I sat alone, like I often did, staring out my window as though the diluted sun that filtered through it would somehow rejuvenate a stagnate heart. The reflection of my face coming into focus when my thoughts returned to the present. Which was only after I'd let my internal monologue return to some rudimentary form of resignation. A stark reminder of my ever persistent reality. Always and constantly myself, despite my own perfunctory ambivalence towards the existence of existing itself. I would oft wonder if others sometimes felt that way, if she felt that way, but my despondency would always arise. Rearing an ugly head to break the surface tension in the pooling hollowness just above the base of my sternum.

Shake it off, I thought, staring blankly into the reflection inside the smudged glass. The look in it's eyes forced my gaze elsewhere, in an attempt to find solace from my own musings. But of course there was no escape, there was never an escape. Only simple distractions. Illusions that would temporarily caudle my brain, forcing it to rest. Though their rarity seemed to be increasing even more as of late. I likened the experience to finding gold in the desert. A days work would produce enough fruit to place a few small pieces in the palm of your hand, but the smile on the diggers face would be the priceless part.

The hardest thing about forcing yourself not to think about something, is trying to force yourself not to think about nothing.

A distraction. I need a distraction.

I felt like I was floating, in a heavy way, as I paled through my house and out the door.

The concentrated sunlight was very different than the filtered rays that seeped into the house, through the blue-tinged glass. The ambiance outside was stale, but I felt like it could've just been me. The particles of matter around me seemed to buzz with an energy I just couldn't atune to. Like someone had just turned down the dial on my vibrational frequency.

Shake it off.

I would continue to remind himself of the notion all the way to the training grounds. Repeating the mantra even as I hoisted myself into my favorite tree. When I could smell the earthy tones of the leaves was about the time I started feeling the heat of the sun. Simultaneously, I noticed the intense blue of the sky and the sound of the birds, singing their improv verse. Maybe it was just the exposure to the foliage, but I felt like I could finally breathe again.

On the exhale, I reclined into the trunk of the stalky oak, kicking my feet up to cross them lazily over the branch. I brandished an orange novel, that my nose was typically buried behind.

The distraction worked, if only for a few hours.

When the sun began to set, the natural light source for my book was now too dim to see the words on the page. With a defeated sigh I folded the pre-creased corner of the well-worn paper and marked my favorite spot. I felt like I'd preformed this exact action a hundred times over and experienced a strange sense of deja vu as I rose to my feet on the branch. From this height, I could see above the canopy of the forest. The woods surrounding the village seemed to stretch themselves out in a miles-long full body yawn. I'd always loved how peaceful this place could be.

I let my gaze drift lazily to follow a crow, as it flew silently above the oak.

The startling sound of a twig breaking somewhere behind me snapped me out of this breif mental vacation. Sending me hurtling back into default-shinobi-mode. Almost a base reflex at this point.

"Kakashi-sempai."

The tone of the voice was almost excited, yet somehow reserved. When I spun around and was met with the sight of an old friend and subordinate, I found myself unsurprised as to why.

"Ah, Tenzo-san!"

The man's large eyes met my own and I leapt down to properly greet him at ground level.

"How've you been? I haven't seen you around in a while." The burnette man said with a smile.

Of course, I knew that noone had seen me recently, aside from the grocery store clerk by my place.

"Oh you know, enjoying retirement." I lied.

More like dreading all my free time and the inevitable confrontation I would have to have with a certain kunoichi.

"Spending your days in a lofty tree with a good book seems like a good use of it." The man nodded, approving of his own statement.

I could only laugh.

"How about you? How's guarding ol' snakey boy?" I jested in return, remembering the man's assignment to Orochimaru.

"Not nearly as interesting as reading Icha Icha."

We laughed together and began walking back towards the village.

The yellowing leaves that drifted to the ground were still flexible with the last traces of life clinging to their pores.

" Actually I came out here to find you." The man admitted after a while.

"Oh, so this is business then?" I said quietly, trying to disguise my disappointment.

