Dear Phil
Dear Phil
Cassie got player of the match today at her soccer game. She scored two goals. I should have known she was going to be a soccer striker with all the kicking she done when I was pregnant. She's just turned six and I swear the kids calf muscles are bigger than mine. I don't know if that's good for her or embarrassing for me. We celebrated like we always do. Ice-cream. Cassie got the banana split like she always does. Jude got mint choc chip and Thea, hot chocolate fudge sundae, of course. They're both creatures of habit because I seriously don't think I've ever seen them order any other ice-cream before.
I'm feeling good today. I'm only starting to realise these letters are always shorter when I'm having a good day which maybe doesn't make sense, but when I'm feeling good there's not much to really say I guess. I've stopped trying to make myself feel guilty whenever I feel good. I used to think it was like some kind of betrayal to you. How could I ever smile or laugh or be happy whilst you're still in that place? But I know you'd hate for me to think like that. You always said my laugh was your favourite thing about me. That and my ass. I've love to know which one you miss the most. I probably wouldn't judge you if you said my ass. Some days I find myself missing your voice or those green eyes, other days it's your mouth, all the things you could do with it. Sorry, I really don't intend for these letters to turn into exerts from erotic novels but it's just where my head goes sometimes. Don't you think it's crazy how you can miss the weirdest things about people when you go so long without seeing them? I miss hearing you clear your throat before you speak. I miss hearing you brush your teeth in the morning. I really want to know what weird thing you miss about me. Maybe you write them down too.
I'm trying to plan a summer vacation for the girls. We were invited along with Renee and Dean and their girls but the last time we went on vacation with them I wanted to cry every time I watched them kissing or even holding hands. Loneliness can make you kinda evil. I started thinking bad things. Started thinking why couldn't it have been Dean? Why was it you? And then I vowed never to go on vacation with them again for that reason. They look out for me and I love them both but I wouldn't lie if I said I wasn't completely jealous that they still have each other and I'm sat here writing you letters I never even plan to give you.
So it's just me and the three amigas this year, although Thea doesn't seem interested. She wants to stay at home with Jackson or invite him with us. I don't want either. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes. What was I like when I was nineteen? Obsessed with you. So maybe I get it. But I can't look at that boy in the face and pretend like I'm ok with him in my life or in Thea's life. Not when he is the reason you're not here. But he makes Thea happy I think. She laughs a lot with him. Her face lights up when she talks about him. She's been through so much so I can't possibly take away one of the only good things she has.
So maybe it will be just me, Jude and Cassie on vacation this year. I'm going to look on the computer tonight at different places we could go. As long as Jude can take her books and her art things, she won't care where we go. Maybe somewhere near the coast. I hope Thea changes her mind and decides to come with us. Maybe she'll feel sorry for me and change her mind. I see her feeling sorry for me a lot more these days. She probably senses how much I still miss you. She probably feels the same, she just doesn't want to say it out loud. She doesn't actually speak about you. Not at all. I'm only writing this down because I know you won't need to read these. This is for my benefit. But I can't remember the last time she spoke about you or acknowledged you. And it's been so long where I don't think I would even bring you up around her at this point. It breaks my heart. She was such a daddy's girl. You were the first person she looked for in the school yard when we'd pick her up. I didn't take offence. In fact, I preferred it that way, knowing she had the most amazing father in you. God, I miss you.
I'm writing this in the kitchen whilst Jude and Cassie are in the living room watching Pocahontas. It's Cassie's favourite. She knows every word to Colors of the Wind. She sings it in the bath a lot. She makes me sing it with her. She's very persuasive. Very you. Thea is out with Jackson, she met him after we got ice-cream. If there's one thing I know for sure about her relationship with him is that he doesn't come before her little sisters. I hope he never does.
Love Always
April
Punk knelt on his knees in the attic, holding the letter he'd just read, one which was addressed to him. He wasn't sure what to think of it, what it meant or why his wife had wrote him a letter which she wasn't intending to give him. Wrote him multiple letters over the years he was in prison.
He looked in the box. There had to have been over one hundred at least. Not once had she ever told him about writing him letters. He wasn't sure when she started writing them or when she stopped. He just knew he could feel her loneliness just from the first one he'd read.
