Cow Tetris
(The Magic Milk Arc)
Published by Wimp & Co.
Volume 1
This is the story of a man named Bob. Bob was born in the USSR in 1978. Although wanting a better life, he moved to the U.S in 2000. He moved to Kansas, where he became a farmer. But like every person, he loved different things. He was interested in eating, drinking, killing. But what he loved most, was Tetris. The greatest Russian video game ever produced. One day, in 2008, Bob was playing Tetris on his computer. He was so close to winning, but the Wi-Fi died. So, now, he couldn't play his favourite game. So he sat by the window, looking out. And he saw his cows, wandering around in the field, just going about their daily business. But as Bob was watching the cows, a little idea came to him. What if… he thought to himself. What if… So Bob ran downstairs, hit his head on the wall at the end, and went outside. And when Bob came out into the field where all the cows were, he couldn't help but, observe the marvellous nature of these creatures. How they step, how they eat, how they get fatter day by day and couldn't give a stuff about it. But to Bob, just to watch these magnificent creatures at a distance, was breath-taking. And with that, Bob decided to gather the cows all into the barn, to play his favourite game. Bob gathered all the cows and hay bales into the barn, and prepared for the game's start. As the time came for Round 1, Bob started stacking. Bob got on the top floor of the barn, and dropped the cows onto the ground. And because of the geometric nature of these cows, they acted as if they were Tetris blocks. So Bob kept stacking and stacking, round after round. Until he got to Round 4…
Volume 2
When Bob dropped Cow #154, it got stuck in the stack of cows. Now Bob couldn't have that, he needed a clean pile. So Bob got down, saw the trapped cow in distress, and started pushing it out. Bob put both his hands on the cow's bottom, pushing with all of his strength. But the cow won't budge. So Bob had to get a bit more… experimental. Bob kept pushing with all his might for a prolonged period of time, but, in vain, couldn't get the cow to move. "Damn it!", cursed Bob, and slapped the cow's ass in anger. The cow liked it. "I'll try one more time", said Bob. And with that, Bob kept pushing, and pushing, but, accidently, Bob's right hand slipped and went into the cow's asshole. The cow mooed with surprise, but then the cow started to feel pleasurable about it. And remember… Bob was still pushing during all of this. So Bob kept pushing, making his right hand to go up and down inside of the cow's asshole. The cow started to moo orgasmically, as Bob's hand kept going up and down inside of him. But has Bob tried to stop, the cow wouldn't let him. "Keep going, Bob", said the cow, in a creepy perverted voice. So Bob had to go faster. And the faster Bob went, the more pleasure the cow felt. "Mmmmm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaah", said the cow, feeling way too much orgasmic. "Please let me stop", pleaded Bob, with the talking, rectangular cow. "You gonna keep pushing the insides of me for all eternity Bob, until I explode", said the cow, reaching peak insanity levels. So Bob kept pushing, as hard, and as fast as he can. The then cow started moaning again. "oooooooohoohhohhhh, yes! Keep doing it! OH! Wait! I think I'm go- I think I'm gonna expLOOOOOOOD-!"
Volume 3
Steve The Cow exploded everywhere. With milk, body parts and other fluids, going all over the barn. It went on the walls, on you and all the other cows. Although, no one knew that Steve The Cow was actually a God, and his milk was actually magic milk. Although his milky magic had different effects on different lifeforms. When the milk landed on you, it turned you're *ahem* noodle, into a banana. You were outraged! But feeling healthier due to a rise in potassium. But that was the least of you're problems. The magical milky magic that landed on the cows turned them into sentient, very sexual active cows, that liked Russian men that moved to the U.S and was a farmer as well. So they picked you. Although a bit upset that you're *ahem* noodle, was now a banana, it was still suckable at least. After Steve the Cow exploded, his soul rose from his corpse and said, "I am now at one with myself. Although our bodily union Bob, was not meant to be. But hopefully my offspring can fill in the gap…". And with that, Steve rose to Heaven, to take his seat next to his father. Now, to the other cows. The other cows couldn't decide on what to do with you, so they decided to hold a national vote, against Bernard the Dairy Cow, and Otis, the carefree cow, from the movie Barnyard, which are all of the cow's favourite movie. In the end, they chose Otis to lead them, and you thought this would be good for you. It was not. Otis shouted into the room, "COWS!", and all the cows waited his command. "RAPE!", he shouted at the top of his lungs, pointing at you. The other cows, um, prepared, themselves and charged right at you. Bob tries to run, but one of the cows grabs your leg with their hoof. That cow tries to make you fall over, which the cow succeeds in doing, and starts to take your clothes off. Although luckily for you, your clothes are really hard to get off for the cows, which at this point, you have about 50 cows surrounding you. So they rip your clothes off very violently, breaking several of your bones in the process, "arghhh!", Bob screams. Steve's offspring have managed to get all your clothes off, except for your underwear. They notice the bulge that you have there. Otis then comes to the front of the cow pack to admire the bulge you have created for them. "We will give you a choice human. You will either willingly take off your underwear and show us the marvel of your banana, or, we will destroy it". Your sweating injuriously, trying to get help. "I know!", says one of the cows. "We'll play Tetris for it!"…
