Hard to Replace
"I was just looking for Sean." Kate said as Jude nodded.
"Right." Jude assumed, "Well… he's not here, obviously." She looked around the office, "I didn't know you worked here. Sean told me you were filling in for someone." She said, suddenly wondering if she'd gotten the full truth from her husband, her stomach turning inside, her face remaining cold as ice.
"I was. I am." Kate said, "I get moved around a lot." She explained, "I've been back here for only a couple of weeks." She nodded.
"And you're already looking for him?" Jude asked.
"It's just work related." Kate said, "I know what you must think of me." She said, "I am really sorry for what happened. It wasn't my intention-"
"What was your intention?" Jude shook her head with confusion as Kate looked at her, not knowing what to say, looking down at the ground awkwardly.
"Look, I wasn't the married one here." Kate defended, rolling her shoulders back as Jude watched her get confident, "I didn't break anyone's trust or betray anyone." She said, "So please don't look at me like that." She said as Jude laughed a little, shaking her head.
"You knew he was married." Jude said, "With children." She added, "You knew that and you still made a move on him." She said as Kate folded her arms.
"Look, there was clearly cracks in your relationship. That wasn't my problem." Kate shook her head.
"Did he tell you that?" Jude wondered, "Did he tell you about our relationship?"
"No." Kate said, "Not much."
"So what made you think we had cracks in our relationship then?" Jude questioned, "Is that what you tell yourself? So you can sleep at night?"
"I sleep just fine." Kate assured her, "He just said you were a lot to handle sometimes. He looked stressed whenever he spoke about you." She shrugged as Jude stared at her, trying to figure out if she was being honest. She didn't know this woman. The only thing she knew about her was that she had played part in ruining her marriage. So she knew better than to trust anything that came out of her mouth. Despite that, what she was saying was incredibly painful to hear, especially if it was true.
"Like how?" Jude questioned.
"Like he wanted a break from you." Kate nodded, "Like he'd rather be here at work than go home to you. I mean, he said you'd been through a lot. It's not really my business-"
"You're right. It's not." Jude spat, "I think you're lying to make yourself feel better." She nodded.
"Ok, so I'm lying." Kate shrugged, "Whatever. Like I said, it was your marriage. That's nothing to do with me."
"It became something to do with you when you slept with him whilst I was at home with our children, waiting for him to come home." Jude said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" She shook her head.
"I have work to do. I'll find Sean later." Kate shook her head, trying to back out of the office.
"You can have him." Jude nodded, although she wasn't entirely sure she meant it. She was just angry with this woman.
"What?" Kate shook her head.
"Have him. Make more moves on him. Do what you want. We're getting a divorce." Jude said, in that moment, she'd never been more sure of that decision, especially if Sean had said those things about her and had acted the way Kate was saying he did.
"There really wasn't anything that special going on with us." Kate assured her, "I am sorry to hear that. For your daughters. I had divorced parents growing up so-"
"It's a shame you didn't think about how shitty that felt before you dropped your underwear." Jude nodded, "Little you is so proud of you." She smiled as Kate swallowed the lump in her throat, backing out of the office where she bumped into Sean, immediately pushing past him and down the corridor as Sean turned to look in his office, noticing Jude was there, feeling his stomach drop as he realised she'd just been speaking to Kate.
"Hey." Sean gulped, walking into the office and shutting the door behind him as Jude sat down on the chair behind the desk, rolling her head back and taking a deep breath. It wasn't in her nature to be a nasty person, to be cruel and spit words of hatred, and yet over the past few days she felt like it was all she had done. She hated what all of this was turning her into.
"I just met your little friend." Jude nodded, looking over at him, "You never told me she was back."
"You and I haven't really been talking much about anything." Sean said, "And I've not actually spoken to her. She's only been working here a week or so." He explained, "W-What… what did she say?" He shook his head, curious of course.
"She just told me you were fed up of me." Jude shrugged, "That I was a lot to handle." She continued, "And that you wanted to be here at work rather than go home to me." She nodded as Sean shook his head.
