and joining in the conversation, enjoying what the younger women had to share instead of complaining about her injury, and that her children and grandkids didn't visit her enough.

"I heard that you took a trip, Carolyn. Did you see something new?" her cousin's wife Jenny asked.

"I went to Maine. I rented a cottage right near a beach." She was touched that they had asked her.

"She even got a writing job out of it!" Her mother said encouragingly.

"Well, not exactly. I mean, I have written an article about the history of the house I stayed in but it's just a local interest story. I'm going to send it to the paper there, but I'm not expecting to get paid."

"You were a journalist in college weren't you?" Aunt Lou recalled.

"Yes, I worked on the campus paper and wrote some short stories."

"That's wonderful that you're writing again. That gives you a flexible schedule which must be a huge help with the kids."

"I haven't exactly-"

"I remember reading your stories, you have such a unique perspective. And I learned so much. You pack so much information in but somehow you don't realize you're taking in till you finish the story!"

Carolyn felt herself color warmly, but it was a nice sort of embarrassment. She was pleased that any of them remembered and how wonderful that they'd read her stories.

"When they publish your article, do let me know. Send me a link." Merry requested.

The others echoed the request. They certainly didn't behave as though they thought she was washed up now that she was raising two kids without Robert. She appreciated that no one handled her with kid gloves. They didn't hold back from asking Julie about her wedding plans in front of her.

Over the course of the day and evening, some of her relatives did check in, asking how she was doing, how the kids were handling things, and if she had decided where she wanted to live once the house was sold. They weren't behaving as if Robert hadn't died, but they weren't acting as if it was the thing that defined her either.

After dinner, they put candles in the pies and sang Happy Birthday to the three family members who had been born in November. The kids opted for ice cream and cupcakes instead of pie, and the men took a break from their football games to clear up, load the dishwasher and scrub the pots and pans.

The woman made take-home containers from the leftovers and put on a Christmas movie for the children in Carolyn's bedroom.

It was all as it should be, with the family cooperating to make the holiday nice for everyone. New people were enfolded, kids were tended to, and the elderly chauffeured so they didn't have to drive in the dark and cold. She wouldn't want to be without this, not entirely, but the idea of moving someplace new also seemed a real possibility.

It was after 10 PM when the last goodbyes were said. Candy was asleep between the couch and chair on the living room floor. Jonathan had been carried upstairs and put into his bed fully clothed an hour earlier, a smear of cupcake icing still on his cheek.

"Should we leave her there?" Emily asked her daughter, smiling fondly at her little granddaughter.

"It's tempting. I'm so tired I'm not sure I can lift her.' Carolyn admitted. She'd stayed up late the night before and had woken up early in the morning.

"It was a nice day though, wasn't it?" Her mother squeezed Carolyn's shoulders.

"It was. So good to see everyone…under happy conditions," she added.

"Was the day terribly hard without Robert?" Her mother asked.

Carolyn shrugged, unsure of what to say. It hadn't felt that way, but she was well aware of the letdown that sometimes happened when a party was over and the conversations of the day began to sink in. When she went to bed she would have to process it alone.

"Things are always changing, darling. Always. But family is forever."

Carolyn nodded and offered her mother a smile. She bent and shook Candy gently, waking her enough that with a hand to hold and some encouragement she was able to walk upstairs to bed.

"G'night mommy," she said drowsily.

Carolyn smiled. Candy rarely used "mommy' anymore, having declared it baby talk, but sometimes it still slipped out and Carolyn liked it.

XXX

"I'm too old to see Santa Claus," Candy said, chewing her bacon with gusto the next morning at breakfast. "Besides, it's not the real Santa anyway, it's just men dressed up."

"I'd still like to have a picture of you and Jonathan with Santa Clause, and even if it is just a man dressed up, that's someone's job. It helps them buy presents for their children for Christmas." Emily Williams pointed out, hoping to appeal to her granddaughter's sense of goodwill.

"Yeah, like in that movie. That man just got drunk all the time and lived on the street until they let him be Santa." Jonathan reminded his sister. "We might be keeping someone from living on the street."

"That's a different kind of Santa, that's the one who rings the bell." Candy argued back.

Carolyn made the time-out sign. "Enough! No arguing at the table. I have an idea I think you will all like." She looked at her mother sternly. "They have Santa Paws at BestPet, we can take Scruffy and you and he can have your picture taken all together!"

"Scruffy gets to see Santa Claus?" Jonathan looked like he couldn't believe it.

"That's right, and he'll get a chew toy to boot."

