a/n:
babe wake up, silver_lining_in_gold just posted the new chapter - said no one ever lmao!
SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO DAMN LONG TO POST THIS ONE I ACCIDENTALLY GAINED A NEW HYPERFIXATION AND IT HAS COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE WHOOPS!
credits: okay, 90% of these quotes are actually lyrics from songs i adore with every aching piece of my soul, so this is sort of my quilted love letter to them. everything you read in this chapter is gonna make a reappearance in the rest of the story, so i won't "link" all the songs this chapter. i'm gonna give you the mood music for this specific chapter tho:
soundtracks:
✮ Jericho Beach
✮ Il mondo prima di te
(P.S. the formatting is kinda weird here i'm aware, it's so much better on AO3)
. . .
️ ️SPOILER ALERT:
snippets from past/present/future stuff that WILL reappear later in the story so you're not really missing out on anything if you skip it
once you read this chapter you can't unread it!
proceed at your own risk ;)
|TRIGGER WARNINGS|:
• Unreliable AND Reliable Narrator
• PTSD
• Intrusive Thoughts
• Suicidal Thoughts
• ...technically rated M and not just for the violence...yep we're gonna touch on THAT.
/
if you have/deal with intrusive thoughts and think that this chapter might trigger/make them worse please SKIP it!
your wellbeing comes before a fic!
com'era il mondo prima di te (I)
Naruto's mind is humming with piercing fragments of a discourse that don't retain heads or tails, chasing themselves inside torturous labyrinth spirals.
"Oh no, that shit haunts you...pun not intended."
Naruto huffs a muffled laugh into the sheets even though he doesn't know what the fuck is going on.
"I read a story about somebody who drove his family off a bridge."
"I have a feeling that's exactly what's happening here."
"...I just don't know which one of us it will be."
"...but this isn't about us."
"I guess some illusions are harder to see from within."
"Oh, let's be loud and clear. There's no secrets here."
"Okay, it's all okay."
"Told you not to feel."
"Told you not to feel at all."
"Hurt me so I feel."
"Sadness isn't real…then why's it feel so physical?"
"Cutting right into the bone."
"Used to do all these things so effortlessly."
"And I'm empty too if that's what you want."
"And by now I know the damage has been done."
"I fear this will be the death of me."
"I swear I will be the end of me."
"Self-diagnosing until I'm borderline."
"How do you call it when you're in your head…like when you really keep inside of it?"
"I only talk to the mirror."
"I'm only scared of growing up."
"Growing, but I'm just growing tired."
"'Cause I love you, but sometimes I'd rather die than have to feel this way inside."
"I'll say whatever you want but I've become such a liar."
"It's just a cycle, go back to sleep."
"You find the chaos if that's what you believe in."
"What was I thinking, looking for a sign? As if I've ever seen the stars align."
"Most of the game is unfamiliar."
"Most of the kids are growing bitter."
"He said he knows that I've been bitter."
"I'm not catastrophizing."
"Three? Four?"
"Haven't you heard? My ego dies at the end."
"I fake a smile everyday because I know I'm nothing to no one."
"I'll never be what you want."
"Your built composure's wearing thin."
"Tell me which one is worse: living or dying first?"
"The boy you used to know is dead."
"It's time to fucking mourn."
"Don't you know who I think I am?"
"Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying."
"I want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart. I want to give you directions, helpful hints."
"But I also want your lungs to stop working without me."
"Strangers get born and strangers get buried. Matches burn after the other, pages turn and stick to each other. Wages earned and lessons learned."
"Did you ever hear about the boy who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, he won't know it."
"Did you hear about the boy who lives in delusion?"
"Death is inevitable, you can't just lose it like this!"
"Did you hear about my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism?"
"Blame everyone but me for this mess."
"I just watch you make the same mistakes."
"You're losing your mind."
"You can't find a place to belong."
"You're falling behind."
"You're falling from grace."
"You're all over the place."
"Gonna regret being too honest."
"I don't know how you look past all my stupid fucking stepbacks."
"'Cause I'm no good, you could do better, you should walk out."
"You let me in when you should've had your guard up."
"What a painful back and forth."
"I'm happier when I'm sad. So leave and never come back."
"I took the most that you could offer, I'm gonna drag you right down to the bottom with me."
"No saving you now."
"There's no getting out."
