A/n: This chapter is dark too next one should be a little lighter. The lines I used from OC season 2 episode 22 friend or foe belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.

"This whole thing with Lyles was my fault I-I should have listened to you and had him taken off my case to begin with," Olivia whispered while sipping on her soup as Fin and Barba had just left the hospital.

"No Liv please don't say that it isn't your fault all of the blame goes on him."

"B-But if I had had him taken off my case right away like you suggested maybe"-

Elliot shook his head and stroked her hair gently "please don't do this to yourself baby," he whispered.

She sighed slightly "you know I-I just really wanna go home... I-I want these leads off me and I wanna be at home in my own bed where I feel safe," she said as she took a few more sips of soup then went to stand up.

Elliot kept his hand in her hair and continued gently stroking it as he put his other hand gently on her shoulder "please don't try and move Liv you're safe honey I promise I'm here."

"E-El I-I can't lay here any longer my PTSD's getting to me p-please I-I just wanna go."

"Baby..." he whispered tearfully as he lightened the touch of his hand which was on her shoulder and rubbed it gently with his thumb "I-it's not that I don't wanna take you out of here I do b-but I'm scared to."

"I-I'll be fine," she whispered.

"What if you have another heart attack though? They're adamant on keeping you tonight because they need to monitor you to make sure you don't have another one."

"I-I'm more likely to have another one from the stress of having to keep staying here."

He nodded slightly "w-what if I hold you again?"

She sighed "I-I don't know," she whispered as just then the curtain opened "captain Benson?" a doctor in her early 60s greeted as she had a kind smile, brown eyes and long blonde hair.

Olivia looked up and the doctor smiled at her "my name is doctor Tammy Akins I heard about what happened to you and I'm here to make sure you're alright."

She nodded slightly "I-I'm fine I just wanna go home."

She nodded "do you know why you're here?"

"Yeah I-I had a heart attack at work."

Dr. Akins nodded "so you must understand then why you being discharged right now isn't the best idea?"

"I-I understand it yes but I was violated in here, my skin is crawling and all I want is to feel safe and not confined."

She nodded sympathetically "I believe charges were brought against Dr. Lyles, the primary doctor on your case yes?"

Olivia nodded "I arrested him for sexual assault three but I think it was dropped down to forcible touching," Elliot said.

Akins nodded "are you one of the officers assigned to her case?"

"I'm a police officer and I arrested him because I caught him in the act but I'm not here for that reason no."

She nodded and her gaze then shifted to his left eye "sir has anyone looked at your eye?"

"I'm fine I don't want you guys worrying about me."

Dr. Akins nodded and her gaze moved back to Olivia "you're gonna need to continue to stay here for the rest of the night it's unsafe for you to leave with out being observed a little more but you'll only have female doctors and nurses going forward and I think I can maybe let you ride outside in a wheelchair and get a couple minutes of fresh air later assuming your next EKG comes back okay."

She nodded slightly and sighed resignedly "f-fine," she whispered.

Akins smiled slightly and left the room and Olivia curled further into herself attempting to self soothe "baby?" Elliot whispered softly after a couple minutes.

"Hmm?" she asked turning her head to face him.

"Can I hold you? I won't if you don't want me to but I know it helped you earlier and I want you to feel as safe as it's possible for you to feel while you're here."

She sighed slightly "w-we haven't been dating for very long and I need to p-prove that..."

"Prove what baby?" he asked softly.

"T-That I'm strong," she whispered.

"Ohh Liv you already proved that to me honey... You proved that to me years ago and you've been strong for me ever since I came back."

She nodded slightly "I-I just don't like you seeing me this way I-I don't want you to think that..." she shook her head quickly stopping herself.

"You don't want me to think what Liv?" he asked patiently.

She shook her head slightly and reached her hand out as he gently took it "please tell me baby... Please if we're gonna be 100% happy together we've gotta talk these things out."

Her heart rate was gradually increasing "I... I don't want you to think that...," she was whispering but her voice faded out as nurses swarmed the room "sir step away! Step away!" one said.

"It's okay it's okay it's okay," Elliot murmured to everyone trying to exude calm in a situation which was everything but.

"Sir step back we have to look her over her heart is beating at a dangerously high rate!" the nurse said.