"That's a marvelous idea! It will be very nice to have Scruffy's picture too." Emily smiled at her daughter for thinking of it.

"Edward sat on my Pilgrim hat." Candy snitched on her cousin once the Santa Claus issue had been settled.

"Well, that's too bad, but at least it happened after the pageant. I don't think you'll need it for the Christmas program," Carolyn pointed out.

"I don't care what part they give me. I'm not wearing a sweater and I'm not wearing tights," Jonathan declared.

"But the sheep-" Candy began to contradict him because the sheep were very likely to be wearing both sweaters and tights.

"It's good to know your own mind," Carolyn's father said to the boy.

Candy tried to catch her mother's eye so they could share an eye roll, but Carolyn opted out. Sometimes her daughter took the big sister role a bit too seriously.

It was decided that the outing would take place on Saturday as everyone was tired from the Thanksgiving holiday and the children were cranky from not getting enough sleep. Jonathan was sent outside with his grandfather to spread leaves on the flower bed and Candy was using her screen time to play a video game long distance with one of her cousins.

Carolyn was using her screen time to send copies of her article on Captain Gregg.

"This is good practice," she told herself. If she was going to take up writing again, she needed to familiarize herself with both paper and online options for publishing her work. It was a whole new world from what it had been even a dozen years ago when she had been in college.

She hoped there was a way to make money with her writing, by getting clicks without resorting to producing mere clickbait. She enjoyed writing human interest stories, but she wasn't interested in sensationalism.

"You finished your article?" Her mother entered the room and peeked over her shoulder.

"Yes, just doing the final spelling and grammar check."

"Would you mind awfully much if I read it?"

"Of course not! I should have sent it to you straight away, but I finished so late on Wednesday, all I could think of was getting into bed, and then yesterday…"

"I hope it wasn't too hard for you," her mother said hurriedly.

"No, not at all. It was lovely to see everyone."

"I'm afraid Christmas will be the real kicker," the older woman said with a sigh.

Carolyn nodded, though she didn't like to anticipate sadness. "It will help if I stay busy. I think I'll help with the Christmas pageant."

"And there will be a ton of things to manage here, what with the kids. We'll go cut down a tree, and they'll need new outfits…"

All of those things were wonderful, but Carolyn remembered a quieter Christmas, before the children, when she and Robert had gone to a ski lodge for the holiday. The only gifts they had unwrapped had been each other. She recalled how grown up they had both felt, telling their families that they wouldn't be joining them for the holiday, making arrangements, and then sipping wine and cocoa by the huge roaring fireplace at the lodge.

"We should do this every year." Carolyn had said to him, snuggling her head into his shoulder. "We don't need all that bother and hurrying about."

He'd kissed her forehead, and said "Maybe not every year, but how about once a decade. You and me."

"Pinky promise?" she had dared him.

"Pinky promise." They'd sealed it with pinkies and a kiss. She recalled making love with the snow falling thick outside the window.

"And you know I've wanted to make a gingerbread house with the children…" her mother was still going on.

"We don't have to overdo it." Carolyn heard herself say. "I know it's the first Christmas since they lost their father, but making a big deal out of Christmas won't change that. Won't make up for it."

Her mother looked distressed. "No dear, that's not what-I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I'm just delighted to have all of you here, it's really about indulging myself. I wouldn't dream of trying to replace Robert for the kids, or trying to make them forget."

Carolyn thought it might be nice, next year, to take the kids away for Christmas. Maybe not to a ski lodge, but a child-friendly equivalent. She would keep Robert's promise, but with them.

"I know you don't mean it like that, it's just so easy to get carried away until it's an overload," she explained. "It's easy to keep adding just one more thing until it all just blurs together. I think if we should make a list of a few high points we know we want to hit so we can keep it from getting out of hand."

"Oh my, have I become that grandmother?" Her mother laughed at herself. "It's just that I know it won't be this way forever. As much as I'd love to have you stay." She smiled down at her daughter.

"And we love being here, but you're right. We have to find a place of our own. I don't want to get too comfortable if that makes sense?"

Her mother nodded.

"Life is always changing, people are always on the move, getting married, divorced, having babies, changing jobs."

Her mother gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I so wish, and I've prayed that somehow your father and I could make this easier for you. Not that we could ever do anything that could replace Robert and the love you shared, but the other parts of the equation."

"You have. You really have." Carolyn appreciated all of the help and support.

"But in the end, there is no way but through." Her mother summed it up.

Carolyn nodded.

