Larry's older brother, Bob the Cucumber, once dated a gal who did not get along with his cat, Mr. Waffles. It got so bad that the veggie woman at last gave Bob an ultimatum: "Either the cat goes, or I go!"
Bob wisely chose the cat.
"'A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast,'" he told his brothers afterwards, quoting Proverbs 12:10. Bob usually didn't talk much, but he could quote a lot of scriptures.
Larry, Steve and Mark all agreed with him. Girlfriends might come and go, but pets were family.
"And you don't turn your back on family!" Larry declared.
Mr. Waffles eventually did approve of a nice celery girl, whom Bob happily married a few years later. That was a lesson for the four cucumber brothers: pick someone who did not try to come between you and the animals who loved and relied on you.
The thought was always at the back of Larry's mind whenever one of his friends began dating someone new. It occasionally popped up in his recollection when he fed his hamster, Squeaky, but it started occurring more often after he adopted his beloved dog, a great, big, furry hound which he had dubbed Harry the Cuke-a-poo. When he walked Harry around the block or to the dog park, he found himself watching to see how women veggies regarded the lovable hound. When he took Harry to the vet, he sometimes glanced at the ladies in the waiting room, mildly curious to see if they liked his dog. When he drove Harry to the studio for Bring Your Pet to Work Day, he inadvertently observed how his lady co-workers acted around his pooch.
Miss Achmetha was, of course, over the moon about all things canine-related, though Larry did not see himself ever progressing toward a deeper relationship with her. Madame Blueberry was tolerant of the massive hound, but she preferred full-blooded French poodles over cuke-a-poos. Penelope Pear was allergic to dogs, and Mable Asparagus was a little wary of larger breeds. Petunia Rhubarb laughed when Harry bounded over to her, wanting to lick her face and receive pets. That actually made Larry smile, and he was surprised when a happy sigh escaped him.
Needless to say — but Larry would say it anyway — when he finally realized he liked Petunia as more than a friend, one of the things that encouraged him to ask her out was the knowledge that she would get along with his pets.
A few years later, however, after he and Petunia had settled down with their hamster and lovable dog, Larry found himself facing a far different pet dilemma.
Fortunately, he just happened to meet Miss Achmetha at the 7-Eleven when he was picking up snacks for Petunia.
"How's she been since she's gone on maternity leave?" his friend asked as she picked out a few cans of dog food.
"Keeping busy," Larry replied. "A few pet projects, easy exercises, getting the baby's room ready. That sort of stuff."
Miss Achmetha straightened to her full height, which towered above Larry. Her eyes grew concerned.
"Have you guys been able to walk Harry at all? It must be difficult for Petunia to manage a big dog with the baby bump, but if you need a dog walker, I could lend a hand."
"A dog whisperer would be better," Larry sighed.
Miss Achmetha looked briefly surprised, but then she smiled.
"Would you like my card then?" she asked, opening her purse.
"Would you like to come to my house instead?" Larry returned.
After making their purchases, Miss Achmetha followed him in her car, and they drove the two blocks to his house. Harry met them at the door, whining and trying to give Miss Achmetha slobbery kisses, which she happily accepted.
"He's just a lovey-dovey good boy, yes, he is," she cooed.
"Give him a moment," Larry sighed.
He tried to maneuver around Harry with his shopping bag. Petunia was on the center seat cushion of the couch with her favorite book, Pride and Pre-juice-dice, which she used to wave to her husband and Miss Achmetha.
"Look who I ran into," Larry said, nodding toward Miss Achmetha. "The puppy wrangler herself."
Petunia nodded, at once comprehending. "You told her about Harry's problem?"
"A little bit," Larry answered, starting to hand her the snacks.
At once, Harry stopped licking Miss Achmetha's face and bolted to the couch. He leapt onto the right seat cushion. He draped his forelegs over Petunia's lap, staring intently at Larry.
Miss Achmetha broke into a grin. "Aw! He loves his veggie mommy."
"Yeah," Larry said flatly. "He's been extra affectionate with Petunia, even before we knew we were expecting."
"What seems to be the problem?" his friend asked. "He's just being a good boy."
"Watch."
He moved as non-threateningly as he could toward his wife. "Wow, I think I'd like to sit next to my Sweet, Sweet Petunia."
Harry's long ears immediately flattened. A low growl rumbled in his throat.
"Harry, no," Petunia said firmly. "Don't growl at Daddy."
Larry sank on the couch next to Petunia. The normally goofy hound began to show his teeth. Larry gave his dog a stern look.
