Self Doubt
"I'm in court in the morning so I won't bother waking Chase up or anything." Cassie said, late on one night as she sat having dinner with Theo, finally a time in the day where she could sit down and relax.
"Court on a Saturday?" Theo raised a brow, twirling his spaghetti around the fork.
"Nothing is actually in session but the prosecution want to speak with me and… it's the only time I'm available." Cassie nodded, "I'm still deep in this murder suicide investigation-"
"Which is it?" Theo scoffed.
"Oh, murder." Cassie nodded knowingly, "This nineteen year old. He's got a past." She told him as he nodded, "And not a great deal of friendly connections."
"They never do." Theo nodded, "Who are you working with on it?"
"Andrea." Cassie said.
"Girl power." Theo nodded to himself as Cassie smiled, "So what are you in court for?"
"Oh, it was a dumb call out I responded to months ago. Assault in Wicker Park." She told him.
"Oh yeah I remember it now." Theo nodded, "Busy woman."
"Yeah and I know I've made it one of my toxic personality traits to be busy but I'd love nothing more than a break." She admitted tiredly.
"That's what days off are for." He said.
"I know." She shook her head at herself, "I'm glad I'm off on Sunday for Chase's first soccer game." She smiled.
"Don't you be putting too much pressure on my boy." He warned teasingly as she smiled.
"Oh, you know I won't. As long as he enjoys it. He's still so tiny." Cassie smiled to herself.
"Tiny guy in a tiny soccer strip." Theo nodded.
"It's the best." Cassie smiled, "How was your session with Andrew?" She asked him.
"Yeah it was ok." Theo shrugged.
A few weeks had gone by since Thanksgiving where Theo had been visiting the precincts on call psychologist for weekly appointments to deal with the guilt he was still feeling from the shooting. It was helping and he felt himself relaxing more into acceptance that he was out of action from work for as long as it would take to get him healthy. It was a hard pill to swallow but he was trying his best.
"I'm glad you're going." She nodded seriously, "Cause you know you can't go on carrying that guilt around with you. Not that kind."
"I know." He nodded, "It is helping."
"Well he's a helpful man." Cassie nodded, "Not bad to look at either." She smirked, sucking up a string of spaghetti as Theo chuckled.
"It's nothing I've noticed-"
"Oh, please." Cassie rolled her eyes.
"He does have nice eyes." Theo nodded as he thought about it.
"And that jawline." Cassie whistled as Theo chuckled, picking up on a knock at the door, "I'll get it." Cassie told him, standing up from the table, still in her work suit and blouse, leaving the kitchen and making her way to the door, opening it up and pausing.
"Cassie." Raul, Theo's father, nodded, standing with his wife at the door.
"Thank you for doing this." Jude nodded, standing outside her house with Sean after they had gotten home from their first couples therapy session. The girls were inside with their sitter.
"You don't have to thank me." Sean shook his head.
"Well I know you're only doing it for me." Jude said, "I could tell you were uncomfortable." She nodded, "And if… if it's too much then just let me know. I don't wanna force you into anything-"
"You're not." Sean said, "I guess… I guess I just never thought we'd be having to do this." He nodded.
"Yeah." Jude nodded to herself, looking down at the ground, "I guess I'm just hoping it maybe gives us some clarity."
"If you're looking for some reason for why I… did what I did, it's probably not gonna come out." He said, "Because there wasn't a reason. Not to do with you anyway." He said, "If that's what you're looking for in these sessions… for me to blurt out something you did wrong… you didn't do anything wrong." He nodded.
"I'm just… I'm still struggling with wrapping my head around it." Jude admitted, folding her arms, "Sometimes it just feels like nothing makes sense. Sometimes when we're having dinner with the girls or you're in the house with us… everything feels normal again and it's great." She nodded, "And then I remember… and I'm just confused." She shrugged as he nodded.
"That's fair." Sean nodded, looking down at the ground, "I can't expect you to understand something that I don't even understand-"
"Did you… think of me at all?" She looked up at him, "Even for a second?" She asked. They no longer had screaming matches with one another. They spoke softly to one another. She was beyond the point of crying and yelling.
"I wasn't thinking about anything." Sean shook his head.
"I wish you'd thought about me." She whispered as he nodded, "I know I've never been easy to live with. Like I said during the session… I come with a lot of baggage-"
"It's not baggage-"
"It is to me." Jude said, "I've had my moments and you've… you've always been there."
"Cause I love you, Jude. Not because I feel like I have to." He said, "I'm always gonna love you. No one else." He shook his head as she looked up at him, "And if these sessions are ways for me to tell you how much I love you, and how sorry I am, then I'll be there every week." He nodded.
"That's not why I suggested it." Jude said, "I know you love me. I was questioning it before but… I know you do." She nodded, "I'm just trying to figure out where we go from here."
"Yeah, I know." Sean said.
"Sometimes I wish we could go back to when we first met." She nodded, taking her gloves off, "I miss who I was then." She admitted, looking up at the black sky.