"Well, I asked if I could be the one to come find you. You should come out with us tonight. Get some sake."

"Is this the business part or?"

"Oh, no, that was purely personal." He laughed at the admittance. "The business part is just that the Hokage wants to see you sometime tomorrow."

Good. An excuse to see Naruto. There was never a dull moment with the Uzamaki, so I reveled in the fact it would be an amazing distraction.

"So, drinks tonight?"

Also a great distraction.


I was trying to get her out of my head on my walk to the bar. Something I'd been persistently doing for the entire week. When she'd left my house that day we still hadn't discussed much. We'd run into eachother only once since and it had been painfully awkward. She had blushed upon seeing me, I tried to ask her to dinner but she'd been busy with work. Now Sarada was back from her trip with her father and the subject of my turmoil was busy again with her job and daughter. Too busy, apparently, to bother visiting me. I supposed I couldn't complain too much because I hadn't made the short journey to her place to see her either.

Despite this, I couldn't help but feel a little used. She had seemed like she'd had so much to say when she was on my couch. I was truthfully beginning to feel like I shouldn't have given in to her advances. Like I had done something wrong.

I shoved those thoughts down when I joined Tenzo and Genma at the bar.

"Kakashi! So glad you could grace us with your presence." The longer haired one said from behind a protruding senbon. Tenzo only smiled and pushed a glass of fresh sake in my direction.

I proceeded to get thoroughly wasted. Something I rarely let myself do in public. Hoping, from somewhere deep inside myself, that it would drown out my thoughts of her. Even though I knew it wouldn't.

Of course. I thought when she entered the doors, arm and arm with Ino.

I sighed. If she had time to go out, and hadn't let me know, she was obviously no longer all that interested.

My heart twisted beneath my flak jacket and I was suddenly feeling too drunk to deal with it all. When she didn't approach me, even though she clearly saw me, I excused myself.

I stood outside breathing in the mugginess of the evening. Smells of food and liquor drifting past pleasantly. It was almost a nice night.

My drunkenness began to weigh on my limbs and I drug my feet along with my body, propelling myself forwards away from the bar.

"Kakashi?"

It was her of course. But even though I'd longed to see her, I wasn't excited at the sound of her voice. I felt utterly rejected.

"Oh! Sakura-chan!" I said spinning around sloppily. I would usually try and remain collected, but something in me was not my usual collected self that evening. "Howre you?" I asked almost sarcastically.

"You're pretty drunk." She laughed cautiously.

"Hadn't noticed." I said behind a false smile.

"Are you okay?" She asked, with a small smile pulling at the sides of her lips. I couldn't help but let my gaze linger on them for a little too long.

"Fine. Great actually." I said, fixing my gaze on hers as steadily as I could in my current state. She was rather blurry, I was noticing. Suddenly I felt her hands on my elbow, and with them came a steadiness I hadn't realized I was missing. I looked at her again and her face was a mix of concern and amusement.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy. Genma said I'd be able to find you here tonight."

I felt my gaze soften in contemplation.

"I stopped by earlier but you weren't home."

"Oh." Was all I could manage. Feeling bad for being so reckless, but still unable to reel it in.

"Can I walk you home?"

"Oh, I don't know." I tried to free myself of her grasp but she held firm when my balance was nearly lost. " last time you came over you didn't talk to me for a week so."

"Are you upset?" I could see her pink brows furrowing at me, but I couldn't bring down the gaurd I'd been building up all week.

"No! I just-" I didn't have the words to lie to her. She smelled so nice and felt so warm. Her small hands were so firm against my arms. I leaned into her hold instinctively.

She only let me fall into her embrace, her arms snaking around me in a sweet hug.

"I missed you." She whispered into my hair.

"I missed you too." I sighed in admittance. Burying my face in her neck and pulling her closer in a drunken hazs.

I was distantly aware that my composure had left me sometime at the bar, but I was thankful she didn't seem to mind.

"I'm sorry" I muttered after a moment.

"For what?" She said, still hugging me.