"I want these words to make things right. But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life."
"I read a different definition of what love is. Wish somebody had told me what it wasn't."
"Tried to fix it before I quit it."
"Tried to keep myself from hurting…don't know why anymore."
"I just wanna talk about it. I know I freaked you out."
"I'm trying even when I lose control."
"And it's not fair to pull you into my chaos."
"Sorry for freaking out."
"Even I can't stop myself."
"I'm sorry."
"I'll send you lovebombs after the war…even though I know they don't work anymore."
"...don't go yet."
"How could you let it all go?"
"Do you still feel like you know what you're doing?"
"Rage is a quiet thing…oh, you think that you tamed it? But it's just lying in wait."
"Feel it in my veins when I least expect it."
"Give in."
"How to draw the line between wrath and mercy?"
"You turned into your worst fears."
"If only I had seen my reflection as something more precious…he would have never–"
"Because you can't forgive? Or because you don't want to?"
"I've got nothing else to lose beside you."
"I've already lost you once. What more could you do?"
"They say don't open old wounds…but you're still brand new."
"Like it or not, we were doomed from the start."
"Self-medicated on the thought of someone else's validation."
"Universally disappointed by my own expectations."
"I've cried my eyes out till I'm empty."
"Why do memories glow the way real moments won't?"
"I only thought it for a minute but it got me down."
"The kind of feeling when you got something to cry about."
"And all the talking turned to screaming that I couldn't help."
"It's not me."
"I only thought it for a moment but it's crippling."
"What if I'm missing the capacity for all of it?"
"This isn't me."
"But I'm so scared of losing all control."
"Don't you tell me it's better to let go when the weight of the world feels so close."
"It's only me."
"I feel crazy while you seem sane."
"Bet you wish you never even met me."
"A tragic movie ends and the screen fades to black."
"I'm exhausted and so fucking angry."
"...but somebody should be."
"What's wrong?"
"Do you need to be saved again?"
"I saw the lightning but everyone else just saw the rain."
"Blink and the fairytale falls apart."
"'Cause I spend every hour going through the motions I can't even get the emotions to come out!"
"It's a terrifying existence when you can't get away from your own mind."
"When you think of love, do you think of pain?"
"You think that you're in love when you're really just in pain...how pathetic."
"Love yourself so no one has to."
"They're better off without you."
"You don't know how to love. You don't know what love is. You don't deserve to be loved."
"It's all going to crash around you."
"She never loved you."
"He hates you. Almost as much as you hate yourself."
"You're just taking up space. You're a burden to everyone around you."
"What if you just jumped?"
"What if you let go?"
"If you disappeared, no one would even notice."
"Who do you think you are? "
"Pinch the skin between your thumb and forefinger until it bleeds."
"Put your hand on the hot stove."
"Slice your hands."
"Stick a knife in your palm."
"Put your hand over the flame."
"Hands. Ruin your hands."
"Burn your hands. Melt the skin off."
"He already marred your hands, so why not just cut them off?"
"Why would you need your hands anyway? You have nothing precious left to hold."
"There's blood on my hands."
"You should probably save yourself."
"You should just kill yourself."
"Sorry, didn't mean to get so dark."
"It's honestly kind of funny how every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me."
"I don't remember the last time I was given the chance to catch my breath."
"I'm starting to find this is a fight I can never win."
"What if I gave everything I have and it's never enough?"
"What if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?"
"What if it never gets better?"
"...what if I never heal from this?"
"Isn't anyone trying to find me?"
"Won't somebody come take me home?"
"If I could get to sleep, I would have slept by now."
"I have never seen someone lit from within, blurring out my periphery."
"The blush in your cheeks says that you bleed like me."
"Is it so innocent?"
"It's just a kiss."
"Show me how you make a first impression."
"I always said I'm not a saint…so I'm gonna push you to the floor."
"Call me shallow, but I'm only getting deeper."
"You keep selfishly just digging until my nervous system's sore."
"Bruises on your knees because of me."
"How did enemies come from chemistry?"
"You wanted more so you came and got it."
"Fell for these ocean eyes…"
"Is this blood on me or a blush?"
"He tastes like you, only sweeter."
"You should run and hide…I don't play fair."
"You're a gamble, but I love playing it loose."
"Do your worst."
"I know you're twisted. But I'm twisted too."
"Bleed for me."