"Harry, that's not nice," he said.
The hound adjusted his foreleg over Petunia's lap, as if trying to shield her.
"Now, watch this," Larry said to Miss Achmetha. He reached for a tissue on the sofa table beside him. "If I come close to Petunia's at all, even to help her with something, he acts like I'm the bad guy."
He brushed the tissue over Petunia's belly as though to dust off imaginary crumbs. Harry promptly barked at him — a sharp bark, as if the cucumber were on the same danger level as the mailman.
"Harry, no," Petunia scolded. "Use your indoor voice."
Larry shook the tissue in lieu of having a finger to wag at him. "Harry, that's my baby."
The dog barked again, as if saying the cucumber's rights to cuddle with his wife and child had been revoked. Larry turned helplessly to Miss Achmetha. The tall onion watched them thoughtfully.
"And what about when Petunia's not around?" she asked.
"That's the thing," Larry exhaled. "He remembers he loves me then, and he'll play and snuggle like nothing's happened."
Miss Achmetha nodded and addressed Petunia. "Can you go into another room, hon?"
"If he'll let me." Petunia began to nudge Harry. "C'mon, Mommy needs to get up."
It took a few tries, but Harry at last slid to the floor, still tense. He followed Petunia as she made her careful way to the master bedroom, and he tried to enter with her, but she pushed him back and shut the door.
It was like someone flipped a switch. Harry turned toward his master and began wagging his tail. He scampered over and leapt up to lick Larry's cheek, whimpering as if to say, "Where were you? I've missed you so much!"
"See?" Larry sighed. "He remembers he's my dog when it's just us."
Harry rested his paws on Larry as if trying to give him a hug, and he laid his furry head against Larry's cheek. If he could speak, he would probably say, "World's best dog dad!"
Larry used his intangible touch to scratch behind his hairy ears.
"What if he keeps doing this after the baby is born?" Larry asked, frustrated. "Is he gonna growl at me every time I try to hold my own baby? Will he still growl after the baby becomes a teenager? Or after the baby graduates from college?"
Miss Acmetha chuckled. "Probably not."
Larry lifted his head, hopeful. "No?"
Miss Achmetha hopped over and picked up a doggy comb from the coffee table, running it through Harry's long fur.
"The good news is that he'll probably stop once Petunia gives birth," she smiled. "Some scientists believe dogs act aggressively around their pregnant owners because their widdle doggy noses can pick up on the hormone changes. Once Mommy isn't pregnant, Doggy goes back to normal, and Daddy is no longer a threat."
Larry nodded, brightening. "The nose knows."
"And Petunia's due date is in a couple of weeks, right?"
"The Twenty-fourth."
"So, not much longer then!"
Harry leaned over and tried to lick Miss Achmetha's face again, but he seemed to change his mind, turning back to Larry. He bumped his head against his owner, as if to say, "More pets! More attention! More love!"
Larry obliged him by taking the comb from Miss Achmetha and scratching Harry behind his ear. The dog leaned into the bristles, closing his eyes contently.
"Talk about a Jekyll and Hyde act," Larry remarked, smiling wryly. He slumped a little. "My other concern is, what if Harry gets so protective of Petunia that he attacks me? Or he accidentally knocks her over and hurts the baby?"
"That is a doozy." Miss Achmetha thinned her lips. "On the one paw, you know Harry doesn't understand what's happening, but you have to protect yourself and your family."
"And a lot can happen between now and the Twenty-fourth," Larry added, grimacing. "I've been praying about this, and I love Harry, but if anything happened to Petunia or my kid…"
He trailed off, unable to finish. He quickly gave Harry a little hug, trying to banish the gruesome images that played across his mind.
Miss Achmetha watched them thoughtfully, her large eyes sympathetic. After a moment, her face lit up.
"Well, Larry, I don't mind pup sitting while Petunia's on maternity leave."
Larry looked at her in surprise. "You don't have to do that. You're already taking care of all your other pooches."
Her eyes glittered. "Have you met me? I'm fully equipped to take care of a Great Dane if I wanted. Harry won't be a problem."
Larry began to feel cheerful. "If you really feel up to it, maybe we could try it out."
She gave a little jump of excitement.
"Great! Just let me get things ready at my house, and I can pick him up tomorrow." She began to list off a few chores. "I can wash the spare doggy bed, buy some extra doggy treats, get all my puppies ready for a new bunkmate. Oooh, we can make doggy s'mores after dinner!"
"Sounds like camping," Larry smiled.
"In a way, it is," she grinned back.
