Playing on the Mind


"Should you be drinking right now?" Sean asked, getting back to the apartment late on after spending time at the police station, updating the team who was investigating the break in on everything Jude had told him about Fred Wilson and his potential threat to Jude.

"Why? Because I'm so unstable?" Jude asked, sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen island with a glass of wine.

"I was more meaning because of the anti-depressants." Sean said.

"It's a couple of glasses." Jude shrugged as he just nodded, heading for the fridge and reaching for a beer, "My dad called earlier." She said.

"The girls alright?" Sean asked immediately, opening the beer and taking his holster off from around his waist.

"Apart from thinking we don't like each other, yeah." Jude nodded as he looked at her, "Mirren told him that we don't like one another anymore. That we don't talk to each other anymore." She said.

"I didn't think they'd notice." Sean admitted, leaning his hands on the kitchen counter, dropping his head a little as she watched him, "Don't worry, I'm sure when they grow up they'll realise it was all my fault and that their mom just deserved better." He nodded, taking his beer and walking over to the sofa which was only a few feet away from the kitchen since it was a small apartment.

"Well he talked them round." Jude cleared her throat, "Told them we still love each other, and them." She said as he nodded.

"What are you even going to do?" He asked, "I mean… are you moving back to Chicago?" He asked, turning to look at her.

"Probably." Jude figured, "I don't know. I still haven't decided. I'd rather not uproot the girls. They have friends here." She shook her head, "And I don't even like Chicago." She scoffed, taking a sip of wine, "What would you want to do?"

"Well if you go back to Chicago, I'll obviously go too. I'm not going to live in a different state from the girls." He said.

"Yeah I figured." She nodded, "How did it go at the station? Has he been spotted since the murder?" She asked, getting up from the stool and making her way over to the couch, sitting down beside him.

"No but there's a couple of officers going to speak to his wife again." He said as she nodded, "We'll take it from there, I guess. Try and trace his steps before the murder. If it was premeditated, which I'm assuming it was, maybe he had an escape plan set up."

"But he's obviously back from wherever he was hiding to… break into our house." She said as he just nodded, taking another drink of his beer.

"I was messaging Cassie earlier." She said after some silence, "Jake's funeral is Friday, if… if you'd want to go."

"Yeah, I want to go." Sean nodded.

"Mark is going for chief." She told him as he turned to her, nostrils flaring, "I was sure that would be your reaction." She nodded.

"How is he going for chief? How is he even a cop again anyway?" He shook his head.

"Rich parents I think." Jude said, "Second chances, right?"

"Not for people like that." Sean shook his head, "That job is Theo's. Anyone who thinks different is a fucking idiot." He said.

"I don't think he's done his entire rehab program for his injuries." Jude said, "He's still banged up. Won't that come into play when the board decides?" She worried.

"We're all banged up." Sean said, "If Mark gets the job as chief… he'd be Cassie and Theo's boss." He realised as Jude nodded.

"Bad situation, huh?" Jude said.

"Cassie would leave before she took any order from him." Sean scoffed.

"Yeah, I know. She shouldn't be put into a position where that's what she has to do, though. I know I was all for trying to forgive him and believe that people can learn from mistakes but… I don't think I agree with him being a cop again. That at least should have been one of the punishments that stuck. Not being allowed back on the force." She nodded, "It applies to every other criminal so why is he so different?" She shook her head.

"When are you going back?" He asked her, "To Chicago?"

"Tomorrow. Unless you need me for anything else here." She said, "I'll stay there for the rest of the holidays. Give me some time to think about what I'm doing." She nodded, "Are you coming with me?"

"I should stay here, whilst we're trying to find Wilson." He said, "I'll take you to the airport." He said as she nodded.

"Thank you." She said, "I'll give the girls your love. I'm sure they really miss you." She told him as he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm sure they do." Sean said, turning to her once noticing she was staring at him, "What?"

"Nothing." Jude shrugged innocently.

"Jude, I need to know if me and you are finished." He said bluntly, "I need to know if we're getting a divorce and if there's really no hope in hell for us anymore." He nodded.