"You're the same person." He shook his head as Jude just smiled, shaking her head.
"No, I actually liked myself back then." She nodded, "Feels like I'm just a shell of that person now." She admitted as he looked at her worriedly.
"I'm still as in love, and fascinated and amazed by you as I was when I first met you." He told her, "Believe me." He said as she forced a small smile.
"I do." She whispered, "Do you want to come in and help me get the girls to bed?" She asked him as he nodded.
"Yeah, of course." He nodded, looking at her worriedly as she turned to go inside, "I wish you knew how amazing you are." He said as she turned back to him, "From what I hear from your sisters and parents… you've never really been kind to yourself. Never seen what others can see in you."
"I don't really think there's much to see." She shook her head, turning back around and opening up the door as Sean watched her step into the house, pausing as he watched her shake off her coat. He could see it. She really didn't see the good in herself. The talent. The beauty. She truly believed there was none and his unfaithfulness had brought it out even more so, and he hated himself even more every day for that.
"What a load of rubbish." Punk folded his arms as he looked on at the TV, letting out a sigh and standing up as he switched it off along with the lights. He always detested staying awake longer than he had to in order to just watch his favourite hockey team lose their game.
He locked up and headed to bed, making his way into their bedroom where he found AJ awake and lying on her back.
"You don't seem happy. I assume your team lost?" AJ figured upon the second she saw his face.
"It's painful." Punk nodded as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, "What are you doing still awake? You came up a while ago." He said, eventually getting into bed beside her where she was welcomed into his arms, curling into his chest as he kissed her head.
"I just couldn't sleep." AJ told him, "Could just be the menopause."
"This menopause sounds like a hoot." Punk said as she smiled.
"Joys of having lady parts." AJ scoffed as he nodded, "It's either that or I'm just thinking too much. Which has always been my most annoying trait, don't you think?" She asked him.
"I'm sure we could find something that's more annoying than that." He teased.
"Oh, I have a few, do I?" She nudged him as he chuckled.
"We're a family of overthinkers, babe. You know that." He nodded.
"And I used to wonder what was wrong with Jude when she was little." AJ shook her head, "Wonder why she was always so worried about things. Forgot who her parents were, I guess." She nodded.
"What are you worried about?" He asked her.
"Jude." AJ sighed, "She wasn't herself when she was here for Thanksgiving-"
"Might be to do with the cheating husband." Punk interrupted.
"Yeah well I'm aware of that." AJ rolled her eyes, "But she had me convinced on the phone before they came out that… they were making progress and working things through."
"It's one of these things that will take time." Punk nodded.
"She just seemed really sad." AJ said, "Really sad." She emphasised as Punk nodded.
"Yeah, I know." He said quietly.
"And I worry about her out there on her own. I don't think she has many people she can talk to." She said.
"I think they will get through it. Eventually." Punk said, "He's lucky she's got a good heart. A forgiving heart."
"Yeah." AJ agreed, "I'm just still hurt for her."
"Me too but I think… I think in this situation we gotta let them handle it on their own." Punk said, "Believe me, I know it's hard. I'd love to give my opinions but it's not gonna help the situation."
"You just want them to be happy, don't you?" AJ nodded, "She just… doesn't seem it. At all."
"She struggles at this time of year anyway." Punk said quietly as AJ nodded.
"I can't stand that she's so far away sometimes." AJ sighed.
"It'll be Christmas soon and she'll be back." Punk nodded positively, "Didn't she say that Kirsty was coming to visit her for a couple days?"
"Oh, yeah. She did." AJ remembered, "She's always been a good friend to her." She nodded.
"Does she even keep in contact with friends from school?" Punk wondered.
"I don't think so." AJ said, "I think once she went to college those friendships sort of break off."
"You didn't make any friends at college." Punk pointed out, looking down at her as she looked up.
"Probably something to do with the child I had." AJ nodded as Punk chuckled.
"Probably." Punk said.
"I couldn't have met a better friend than you anyway." She shrugged as Punk smiled.
"I'm glad Thea wound up befriending Lucia." Punk said, "You know they see each other most weeks?"
"I do, Thea mentions it all the time." AJ smiled, "It's good. She's always found it hard making friends."
"She didn't have any in high school?" Punk asked.
"She had Jackson in high school." AJ said.
"Right." Punk nodded, silence filling the air for a moment.
"She tells me they swap books with one another." AJ nodded, "Maybe I'm a little jealous."
"You should start a book club." Punk scoffed as AJ nudged his side.
"You should start a woodwork club." AJ batted back cheekily.
"Ouch, hit me where it really hurts." Punk exaggerated, "Theo would show up, I bet. I've got him into it whilst he's off from work."
"The birds around here are certainly well taken care of then, huh?" She smiled, nuzzling her face against his chest.
A/N: Hey to whoever still reads! I've got a little break from work and college over the holidays so I'm hoping I can maybe hop on here a little more. Hope you are all well.