"Okay okay," he whispered as he gently extracted his hand from Liv's grasp "everything's okay baby, everything's okay," he said softly as he moved away enough so they could work.

Liv's mind was in a terrified fog as she felt confined, felt her heart racing and thought she heard Elliot's voice "E-E-El?" she whispered opening her eyes.

When she opened them though she just saw people she didn't know hovering over top of her and around her at all angles, none of them being Elliot "Elliot! Elliot Elliot where are you?!" she pleaded reaching out wildly as her heart rate got faster and faster.

"Baby it's okay! It's okay you're okay you're okay..." he attempted to soothe from the opposite corner of the room while a nurse grabbed her arms "hold still ma'am. Hold still and take deep breaths."

She froze in terror for a moment realizing now that she could no longer move her arms "E-El... E-El El El El p-please h-help me El! P-Please h-help!" she cried completely hysterical now.

"L-Let her arms go... P-Please just let go of her let me go back over to her I-I can calm her down if you'll just let me," he pleaded while watching her hyperventilate and grow more terrified every second.

"I can't release her she could strike out and harm us and you have to stay out of our way until we get this episode of tachycardia under control."

"Goddammit do you not fucking understand?! She's not gonna calm down until you let me fucking do it!" he raged as he tried to cross the space to her bed but was grabbed by a mail nurse "let go of me," he demanded.

"No no no no no no L-Lewis p-please don't, p-please no, p-please no, NOOO!" she whaled and Akins ran into the room "two of Haldol IM!" she demanded.

Elliot wrenched himself out of the male nurses grasp and ran to her bedside "don't do that to her... Please, please don't do that to her she's just afraid she's just afraid... She isn't a threat to any of you she's just afraid..."

"Sir I know that but she's so afraid at the moment that it's become dangerous to her health."

"I-I can calm her down please, please just all of you back off and give me the chance! Please..."

She shook her head "I'm sorry sir really but for right now the hospital is taking over decision making capacity for her because she isn't capable and only Odafin Tutuola can override our decision," she said as Olivia's cries were growing weaker, the medication having just been administered.

Elliot glared and sighed "you know you're gonna be lucky if she doesn't sue this place for causing her emotional pain and suffering I'm gonna encourage her to do it."

Akins sighed sadly "we're only making sure that she can't harm herself or others, Shelby soft restraints please," she said quickly leaving the room as Olivia was now fully asleep.

Elliot's expression became even more dangerous then "y-you're gonna have to calm down or you'll have to leave," one of the young nurses said.

Elliot said nothing, his whole body trembling with rage as nurse Shelby applied the restraints and the young nurse administered some heart medication into her IV as once they were finished they both left the room.

The moment they were gone he took the restraints off her "I-I'm so sorry they did this to you baby, so so sorry I-I'm so sorry I couldn't stop them I-I should have never left, I-I should have never left," he murmured tearfully as he got on the bed and pulled her into his arms, placing her ear on his heart, her hand in his beard and her other hand in his as although he felt awful for holding her with out her consent he knew that when she woke she would have hated the other alternative more as with his free hand he turned his phone on and began to google, determined that this hospital would royally regret how they had treated her today.

In the process of googling he received 3 calls from Brooster, 2 from Jet and 4 from Bell stop calling me! he sent in a group text to all of them as he then took a screenshot of the information he had found about the use of restraints and the form that he felt he should have received but didn't.

Donnelly's been standing in front of the train tracks with a gun pointed at himself for two hours. He'll only speak to you, Elliot read as the message from Bell popped up on his screen.

Sneak up behind him, use force and cuff him I'm not leaving he sent.

Bell: Where are you anyway? I've been calling for hours.

Elliot: The hospital.

Bell: Did they treat your eye?

Elliot: It's a bit better now.

Bell: If you can see then I need you to come.

Elliot: I'm not leaving!

Bell: How's captain Benson?

Elliot: Not good.

Bell: We only need you to talk him down then you can go back.

Elliot: I'm not leaving!

Brooster: Do you want his death to be on your hands?

Elliot: No... But I can't leave.

Bell: Will you talk to him on the phone?

Elliot: Fine he sent and a minute later his phone vibrated with a video call "Stabler," he answered.