Volume 4
"Whaddaya say Bob?", says Otis, licking his lips infuriously. Seeing the horde of cows around you, Bob collapses due to the pressure and starts crying. "(*sniffs*), will it-(*sniffs*), will it make my dick grow back?". Otis replies with an uplifting quote. "10 times larger baby", says Otis, charmfully. Bob gets up. "(*sniffs*) ok, (*sniffs*), I will acce- (*sneezes*), ugh, accept your offer". "EXCELLENT!", said Otis, with a bit of a voice crack. "Let the gameEEEEEEEEEES… BEGIN1", again, Otis said with his voice going to 200 decibels. There was a knock at the barn door. "Who is it?", said the cows in unison. And it was ALEXEY PAJITNOV1, the developer of TETRIS!, and he has come to see the Tetris games between Otis the carefree cow, and you, the benign farmer. "Da, I like this cow. He is very attractive", said Alexey passionately. "You know you can't make comments like that Alex", said Otis, hinting at a possible past shared by the two. "I know, I'm sorry", said Alexey. Then, a cow from the crowd comes towards you. "Yeah, they used to fuck", he said honestly. Confused, you manage to stutter, "Thanks". "The game known as Tetris- "DA! I CREATED THAT!", interrupted Alexey, "-shall begin in 3 seconds", says the announcer. "The game will start now!". You climb the ladders towards the barn's second level, and you see 100 stock cows just in the corner. You run over to the corner, and grab one cow, placing one hand on half the udders, and the other enveloping the cow's cylindric body and placing your hand on the second half of the cow's udders. This cow is a little hard to get, so it doesn't offer any signs of sexual gratification. You carry the cow (from the udders), and throw him towards the ground. Like a cat, the cow lands on his feet, adding to your theory that cows are a long-lost cousin of cats, (which might be the topic for a spin-off series, Cat Tetris). You decide to look over to your right, to see Otis, apparently paying off the cows to jump and land with impeccable precision onto the ground. The currency he's using is Milk Money. No one knows where the majestic printer, which makes this sacred money, is. Perplexed, you manage to continue stacking the cows, although the weight that the bottom cow has to support is stacking up, while the bottom cow of Otis' pile, seems to fine. Possibly from a double-dose of steroids. As you stack more and more cows on your pile, the bottom cow gets increasingly worked, until… he collapses. Your pile, has fallen. This, is udderly (see what I did there?), devasting. The cows fall down, re-enacting the production play 9/11, as they grace the floor beneath. It wasn't the Arab who committed the crime, but the true perpetrator… the cow. But you aren't content to give up now, not with your banana dick on the line. You slide down the ladder of which you climbed up on, and go to the (then) bottom cow. "STANLEY, COME ON, WE HAVE TO WIN THIS. FOR MY SAKE!". Stanley the cow did not respond. He DIED. (bum bum bum!) And just as the wording of my text sound effects would foreshadow, Bob got his hand, and once again, launched it straight up the cow's arse. Bob tried to give Stanley internal CPR, but he still wasn't breathing. "COME ON STANLEY! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD'VE MOOOAND WITH PLEASURE BY NOW!". But alas, Stanley, had already passed, leaving his dead body behind, although Bob was content with getting him back. Bob accelerated his fist movement, in and out of Stanley's arsehole, it was going at an aspirational rate. With every push, Bob hoped to revive Stanley, but he was just a corpse at this point. Regardless, Bob didn't know what to do, except keep fisting. Bob's fist sped up exponentially coming in and out of Bob's arsehole, and due from the rapid pace of Bob's fist, chunks of the arse started to come off. They couldn't sustain Bob's fisting prowess. As Bob sped up, so did the tearing apart of Stanley's arsehole did, where it got to the point where there was no arse. Just hole. After 20 minutes of frantic and in vain fisting, Bob finally conceded… although he gave one last push…
Volume 5