"And though I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true. You are young and attractive and you WILL find love again…or it will find you."

Carolyn didn't respond. She guessed her mother was right. It was simple mathematics. She likely had a lot of life ahead of her, and if she was busy engaging with the world she would one day meet someone interesting who was interested in her as well. Nature would take its course. She wasn't such a romantic as to believe that there was only one perfect person out there. She knew that if she lived someplace else, she would likely have married a different person. There were a lot of someones out there, if she was honest.

"Let's both make a shopping list for tomorrow." Carolyn was ready to move on to something else. "That way we can use the time most efficiently before the kids lose steam. They love seeing all the decorations, but they don't do as well with crowds and lines."

"I think we should take two cars, and when the kids have had enough, we can have your father drive them home." Emily decided.

"Then the real fun can begin." She gave her mother a knowing look.

"We haven't had that kind of a shopping spree for so many years!" Emily recalled the fun they used to have when Carolyn was in high school or home from college and they shopped until their arms were full and their pocketbooks empty.

Their relationship had survived the tenuous transformation from mother/daughter to a sort of hybrid of friendship and family. Emily was proud of the woman her daughter had become, and most of the time managed to treat her like a reasonable adult. They enjoyed each other's company; they both had good sense and good taste.

"I know I have the insurance money, but I'm still on a budget," Carolyn reminded them both.

"Oh, don't worry about that, you father and I are happy to–"

Carolyn shook her head. "You and Dad can do whatever you please, but I want to…need to be responsible for my gifts to the children. I'm grateful for all the two of you do, but I don't think it would be good for the kids or me if we live beyond our means here, and then when we get a place of our own…"

Her mother was nodding. "You're right, I hadn't thought of it that way. The last thing we would want to do is anything that would make you appear less than in the eyes of the children, but darling, I don't think you could. The kids adore you, and the way you handle them. Nothing money could buy could ever touch that."

"I appreciate the compliment, but I still feel that we need to keep things simple." She frowned, wondering if she should share something she'd been pondering with her mother. "I've been thinking that it would be wonderful if I could afford to hire Martha again. But I'm sure she's gotten another position by now."

"If it's the cooking you're concerned about, you and I could spend more time together in the kitchen," her mother offered.

"Well, that wasn't my primary reason, but her doing the cooking surely took a weight off of my shoulders."

Her mother studied her. "What are you thinking then? If it's the housework, it doesn't cost much to hire someone to come in once a week."

Carolyn shook her head. "Hearing the others talk about moving to different places got me thinking. This is kind of a natural break in life, you know? If I'm going to move somewhere new, this would be the time to do it, before I find a job. The kids are still young. If we did move away, it would be nice if they had someone around that they are familiar with, someone they love besides myself. That way, if I'm working, there's someone familiar when they come home from school."

Her mother looked hurt. "But Darling, couldn't your father and I–"

"That's too much to ask. You have friends who are raising their grandchildren, you know it's not easy."

"Not raise them just provide…a presence."Her mother chose a word with her usual elegance.

Carolyn's forehead wrinkled. It wasn't because of what her mother had said, but rather, an alternate meaning of the word. She had described what she had experienced at Gull Cottage as a presence. Her mother was thinking of the most magnanimous use of the term, and Carolyn's mind had gone directly to haunting.

"Darling, don't look at me that way. This is new territory for all of us. If I step on toes, it's not because I don't think you're up to everything you have ahead of you."

"That's not it…I was just thinking of the cottage."

"It had such a profound effect on you. I think we should plan to go there next Summer. A week with the whole family! Even Scruffy," her mother offered.

Carolyn was filled with alarm. The cottage had had a profound effect on her, partly for reasons she couldn't explain to anyone, least of all her mother. If she admitted to hearing voices and enjoying the attentions of a male ghost, her mother wouldn't book a cottage for a summer vacation, she'd book Carolyn thirty days in a psychiatric ward. And what if they did go and the Captain either acted out because he didn't like his peace being disturbed, or even worse he didn't show up at all? Then Carolyn would have to live with the fact that maybe it had all been in her head.

"The Cottage is quite rustic. I think we'd be much more comfortable at the Bed and Breakfast in town, and I could introduce you to my friend Laura." Carolyn hurried to redirect her mother's line of thinking.

"But I thought you said you were comfortable there."

"I was, but that was me, alone. You wouldn't like it at all. It has this crazy old iron stove. There's not even a microwave, and the water is completely unpredictable."

"Sounds like the children would love it. A real adventure!"