Donnelly held the phone with 1 hand and a gun to his heart with the other "I should have known you know that? God I should have known when she said I was your second best partner," he said bitterly as although Elliot had focused the camera view on himself as much as he could it was impossible not to see Olivia's hand in his beard.

"Let them take you in Frank, it's over it's the end of the line you know that," Elliot said.

"In for what an ice cream comb? No way I know what I'm in for on the inside."

Elliot sighed as his thumb was caressing Olivia's hand "I didn't want it to end this way but it did and this is where we are."

"Yeah well! How did you think it was gonna end?" he demanded bitterly.

"Lower your voice," he said calmly.

Donnelly scoffed, shook his head and stepped closer to the tracks as he paced from foot to foot "let me ask you something Stabler! Why?"

He sighed again "I had to I took an oath."

"So did I..."

"No you didn't you took two Frank... One when you became a cop and the second when you stopped being one."

Donnelly was quiet for a moment then sighed deeply "Nobody cares about cops except other cops I told you that we're all we have!"

He sighed "you're right maybe it used to be that way but that's no excuse to become corrupt. Cops are supposed to support each other and protect the city not do... Not do what you have."

Donnelly sighed bitterly "I gave you something I never gave anybody else okay!" he said as a nurse was walking in and Elliot watched her approach and shoved the restraints underneath the mattress "I let you into my family! I named one of my kids after you! I set you and your family up for life...! You threw that all away..." he said disappointedly as he inched a little closer to the track.

"Why are her restraints off?" the nurse demanded and Elliot sighed now attempting to split his focus "because she doesn't need them she was just afraid," he said as he then focused back on Donnelly "back up Frank, back up you don't need to do this you were a good cop, a decorated officer... Maybe you lost your way along the way but I know you still have good inside you I saw it when you helped that DV vic."

"Yeah well," he sighed "if I do that what are they gonna do huh? Make an example out of me? Put me away for 99 plus one? No I can't live like that..." he said resignedly as a train rolled in.

"They've gotta take you in Frank. Maybe when they do you can work something out with the DA but they've gotta take you in."

Donnelly shook his head with a defiant glare "they don't pal and just so you know captain Benson? She's got skeletons in her closet just like me you think she's innocent? Well she's not she committed perjury and killed a man so maybe you'll take her down too just like you have me."

"She didn't kill anybody Frank she couldn't and she wouldn't lie on the stand."

Donnelly just shrugged as the train barreled closer and he stepped out further "Frank don't..."

"You broke my heart pal," he said sadly throwing down the gun then stepping the rest of the way over and the next thing Elliot knew there was extremely loud noise then the camera went black, the phone having been presumably destroyed by the train as his face contorted in slight horror and shock and he just held Olivia's sedated form closer to him.

"Sir I... I need to redo her restraints," the nurse said also shocked at what she had just heard.

Elliot shook his head slightly several times as he was still pretty much unable to come up with coherent thoughts "I have to sir they have to be on her until Dr. Akins revokes the order."

Elliot shook his head as when his phone vibrated again he declined the call from Bell and pulled up the screenshots he had taken earlier "they actually don't because I don't consent and corporate find law dot com says that if the person with the patient doesn't consent then as long as they stay with them , restrain them themselves when necessary and monitor them then you can't and you guys were supposed to give me a form to sign with this information on it. I'm a detective have been for 31 years I know how this stuff works," he said as he showed her his phone screen.

"Sir you aren't her next of kin or medical proxy this only applies to those people."

"Then you guys need to call him because he wouldn't consent to this either it isn't fair to punish her for being afraid and if she wakes up like that she'll just be even more afraid."

The nurse nodded slightly "okay I'll contact him but I do need to reapply them until he lets us know one way or the other."

Elliot shook his head as bile rose in his throat from what he had to say next but he pushed on "you really don't have to do that the way I have her in my arms she'd have a hard time going anywhere."

She nodded "maybe but she could wake up and kick out or strike you in the face."

"She wouldn't do that I make her feel safe."

The nurse sighed thoughtfully as when Elliot's phone vibrated again he sighed angrily "one minute!" he snapped at Bell as he sat it back down with the line still on "sir I'll go talk to Dr. Akins but I'm gonna need the restraints back."

