All familiar characters belong to Janet. Mistakes are mine. The first three lines are a writing prompt I saw online.
"How drunk were you last night?"
"Well, I still have my pants on, so not that drunk?"
"Those aren't your pants."
I glanced down and realized Mary Lou's right. I'm in a pair of Ranger's sweatpants … not the jeans I had been wearing when I'd met her, Connie, and Lula at the bar for a drink to celebrate Mare getting a part-time job that doesn't involve taking care of children.
"Shit."
Mary Lou pushed past me and walked into my apartment, not hiding the fact that she's casing my place.
"Is he still here?"
"Who? Ranger?"
"Duh! I know you're hung over, but you're not usually this slow after a night of drinking. Yes, Ranger! Normally, if a man's pants are here, so is the man."
I rested my head against the edge of the door, took a deep breath, and then finally closed it in resignation. "There's your first mistake, Mare. Nothing normal happens with me. If these were cargo pants - not that Ranger's cargoes would fit me, he has a lot of muscles and other stuff to tuck into them - there would be a chance of Batman being nearby. But he keeps sweats here on the off chance he can talk me into a workout with him."
Mary Lou's disappointment was so strong, her excitement and body sunk low enough that she ended up sitting on my couch.
"This conversation is going from sad to depressing real quick. The only thing more disappointing than Ranger putting pants on you instead of taking them off, is you getting into them yourself because you were 'relaxed' enough to admit to yourself that you wanted to be close to him … or at least to his pants."
"It's too early for this," I whined.
"It's twelve-thirty … in the afternoon. I only have two hours until the boys get home to discuss this, so I'm going straight to the meaty parts."
Every version of that comment has me feeling nauseous. Mary Lou talking about food is making my stomach roll. And her saying anything about Ranger's 'meat' is just plain disturbing.
"I don't think I changed," I finally confessed. "I remember sitting on the couch and having an in-depth conversation with Rex. And then … nothing."
Mary Lou tsked. "If you think you were having a meaningful discussion with a hamster who doesn't even notice you're here half the time, you were worse off than you think."
Normally, I would've shoved her for not appreciating how different my hamster is from your run-of-the-mill ball of fluff, but what I'd just said kicked in. When I heard Mary Lou pounding on my door, I rolled out of my bed, not off the couch.
"What?" Mare asked, catching either my silence or the expression on my face.
"I remember zoning out on the couch, but I just got out of my bed …"
"Ranger DID get you into his pants!" She yelled with a volume I wasn't braced for.
While I was still trying to get my brain to stop pulsing, I jumped three feet when a second person knocked on my front door.
"It's freakin' Grand Central Station here today," I mumbled to myself
"I bet it's Ranger," Mary Lou said, her cheeks going pink in anticipation. "He always shows up when we're talking about him. And he'll know by now that not only did you go out last night, you didn't go out this morning."
Little does she know that he's known where I am almost every minute of the day since the first time I called him for help.
"He has a life and a business to run, Mare. He can't babysit me 24/7. Plus, he doesn't tend to knock. He prefers to keep his lock-picking skills fine-tuned."
I did hear his voice in my head telling me to use the peephole as it's intended, and my mouth dropped open when I saw it was Cal holding a McDonald's bag and a large Coke.
"Wha …" was all I managed to get out when I opened the door.
"Ranger seemed to be ready to end civilization if I didn't get these fries and Coke to you. He was planning on delivering them himself, but his daughter called and …"
"Is Julie alright?" I asked, momentarily forgetting all about how awful I feel and The Cure to my misery that Cal's holding.
"As far as I know. I think they're talking about birthday crap."
Since Ranger's birthday is in August, it had to be Julie's or another family member's birth date coming up.
"I'm glad nothing's wrong," I said, suddenly not knowing what to say.
"No shit. Life isn't guaranteed when the Boss is stressed." He shoved the fast food at me. "I tried to get here before the fries got cold …"
Finally, I managed some semblance of a smile. "They'll do the trick hot or cold, but I'll be sure to tell Ranger that you went above and beyond the call of duty."
His relief was physical.
"Thank you for getting and guarding my food," I added. "I'll repay the favor tomorrow with doughnuts."
Now he almost smiled and actually relaxed a little. "If you get a devil's food one for me, I'll volunteer to be The Cure's chauffeur permanently."
"Three devilishly-chocolate doughnuts coming up. Let's hope I don't 'celebrate' enough to require that kind of driver though."
"The Boss appeared concerned when he rolled into the building about an hour before dawn, which made us worry."
"Wait, Ranger wasn't scheduled for a patrol. He should've been at Rangeman all day and last night 'barring an emergency'."