Carolyn smiled weakly. "I'll email you a copy of the article, and if we're going to shop till we drop tomorrow I need to finish some emails."

"Ok, I'm going to see if I can find that old pattern for the Gingerbread Nativity scene. Do you remember we made it that one year and brought it to the Church craft sale?"

"Good luck," Carolyn said. "Would you mind closing the door?"

She let out a relieved sigh when the door clicked shut. The good news was that by the time Summer rolled around her mother would likely have forgotten all about Gull Cottage and would have made arrangements for Disney World or some other extravagant place.

Carolyn looked at her computer. She had a tab open to the "Gregg Real Estate and Professional Services" website. It was very basic but it had the necessary contact information to reach Claymore Gregg, the step descendent of Captain Gregg and the man who rented out the cottage. Since the article was written about his family and property, it would be a professional courtesy to send him an advance copy.

She added the email address to her contacts. She had made arrangements to rent the Cottage over the telephone, but email seemed the proper route for alerting him about the article.

Next, she emailed a copy to the Schooner Bay Public Library, attn: Sandy Beach, Head Librarian. She had been astonished when she learned the woman's name. She hadn't yet decided if her parents had been clever or cruel in naming their daughter.

As fond as the citizens of Schooner Bay were of the ocean and everything that related to it, her name might have been a badge of honor.

The last entity she needed to email was the Schooner Bay Chronicle, but she had decided to allow the town librarian and Mr. Gregg the courtesy of reading it and responding before she finalized the copy and submitted it for publication. There might be something important she had left out, a piece of incorrect information, or something the family wouldn't want to be printed. She had done her best to be fair and accurate, but people were funny, you never knew how they would take things.

Carolyn began her email, then deleted it and began again. Mr. Gregg was an odd man-a penny pincher to be sure, but also a go-getter entrepreneur, and jack of many trades.

When it came to Claymore Gregg, she knew she could get his attention more quickly with flattery and the possibility of making a buck than with anything else.

"Dear Mr. Gregg, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that your holiday season will be merry and bright. I did so enjoy my stay at your lovely property Gull Cottage this Summer. I enjoyed it so much that I was inspired to research Captain Daniel Gregg and write a human interest article that I will be submitting to the Schooner Bay Chronicle.

Before I send the article to them, I would like you to have a copy for correction and comment. I did my very best to get the facts straight while still preserving the reputation of Capt. Gregg and the good name of the Gregg family.

I look forward to hearing from you, Sincerely, Carolyn Muir"

She gazed out the window before hitting "send". She wished there was a way to email Captain Gregg himself. She wondered if the old ouija board they'd used a few times as a kid was still hanging around somewhere in the garage or attic. Then chuckled at herself for being silly.

Even if the Captain would lower himself to chatting via a talking board, she doubted he would respond on the pink glitter covered board she'd received as a birthday gift from a friend when she was 11.

Carolyn had never believed in ouija boards, but she did wonder if there were legitimate mediums that communicated with the dead. After her experience with Captain Gregg, she believed that such communication had more to do with the dead wanting to be heard than with the living summoning the dead.

She hadn't chanted, lit black candles, or repeated any incantations; the ghost had contacted her on his terms, the same way, if stories were to be believed, he had spoken to and spooked others.

She considered asking Claymore Gregg to run over to the cottage and leave a copy there for the Captain, but that sounded crazy. She hit "send" and laid her palms down on her thighs. She took a deep breath, released it slowly, and decided that in 48 hours, after the librarian and Claymore had had the chance to respond, she would submit the article to the Chronicle and that would be the end of this chapter of….whatever this was.

She wasn't getting anywhere with her other story, so she had decided to begin a different one, following the adage "write what you know", rather than diving headfirst into a subject she knew nothing about.

She recalled Candy giggling as she ran around the Church hall with Jeremy Loudermilk in hot pursuit. Carolyn would write about a young woman falling in love for the first time and comparing it to the crushes of her childhood.

It would be good for her to address the subject of love now, rather than walk wide circles around it for years because she had lost her husband. It was healthier this way, to not treat the subject as taboo or something that she couldn't handle.

The other day she had been reading her parent's AARP magazine and there was a story written by a two-time widow who found love again in her seventies. She had considered her first husband the love of her life, they had been childhood sweethearts. She lost him and a few years later found love again. After her second husband passed away a friendship grew into something more and she found herself again in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man.

The idea of someone being "The One" or "the love of her life" was more an attitude than reality. It was wonderful when two people found a partner they could spend their life with, but it wasn't the only way. That wasn't the only kind of true love.

