No Better
"I think I should come to the school with you." Cassie nodded the next morning in the kitchen, looking over at Theo who was packing Chase's bag for school.
"I can deal with it." Theo said.
"Tell them we'll be pressing charges when they find out who did it. And all teachers should be questioned-"
"This is why I'm not bringing you." Theo turned to her, "I know you'll just lose your mind." He said as Cassie nodded. For once she knew for sure he was right. She was way too angry to be able to have a civil conversation. She knew her husband was angry too but he figured out how to control it in a frightening way. She hadn't quite learned the technique yet.
"Who are you going to speak with?" Cassie asked him, "The principal?"
"Probably admin first and then yeah, the person in charge." Theo nodded.
"I want an investigation opened for it." Cassie said.
"I know." Theo nodded along as she watched him put Chase's lunch in his bag. She could tell underneath he was seething, but he had been quiet all last night and all morning.
"It's not something you ever really talked to me about before." Cassie said, "People treating you different because of where you come from."
"It's nothing we ever had to get into." Theo said.
"It happened a lot?" She asked him, "At school?"
"It still happens, babe." Theo nodded calmly, "I'm a cop, which doesn't work well in my favour either. Don't pretend like you don't know. I know what happened on your first day on the beat." He looked over at her.
"I never told anyone about that. You only know because you were my partner." Cassie said, "I couldn't face telling my parents, especially my mom."
"Well you know those people are out there. Racists. Fascists. Nazis. Ton of them everywhere." Theo nodded, "So yeah, a Mexican guy like me showing up to arrest the drunk white man at a bar… you know exactly what the first insult always is." He nodded to her as she sighed, "But not my fucking son." He said quietly to himself.
"Not you either." Cassie made clear as he looked over at her.
"I got my shoes on!" Chase exclaimed as he ran into the kitchen.
"You're so clever." Cassie smiled, "Come give mama a kiss. Daddy's gonna take you to school today." She said, crouching down as Chase ran over to her.
"Will… Will I see you tonight?" Chase asked, trying to zip his jacket up when Cassie intervened and helped him.
"Of course. Mama will see you when she gets home from work." Cassie nodded, "Will you learn something cool for me today?" She asked him as he nodded.
"Yeah, I will." He promised.
"Good boy." Cassie smiled, kissing his cheek and fixing his hair, "You go with daddy, then." She encouraged as Chase ran over to Theo who helped him put his backpack on.
"I'll give you a call." Theo nodded to Cassie.
"Yeah, ok." Cassie said, watching as they left the kitchen and headed out of the house to the car.
She turned to where she was making coffee for her travel mug, pouring it in, feeling a massive dark cloud over her almost. It angered and upset her that her husband had almost accepted the way certain people treated him, as if it didn't even phase him anymore. It was a sensitive subject, one which she wasn't that unfamiliar with given her own background and heritage. Right now the only person she could think about talking to about all of this was her mother.
"So how did it go? Did you guys have a proper conversation?" Thea asked, sitting in her kitchen with her laptop in front of her, skyping with her sister. She had a rare day off with her husband at work, her two eldest children at school and Sam napping in the living room after falling asleep whilst watching a movie.
"Yeah, I guess." Jude said, "He was here for a few hours. Still ended with me crying, though." She rolled her eyes.
"You're allowed to be upset." Thea said.
"I know I am but then he tries to comfort me and I want him to but… at the same time I don't want him to come near me." She shook her head, "It just feels so damn complicated."
"What did you guys talk about?" Thea asked her.
"Just where our heads were at. I think I keep looking for things that I did wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I did that pushed him away but… he's got me pretty convinced that I had nothing to do with it-"
"Of course you didn't." Thea said fiercely, "How could you even think this is your fault?"
"I don't know." Jude shook her head, "He is taking full responsibility, though. He keep saying he'll do whatever I want." She rolled her eyes, "I would have just rather he didn't cheat."
"Do you feel like it helped? Talking some more?" Thea asked.
"Yeah, I guess. I'm pretty sure he does love me." Jude nodded confidently, "If he didn't, there's no way he'd be going to all this trouble, right?"
"Yeah." Thea agreed.
"But I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I can't just take him back. But I also… I also don't see myself divorcing him. I still love him, as much as I don't want to." She shook her head, "So what the hell do I do?"
"Did you guys agree to talk again?" Thea asked.
"No. The night ended with me crying, him hugging me and then him leaving." Jude said, "He's picking the girls up tonight so I guess I'll see him then."
"Maybe you guys just need to keep having those conversations until something breaks." Thea suggested, "Until you start to feel like normal."
"I don't know if we'll ever get back to normal. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same. That's the part that hurts me the most." She said.
"Don't hold your breath." Thea told her, "I know I'm never the positive thinking one but… you don't know how things could turn around." She said.
"I know." Jude grumbled, rubbing her eyes tiredly, "I'd do anything just to be able to sleep properly again. Sleeping alone is so depressing." She shook her head.
"Bring the snake into bed with you." Thea nodded.
"He's not a…" Jude shook her head, too tired to finish her sentence, "Anyway, how come you're free during the day?"
"It's my day off. It's just me and Sam in the house and she's asleep on the couch." Thea said, "Thank God." She added as Jude chuckled.
"Any exciting plans?" Jude asked, playing with a paintbrush on the table.
"Not at all." Thea said, "I got therapy tonight. Guess what?"
"What?" Jude asked.