He flicked to another one in the pile he'd collected from the spillage on the floor, reading into it as intrigued as he was with the first one.
Dear Phil
Our baby girl needs help. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. She doesn't look like our Thea anymore. Doesn't act like her. I'm trying so hard to think about what you would do if you were here. What you would say to her. How you would try and get through to her. Because I'm really struggling watching the beautiful little girl we brought into the world, do everything in her power to take herself back out of it.
The letter carried on but Punk didn't read anymore. His wife had told him about everything he'd missed when he was gone, but not in such detail, not to the extent where he felt like he could really feel everything that was happening, even if it was twenty years ago. He had no idea she had done this. There were hundreds of them.
"This is a nice place." Jude nodded, standing in the apartment which Sean had been staying at ever since they split up. He'd invited her to stay there for the time being until they got a little closer to finding out who had broken into their house. She took him up on the offer.
"It's alright." Sean shrugged. To him, it was the place he stayed at without his wife and children, therefore he hated it.
"Do the girls like it here?" Jude wondered, sitting down on the sofa whilst he wandered over to the open kitchen across the room.
"They seem to, yeah." Sean said, "It's hard to tell what they've been thinking during all of this." He said.
"Mirren asked me one night if we don't like each other anymore." Jude told him as he turned and looked at her, "I told her of course we like each other. And we both love them so much." She nodded, "I could see her looking at me trying to figure out what I was really saying between the lines." She nodded.
"They're too young to really understand any of this shit." He shook his head, grabbing a beer from the fridge and popping it open, "You want a drink?"
"You got any wine?" She asked, standing up and making her way to the kitchen area, sitting down on one of the bar stools.
"No wine." He shook his head, "I got some vodka, though."
"That will do." Jude nodded tiredly, watching him get a glass out, pouring some in and then opening the fridge up for the cranberry juice, "Oh, just leave that. Why bother?" She shook her head.
"Ok." Sean laughed a little, sliding the glass over to her as she shotted it in the one go.
"I watched Sam drink this stuff like it was water one time." Jude shook her head, screwing her face up at the taste, feeling it burning her throat all the way down, "What a lunatic." She shook her head as Sean nodded.
"That she was." He agreed, taking a drink of his beer as she watched him.
"You think someone wants to hurt me?" She asked him calmly as he sat his beer down, placing his hands on the table standing across from her.
"I really hope not." He looked at her, "But regardless of what this is, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. It's probably best if you go back to Chicago. Be with the girls." He nodded, "I'll stay here and figure out what's going on."
"How can you not let anything happen to me if we're in different states?" She asked, "And the girls go back to school next week." She pointed out.
"I'm hoping we find whoever this is by next week." He nodded truthfully, "I'm going to the office in the morning to look into other break ins in the neighbourhood recently, see if there's any sort of similarities." He said, "You can stay here. Use whatever you need." He told her.
"Thank you." She nodded.
"I'm sorry you had to bump into Kate earlier." He cleared his throat as Jude looked at him, "I'm sure it's not something you wanted. I know you don't lie confrontation."
"No. I don't. Certainly not with women who have fucked my husband." She shook her head, sliding the glass back towards him, indicating for a refill.
"Right." Sean nodded, pouring her another shot, sliding back over to her.
"Were you attracted to her?" Jude asked him, "She is pretty."
"No." He shook his head, "I never looked at her and felt anything." He clarified.
"So how do you end up screwing her? I genuinely want to know the process?" She shook her head.
"I just wasn't thinking. My head was up my ass. Working too much cases." He said, "It all just sounds like excuses. I know it does. But I just… wasn't thinking. How could I have been? To do something like that to you?" He asked as she looked at him, staying quiet, "Jude, we can't keep having the same argument over and over again… it's getting us nowhere. If you want a divorce… if that's what will make you happy-"
"Of course it won't make me happy, you idiot." Jude shook her head angrily.
"Then what will?" He asked, "Because whatever you need from me, in order for you to be happy, I'll give you it… in a heartbeat, regardless of how I feel." He nodded.
"Let's just figure out who has such an issue with my art studio." She shook her head, taking the shot of vodka, "I'll take the couch." She told him, wandering back to the couch and collapsing down on it whilst he finished his beer in the kitchen.