She guessed that like anything else in life, love was what you made it. The woman in the article shared how different the men were, and how the sort of man that suited her at one point in her life, wasn't necessarily the partner she wanted or needed at another stage of life.

None of this made Carolyn any more interested in having coffee with Ben Loudermilk, but it had softened her fear that with Robert gone she was destined to be alone, at least until the children were grown.

The rest of the afternoon and evening was taken up with getting Scruffy prepared for his visit to Santa. Jonathan declared that the dog needed a bath, something Scruffy was not overly fond of. Carolyn's mother wasn't crazy about the idea of washing a dog in a tub meant for humans, but it was much too cold to bathe him outside.

She allowed them to wash him in the deep sink in the laundry room and dry him with an old torn sheet that had been set aside as a painting drop cloth. Candy declared that Scruffy needed a Christmas sweater and Carolyn and her mother spent the evening converting one of Jonathan's old holiday sweaters to fit the dog. Scruffy wasn't much fonder of the sweater than he was of the bath, but they managed to get him to tolerate several fittings until they had the proportions right.

Grandpa thought the entire thing was silly and decided to enjoy a movie and a pipe.

Finally, it was bedtime. Scruffy was nowhere to be found and Carolyn feared that he wouldn't come out of hiding in time to see Santa the following day.

"I never thought I'd be dressing a dog let alone making clothing for one," her mother said with a laugh.

"The things we'll do for our grandchildren." Her husband laughed along with her.

"Thanks for being such a good sport," Carolyn told her mom. "I have a feeling this is going to be one of those days the children will remember for a lifetime."

"I found that pattern for the gingerbread creche, I hope that turns out to be easier than dressing the dog," Emily said with a sigh.

"I think we should do the baking while the kids are at school and have them help with the decorating," Carolyn suggested.

She was all for simplifying things, especially when it involved the kids. Their attention spans and patience were never what one hoped, and nearly every project ended up having a snafu hidden in it somewhere.

"That's what I'm going to do," her father said.

"You're baking gingerbread?" Both his wife and daughter were puzzled.

"No, I'm making a wooden train in the garage, and then I'm going to let Jonathan paint it and set it up under the tree."

"Oh Brad, that's wonderful!" Emily hugged her husband.

Carolyn's eyes misted over. It was the sort of thing Robert would have done had he been able to find the time. This was another lovely thing about living near family. Grandparents had the time to do the things that parents didn't. While part of her longed to move someplace new, another part of her didn't want to give this up.

The painted portrait of Captain Gregg came into her mind. He had loved his family, yet he spent his life sailing around the world, seeing exotic places. Life was what you made it, no matter where you were, no matter at what point in history you lived.

In the morning, Carolyn promised Scruffy that if he cooperated this one last time, he'd never have to wear a sweater again. Whether or not he understood her, he didn't squirm or growl. Either he was playing nice or he'd accepted defeat. He didn't roll around on the rug trying to rub it off nor did he chew on the cuffs.

In fact, when they arrived at the pet store Scruffy held his head high and strutted in front of the other dogs, cats, and occasional snake or lizard, who weren't wearing sweaters as if to show himself off. He took a very nice photo with Santa, his ears perked up and wearing a happy expression.

"What a good boy!" Carolyn praised him as they worked their way back to the car. She was prepared to remove the sweater as soon as they got back to the SUV but Scruffy seemed perfectly content wearing it; he curled into a ball between the children and went to sleep.

"Well, would you look at that!" Emily marveled.

"Maybe last night he just didn't like all the trying on," Jonathan suggested. "That's why I don't like shopping for clothes, you gotta keep taking everything on and off."

After lunch, Brad took his grandkids, and Scruffy, back home, while Carolyn and her mother hit the shops. Carolyn had been looking forward to it, recalling the old days when they would keep taking everything on and off trying on new outfits. This time, the focus was on the children, too much focus for Carolyn's liking.

She was fine with them each getting one new Christmas outfit, and she guessed it was ok for them to get new pajamas...and socks...and underwear but her mother just didn't want to stop. She bought Candy a knitted hat with matching mittens and scarf plus a muff and fur topped boots.

She bought a snowsuit for Jonathan as well as double-bladed ice skates and a hockey stick. Then she purchased him a jersey and hat in the colors of "The Flyers" the Philly hockey team.