"I get a sticker today." She smiled.
"A sticker?" Jude questioned.
"Yeah." Thea nodded, "Four years sober sticker." She smiled happily.
"Oh." Jude smiled big, "Look at you."
"I know." Thea nodded.
"Proud of you." Jude nodded sincerely, "Send me a picture of your sticker." She insisted.
"I will." Thea smiled, "My therapist baked me a cupcake last year for my third year sticker so who knows what I'm gonna get this time." She grinned like a child as Jude chuckled, "And Dominic is getting home early so he can cook dinner and I can sit back and watch with my feet up."
"You're living the life." Jude said.
"I am." Thea agreed.
"That's a big deal, Thea. Good job." Jude nodded seriously as Thea smiled to herself.
"Yeah I'm doing alright." Thea nodded modestly, deep down knowing that she had grown stronger as a person these past four years. It was a stupid sticker to most, but to her it was assurance she was doing her damn best every day. And she was.
"Hey! Who's home?" Cassie called, walking into her parents house on her lunch break from work.
"We both are." Punk said, walking down the stairs, "You ok?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Cassie nodded, although not really sure she was, "I thought you'd be at work?"
"I'm a part-timer now, remember?' Punk nodded.
"How's that working out for you?" Cassie asked.
"I've not got a chance to get used to it yet. Your mom wants me to paint the bench out in the yard." He rolled his eyes as Cassie smiled.
"And you're doing it?" Cassie assumed, following him through to the kitchen.
"Like I have a choice." Punk said.
"Oh, hey sweetie." AJ smiled, sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine.
"Hi, mom." Cassie smiled.
"Did you find your paintbrushes?" AJ asked Punk who held his paintbrushes up.
"I'll be outside if you need me." Punk said, heading on out to the yard as AJ smiled.
"He pretends he doesn't like doing things around the house." AJ turned to Cassie, "But he loves it."
"I guess he's always been a pretty good handy man." Cassie nodded.
"You finished from work? Do you want some lunch?" AJ asked.
"I'm just on my lunch break. I had a sandwich." Cassie lied. She knew if she said she hadn't eaten her mother would feed her. Something with excess carbs no doubt.
"Are you ok?" AJ wondered as Cassie shrugged, pacing a little. Even as children, Thea and Jude were easy to read. Easier, at least. Cassie held all her secrets and no one ever got to hear or see trait of them. Not unless she chose to speak about them.
"I was emptying Chase's backpack from school yesterday after I picked him up." Cassie said, "There was a piece of paper inside it with the word…" She paused for a second, "With the word spic written on it." She said as AJ raised her eyebrows, at first with disgust and then with fury.
"No." AJ shook her head, trying so hard to believe there was no way someone would do that to a child.
"Yeah." Cassie looked down, "I told Theo and he was speaking with the school this morning. I think…" She paused, "I think he feels guilty about it?" She questioned with confusion, "He wasn't angry like me, he was more-"
"Upset?" AJ asked.
"I don't know. I think because he knows how it feels. More so than I do." She said, "Happens to him all the time. Especially being a cop."
"Has it happened to you?" AJ questioned as Cassie looked over, nodding slowly, "Cass, why didn't you ever say anything?"
"I don't know, I guess I just tried to… let it go over my head." Cassie nodded, "Happened on my first day." She said, "I arrested this man, he was breaching his parole or something, he told me I should go arrest people in my own country. Followed by some… other stuff." She shook her head.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie." AJ shook her head.
"You know, don't you?" Cassie said as AJ nodded.
"Yeah, I know." AJ said, "You know how your dad has always hated cops?" She asked her as Cassie nodded, rolling her eyes.
"I'm familiar." Cassie nodded, folding her arms.
"Well, I don't think it was anything to do with how they treated him. I think it was how they treated me." She said, "The sick and twisted thing is… they're everywhere. Racists." She nodded.
"Yeah and I can handle it. Theo can handle it. Not Chase." Cassie shook her head, "Why should… Why should the fact his dad comes from somewhere else become a burden to him? He's just a kid." She sighed with a lump in her throat.
"It shouldn't be a burden. Some people are just cruel. It's people who will never change. They'll never see people as human beings instead of… skin colour or where they come from." AJ said, "But it's not something you or Theo should ever have to put up with. It's not something you should just accept."
"I know." Cassie nodded, "He was gonna call me to tell me how it went at the school but I've not heard from him." She said, "It just feels worse because he's a kid."
"It's awful." AJ agreed, "There should be an investigation into it, to find who put it there." She said as Cassie nodded.
"Yeah we'll make sure there is." Cassie assured her, "I figured you'd be the best person to talk to. I know you didn't have it easy growing up anyway."
"I'm always here if you need to talk about anything. Maybe I should have talked to you girls about it some more. Before I knew it you guys were all grown up and didn't need me to explain what racism is. I just hoped and prayed that it wasn't something you guys would have to deal with. The ignorance, I guess, of me thinking that it was something that would get better with time." She shook her head.
"Well it's not a bad thing to hope things get better and easier for people of colour." Cassie nodded, "I just… I've never saw Theo look the way he did when I showed him."
"He's probably just scared that Chase may have the same experiences he has. It's so unfair." AJ shook her head angrily as Cassie nodded.
"I just hope whenever they find who did it, they keep them away from me." Cassie said, "I wouldn't trust myself."
"I wouldn't either." AJ shook her head angrily.