"You need to know right now?" She scoffed.

"Yeah." Sean nodded, finishing the last of his beer before turning to her, "Cause if not, I really wanna fuck you right now." He said as Jude looked at him, feeling herself go tense as she looked away from him for a second.

"I… I don't know." She shook her head. Her body was saying yes, one thousand times yes, but her brain was trying to reason with herself, tell her that it only keeps confusing things between them, that she would regret it after and that she still wanted a divorce. That it was unfair on him to keep up with this unhealthy cycle.

"It only complicates things." She shook her head.

"Aren't we beyond that now? I think we both know that this has gotten complicated." He shook his head, leaning back on the couch and sighing stressfully.

"You need it that bad?" She laughed a little.

"Maybe if you hadn't stressed me out so much, keeping all this shit about Fred to yourself-"

"Oh so it's my fault you need a distraction?" She smiled a little as he turned to her, smiling too before running his hands over his face.

"Sorry, I'm… my head is just all over the place." He nodded, "I'll check flight times for you if you want to get to bed." He turned to her as she stared at him, leaning closer and reaching her hand over for his belt, undoing it as she shuffled closer to him.

"You can fuck me first." She nodded, sliding her hand in his boxers as she leaned in to kiss him.

She was aware that their relationship was now on the brink of dysfunctional, but she didn't care enough to stop.


"Do you think you're forgiven?" Thea asked, sitting on a bench down at the docks beside her father late on, cigarette between her fingers, looking out at the calm water as Punk turned to her.

"For what?" Punk asked with confusion.

"Being a drug dealer." Thea said, "Feeding your kids with drug money." She nodded.

"I worked down here to feed you and your sisters, actually." Punk shook his head as she turned to him, "Who am I asking for forgiveness from?" He wondered what she was getting at.

"All the people you sold drugs to." Thea nodded.

"I don't think I'll ever be forgiven for all that bullshit." He shook his head, "I certainly don't forgive myself." He nodded.

"Why'd I never notice?" She wondered.

"You did notice, actually." He nodded as she turned to him, "You never figured out what I was doing but… you knew something wasn't right. In fact you thought I was having an affair." He remembered.

"Oh, yeah. I did." Thea remembered suddenly.

"You told Sam and then she told me." Punk nodded, "That was the difficult part. Lying to you. Having to put on this fake act with people. Come down here, smile, make people believe I was living a good life." He shook his head.

"Why didn't you ever go to the police? I mean… wouldn't that have made a difference?" She asked.

"I still would have gotten arrested. Once you're involved, you're involved. And then you're labelled a snitch… I never wanted to make a move that could put you and Jude in any danger." He shook his head.

"Were we ever? In danger, I mean?" She asked as he looked at her, figuring out what was the right things to tell her.

"What is it they say? Everyone has an Achilles heel?" He nodded, "You can't really do a lot of damage to people like me or your uncle Dean. Or even your mother. I could get beat up all day long. Wouldn't bother me. It's happened enough times." He rolled his eyes, "So yeah, you guys were always the leverage. And so I'd keep showing up."

"So it's our fault?" Thea smiled a little.

"All your fault." Punk nodded teasingly, "Why you asking about this anyway?" He asked her.

"I just think about it sometimes. You and mom still keep part of that life such a secret." She shook her head, "It just… it must have really sucked." She nodded.

"It did." Punk agreed.

"So like… how much money were you making?" She asked as he laughed a little, "Because I never felt like we were rich or anything. We had money and afforded nice things, sure. But we weren't like… drug dealers rich." She shook her head.

"It was… good money." Punk nodded truthfully, "Not worth it, though." He assured her, "Why you down here anyway? I was just finishing up." He said.

"I was just taking a walk." Thea nodded, "Is mom still with the girls?" She asked.

"Yeah she was taking them to yoga with her and Renee." He laughed a little, "You ok?" He nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Thea nodded, "Just had a lot on my mind recently." She shook her head, picking at her nails and looking down.