They discussed a few more details, and Larry wrote out a list of Harry's favorite doggy biscuits, walking times and Jerry Lewis films. With everything settled, Larry escorted Miss Achmetha to her car.
"Thanks for all this!" he beamed as she buckled her seatbelt. "I owe you one!"
The green onion chuckled. "Well, 'Achmetha' will make a good middle name for a baby cucumber. Just sayin'."
Larry waved an enthusiastic goodbye as she drove off, and after giving Harry a good belly rub, he put his furry pal outside to run around. Larry then turned toward the bedroom, eager to tell Petunia about the new development.
She was sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard, propped up with her share of the pillows. She flipped through Larry's latest issue of Veggie Beet Magazine. Since she didn't like using her reading lamp on bright days, she had the curtains opened to let in the sunshine.
"Good news! Harry will be going to doggy summer camp!" Larry told Petunia as he bounded in.
Petunia only blinked once. She was used to her husband saying random things and took it in stride. "In April?"
Larry quickly explained what Miss Achmetha had suggested.
"He's gonna make some new puppy friends, and they'll play games and eat s'mores!"
"Sounds like Harry will have a blast," Petunia smiled.
"Yeah!" Larry agreed. "At least I hope he does…"
His grin began to fade. In the midst of his relief, another possibility presented itself. Larry sighed a little and sat on the bed.
"I just hope Harry doesn't think we're abandoning him," he confessed to Petunia. "I mean, his last owner dumped him. We're not punishing Harry, but he won't understand that."
"That is a possibility," Petunia admitted, "but what can we do?"
Larry flopped back, staring up at the ceiling. "The Bible says, 'A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast.' Am I regarding Harry properly?"
"I think so," said Petunia, laying the magazine to the side in order to turn herself toward him. "You're not dumping him on the side of the road or cruelly keeping him chained up without food or water. You're letting a dog-lover watch him, and you know Miss Achmetha is going to be pampering him night and day."
"Yeah," Larry said, rolling on his side, "but pets are family. Am I treating my family right?"
Petunia's eyes grew serious. "Larry, you're protecting your family. How would you feel if you had to give Harry away — or put him down — because he accidentally hurt you, or the baby?"
Larry maneuvered his head to look up at her sadly. "That's the thing. I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to the baby."
He looked at Petunia's belly. On a sudden impulse, Larry crawled over to lay his head gently on the crest, listening for the little one.
"Too precious to risk hurting," he said quietly as he felt a soft kick. From the ultrasounds, it was clear the baby was a cucumber, and already energetic like Larry.
"Then maybe Miss Achmetha showing up at the store was a divine appointment," Petunia suggested. "God is already looking after the baby."
Larry nodded, resigned but also relieved. He knew Petunia cared about Harry too, and she normally wouldn't send him packing, like how his brother's ex-girlfriend tried to do to Mr. Waffles. Petunia was just being a good mom, both to the little cucumber and to their dog.
"You're a wonderful woman, Petunia," he told her.
"You're pretty nifty yourself," she returned.
Petunia opened a drawer in her nightstand and pulled out a soft hairbrush. Although Larry did not have hair, her brush felt so nice against his scalp that it made for a nice massage. He closed his eyes contently, almost like Harry would when getting his ears scratched, as she ran it over his head.
"I really hope Harry mellows out for the next baby," he murmured.
Petunia left off brushing to tickle his nonexistent ear with the soft bristles. "You're already thinking about the next one?"
Larry started a little, chuckling sheepishly. "Well, ah, if you don't mind. No harm in just thinking, right?"
"Hmm." She glided the soft brush down his face in a caress, her eyes glittering with laughter. "I guess I'll allow it, since you're so cute."
"You're cuter," he grinned. "Cute eyes, cute nose, cute lips."
"Yeah?"
Larry scooted up the bed. "In fact, lips as cute as them ought to get a few…"
Her eyes positively radiated warmth. Larry leaned forward tenderly.
"Woof."
Larry's pursed lips formed a frown, and he turned his head toward the window.
The curtains framed Harry's disapproving furry face. When Larry's gaze fell upon him, Harry pointed two digits of his paw at his narrow eyes, then swung them toward Larry, before he sank down slowly below the windowsill, out of view except for his messy head fur.
Petunia blinked a few times before she smiled at Larry. "At least the baby will have a loyal watchdog."
Larry exhaled, slumping against her. "Maybe we could try enrolling Harry in obedience school."
THE END
An acknowledgement to Anita10 for sharing videos of dogs trying to "protect" their pregnant owners from the fathers.