"For being so rude. I just thought you maybe didn't want to see me."

"Why wouldn't I want to see you?" She pulled back, giving me a serious look. To which I shrugged, feeling increasingly unsteady. My verbal filter completely dissipating.

"I dunno-like maybe I did something wrong." I said hoping I didn't sound as drunk as I felt.

She offered me a slight smile.

"That's really sweet." I was losing track of the details surrounding me, but I noticed her apologetic blush clearly. "Let's get you home, okay?"

I nodded and let her guide me, her hand intertwined with mine. I felt foolish for doubting her, doubting myself. Maybe a little foolish for getting so belligerent too.


By the time we got back to my place I was heavily relying on her to keep my balance. When she reached in my pants pocket for my keys I couldn't contain the small giggle that escaped me. Her blush was just adorable.

"Are you trying to take advantage of me, Sakura?" I asked playfully, it only deepened the flush to her skin. She rolled her eyes at me and used her free hand to unlock my door, pushing it open forcefully enough that it guided itself to gently bump against the foyer wall.

"You're so drunk." She said laughing. I could only nod in agreement while I admired her smile. It was the only thing that didn't look out of focus as my equilibrium struggled to keep up with my movements.

"Are you hungry or anything?" She asked as she helped me sit on my couch.

"No. I ate earlier." I slurred out, letting my head relax on my couch.

"Well I'm going to get you some water."

By the time I'd lazily lifted my head to look at her, she was already back at my side; gently handing me a cold glass and urging me to drink some.

"I must be really drunk." I said bluntly.

"You feeling okay?"

I felt her weight shift me on the cushions and noticed she was sitting.

"Better now." I said as she slid her arm to rest behind my shoulders. Her warmth was comforting. I only vaguely recognized her concerned expression when I gave her my best reassuring smile.

"I'm sorry I'm a mess tonight." I said sighing and when I went for another sip of water I begrudgingly noticed that she must have pulled my mask down when she brought the glass; engendering another sigh. I shook my head in an attempt to sober up some.

"I think sitting is helping."

She giggled a little before responding.

"I would say so, its okay I'll take care of you."

It was quiet for a second and when the room slowly stopped spinning I was acutely aware of her proximity and how she smelled like honey and flowers.

"I'm sorry I havnt come back around I should've been more considerate." She said quietly and rested her head on the arm that was slung around me, bringing her face closer to my shoulder.

"It's okay, I shouldn't have been so insecure."

" You got insecure?" She said disbelievingly.

Now I was feeling embarrassed. I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I was being unusually honest. But I was finding it hard to control.

I only nodded slowly, trying to maintain some semblance of my dignity.

"I'm sorry." She breathed.

"You don't need to be."

"But I am. We should still talk about everything." She hesitated only briefly before adding "when you've sobered up a bit of course."

We both laughed and I let my head fall to rest on hers, my hands fidgeting nervously with my glass. Her hair was soft against my jaw and we sat like that for what felt like forever. Eventually she stirred beneath me.

"Kakashi?"

"Hm?"

"Which ones your bedroom? I want to help you get in bed before I go."

"You'll have to go. Right. Sarada's probably waiting for you."

"She's actually staying at Naruto's tonight. I'm just tired and don't want to fall asleep before I help you get comfortable." She whispered.

"You don't have to go." I whispered back. I felt her tense beside me and couldn't help the pang of sadness at the thought of her rejection.

"I just don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of you while you're drunk. You were nice enough to help me and you didn't-"

"We don't have to have sex, Sakura." I cut in, a little offended. Only a little. "I want you to sleep with me." I admitted. My voice barely audible above my embarrassment. I could feel my own cheeks beginning to flood with excess blood and my ears got warmer.

"Okay." She said just as quietly.

She stood up and offered me her hand with a small smile. When I took it and stood I could tell I was beginning to sober up a little. Thank the gods.

