Shame
"Phil, what are you doing up there?" AJ reached the top of the stairs, looking up towards the opened attic, beginning to climb up the ladders, a tad concerned that he had been gone for so long.
"I got it." He called, making his way down the ladders as she stepped back.
"What took you so long?" She shook her head.
"I just couldn't find it." Punk said.
"How could you have missed it?" She scoffed, "I suppose it is a mess up there." She said.
"Yeah, it really is. We should clear it out one day." He said, folding the ladders up into the attic and sealing the board back over.
"Oh, why bother now?" She waved her hand, "It's a tidy mess." She nodded, making her way downstairs as he followed behind.
"I can assure you it's not." He scoffed, "I mean we got a crib up there. Why?"
"It was the crib I used for the girls." She said.
"And?" He scoffed, reaching the bottom of the stairs, "It's not like we need it now, is it? Give it to charity. You gave your wedding dress to charity." He remembered.
"Maybe I could give it to Cassie for when the baby comes." She thought about it.
"I'm sure she'll be thrilled with a forty year old, dusty crib that's been sat in our attic for twenty eight years." She said.
"She would be thrilled about that, actually." AJ nodded, "Do you think they get to pick? If it's a boy or a girl?" She wondered, "I forgot to ask them when they told us."
"Unless the pregnant woman who picks them has found out the sex." Punk said, "Maybe they won't know until it's here." He shrugged.
"Oh, maybe." AJ nodded, looking up at him, "You alright?" She wondered, his voice seemed shaky and he seemed a little off.
"Yeah." Punk shrugged, "I'll give this into my dad, you sort the girls out." He said as she nodded.
"Ok." She said, heading back through to the kitchen whilst he made his way into the living room.
"Here's a duvet if you insist on sleeping down here." Punk told his father, "I'll get you pillows later."
"I don't need all of this." Dan scoffed, looking over at the TV, "I don't get these channels in my house, though. Will I see the hockey game tonight?" He wondered.
"Yeah." Punk laughed a little, "You don't pay for your sport networks?" He asked.
"No." Dan shook his head, "Of course not." He said, "Will you tell April to not make a fuss about me? Pretend I'm not here. I don't need anyone taking care of me."
"She just wants to make sure you're ok." Punk said, "I know it's a foreign concept given you had to deal with Sam as a wife-"
"Never married her." Dan reminded him.
"Thank God says you." Punk nodded, "Remember you got the nurse coming here to visit you in the morning to give you these new meds-"
"Do you think I'll be off on an outing somewhere?" Dan asked.
"No, I'm just reminding you." Punk scoffed as Dan nodded, "Dinner shouldn't be long." He said, leaving the living room, heading through to the kitchen, pausing as he watched AJ with Mirren and Leela. All he could think about was the image of her in this kitchen, sitting at the table, writing him letters, tears smudging the ink against the paper, all alone.
Dear Phil
Thea graduated high school today. She's one determined kid. Even with everything she's been through these past couple years she got straight A's and now she's off to study medicine at college. Gosh, I'm so proud of her. I had a pep talk with myself, told myself I wouldn't cry, but it was impossible. I hope she's as proud of herself as I am of her. And I hope she gets over the embarrassment of Dean whistling and cheering the loudest during the graduation ceremony. If you were here, I know that's exactly how you'd be acting so I guess he just fills in for you. He's good at that.
We're going out to dinner to one of Thea's favourite places to celebrate. Her order hasn't changed since you were last here, by the way. Cheeseburger. Everywhere she goes. I got balloons for the table and a cake. She'll hate the fuss but I don't really care. I'm so proud of her. I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I know Thea does too. She'll never admit it, that's just how she deals with you not being here anymore. She sort of blocks it out. I wish I could do that. Maybe from everyone else's perspective, I have blocked it out, but I don't get through a single day without thinking about you and what you're doing.
Times like this, I've thought so much about coming back to visit you but for some reason, visiting you was almost becoming just as painful as not seeing you. I'm not sure if you'd agree, or if that makes sense, but I don't think I ever left a visit from you without crying in my car the entire way home. And I guess the bitter AJ in me keeps thinking about how we left things. How mad you seemed with me. How you genuinely looked like you blamed me. Deep down I know you were just hurting, and so was I with everything going on at home with Thea. Maybe now that she's better I can think with a clearer head, think about where you were coming from. Think about how hard it must be for you in there. At least I still get these moments with the girls. I don't have to miss anything. Missing you is devastating enough.