"I don't know where they are," he lied with a straight face.

"Yes you do sir," she said calmly.

He sighed "all I know is I tossed them somewhere while I was negotiating with the convict I'm sorry I don't remember exactly where," he lied again, completely believably.

The nurse just nodded, sighed and left the room as Elliot sighed, laid back into the pillows and readjusted Olivia in his arms "yeah," he asked Bell.

"Do I even wanna know what that was just about?" she asked.

"No and I wouldn't tell you anyway."

She chuckled slightly "well at least you're honest. Listen Donnelly's gone he ran out in front of the train it was instant."

"I know," he said through a heavy sigh.

She nodded "I don't know exactly how much you saw but help's out there Stabler. Take it if you need it."

He just sighed heavily again and Bell nodded "you know it isn't your fault right?"

"Everything's my fault Ayanna, everything," he whispered.

"I doubt captain Benson would agree."

"She wouldn't and that's what makes it worse cuz she should."

Bell just nodded "listen telling you about Donnelly wasn't my only reason for calling."

He sighed "here we go if you're telling me to come in don't even waste your breath."

"Elliot you're gonna be receiving the combat cross on Saturday."

He sat there for a minute stunned with his fingers strumming through Liv's hair "w-what?"

Bell just nodded "it's for your quick thinking in coming up with the plan of your fake death then the bravery and fortitude you showed in finding and arresting all those men."

"I-I don't want it. Especially not for that if I hadn't done that Olivia wouldn't be in this hospital bed right now."

"I'm sorry but whether you want it or not the brass wants it so it's happening and please don't say that you saved a lot of lives."

Elliot sighed heavily and bit his tongue hard to avoid telling Bell a truth that he felt wasn't good for her to know "I'll do my best to be there on Saturday," he said flatly.

"Elliot there's no doing your best you have to be there."

"I'll try my best," he repeated as he saw Dr. Akins walking in "I have to go Ayanna."

"Okay but you have to tell me you'll be there. They're holding it at 1pp at 6 o'clock."

"I'll try my best, bye bye," he said ending the call and Bell sighed from the crime scene "what's gotten into him?" Brooster asked.

"We pushed him to far and from the sounds of things I think captain Benson had some sort of breakdown I overheard someone ask him where some missing restraints were."

Brooster sighed "if she was sent to some kind of mental hospital that would explain his unwillingness to leave."

Bell nodded "it doesn't help that he blames himself for her predicament."

"That's ridiculous he was doing what he had to do as an undercover officer involved in a huge operation. Does he not realize how much good his actions did?"

"I'm sure he does but think about it from his point of view we only allowed him to have minimum interaction with her throughout the operation which caused them to go through a third round of radio silence. He probably feels like his fake death caused her heart attack and that she thinks that he cares about the job more than her or something and wants to prove that that's not the case."

Brooster sighed "she knew what she was signing up for."

Bell just shrugged and sighed "those two are a pair I'll never fully understand and quite frankly I have more important things to worry about," she said and they both walked off in opposite directions.

xxxxx

"Mr. Stabler I've taken a more thorough look at captain Benson's medical history and I want to apologize to you you were right waking up restrained after everything she went through would be the worse thing I could do for her mental health," Akins said.

Elliot nodded "I'm glad you guys are finally hearing me," he said as although it really hurt him deeply to know that she had been hurt so badly that it was in her medical history he didn't show any of that emotion to the hospital staff determined that he would hear about it all from Liv when she was ready and not panic or demand information.

Akins just nodded "so we won't call her medical proxy then."

Elliot nodded "I'm fine with that as long as we have an understanding, absolutely no more restraints."

"We do sir," she said as he nodded slightly then pulled the restraints out from there hiding place under the mattress and handed them to the doctor "I knew you knew where they were," the nurse said.

Elliot just nodded "I'm sorry I had to deceive you but I was protecting the woman I love."

She just nodded "you know sir you should really get some sleep it's going on 11 PM, you look exhausted and we have some very comfortable recliners in the waiting room," Akins said.

Elliot shook his head "'I'll just sleep here I don't want her waking up alone."

She nodded "alright then someone will be in to check on her in a few hours."

