Satoru knew he was dreaming because he saw Suguru smiling, and he hadn't seen that for a long, long time.
"You know something?" Suguru said. "I knew we were strong, but I didn't realize we were that strong."
He sat down next to Satoru on the sand, the waves stopping just a few feet away. The sun was setting, bright colors spanning across the sky like paint strokes. Of course, Satoru would dream of Okinawa. It was one of the last times in his life he'd allowed himself to love Suguru.
Even though Satoru knew this wasn't real, he played along as if it were. There wasn't harm in that, right?
"We're the strongest. You and me," he said, leaning his head on Suguru's shoulder. He could smell his cologne, the familiar scent of it going straight to his head.
"And what if there's someone out there who's stronger, huh?" Suguru asked. "What would happen to us then?"
Satoru lifted his head, staring straight into Suguru's eyes. They looked just as they had looked back then, the beauty in them making Satoru's heart ache. "That won't happen."
"Who's to say it won't?"
"What do you think would happen, Suguru?"
Satoru's question hung in the air for a second, the silence filled with the easy lull of the waves. He thought for a second that Suguru wouldn't answer, but after a moment, he said, "If it was a curse, I guess we would die."
"Die," Satoru repeated, the word like poison on his lips. "What would you do if I died?"
Suguru sighed, holding Satoru's hand like he always did. Had, Satoru corrected in his head. He was dreaming after all.
"I would kill whoever hurt you," Suguru said simply, looking over at Satoru with a sad smile on his face. "Or I would die trying."
"And if we were both dead?" Satoru asked.
Suguru rolled his eyes as he got up, holding his hand down for Satoru. "I don't think I like this conversation very much," he said with a nervous laugh.
Satoru reached up and took his hand, remembering how much he'd loved the way that felt. "Don't you think we'd be together on the other side?" Satoru asked, his face only an inch from Suguru's.
"I deal with you enough while I'm living," Suguru joked as he turned to walk towards the dying sun. He still held Satoru's hand, their arms swinging back and forth with each step down the shore. "I hope I'll finally get some peace and quiet."
"Well, I think we'd be together," Satoru said. "It wouldn't be much of a heaven if we weren't. For me, at least."
Suguru stared at him like Satoru was the one who wasn't real. "What's wrong with you?" he asked with a nervous laugh. "You're acting weird."
Satoru wondered what he should say. All the things he'd wanted to tell Suguru when he'd been alive eluded him in that moment, and he was left only with the fear of waking up again. "Am I? Sorry."
"Are you scared of something?" he asked. "I promise you, Satoru. There's nothing in this world you should be afraid of."
Satoru felt like crying. There were so many things he had to be afraid of, and he hadn't realized it until they'd become his reality. He stopped dead in the sand, gripping Suguru's hand so tight he was shaking.
"That's just not true," he said, hating the concerned look on Suguru's face. "Do you not fear the same things?"
"What are you trying to say?"
Satoru's chest began to hurt as the sun slipped just under the horizon. "What are you most afraid of, Suguru?"
"Nothing," he said so confidently that Satoru almost believed him.
"That can't be true."
Suguru scoffed as he stepped closer, his lips parting as he placed his hands on Satoru's shoulders. "We're the strongest. Whatever sick and twisted reality you've made up in your head is ridiculous."
"You never asked me what I'd do if you died," Satoru whispered, knowing he was crying but not knowing how to stop it.
"I don't want to ask you," he answered.
"Just ask me anyway."
Suguru was quiet for a moment, staring straight into Satoru's eyes. Something in his face broke a little as he whispered, "What would you do if I died?"
"I would hate the person that killed you for as long as I lived," Satoru said. "I would never be able to forgive them."
"Is that what you're so afraid of?" Suguru asked, wiping away one of Satoru's tears with his thumb. "There's no point in worrying about something you have no control over."
"You're the best friend I've ever had. Of course, I'm afraid," Satoru said. "Are you afraid of losing me too?"
"Like I said, there's no point in fearing something that will never happen."
Satoru knew he was dreaming, and he would have given anything for his dream to become a reality. Suguru's voice had that familiar deepness. His hair was as dark as Satoru remembered. His touch still sent sparks up through him just like it had when they were young. Of course, Suguru remained young while Satoru lived and aged without him.
"Suguru," Satoru whispered mostly to himself. He loved saying his name even if he had no right to.
"You act like something terrible has happened," he said, smiling awkwardly at Satoru.
It had. There was not enough water in the world that could clean Satoru's hands of Suguru's blood. And there were not enough years in a lifetime to erase the love Satoru had for Suguru either. Each memory remained as fresh in Satoru's mind like they'd happened only a moment before, the bad overwhelming the good.
"I'm only dreaming," Satoru said. "I know you're not real."
Suguru only smiled. "Are you?"
"You're dead."
"But I'm right in front of you."
"That doesn't mean you're not dead."
"What if I said this was real?"
Satoru sighed, holding Suguru's face in his hands. He ran his thumbs across his cheeks and over his lips, remembering how much he'd loved every single detail. "Not even you can make me believe that."
"Then do you hate the person who did this to me?" he asked.
A breeze blew by, ruffling Suguru's long hair into his face a bit. Satoru combed it back and kissed his forehead. "Yes," he answered simply.
"And you'll never forgive them?"
"No."
Suguru smiled. "That must mean you're the strongest now," he said. "But at what cost?"
"Everything."
And that was when Suguru began to fade, his face blending in with the ocean behind him. "You loved me that much, huh?"
"Yes," Satoru whispered as the world without Suguru beckoned to him.
The beach at Okinawa disappeared to reveal the ceiling of his room and Suguru disappeared too, the cold side of his bed reminding him of the truth. The person he loved was never coming back.
He brought his hand to his face, brushing the tears away. Was that the purpose of his dreams? To show him a life he could never hope to have?
It all seemed so sad and hateful and cruel.