"Anything I can help with?" Punk asked her.

"No, I don't think so." Thea shook her head, "Just everything that Jude said to me." She explained.

"You know she didn't mean it." He said.

"I know." Thea nodded, "I know. And I won't hold it against her. It's just had me thinking about a lot." She said, "Did I miss the signs?" She asked.

"Signs for what?" He shook his head, unsure of what she was really talking about.

"Jackson." Thea said, "Everything he ended up becoming." She said, "Could I have spotted it? I mean he practically lived with us." She rolled her eyes.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself." Punk nodded worriedly, "He's gone. He's dead. And nobody can change the past. As much as every single one of us wishes we could, we can't." He said, "You were a kid. We all have our first boyfriends and girlfriends. And it's… new and it's fun." He shrugged, "You don't have feel guilty that he was yours because of how he turned out. That came after. I'm sure you got to know him… better than anyone."

"Yeah." Thea mumbled, shaking her head, "I just wish he'd get lost out of my head. It's like he's got a permanent spot there. Sometimes I swear I can hear his voice." She rolled her eyes, rubbing her forehead tiredly.

"You know hearing voices isn't normal, right? Even for you" He nodded to her as she turned to him, noticing him smiling.

"Idiot." She pushed him with a smile.

"A lot of these letters your mom wrote… she mentions him a lot. How much he's around. How much she hated him but saw how happy you were around him." Punk nodded.

"Yeah well she should have just kept him far away from me. Done us all a favour." Thea shook her head.

"Don't put that on her." Punk said sternly as she nodded, "She did what was best for you and your sisters. Always."

"I know." Thea nodded, "What if he'd had a chance? To be good?" She wondered, "It all went out the window when he went to prison, spent time with his dad." She said.

"No point in playing a guessing game. He did what he did. And for that he is exactly where he's supposed to be." Punk said as she nodded, "Don't beat yourself up for caring about him in the past." He told her as she nodded.

"I try not to." Thea said, "It's just… hard sometimes. If you told seventeen year old me I would end up stabbing him in my kitchen one day…" She shook her head.

"Life can throw you some weird curveballs." He nodded.

"Cassie made this for you." AJ said, sitting by Thea's hospital bed, a few days into her admission after her overdose. She held up a painted picture which four year old Cassie had painted.

"That's sweet." Seventeen year old Thea nodded, taking the picture from her mother and looking at the three stick figures painted on the picture, "I take it this is me, her and Jude?" She asked.

"Actually, no. She said it was me, you and her. Jude was annoying her today." AJ explained as Thea smiled a little, "I'll see if one of the nurses can give me some tape to stick it up behind your bed." She smiled.

"Yeah." Thea nodded, "Although I'd rather just be going home and I can stick it up in my room." She looked at her mother, hoping she would give her good news about her discharge.

"Your vital signs still aren't good enough to come home yet." AJ told her honestly, "It might be another few days."

"They're not good enough because I'm just sat here doing nothing like an idiot." Thea determined.

"They're not good enough because you almost died." AJ said bluntly, watching Thea refuse to make eye contact with her, looking down at her nails which she began to pick at, "Me and you haven't really talked about… about what's going to happen when you come home. I know that the doctors have been talking to you about different rehab programs-"

"I don't wanna go somewhere and stay." Thea shook her head, her voice as quiet as a five year old, shaking with fear, tears threatening to pour out, "Please don't send me anywhere-"

"I'm not sending you anywhere, baby. You're coming home with me and your sisters." AJ assured her, taking her hand whilst Thea wiped her tears with the other, "But we have to get you better, ok? We will get you better." She promised, "I uh… I'm taking some time off work."

"You can't afford to do that." Thea said with authority, which made AJ smile.

"You don't know what I can afford." AJ smiled, "I can afford it." She assured her. She wouldn't tell her daughter the finer details of how she could afford it. Like how her husband had her set up an account before he went to prison, transferring a considerable amount of money to her that they'd been making working for Marina.

"You'll get sick of the sight of me." Thea scoffed.