Elliot nodded and when both the nurse and doctor were gone he sighed in relief for the first time since she had been sedated and restrained as he stroked her hair for a few minutes, made sure none of his kids or Bernie had tried to reach him then turned his phone completely off to conserve the rest of his battery.

As a little time passed though and the silence besides the steady sound of the monitors consumed him dark thoughts began creeping into his head despite his efforts to stop them.

Was she tied to a bed? Could she not move? Did the guy, Lewis something by what she cried out burn the key scar into her breast? Or did he carve the shape of it into her breast...

A wave of nausea coursed through him at the horrifying thought as his body shuddered and he choked down more bile she said there's more of them how many more? Did the sadistic prick torture her with anything else? Or carve any other shapes into her skin?

He began to quietly gag then as he quickly put Liv down and ran to the men's restroom and vomited the son of a bitch better be dead... He better be dead or I'll kill him slowly, so slowly he won't know what hit him it'll be slowly, painfully and methodically. If he's in jail I'll pretend, I'll pretend to be his friend for long enough to gain his trust then I'll break him out, I'll break him out, take him to an abandoned factory and do everything he did to Liv to him then I'll let him starve to death slowly, so slowly I'll give him tiny crumbs of food every once and a while, not enough for him to be satisfied just enough for him to have to stay in the hell I created for him for just a little while longer...

He finished vomiting and started washing his face paying special attention to make sure that his beard was clean would Liv approve though? I'd like to think she would but I know she wouldn't and if I did this I'd have to tell her. I'd have to tell her so when she heard that he escaped she wouldn't panic the last thing I would want would be for her to panic...

He sighed and shook his head to himself you can't Elliot there's to many moving parts to much chance you'd get caught and you can't give her the love and nurturing she needs and deserves from behind bars. It was a good thought though, he decided as he smiled slightly to himself, threw his paper towel away then left the bathroom "you guys got any breath mints?" he asked approaching the nurses station.

She nodded and silently handed him a couple "thank you," he said as he popped one into his mouth, went back into Liv's room then held her like he did before.

Next morning, 1:28 AM.

Elliot was in a light sleep and he woke up feeling slight movement in his arms "hey Liv," he murmured softly as he rubbed her back.

"E-El? I hope it's you? I don't wanna be in anyone else's arms..." she trailed off worriedly.

He kissed her temple gently "it's just me baby don't worry."

She sighed in relief as her body relaxed and her fingers ran through his beard slightly "where are we?"

"We're still at Mercy," he said softly.

She sighed slightly and nodded "I-I remember I was trying to tell you something then I got scared but that's it... I-It was around 10 o'clock then w-what time is it now?"

"1:30," he said soothingly.

She tensed again "w-why can't I remember the last few hours? I-I feel so confused and groggy..."

He stroked her hair gently "the doctor taking care of you sedated you baby that's why you don't remember you've been out for those hours."

She sighed slightly and shuddered "I-I hate drugs like that I-I hate being unconscious like that..."

"I'm sorry Liv, I really really am baby I tried to stop them but they wouldn't listen to me."

She nodded slightly "I-it's not your fault El thank you for trying. Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Yeah a little."

She nodded "how are your ribs and chest? Do they still hurt?"

He smiled slightly and kissed her temple "don't worry about me baby. Do you need anything? Something to drink maybe?"

"I-I'm good El I think I might just go back to sleep I feel really sleepy."

"Okay honey," he said softly as he began hypnotically stroking her hair "El?" she said through a yawn.

"Hmm?"

"I-I might have nightmares," she whispered.

"That's okay we'll get you through them together."

She nodded slightly "I-I love you."

"I love you too baby so so much and I'm so so sorry for everything," he whispered but she was already out and he just gave her a light kiss on the temple and watched her sleep.

3:40 AM.

"L-Lewis no... L-Lewis no p-please don't p-please no p-please stop..." Elliot heard as he cursed himself in his head for falling asleep for 5 minutes "shhh, shhh baby wake up wake up it's okay everything's okay you're safe," he said softly.

Nurses rushed into the room at Olivia's rise in heart rate "move away!" one of them said.

Elliot shook his head "I'm not falling for that again you'll just sedate her again."

"L-Lewis no... No no no no no Elliot help me NOOO!" Olivia cried as she then shot awake and rose up quickly "shhh, shhh you're okay Liv, you're okay honey it was just a nightmare I'm here I'm here," Elliot soothed.