As they talked Carolyn discovered that her mother had purchased tickets for all of them to see a matinee of the Nutcracker ballet, tickets for the Ice Show, and was plotting in her head when they could attend the German Christmas Market and see the lights downtown. Another night she wanted them to visit the zoo light show and go tobogganing.

She had planned such a whirlwind of holiday activities that Carolyn was seeing dollar signs flashing around her, and any hope for a simple holiday evaporating before her eyes.

"I thought we could cut down a tree tomorrow!" her mother added.

Carolyn made the time-out sign with her hands. "Mom…MOM!"

"What's the matter, dear?" Her mother seemed genuinely shocked.

"There's only one month until Christmas and you've scheduled six months of activities!"

"Don't be silly, the kids are going to love it. It's what makes the season feel magical."

"Can we just pick two of those things to do and maybe save the rest for another year?"

"Don't be silly, I've already purchased tickets to at least four of them. You know how it is now. Things sell out so quickly, so I did it all online!"

"Don't you think it would be fun to spend some time at home making Christmas decorations? And they'll have practice for the Nativity play."

"They'll make decorations in school, probably more than will fit on the tree." Her mother brushed her concern away like a pesky mosquito.

Carolyn felt stress gathering in her temples and the back of her neck. "I'm feeling a little dizzy. How about we call it a day?" It was almost dinner time anyway.

"Ok, darling." Her mother looked concerned. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes, it's just the crowds, and the rushing about." She didn't add, and the money and the plans and the roar of the Christmas monster coming to life. If they did half of what her mother had talked about the kids wouldn't have time to watch the Christmas shows on tv or write letters to Santa.

They called in an order for pizza that arrived minutes after they pulled into the driveway. The children were thrilled. Robert hadn't cared for pizza and they didn't eat it often. It wasn't in Martha's repertoire, and she considered it junk food and something they should only eat at birthday parties or after ball games.

Carolyn ate two slices, then excused herself to her room to lie down. She did lie down, but sleep didn't come. She practiced deep breathing but thoughts kept whirring in her mind. Her mother meant well, but it was too much, and as long as they lived in her parent's house, she felt she couldn't do anything about it. And if they found a place close by…would her mother still think it was her prerogative to sign the kids up for everything?

She feared that it hadn't just been making plans for the kids for the summer, and now for the holidays, it would remain like this. Carolyn would become the kid's taxi driver from activity to activity. Her mother already anticipated that Candy would long for ballet lessons after seeing the Nutcracker and that Jonathan would want to get signed up for peewee league hockey.

Surely it was only a matter of time until her mom tried to manage her life as well. She might find out her mother had signed her up for samba lessons, created a profile for her on a dating site, and had her enrolled in nursing school.

"She needs a career," Carolyn thought aloud. "She'd make a great party planner." People would be lucky to have someone with her mother's imagination and energy. Her mother had been in charge of numerous school and Church fundraisers over the years and they had always done very well, but it was like having a sheepdog as a pet. They were wonderful but they just couldn't stop trying to herd everyone and everything. Her mother was a sheepdog.

She could already hear her mother's reasoning in her head-she couldn't move after the holidays, because it would be criminal to transfer the kids to a new school. And she couldn't move at the end of the school year because they would be signed up for summer camps and sports and swimming lessons and they'd have their friends and on and on and on.

And always, the final jab in every argument-"but darling, they lost their father, and I know money is tight, just let us do this for them."

Carolyn wasn't usually one to harken back to simpler times, but she thought there must be a better way, and yes a simpler way, where kids could have time to play and imagine, where Christmas wasn't a 24/7 four week long marathon.

She reached for her laptop and typed in "Schooner Bay Maine Christmas."

"Night Before Christmas Bedtime Stories" every Thursday night at the library.

Christmas flotilla parade and Santa boat with photo option

Town tree lighting and carol singing with local churches providing cookies, cocoa, and cider

Deck the Halls: local shops in town host a Christmas tree that will be decorated by classes from the town schools

Recipe swap at the library, and a joint Christmas pageant and dinner organized by the churches and various clubs and organizations.

"Sometimes less is more." She said to herself as she perused the chamber of commerce website.

Are you out of your mind Carolyn? You aren't thinking of moving the kids out to Nowheresville Maine! Do you want them moldering away at a subpar school with no opportunities for the arts?

She searched "Schooner Bay schools." They had excellent ratings, low dropout rates, very good SAT scores, and high college entries.

The town had music lessons and a youth orchestra, Little League, sailing lessons, dance classes, and gymnastics.

Schooner Bay was a manageable day's drive to her parent's home. They could visit regularly, and her parents could visit them too.