"Well she's lying. Obviously." Sean shook his head, infuriated, "I would never say that… you know I wouldn't."
"I know? What the hell do I know about you anymore?" Jude scoffed, "For all I know you were here with her, talking about how miserable I make you-"
"Well I wasn't. She's just saying those things to make herself feel better. I barely even spoke to her much before it happened. And when we did speak it was about work. What happened was just a… a stupid mistake." Sean said.
"How am I supposed to believe that?" Jude shook her head.
"Well maybe it doesn't matter if you believe it or not, because you're pushing for the divorce. It's not like I got a leg to stand on here." Sean said.
"So you did say all of that?" Jude raised her brows.
"No." Sean said immediately, running his hand through his hair, "No." He shook his head sincerely, "It's me. You know I would never talk about you like that-"
"I thought you would never cheat on me and you did so you can see my dilemma." Jude rolled her eyes.
"Believe me, don't believe me… I know I didn't speak about you like that. I never would. Don't you think I took it seriously the fact I was the one you chose to confide in with… with all the stuff you've been through? You think I would disrespect you or what you've been through like that?" He questioned, "Yeah, I cheated on you and it was stupid and it was all me and I'll regret it for the rest of my life but-"
"You think I would disrespect you? Followed by yeah I cheated on you… may be the dumbest thing I've ever heard someone say." Jude nodded, "And I've heard some dumb shit in my life." She made clear as Sean looked across at her, deflated, no more fight left to give.
"What do you want from me?" Sean asked, "Is this helping you? Fighting with me all the time? Is it helping you get over it? Because that's fine. I'll stand here all day and you can get it all out your system but if it's not, and we're heading for a divorce, and we're finished then I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not fighting with you." He told her as she looked across at him, still sitting down behind the desk, folding her arms.
"Nothing is helping me right now. That's the problem." She said quietly, "I've tried everything. I even tried… really hard to make myself look at other men and feel something." She shook her head, "Instead I just think about you." She said with a sigh, "I saw this really handsome guy at the grocery store back in Chicago." She said as Sean folded his arms, "He smiled at me, I smiled back… I'm not stupid, I know what his smile was saying." She nodded, "And then all I did was stand there, like a stupid idiot, picking out all the things about you that I love, that this guy just didn't have." She shook her head.
"Ok." Sean nodded, not really sure what else to say.
"He gave me his number and told me I had a nice smile." Jude nodded, not sounding thrilled about it, "And I just realised I probably couldn't go there with someone else." She shook her head, "I mean, it took me so long just to let you back in after… what happened." She said, "How do I even begin to explain all of that to someone new?"
"You would figure it out if you wanted to." Sean said, "Like you did with me." She nodded, "If you trusted them and… loved them."
"Well that's the problem, isn't it?" Jude nodded, "I still love you."
"Well I'm sorry that's such a burden for you now. What do you want me to say? I hope you fall out of love with me soon?" He shook his head.
"It'd make this easier." Jude rolled her eyes, sitting back on the chair, looking over at him, "Let's just talk about the house and what the hell is going on." She shook her head, desperate to change the subject.
"Jude?" Sean called, walking into Jude's apartment which she shared with her best friend from college, Kirsty. They'd been dating for quite some time now and was reassured by both Jude and Kirsty that he didn't have to knock anymore.
"Hey." Kirsty came from the kitchen, coat and boots on, either just in from an outing or getting ready to go out for one.
"Hi, Kirsty." Sean nodded, "You off somewhere?" He asked her.
"Yeah, my mom is in town so I'm going to lunch with her." Kirsty smiled, "I invited Jude but she told me you were coming round this afternoon." She nodded.
"So I won?" Sean smiled.
"You won." Kirsty laughed a little, "She was taking a shower last time I checked." She nodded.
"Ok, well you have a good day with your mom." He nodded to her as she smiled, leaving the apartment whilst Sean made his way through to the kitchen. He'd brought Jude her favourite pastry from the bakery he knew she loved along with a coffee, simple things which he knew made her happy.