She still stared blankly ahead "captain Benson. Captain Benson can you hear my voice?" Dr. Akins asked.

"It's okay you're safe baby," Elliot whispered stroking her hair and back and Olivia finally opened her eyes "good now tell me what you see," Akins instructed.

"I-I see you," she whispered.

She nodded "who am I?"

"M-My doctor."

She nodded "what do you feel?"

"Elliot. I-I feel Elliot's hands."

She nodded "where are they?"

"I-In my hair and on my back."

"Do you feel safe with them there?"

She nodded and slowly laid her head back on his chest "just keep taking deep breaths captain Benson," Akins said as she gestured for Elliot to wrap his arms back around her.

"Not yet," he mouthed as he continued to stroke Liv's hair "you're safe honey, you're safe do you need a little space?" he asked softly having noticed her hesitant movement.

"I-I need off this bed El I-I feel trapped I-I need some air."

"Okay," he said softly as he stroked her hair a couple more times "I'm gonna move now okay?"

"I-I don't want you to leave..."

"I'm not leaving baby just moving," he whispered and at her slight nod he eased up and sat beside her again in the chair "I'm hoping we'll be able to discharge you by noon today until then though just keep focusing on what you can see and feel no one is gonna harm you here," Akins said.

"I-I really need some air p-please it'd help me so much."

Akins sighed and shook her head, Elliot just glared and Olivia rolled onto her stomach then resigned to the fact that her pleas wouldn't be honored as the nurse noticed and looked to Akins "Tammy we should try it nothing else that we've done tonight has helped and she's had 8 years to learn what helps her and what doesn't."

"But Shelby her heart could act up while she's out there."

"We could go with her and have a defibrillator standing by."

Akins sighed again but gave a slight nod "alright but only for a few minutes though."

Shelby nodded and Elliot sighed in relief "we'll be back in a moment with a wheelchair," Akins said.

Elliot nodded and the two of them left "did you hear that Liv?" he asked softly.

She said nothing as she had already completely dissociated herself from everything around her and sent her mind to a happy place "Liv? Baby?" he murmured soothingly.

There was again no response so he gently placed his hand on her back knowing that'd be the only way to get her attention and she jumped slightly "shhh it's just me honey," he whispered.

She nodded slightly "s-sorry," she whispered.

He shook his head "don't apologize I'm sorry I scared you I just wanted to tell you they're letting you go outside."

She sighed in relief and slowly rolled back onto her back as he slightly smiled "they're gonna make you ride in a wheelchair but"-

"I-I don't care I-I want the fresh air so badly that I don't care."

He nodded slightly "you're the bravest woman I know baby and I'm so sorry you were put through all this yesterday and today because of me... I swear to god I'm gonna make it up to you."

"I-It's not your fault El you didn't mean for any of it to happen... I mean next time you could maybe keep me in the loop more...," she said with a slight teasing smile.

"There won't be a next time baby I told you I'm done," he said adamantly.

She shrugged skeptically and he stroked her hair "I know you don't fully believe me right now"-

"Y-Yes I do."

He shook his head then kissed her temple "you don't but I'm gonna prove to you that it's true and that you can," he said and she smiled and they kissed just as Akins and nurse Shelby walked into the room with the defibrillator and wheelchair "sir do you think you can help her into the wheelchair?" Akins asked.

"Of course," Elliot said as they pulled apart from each other and Olivia rose up then slowly stood "it feels so good to be standing up again," she said feeling a little less trapped already.

Elliot nodded "maybe once you're out of here me, you and Noah could go for a walk or something?"

"I'd like that," she said.

Elliot smiled and nodded "I hate to reign on your parades but you'll need to limit exerting yourself for a while to keep stress off your heart," Akins said.

"I understand but surely a slow stroll through central park wouldn't hurt... And I can promise you no one will be more concerned about me keeping my heart okay than El trust me on that."

Elliot smiled and nodded "she'll probably come to hate me over the next few weeks," he said as he helped Liv slowly ease into the chair.

"I could never hate you... I told you though I can take care of myself I don't need you to look after me."

"Well you won't be able to be by yourself and you're gonna have several heart appointments," Akins said as Shelby finished hooking up the portable monitors.