"I want to sink my teeth into you."
" I'm a handful but…that's what hands are for."
"The things I'd do to you if I–"
"Tell me your confessions, what's the worst?"
"You're the only thing that can hold my attention for more than five minutes."
"Behave."
"Ay, little baby is a poser."
"One of us is getting aggressive, the other is acting possessive."
"We might just get away with it."
"Lately all I think about is you, I'm never sick about it."
"You drive me mad with temptation 'cause it tastes so good."
"I don't even care if you're gonna be the death of me."
"It's my appetite you feed."
"I'm asking for it."
"Tell me what you need."
"...you."
"I can't."
"Not like this."
"Not when we're–"
"My tunnel vision is only amplifying everything he isn't."
"It doesn't feel right to feel the weight of your world in my spine."
"Find another space to invade, another brain to decay with your presence, with your ghost."
"I won't let you in!"
"Go ahead and watch me burn with the fire that you started in me. But I'll never let you back to put it out."
"Quit you cold."
"I could wipe my memory clean of you."
"Don't make this as hard as you think it would be. It's a lot easier than it seems."
"I think it's time to give us up."
"Do you see yourself in the worst of me?"
"I watched your guilt turn right to apathy."
"Always such a sweetheart 'til someone adores you."
"Your name is getting sour…it wasn't supposed to."
"I called you out and labeled you a problem. I should have known that it takes one to know."
"I'm just the reason why you're running out of patience."
"Can't keep pretending that we're something worth saving."
"The knife cuts both ways."
"You broke me first."
"Living just for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts."
"What are we doing, playing house in the ruins of us?"
"I used to try. But nothing's helping."
"I'm getting tired of feeling fragile."
"Plus after all of this time I should be a pretty crier."
"Tourniquet's not tight enough."
"Temptations always win in the end."
"I thought love was the one thing you could spend as much of as you want…I guess just not all at once."
"My intentions, soft and violent…I'm my father's son."
"I see you missing teeth. Say, are you alright?"
"Like losing a dad, or something as shit as that."
"You can't lose something you never had."
"Sew my veins into your arms, feed you my bloodline. Anything that I could do to try to rewind."
"And it's the small things that are driving me insane."
"I have nothing left of you."
"I keep thinking about the life you threw away."
"Time can heal, but this won't."
"If you'd just told me, I would have followed you."
"...let me die instead."
"I heard what I wanted until I couldn't."
"I'm holding on to nothing."
"You gave me all your time. But did I give you enough of mine?"
"Did what you had to do."
"How you smiled before you left me."
"...I can't remember your last words, I'm sorry, are you disappointed?"
"I keep blaming her. I wonder what's the last thing you told her. Did you feed her lies?"
"No day, hour, minute, second goes by that I don't think of you."
"...and I pray that it didn't hurt too badly."
"And what's it like on the other side of us…is it dark?"
"The first thing to go was the sound of his voice."
"Sorry for oversharing."
"I want to leave it all like you did."
"Broken."
"I want to leave it just like I found it."
"I can't even remember who I was supposed to be."
"You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back? Just like that?"
"It made me think of you."
"...I wanna go to you."
"Because I thought of you, just from the thought of you…"
"Is it just wishful thinking?"
"Hoping that you'll finally grow up?"
"It amazes me, you move on so easily from someone that you once called home."
"You can't lose something that never even began."
"Because the longing needs the leaving, and the loving needs the bleeding."
"The truth is that our egos are absurd."
"I know you don't see what you saw in me."
"If I fall asleep will I stop thinking about you?"
"If I fix myself will that make you want me again?"
"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my head."
"...I'm not the person I wanted to be."
"Who did you think you could be?"
"I've been so afraid. Afraid to close my eyes."
"So much can slip away before I say goodbye."
"Have you tried moving on without you? It's impossible to do. You're impossible to lose."
"The places we went, the things that we said, they're burned in my memory."
"And you aren't perfect, yeah, you have your share of flaws and lows too. But I'd say you got pretty close…closer than I've ever dared to let anyone before you."
"God forbid me ever holding something precious in my hands and not fucking breaking it. Have you seen my life? It's a track record of one bad decision after the other."
"I couldn't touch you and risk ruining you too."
"I wrote our end in the dark."
"You're a monster, but I want you…what does that say about me?"
"I thought you wanted me this way!"