"And you'll get sick of the sight of me." AJ smiled, "But that's just how it's gonna be. I've even been looking at maybe a short vacation me, you and your sisters can take. Just the four of us." She nodded, "And we'll consider what's the best way for you to get better. We'll find you the right rehab program. We'll talk to the doctors, get their advice." She nodded.

"Are you going to make me tell dad?" Thea asked worriedly as AJ looked at her, physically feeling a heaviness in her chest.

"No, I'm not going to make you do anything." AJ shook her head, "Other than get better, and focus on yourself." She said as Thea nodded with relief, head lifting as she heard the door to her room open up.

AJ turned around, assuming it'd be one of the nurses to check on dinner, or maybe Dean who had been in and out as much as she had, but instead it was Jackson. It was the first he'd shown his face in the five days her daughter had been here.

"Hey." Jackson nodded as AJ turned back to Thea, trying to read her face for how she was feeling about him being here.

Before she had OD'd, she knew their relationship was on the rocks. They had been fighting more often. Breaking up and then reconciling the next day. She'd put it down to it just being a young relationship but she figured it had to have had at least some contribution to the OD. She didn't know the exact details. That was the troubling part.

"Hey." Thea eventually said quietly.

"I can come back." Jackson announced.

"N-No." Thea shook her head, turning to her mother, "Just a couple minutes." She whispered to her mom.

"Ok." AJ nodded, "I'll go for some coffee and call Sam. Make sure Jude and Cassie are in one piece." She stood up, grabbing her coat, leaning over and kissing Thea's head before leaving the room without acknowledging Jackson.

"So she obviously hates me more than she did before now." Jackson nodded, still standing by the door.

"She hates a lot of people." Thea assured him, "Where have you been?" She shook her head.

"Well I was… I was waiting on you getting out." He admitted, slowly making his way towards the bed.

"Why?" Thea shook her head.

"I figured you'd want some time on your own." Jackson shrugged, "Time with your family."

"Not time with you?" She asked him, "It's been five days." She shook her head.

"I know. I'm sorry." He said, sitting down on the seat beside the bed, "Once I heard what happened I wanted to come but… then I didn't know if you'd want to see me or… I didn't know how you'd be. Like if you'd be paralysed or something." He shrugged.

"Paralysed?" Thea screwed her face up.

"OD's are no joke." Jackson nodded seriously, "And you're a fucking idiot for doing it." He made clear.

"I didn't OD. I don't know why everyone keeps saying that." Thea shook her head, "I just… I took too much." She shrugged.

"That's the literal definition of an OD." Jackson shook his head.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." She reiterated, "It was a mistake. I took too much by mistake-"

"You took too much cause you didn't want to feel anything. You know what people feel like that? People who want to kill themselves." He nodded, "You need to wake up. And get your shit together. I ain't fucking burying you. Alright?" He said seriously, "Look at me." He said sternly as she turned to him, "People do drugs. Responsibly. And that's fine-"

"Like you?" Thea scoffed, "You're so perfect, aren't you?"

"Yeah, like me. I know when I've had enough. I know how much my body can take." Jackson said, "You're just one of those unfortunate people who don't have a limit in life. So that means you can't do this shit no more. At all." He nodded, "She hates me and I'm not that fond of her either to be honest, but think of your mom. You think she wants to go to your funeral? Your sisters? Fuck him but what happens when your dad gets that call in prison? That his daughter is dead?" He asked, "They'll be burying him next after he offs himself in there, probably."

"Yeah, ok. Jesus Christ, Jackson." Thea scoffed, "You don't have to come in here and yell at me." Thea whined, "As if I'm not already feeling bad enough. I know. I get it. Everyone is miserable because of what I'm doing but I can't…" She paused, "I couldn't stop." She whispered.

"I know." He said, "You'll get better, though." He nodded, "And if I'm making it worse for you… tell me and I'll go."

"You're not." Thea shook her head, "I want you here." She nodded.

"Ok good. I wasn't going anyway." He assured her seriously.