Olivia sighed and Elliot leaned into her ear "I won't be overbearing I promise... Just think of it as bonding time for me, you, Noah and Eli."

She nodded, took a deep breath then slightly smiled "are we ready to go? I have morning rounds in 20 minutes," Akins said.

Everyone nodded their heads and Elliot gently pushed her wheelchair forward while Akins and nurse Shelby walked close by with the defibrillator and portable monitors "this way?" Elliot asked as he pointed towards an emergency exit.

Akins shook her head "down the corridor and to the right."

Elliot nodded as he turned the chair carefully "El I... I'm so sorry you're having to do this I feel so embarrassed," Liv said.

He shook his head "no need to be embarrassed you'd do it for me wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," she said adamantly.

He nodded, kissed her temple then sighed when he realized they were at an elevator and that not all of them would fit inside it "you'll have to take the next one up sir," Akins said once he had the wheelchair inside it.

Olivia took a quick intake of breath but quickly tried to appear neutral "I think she'd feel better if I rode with her," Elliot said.

"You're not gonna fit and the nurse has to be in here since she has the medical equipment."

Elliot sighed and Akins nodded "that's alright we can just turn back around."

"No... Please no I still wanna feel the fresh air," Olivia said giving her a pleading look.

"Alright then. Sir," she said waving him out.

Way to be fucking heartless with her he thought to himself as he sighed, reached into his pocket and handed his billfold to Liv as his debit card, keys to his apartment and truck and ID were in there "I promise you I'll meet you up there," he whispered using the wallet as a reassurance.

She took it and rubbed her thumb across the design on the front just like she did with his mini badge years ago "I-I trust you," she said.

He smiled softly at her and nodded relieved then turned to Akins "what floor?" he asked with a slight scowl.

"10," she said simply as her voice was flat and she seemed overall unaffected.

He just nodded, gave her another disapproving look then stepped out as Shelby entered with the equipment and they began making their way up to the hospitals roof "you guys seem to mean a lot to each other," Shelby said.

Olivia nodded "we do h-he's the one I thought died yesterday."

"I kind of figured that out," she said as Akins nodded "what's you guys's story?"

"We were partners for 13 years," she said.

"Just partners? That's all?"

Olivia sighed "we were friends back then too. It's really complicated."

She nodded "so you guys met back in 2008 I presume?"

Olivia shook her head "1998."

Akins nodded thinking she was painting the picture in her head "so you guys were partners as detectives then when you were promoted you split up as partners and became friends? And now you're boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Olivia just gave a light chuckle and shook her head "what's funny?" Akins asked.

"You're just so off bace that it's a little humorous..." she said as she strummed her thumb across the wallet again.

Akins nodded "then explain it to me?" she asked as the elevator stopped and she pushed her out.

Olivia's eyes immediately focused on the start of the sunrise as she breathed in the cool fresh air "I've always loved me a good sunrise," Shelby said.

"Me too," she said agreeing as after a minute or so her eyes began to dart around "what are you looking for?" Akins asked.

"N-Nothing," she said as her thumb rubbed the leather more furiously.

Akins sighed to herself and scratched her head in thought why does she have this degree of separation anxiety if she's known this man and he's been a constant in her life for 23 years? she wondered but before she had the chance to pry any deeper he stepped out of the elevator and onto the roof "I'm here honey you okay?" he asked Olivia softly while approaching her wheelchair.

"Yeah h-here," she said holding his wallet back out to him.

"You can keep holding it if you want I don't mind I can tell you like the peace sign."

She smiled slightly and nodded but still handed it back to him "I miss your mini badge so much," she blurted out.

"Ohh?" he asked softly.

She nodded "I kept it on my gun every day then..."

"You got angry and tossed it? I don't blame you baby."

She shook her head several times adamantly "no no I didn't... I-I thought about it a couple times but I couldn't do it it comforted me to much."

He nodded slightly, kneeled to her level and rubbed her shoulder gently "what happened to it?" he whispered.

"I-It was taken from me," she whispered back.

"By the man who hurt you?"

She nodded slightly "at one point when I was around him before he took me he saw me... H-He saw me rubbing the numbers on it so once he had me in my apartment h-he showed it to me, taunted and mocked me for what he had seen then stomped on it with his boot like 20 times... I-It was destroyed t-there was no repairing it."