She doesn't know if she wants to be a doctor or a pharmacist yet but I know she'll figure it out. I really hope you don't have to miss her college graduation. It's hard for me to think about what that might look like. You being here again. It took so long to get used to you not being around, and I'm not really used to it as such but it has gotten easier. The it is what it is phrase gets thrown around in this house a lot.
I should probably wrap this one up because I can hear Jude and Cassie fighting in the living room and we need to leave soon if we're going to make our reservation on time, which we won't, because I can still hear Thea getting ready. I'd give anything for you to be here right now. I won't tell her but I'll give Thea a hug for you.
Love Always
April
Punk sat in the kitchen through the night, having read some more of the letters he'd found in the attic, having gone back up once AJ was asleep, bringing a pile down and going through them in the kitchen.
Some were light-hearted, putting a smile on his face as he read them in his wife's voice. But some were heart-breaking, to the point where he couldn't finish them. He wondered if this was how she stayed sane over the years. He knew she was strong but he always did wonder how she hadn't had some kind of nervous breakdown with everything that went on. Perhaps this had been her saving grace. Her only way of venting her stress.
"What are you doing awake?" Dan walked into the kitchen as Punk gathered the letters he'd been reading up in a pile, "Homework?" He scoffed.
"I couldn't sleep." Punk shook his head, "Why are you up?"
"Same." He nodded, silence falling over the kitchen as Punk coughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck whilst Dan put his hands behind his back, "So uh… what is this you're reading, seriously?" He nodded.
"Oh, it's just…" Punk picked the letters up, shaking his head, not really knowing what to say. He'd read enough to know his wife had never intended for anyone to read these, and part of him felt like he was invading her privacy by reading them, but he just couldn't help it.
"Just what?" Dan asked.
"Oh, it's nothing." Punk shook his head, moving them over to the other side of the table, face down, "I've actually been asked by Cassie and Theo if I could write their letter of recommendation. For the adoption agency." He nodded.
"You're the chosen one, huh?" Dan nodded.
"Looks like it." Punk said nervously, "I mean, it's not going to be hard to write amazing things about my daughter. Piece of cake." He nodded, "But it's an important thing." He said.
"Of course it is." Dan agreed, "But they're great parents. I don't doubt that someone will read all about them and not immediately pick them." He nodded with confidence.
"Yeah." Punk smiled in agreement, "How you been feeling?" He asked, "No chest pain, right?"
"No, not yet." Dan shook his head.
"Yet." Punk rolled his eyes, "Try being positive for once." He shook his head as Dan waved his hand at him, "Do you need anything?"
"Oh, no. I just wanted to know why you were awake, that's all." Dan nodded, "Hard, isn't it?" He looked at Punk.
"What is?" Punk looked over at him.
"Sleeping." Dan nodded, "After doing it with one eye opened for so long." He said as Punk nodded slowly, looking down at the table, "You got pills for it?" He asked curiously.
"I don't do pills." Punk scoffed.
"I don't either, but they offered me them." Dan said, "Sometimes I wish I took them. I'd give anything just to sleep peacefully for once." He nodded.
"It's not as bad as it used to be." Punk assured him. He convinced himself that he didn't have anything in common with his father, but that wasn't true of course. They had one very big thing in common.
"Night sweats?" Dan asked as Punk nodded, "Nightmares?" He asked as Punk nodded again.
"And panic attacks." Punk added, "They came a little after. Didn't know what it was. I actually thought it was a heart attack I was having at first." He nodded, "I did go to therapy for that." He nodded quietly.
"Good for you." Dan nodded, "Better?"
"Yeah, much." Punk nodded positively, "It was a while ago. Started just before James was born."
"It's not easy." Dan understood, "You think when you're in there, you'll walk out those gates and everything will be fine again. You think life will feel just how it used to." He said, "And then you realise the world has moved on whilst you were stuck in the same damn spot for decades, and somehow you gotta catch up and it feels like you never will." He said as Punk nodded in agreement, feeling every single word his father spoke.
"It's a shame that this is what we've got to bond over." Punk smiled a little as Dan nodded.
"Yeah, a real shame." Dan agreed.