It had been four months since she had been raped. One out of those four months she had stayed with her parents at their house whilst working through her college course online which was granted by the very sweet and understanding guidance tutors at the institute.
After a month of living with her parents, she'd moved back to her apartment with Kirsty and was slowly but surely trying to regain her life and confidence back. There were set backs, some days she didn't want to leave her bedroom, some days her attack was all she thought about, but she could slowly but surely feel herself getting better, becoming a person again instead of a hermit, afraid of everyone and everything.
In the four months, regardless of where she was staying, Sean had been a constant presence in her life, perhaps more constant than anyone. If he wasn't at work, he was with her. He had become a safety blanket throughout everything she was going through. Whilst she appreciated her family and all they had done and continued to do for her, Sean had been the person she could fully break down in front of if she needed to, which understandably was often. Even in her attempts to push him away at the beginning, when she wasn't sure how she could possibly carry on after what had happened, he never left her side.
"Hey." She said, making her way into the kitchen in some sweats and a tank top, fresh out the shower with her hair still wet.
"Oh, hey." Sean smiled, opening his arm out as she hugged into him, "How are you?" He asked, kissing her head.
"Yeah alright." She nodded, noticing the pastry he'd brought for her, "You really are a man after my own heart." She grinned, reaching for the pastry and taking a bite as it flaked all over her.
"It feels wrong now to pass by that bakery without getting you something." He admitted as she smiled, wiping her mouth as he watched her with a smile.
"Sorry I fell asleep last night on you." She said, sitting the pastry down on the packaging it had come in, reaching for the cup of coffee, "I was just really tired."
"That's ok. You've been busy with your finals." Sean shook his head, "I had a 6am start this morning anyway."
"How was your shift?" Jude nodded, taking her pastry and coffee over to the table, sitting down whilst he stayed standing, leaning against the kitchen counter.
"Slow." He said.
"By slow you mean you didn't get to arrest anyone?" She smiled.
"Well…" He chuckled in agreement, "It's a Monday, no one wants to commit a crime on a Monday." He shrugged as Jude laughed.
"Yeah that could really set you up for a bad week." Jude nodded, "Maybe we could… go out later?" She looked over at him, "For some food or something." She shrugged as he nodded.
It had become difficult for her to be out in the same environment which she was drugged in, so she had avoided it for a while. Even the thought of it at times would send her spiralling into some form of panic attack, but she didn't want to live her life in fear, locking herself out from the world.
"If you feel up to it." Sean nodded, "Sure." He smiled, "Anywhere you want."
"I was kinda in the mood for pizza maybe." She nodded nervously, breaking apart her pastry, beginning to play with it instead of eating it after her appetite had disappeared from thinking about going out. The one thing she had to lean on, the one thing that gave her the confidence she could do it, was knowing she had Sean.
"I'm always in the mood for pizza." Sean nodded as she smiled, getting up from the table and walking over to him, placing her arms around his neck.
"And then maybe you can come back here and stay." She nodded, gazing up at him, "And I won't fall asleep." She made clear as he smiled, placing his arms around her waist.
"Jude." He shook his head, "You don't gotta force… that." He assured her as she nodded.
"I know that but… I don't feel like I'll have to." She nodded.
The truth was, she hadn't been able to be intimate with him beyond a kiss since her attack. She didn't have to question herself why that was, she knew. So did he. Which made it easier to handle. She definitely wanted to go there with him, but whenever they got close to it she'd freeze and it suddenly seemed impossible with so much going on in her head.
"I'll come back here and stay with you, regardless of what you want to do with me." He said as she chuckled a little, leaning her head on his chest.
"That sounds really bad." She chuckled as he nodded.
"It does but I'm serious." He said as she looked up at him, "You know that's not why I'm here. It's not what I'm waiting on." He made clear as she nodded. She knew that anyway.
"I know." She said, looking up at him, "I love you." She nodded.
"I love you." He replied.