Boston was an easy drive when they sought a heartier dose of city or culture.

She had a vision of Scruffy and the kids digging clams on the beach, and Jonathan in his new Christmas jammies sitting on the library floor listening to Christmas stories.

The kids were young enough that it would seem like an adventure. And they could do it on a trial basis. It's not like she was going to hurry and buy a house there. They could rent and see how they liked it.

She pictured herself singing in a church choir, something she couldn't do at her parent's church because adult choristers were required to audition, sight-read music, and have several years of experience. The services were truly beautiful, but sometimes they felt more like a performance than a worship service.

Imagining her kids at Gull Cottage didn't give her the sinking feeling or sense of panic that the idea of her mother there did. For all that the original owner had wanted it converted to a home for retired sea captains, the house was more fit for children than old men. All the bedrooms were upstairs and the cottage was full of nooks, crannies, window seats, and cupboards- the sorts of things that children liked.

Carolyn believed that she could write there and give it a real go! She wanted the chance to see if she still had the talent and interest. If not, she'd find a conventional job, but this could be the perfect opportunity to revive her passion for the written word.

"Or are you just trying to run and hide from the challenges of single parenthood? Go someplace where no one knows you and there is no family around to judge you?" She considered this. No, that wasn't it. She had no intention of running from anything, but there wasn't anything wrong with moving towards something that felt right.

She dreaded the discussion she needed to have with her mother. Even if she didn't decide to move to Schooner Bay, the situation couldn't continue like it was. Once she and the kids moved out there was no way she could afford the time and money to entertain the children in the manner they were growing used to.

She didn't want to feel like she'd failed them. The situation was challenging enough without creating an additional opportunity for them to feel disappointed. She knew that her mother would argue that it was unfair of her to take them away from family when they'd already suffered such a loss.

When Carolyn and her brother had been growing up, they hadn't been wealthy. She had participated in several extracurriculars: scouts, piano lessons, two years of dance, cheerleading, and yearbook. She was confident that if she budgeted she could provide those same things for Candy and Jonathan. If they followed her mother's agenda, in a short time nothing would feel special to the kids, because everything was handed to them.

She wanted the children to decide how they spent their time, to choose their individual pursuits, and save their allowance to buy things they treasured. It wasn't fair to deny them those learning opportunities. Her parents had sufficient time and cash, they could easily find their way to Maine, and their visits would be a treat.

Carolyn felt the need for a sounding board, she needed to know that she was thinking clearly and keeping the children's well-being foremost. She decided to discuss it with Pastor Ruth, but first, she would write in her journal, a practice the pastor had encouraged. She'd said it was easier to sort through thoughts when they are on paper rather than whirling around in the mind.

Carolyn had written in the journal a few times, but had felt her old childhood fear that her mother might find it and read it. It was silly-her mother wouldn't violate her privacy. Even if her mother might have done so when Carolyn was a teenager, it would have been out of concern, not disrespect. Still, Carolyn had made a habit of locking her journal in the typewriter case.

"Good fences make good neighbors." She quoted an old poem. "No point in leaving a steak unattended and hoping the dog will have self-control."

She felt good about her plan to speak with the pastor. Before she made any decisions, she would do more research on Schooner Bay and the area. She would make another trip there to see how she felt about it now. "And to see if I still hear voices," she added because she was being honest with herself.

She got up to put the children to bed, but rather than finding them drowsy after their busy day, they were running in circles around the dining room table squealing, stopping once every lap to take a giant spoonful out of huge ice cream sundaes on the table.

"We're having a race!" Jonathan explained, "to see who can finish their ice cream first."

Carolyn stood open-mouthed, wondering whose idea this was. Her question was soon answered when Candy called out. "We saw them do it on Zany Games!" Carolyn was positive it had seemed like loads of fun on the huge television screen.

"Stop. STOP!" She ordered them. "Haven't your father and I told you we do not play with food?"

Jonathan stopped short causing Candy to run into him, which sent him sprawling forward. He grabbed the table to stop his fall, but only got a handful of the tablecloth. His enormous sundae cascaded to the floor.

He burst into tears. Carolyn knew it was not over the loss of the ice cream but because he feared what would happen to him for making such a mess.

"You dummy!" Candy scolded. "Now look what you did!"

"Candace Muir, you do not call your brother, or anyone, a disrespectful name." She stomped towards her. "You go right now and brush your teeth!"

"Darling-" Mrs. Williams began.