"According to Vince, Ranger was here not long after you got dropped off. As a head's up, he wasn't too pleased with Connie, Lula, and Mary Lou for allowing you access to more than a soda."
I heard a squeak behind me. Cal heard it too and his eyebrows went up. "That was Mary Lou," I quickly explained. My apartment might be a rat trap, but I don't want any of the guys to think they actually heard one. "She came by to check on me, so maybe Ranger will focus more on Connie, Lula, and obviously me for agreeing to a Girls' Night Out. Mare will be no fun to torture. She does that all on her own."
"Tell Ranger I'm sorry, and that it'll never happen again!" Mary Lou shouted from the safety of my bedroom it sounds like.
"See?" I said to Cal. "She sucks the joy out of tormenting her."
"I'll pass that along."
"Thanks … for that and for the food."
"No problem."
He turned and then was gone. No one will ever convince me that there isn't some secret portal outside my apartment that spits out RangeMen and then beams them right back to the building when their mission has been completed.
"You need to call him," were the first words out of Mary Lou's mouth when she reappeared in my living room.
"Ranger?"
She sighed and then poked the fast-food bag that's now in my hand. "Do us all a favor and eat a handful of fries and wash them down with two slurps of soda so I don't have to repeat or explain every single thing I'm about to say. You really need to stick to one beer or a half-glass of wine. We all suffer when you don't."
I sacrificed one three-inch piece of fried potato just so I can hit her in the head with something.
"I'm serious, Steph. Not many men would do what Ranger has done for you. If you saw him as just a friend, that'd be different. But I know you. And I know you love/LOVE him. Don't you think you owe it to both of you to see where that could go?"
I didn't want to answer that, so I said the only thing I could think of to get her to let this go. "You're right. I need to call Ranger."
Her know-it-all smile was literally blinding. "I'll let myself out. Tell your Man of Mystery I said 'Hi', that I really am sorry for not slowing the wine flow last night, and thank him for me for taking care of you."
"You're impossible," I complained, which only made her smile grow.
"I know, and you love me for it. I'll go, but … CALL … HIM."
"Yes, Mom."
"You'd be a lot happier if I were your mom."
She isn't wrong. To irritate me further, she blew me a kiss like her youngest does and then left a lot quieter than she'd arrived.
"Well, Rex," I said a beat later. "What should I do?"
I refused to admit Mary Lou was right, that this is part of the percentage of time my roommate refuses to acknowledge my existence.
"Alright. Call and thank Batman it is."
"Hey, Babe," were the words I heard less than a phone-ring later.
"Hey yourself. Sooooo, I just received your hangover killer. How exactly did you know I needed one?"
"You went somewhere with Lula, and it was a place that served alcohol. Those two together never bode well for you."
That made me pause. He's right. Too much of both get me into trouble every time.
"You have a point."
"I have more than a point. How are you feeling?"
"Stupid."
"I meant physically."
I sighed. "I'm okay. Mary Lou just left after waking me up in a couple different ways. You were here, weren't you?"
His slight hesitation wouldn't be noticed by someone who doesn't know him. But I like to think I have an insider's knowledge of him.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright," he finally told me.
"And you decided to dress me up …"
"You were half-asleep, talking about needing to change first when I lifted you up to carry you to your room. I just did the job before tucking you in. Alcohol is known to lower a body's temperature, and the little shorts you normally wear to bed wouldn't do shit to prevent that."
"Thank you. Mary Lou said to thank you for her too."
"I have no doubt you would've been okay if I hadn't shown up, but I'm glad I was there."
"Me too," I admitted. "I don't say it enough, but I really do appreciate everything you do - and have done - for me. I know I'm not easy …"
He cut me off. "I disagree. You're too easy to love. That's always been my problem."
That had me going quiet again, but only for a beat. "Care to elaborate on that?"
"Not unless you're ready to hear it."
Shit. Mary Lou was right a-freakin'-gain! I willed myself to really think about how his words made me feel. Happy, I decided. I'm happy because Ranger loves me probably even more than I love him. And I suddenly realize that I love him the same way, and also completely different, than I love Grandma Mazur and Mary Lou. That's significant because I can't say I've ever loved anyone unconditionally except those two until he came along and waited out my stupidity.
"Ummm, how about you come over after you're done for the day, and you can elaborate while I listen without arguing or butting in. Fair warning, I might end up jumping your bones three seconds after."
"Did you wash down The Cure with more wine?"
"Nope," I said, smiling wide even though he can't see me. "This is all me … and I'm really hoping you'll take me and never ever leave me once you get here."
"Count on it, Babe. I'll be there before you hit the bottom of your fry box."