"I'm so sorry baby, so so sorry," he whispered as he stroked her hair and kissed her temple "I wish I knew what they were saying," Akins whispered to Shelby.

"I think whatever it is is intimate and private."

"It is I just wanna understand them I'm a psychologist and rarely do I ever encounter a patient that I don't understand."

"I get that... I mean I know he was undercover trying to arrest some guy named Frank I heard them on the phone so maybe the operation lasted years and he missed all the things that mattered?"

"Maybe although you wouldn't think that she would have such a strong reaction to his death then."

"Unless that's not what caused her heart attack I mean come on girl that's really extreme."

"True," Akins said as she then looked back at the two of them and they were holding hands and slightly smiling "are you guys enjoying the view?" she asked.

They both nodded and she slightly smiled "captain Benson you have five more minutes then you have to go back inside."

"Okay," she said as they continued to hold hands for a couple more minutes "baby I'm gonna go ahead and go that way I can meet you down there," Elliot whispered.

"O-Okay," she said as she frowned when she saw him wince from moving to fast "I'm fine baby don't worry," he whispered.

"You're not you're still hurt El w-what happened to your eye?"

"I hit my head on the door," he said again.

"Hard enough to make your eye black and your cheek bruised? I-I don't believe that Elliot I think someone hurt you and I wanna know who."

"Please just let it go," he said a little harsher than intended.

She turned her head away slightly as a tear fell and nodded as he handed her his wallet back not seeing it "I'll see you in a couple minutes baby," he said.

She just nodded mutely and he hopped in the elevator "you alright?" Shelby asked.

"y-yeah," she whispered.

Shelby nodded and Akins walked over "don't take it personally he's snapped at us a good ten times tonight and I don't think he's gotten proper sleep."

"I-I know he hasn't I-I just wanted to know who hurt him because I care. This is stupid anyway I used to could always tolerate his temper before..."

Akins nodded "well just like he's going on almost zero sleep you are too and you have your PTSD on top of that and it's normal for people's feelings to be a bit on their sleeves in those circumstances."

She just nodded slightly "what kind of doctor are you?"

Akins smiled "I'm a psychologist."

"I-I thought so," Liv said.

She nodded "we should head back inside."

"Okay," Liv said and they ended up taking the elevator in silence.

Once they were off the elevator she gave Elliot a slight smile but stayed silent as she continued to stay that way even once they were in the room and he had her in his arms "you okay?" he asked softly.

Olivia nodded slightly and he frowned slightly "you sure honey?" he asked stroking her hair.

She didn't move her head in either direction then "what's wrong baby? You can tell me whatever it is..."

"I-I'm sorry El... I wasn't trying to make you angry I-I just care I only asked because I care I-I won't ask again..."

"Liv... Oh Liv I-I'm not angry honey... Not at you anyway I'm tired, sore and worried and I'm sorry if that looks like anger I'm trying my best not to be..."

She nodded slightly "I-I think we're both just really tired and could use some sleep it's what almost 5 now?"

"That's right," he whispered softly.

She nodded slightly "I-I love you El."

"Love you too baby... It was Fin Fin punched me in the face when he found out I was alive... I-I didn't wanna tell you because I didn't want you to be mad at him I deserved it."

She sighed "w-well I'm definitely mad at him and you're wrong you're the last person on this earth who ever deserves that..."

He sighed slightly and stroked her hair "well maybe you'll feel differently about that in the morning."

She yawned "only way I will is if I wake up tomorrow and you're not here," she said half asleep.

He kissed her temple a few times and finally caught sight of the tear tracks on her cheeks from earlier as his heart cracked "I promise you I'll be here and I-I'm sorry I made you cry p-please forgive me."

She went to say something but her eyes closed before she could as he kissed her temple again then got as comfortable as he could with his injuries, bowed his head and prayed.

Please lord let her sleep well, let these next hours be peaceful for her and nightmare free. Let her heart be well and stay well so I can take her home tomorrow and start giving her all the love she deserves, in Jesus name I pray, amen, he prayed as once he finished he laid his head on the pillow and finally fell into a deep sleep himself.