"I can't believe you let them do this! You would have spanked Castle and I if we had even suggested such a thing." She was red-faced with disbelief and anger.

"They're just children-"

"Yes, they are, that's why it's important to model appropriate behavior. What kind of adults will they be if they think life is run like a game show?"

"Come on Jonathan. Let's get something to clean this mess up," her father said to the boy. Grandpa had managed to scoop most of the ice cream back into the dish, but there was a puddle of melted cream and strawberry sauce soaking into the carpet.

"It's a grandparent's role to spoil-"

"Do you hear yourself? Spoil? Spoiling isn't something cute and harmless, it's a rot. It spreads." She could have stamped her foot. She was so angry.

"I"m sorry, that was a poor choice of words. I meant indulge," her mother said stiffly, there was a sharp edge in her tone as well.

"It's one thing to take them out for ice cream when they come for a visit, but they're living here! This can't go on day in and day out. How will I ever rein them in again?"

"It was just a game, Carolyn." Her mother pointed out.

Carolyn shook her head, her eyes were hot with tears. She didn't want to say anything else because she feared what might come out of her mouth. Luckily Jonathan and her father returned with paper towels, and penitent looks.

"I'm sorry Mom, I'm sorry Grandma," the boy said, sounding truly sorrowful.

His grandmother opened her mouth to speak, shut it again, and looked at her daughter nervously. "I meant no harm." She said each word carefully.

"I know you didn't…it's just. It's just…all too much." Carolyn pulled out a dining chair and sat down. "I've lost control over so much of my life, but I'm still their mother. I need to be their mother," she sobbed, hoping they would be understood.

"I'm sorry mommy, please don't cry." Jonathan was horrified to see his mother so distraught.

"I know you're sorry. That's not why I'm crying." But how could she explain it to a five-year-old?

He came to her and put his sticky hands around her neck. "I miss Daddy too," he said.

She pulled him into her lap. "I'll always miss your father, but he left me the two most important things in the world. You and Candy." She wound her arms around him.

"Candy is sorry too." Jonathan apologized on his sister's behalf. "She's probably more sorry than me on account of how she got into trouble," he reasoned.

"Jonathan, you know that most of what you see on tv isn't real. They can do things on game shows and in cartoons that we can't do in real life."

He nodded. He knew.

"And you know that we don't play with our food. Sometimes other grown-ups don't know our family's rules. It's OK to tell them that isn't something you're allowed to do. You don't do something just because someone else says it's ok. If you're confused about that, you come and talk to me, OK?"

He nodded again. "Can I brush my teeth now? Grandpa says we'll use the carpet cleaning machine tomorrow."

"That's a good idea." She kissed his head, damp with sweat from running around. "I'll be up in a minute and we'll find you a clean pair of pajamas."

"Yes, Ma'am." He slid off her lap and went to his grandmother. "I'm sorry about the carpet."

"Apology accepted." She gave him a hug. "And I'm sorry that I didn't check with your mother before we began that game."

The grown-ups stood silent until the boy had reached the top of the stairs. "I shouldn't have yelled," Carolyn said.

"Perhaps, but maybe it was the only way I was going to hear you," her mother allowed. "It's been a long day and maybe…well, everything looks better in the morning."

Now that the commotion had died down Scruffy came out from behind a curtain and pranced over to investigate the spot on the floor. He licked the carpet.

"I'll put the kids to bed and take Scruffy for a walk." Carolyn decided.

"It's dark, why don't we just let him out in the back?" Her mother stopped herself. "Whatever you think is best." She turned away.

"Mom, I know you're trying your best and it's just a…a…difficult situation." She had almost said "shitty" but she still couldn't bring herself to swear in front of her parents.

"If you want to take the dog out. I'll put the kids down," her father offered. "Fresh air will do you good."

She nodded then put her coat and boots on, with an excited Scruffy dancing around her. She clipped the leash to his halter and headed out into the freezing night.

There were already a surprising number of houses with their Christmas lights lit. A variety of plastic and inflatable characters were set up on lawns. It was a nice night for a walk, and Carolyn didn't mind letting Scruffy choose the pace as he stopped to sniff at seemingly everything along the sidewalk. Christmas music floated softly toward her from a display down the block.

So many people had made an effort-some more effectively than others, but they were all trying to add beauty to the season. She knew that her family was trying their best as well.

Carolyn knew that she wasn't the perfect daughter or the perfect mother. She would infuriate and disappoint her children both while they were young, and when they were adults. She prayed that they would give her credit for trying.

XXX