"I'm not scared."
"I don't need much of anything."
"But suddenly…"
"Put a price on emotion, I'm looking for something to buy."
"I am small and the world is big, but I'm not afraid of anything."
"I don't even remember how it started. Something you said must have set me off."
"How does it feel to be different from me?"
"I get tired and I get weak."
"I get lost and I can't sleep."
"Are we the same?"
"I'm trying!"
"I think I like that you seem sincere. I think I'd like to get to know you a bit more."
"Just because you're hurting, doesn't mean I'm not."
"So I figured I should wake up and walk home."
"And I'm twelve and I don't know how to handle being human, being mortal, being fragile, being your rival on the ride home."
"Would you comfort me? Would you cry with me?"
"How come even together…there can be loneliness?"
"This is me trying."
"I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning for the first time."
"Like you were my closest friend."
"He doesn't know who I am anymore. And it doesn't matter."
"It feels like a bad dream."
"And I can't believe you. And you won't convince me either way."
"Trying to scream out my lungs, it makes this harder. And the tears stream down my face."
"...wait…I need us–"
"I almost liked the way you fooled me. Tricked me into thinking this would last forever."
"You're different from me."
"It only hurts this much right now."
"I think I'm burning alive but nobody else sees the fire."
"I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses."
"Forgetting you is like trying to know somebody I never met."
"In your shadow I fade."
"Somebody notice how I'm trying."
"It's been a couple of months since I turned to something violent."
"A long way from the playground."
"I still see it all in my head in burning red."
"See what you want to see, but all I see is him right now."
"You're my favorite hurting. I'd let you go if I could."
"I blink, and I'm fifteen, and I still don't know how to handle being enemies on the way home."
"Staying someone that you don't know."
"I reached for you but all I felt was shame."
"...did our friendship affair maim you too?"
"And the heart I know I'm breaking is my own."
"You. That's what happened: you."
"You can't touch me now, there's no feeling left."
"It was an innocent mistake to waste my time on you."
"I'm a liar. I let my ego swallow me."
"What a treacherous thing it is to believe a person is more than a person."
"So go on, into your life and right out of mine again."
"I figured I could do the same, learning from you that I can walk away too."
"And I wake with your memory over me. That's a real fucking legacy to leave."
"And I'm still trying."
"...I thought you wanted me this way."
"I thought you wanted…"
"I didn't know that I wanted–"
"What I really wanted–"
"But I want–"
"I want. I want. I want. God, I want–"
"What do you want?"
"You think it's fair asking me that?"
"…I don't think any of this is fair."
"But I can't give you what you want if you don't want it from me."
"It's not enough to give me what it is I want. And I wish it was."
"And what if it makes you lose faith in me?"
"And what if it makes you question every moment you cannot see?"
"And what if it makes you ask how could you let it all go?"
"...what if what I want makes you sad at me?"
"But you can keep trying…if you want."
"That's all I want."
"All of me is a wound to close, but I leave the whole thing open."
"I just wanted you to know I was never good at coping."
"Time has never been my best suit."
"Are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these?"
"If you're pretending from the start, with such a tight grip…"
"If the heart is always searching, can you ever find a home?"
"...I didn't know I was lonely until I saw your face."
"...I've always liked kids like you so much. Kids with walls up so high they've buried themselves inside."
"I get undertones of sadness when I think about all the moments that I never got to spend with you."
"I would do anything for you."
"Some things are worth running through the night for."
"Convinced yourself that's the reason why you don't see the sun anymore."
"I don't know what is sadder. To be an object of hatred...or to hate yourself and think that it's justified."
"If only I could change the world you view… "
"And if you get lost in the light, it's okay, I can see in the dark."
"There's more to life than just getting through the day."
"I guess we both need to brush up on our basics."
"If you're brave enough to take that first step, then you're brave enough to take what comes next."
"I told you, I'm not leaving you again."
"I'm all in."
"Be brave. Brave the waters all around you. I'll stay, I'll keep you from sinking down."
"I'll keep you safe."
"Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how it should be."
"Maybe redemption has stories to tell."
"I'm begging you, please. If you go you'll miss all the beautiful things."
"Don't be silly. How can you have faith if you have nothing to doubt?"
"There's nothing to analyze. How about saying what we feel in the moment, instead?"
"I remember being thirteen…man, that shit was heavy."