The cow… was dead. He was so insignificant to the story that I forgot the cow's name. But, nevertheless, he, is dead… or she, y'know… (*sniffs*), girl power. Heshe's death however, was not in vain, as Bob started to get angry. REALLY ANGRY. In fact, he started to get so angry that he started to get an erection. This happens because both emotion and erection start with e. With his rejuvenated potassium D (d for dick. I'm trying to go really hard on the symbolism this time around), Bob roared a mighty roar, "roar", quietly shouted Bob. He went over to Otis' cow tower, and flew into it, causing the second tower to fall. "WHAT!", exclaimed Otis. "He can't do that! That's cowist", said Otis, trying to make this a race thing. ALEXEY PAJITNOV1 comes to the scene, where the fallen cos lay in the fluorescent hay that lays on the ground of the barn. "Being Cowist is legal in all 196 countries according to a U.N report by Cow Ist Ist Gud". Cow Hitler then comes and says, "Ja, fair play, all ist gud ya'll". "I hate Germans!", said ALEXEY PAJITNOV1, and punts Cow Hitler out of the barn. "I vhill have mein revenge!", says Cow Hitler, with racial undertones (and y'know, him getting further away). After the verdict, Otis bodyflopped down to ground level. "Ok Banana 'Big' Dick. You wanna play rough? Well, I can show you, yeah, I can SHOW YOU, WHAT DOGGY STYLE IS!". Oh yeah, it's getting real now…
But Bob wouldn't take it lying down. He grabbed his banana bick, (you know, b is sub for d, therefore, dick), and slipped on it, making himself slide away. "You won't get away on and with your dick!" You ride your dick out of barn and onto the pasture outside (there are now severe burns on your banana dick. These will NOT go away once your dick goes back to normal). As you make your getaway on a dick (shoulda gone with the Kooper Dasher), Otis comes out with the Cow Megatron Automobile 50,000 (used on the 250cc league). Here's a schematic of what it looks like:
Yeah. Very detailed. I drew someone to draw that, but hey, since you're reading this on , pictures, are a form of propaganda. AnywhO, so you were riding your dick through the green fields, with Otis on pursuit in his cow concocktion. You ride over 1, 2, 3 bumpy mountains, while Otis creates 3 tunnels. It isn't long until you find the Sherlock Holmeway (highway, in case you weren't in advanced maths). You come up to the turnoff onto the Holmeway, though, because this is fiction, you ram into the rails over the Holmeway, and land on the tip of your penis, contracting as it impacts into the ground. All that banana, now wasted, WHAT WOULD AFRICA THINK?! 'I tink it's pretty gud', said Africa Aziz. By the way, Africa has a , so if you gUys could support him that would be gratefully appreciated (he really needed it 50 years ago, because he's black. aNYWHo, after your banana makes an impact crater into the reinforced concrete, you begin to slide down the Holmeway because physics, (Trust me, I know). Speaking of Holmeways, Otis is now on it too, and a bunch of his goons too are on tail. You need more sliding power, so you do the only thing you know. You begin to masturbate. As you engulf your hand in your mouth, saliva falling onto it from all sides, Otis begins to notice. 'STOP HIM BEFORE HE CAN CLIMAX!". His goons then go up ahead, leaping from their motorcycles, and begin to run the distance between you, and where they landed (which is 19892847mm).
Your banana begins to throb uncontrollably, postassium racing through your veins. Unfortunately, the goons race towards you was in vain, as you began, to climax. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH yummy", you exclaim, expelling potassium from your banana penis semi-hole. The elemental elixir, as it lands on the Holmeway in front of you, creates a slippery path that is perfect for recently climatical banana penis bearing farmers from Russia, and you ride it like a Zomboni. "DAMN IT! HE CLIMAXED!", cursed Otis, anergerlly. But, remembering that in the Barnyard Movie please-don't- copyright-this-nickelodeon-2006.., OTIS, possesses udders. "heh heh, that doesn't mean I CAN'T DO THE SAME!". Otis puts his motorcycle on auto-pilot, and pinches his 4 derivative udders with his hooves. "oh-uh-THIS IS FOR YOU, MY FELLOW COW BRETHEN! (moan)", moaned Otis, as he dedicates his wanking to his friends (no homo though bro). Then, there's a cliff…
The Holmeway came to an end. Bob, is now cornered on a protruding peninsula of a Cliff of Dover. After 1758ms, Otis arriving, still fumbling with his udders as he walks up to you. "Face it Bob, you're cornered", said Otis, still fumbling with his udders. "If you come back willingly, I'll only give you a yellow card", said Otis, accidently ripping his bottom right udder. Bob refuses to yield, and inches closer towards the ultimate edge. "It's futile to keep resisting Bob. Come back to the barn, and settle this properly!". You get closer to the edge, fully hearing the crash of the waves against the cliff face. Otis now realises that you're not coming back to the barn/farm. A moment of silence is established between Bob and Otis, and the wind got gradually louder. Otis breaks the silence. "Jump", he whispers. Bob is slightly taken aback by this. "If you refuse to come back, I'll make sure you never come back", Otis sternly states. Bob now knows his options. The vote of whether or not Bob cheated or not would most likely come down to a vote. Nearly all the cows are politically aligned with Otis. Again, silence returns into the fray. This time, the wind is roaring, causing you to lose balance. Otis still looks at you with firmness. So really… what can Bob do? You/Bob let's the wind take you. You then, ultimately, fall. The rocks below wait, and now, gravity, will serve you fate…
End of the 'Magic Milk' Arc
Cow Tetris Movie Trailer: watch?v=cIn8tuEV1Ug