I guided her to my bedroom. A modest boring space. My faded navy blue comforter looking cozier than ever when she pulled it back and let me sit. She slid my sandals off my feet and tucked them behind my door. When she returned to me, she pushed my flak jacket off my shoulders and I rested my palms on the bed to prop myself up; watching her neatly fold it and place it on the dresser.

"How do you like to sleep-or what do you like to sleep in?" She asked, stammering her words nervously.

"Come here." I replied unmoving. She approached slowly, almost cautiously and stood in front of me.

I waited for a moment and motioned with my head for her to come closer.

Her hands came to rest on my thighs as she leaned her face down towards me, giving me the slightest peak of skin below her tunic collar. I could feel my heart rate increasing and couldn't break the loop of watching her lips move and gauging the slight sparkle in her eyes while she looked at me. When I noticed her breath catch in her throat I leaned towards her and pressed my lips gently against hers, letting them linger there for only a moment before moving to her cheek and planting a soft kiss there as well. She was pressing more of her weight onto my thighs and getting closer, I felt like it was almost unconsciously as she leaned into me. I rested my cheek against hers, my palms still flat on the bed behind me; my inner knees resting on the outsides of her own.

"Just my boxers please." I finally answered her question and laughed to my self a little when her breathing finally resumed. I was glad I had some kind of effect on her, like she had on me.

She nodded in acknowledgement and her hands moved to my waist line, her finger tips lightly brushing my hips. I leaned back to give her access to the button and zipper and found I was holding my own breath when her fingers looped beneath the fabric and brushed my lower abdomen. The skin there even more exposed moments later when the tension release from the button. I watched her eyes travel down my torso and her hands were just slightly unsteady as she pulled down my zipper. I could see her eyes traveling even further down and decided to relieve her of the anticipation.

I sat forward, uncaring that I was in her personal space. Bringing my face inches from hers and moving to stand despite her proximity. It caused her to gasp and straighten herself in time to move out of my way, but I maintained steady eye contact with her. A second later I was standing, with her only an inch in front of me, looking down at her intensely. I knew what I was doing but I just wanted to be close to her. I grabbed her hands and guided them to rest on my hips as I pulled my shirt above my head.

The look in her eyes was driving my desire insane. I tossed my shirt to some unseen corner of the room and before I could stop myself my hand was tangled in her hair. I leaned down and kissed her again. This time more deeply, she responded with the slightest dip of her tongue in between my lips. I groaned against her movement and my other hand wrapped around her waist to the small of her back. Pulling her against me I admired the smoothness of the skin there. Her hands traveled over my torso in sheer curiosity. When the kiss subsided I let go of her and she let herself fall back from her tip toes to her heels. I hadn't even noticed she'd been stretching to meet me until then. I smiled at her as I let my pants finally fall around my ankles before slumping back on to the bed and kicking them to the floor.

"What do you sleep in?" I asked playfully, narrowing my eyes at her and letting my gaze linger over her.

She grinned at me and turned to the corner of the room, grabbing something off the floor. When she returned to the single ray of moonlight coming from my window I could see she had my discarded shirt.

"Can I sleep in this?" The shyness in her voice produced butterflies in my stomach and I nodded affirmatively.

She lifted her red tunic above her head and avoided eye contact as she slid her black shorts to the floor. I let my eyes fall with them admiring her legs, her panties, her abdomen. When she removed her bra I kept eye contact with her, unable or unwilling to hide the smile tugging at my lips as I watched the black fabric of my shirt graze over her breasts.

"You're beautiful." I said when she was finished changing.

"You are too." Her voice was breathless and it made me want to pull her close again.

Instead I moved up onto the bed. Resting on my side and patting the spot next to me. She pulled the covers over both of us as she snuggled in closely. I was hesitant to touch her for some reason. Like artwork hanging in a museum as her head nuzzled into my pillow. She turned towards me and lightly kissed my chest before resting her forehead in the same space and snaking an arm around my waist.

Laying down, my drunkenness had returned some, and soon I was falling asleep in her arms. Pulling her closer and tangling our legs together, I breathed in her scent.

I hadn't known sleep, like I did that night, in many years.