"We're the kids who feel like dead ends."
"I got so much to tell you, but I…I'm afraid now."
"I'm all or nothing, I don't do middle ground."
"You don't want to let go. And you don't have to."
"It's what you do after you lose everything that defines who you are."
"We're good at taking on each other's issues."
"We've been everything and nothing to each other."
"I don't want to lose a friend like this. I know the way it feels, and I can't go through that again."
"Good. Because you have me."
"Take your time, take my time."
"Then, by all means, slow me down."
"I think we make a pretty good team. Don't you?"
"I like how you are with me."
"You…you're a wonder."
"You, that's what I've been missing."
"You're fragile and you're strong, a beautiful and perfect combination."
"I don't think you understand how much you've impacted my life just by being in it."
"You get the sun."
"It's easy to smile around you."
"Couldn't be scared if I tried 'cause nothing's ever felt this right."
"I don't want to look at anything else now that I saw you. And I don't want to think of anything else now that I thought of you."
"You're, you know….special."
"You're all of my weaknesses."
"That's easy, it's because I l–it's because I like you. That's how I know I can trust you."
"And it's in all the things that make you who you are."
"We can stay up all night 'til you're sure. Oh, it's alright."
"You don't need to know where everything is going before you get there."
"The freedom to pursue your dreams on your own terms."
"...can I hold on a little longer?"
"I just want to be something you hold on to."
"If I had my way I'd never get over you."
"One step at a time."
"We'll get it right this time, promise."
"Patching up all the holes until we both feel much, much better."
"Silver Linings and all that, huh?"
"Peter Pan and Wendy turned out just fine."
"I don't want to run from anything uncomfortable."
"I won't let you give up on yourself. Sorry."
"But if someone comes at us, this time I'm ready."
"Just know I've got your back, always."
"No more tug of war, now I just know there's more."
"You know it's gonna get better."
"And it's fine to fake until you make it. Until you do. Until it's true."
"Glass half empty, glass half full. Who cares? Either way, you won't be going thirsty for a while. That's what matters."
"You know, the best way to make it through with heart and wrists intact…is to realize that two out of three isn't bad. Isn't bad at all, actually."
"This has been gnawing at your edges, eating you alive."
"I can't bring him back to you. I can't save him. I can't–I can't hold him. I can't even touch him."
"How am I supposed to deal with that?"
"Any way that you can."
"No point in throwing water on an open flame, when there's nothing left that will be worth saving."
"Where can you run to escape from yourself?"
"Where can I go where you don't hide?"
"Who am I if not seen through your eyes?"
"...how can I be without you?"
"I don't even dare to wish it."
"Do you think we broke each other?"
"I never said it but I know that I…"
"I bury baggage till it's out of sight."
"I think it's better if I hide it."
"...I really hope that I survive this."
"You're aware you should be dead right now, right?"
"Perks of the trade, huh?"
"The repercussions you'll face–"
"Did you maybe consider that I value your life more than my own?"
"Guess I'm as much of an idiot as the idiot you're inhabiting."
"...oh, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?"
"You mean the mutual emotional abuse isn't part of every healthy relationship?"
"I suggest you hurry up and get your shit together, because he won't."
"He's my responsibility. I can't do anything to jeopardize that."
"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved."
"This would be hard for you if you were fragile. But you're not fragile."
"I hope he is worth this hell."
"...he is."
"It's gonna…"
Hurt.
Naruto descries through quivering lashes a shadow, standing at the edge of his bed, turned from him. Naruto tries to call to it, the urge to be seen, heard, exist, suddenly choking him from within.
"Go back to sleep, Little Fox. You're safe now."
Sasuke mouths around a half-smile when he catches his eye.
"It's okay, I won't let anything else hurt you."
It burns through his tummy, spreading up to his curled fingers.
His body obeys the request of its own volition, the pull of exhaustion too tempting and sweet to even attempt to resist. But amongst the scatters he's floating in, the lonely, recurring thought pounds his head, until he aches with it.
.
.
.
"...what did my world look like before you?"
. . .
a/n:
1) if anyone needs the reminder tonight: your bad days do not define you.
2) i can't believe i missed Naruto's birthday i am so sorry angel you deserve everything good and sweet and soft in the world and i promise you're gonna get that once the angst stage is over!
3) i'm gonna go sleep now
