Recovery

Chapter 17

"Try it again," Harper insists. "When I call you a puta, I don't want to see anger in your eyes. You need the drugs so much that you're past caring what anyone calls you, as long as they come across. And if a dealer asks you for sex, you'll have to make him believe you'll give him what he wants, until your people move in. If getting a fix means stripping down in front of the most repulsive guy you've ever met, you can't show any hesitation. Can you do that?"

"I think so," Lucy responds.

Nyla shakes her head. "Lucy, if you don't know so, you're dead."

"I thought I'd be going in as a meth cook," Lucy protests. "I did fine with that before."

"Before doesn't count. Before won't keep you alive," Nyla exclaims, slamming her palm on the table. "Look, your head isn't in this. You should go home."

"I'm going to the hospital," Lucy announces. "Wesley wanted as many cops around as he could get while Angela deals with La Fiera."

"And you also want to be there for Nolan," Harper guesses.

"Yeah, I do," Lucy admits.

"So do I," Harper confides. "We can go together."


The Journal of John Nolan

It's two a.m., and Henry is still in surgery. As it turned out, the decision about which surgery fell to me. Since Ben was supposed to be sending Henry where anything could happen, he had him fill out some paperwork designating his medical decision-maker. Henry chose me. Sarah resented it, and I felt crushed by the responsibility. But I had to go with what I believed Henry would want. That Abigail agrees on what that is, gives me some comfort.

Abigail said she couldn't sit still and just wait. She told Sarah and me that she was going to walk around the hospital and to text her if we heard anything. I can understand how she feels. After giving blood for Henry, I don't have much energy, but doing something, even walking, can help keep thoughts of the worst at bay.

Sarah and I spent some time together in the hospital's chapel. She's still there, but lighting candles and mouthing the words didn't help me. So, I came back to the waiting room. Since I'm away from my laptop, I'm writing in a notebook I had in the truck for class. I don't know if I'll ever type what I'm writing. If Henry – no, I can't let myself think like that.

I'm touched and a little amazed by how many cops from Mid-Wilshire showed up here. Lucy and Nyla came together. Nyla's been instructing Lucy about undercover work. But they barely mentioned it to me, so I don't think it was going well. I don't believe there's anything Lucy can't do if she puts her mind to it, but Harper doesn't know her as well as I do. I suspect she's not convinced yet.

Lopez met with La Fiera. It turns out the patient is her son, Diego, and that's why she's here. At least that's what she told Angela. Maybe it's Angela's pregnancy or her detective nature, but she didn't believe it. She still thinks something's going on with the cartel.

Jackson was here, too. Even Smitty popped in for a few minutes. For once, I was glad to see him.

Gino, the nurse Jackson used to date, stopped by to give me a pep talk. He even volunteered to check on the progress in the operating room. To me, it seems like Henry's been in there forever, but it's been less than three hours. Gino thinks open-heart surgery could take six or even longer if everything isn't where the surgeon expects it to be. He also says I should try to sleep or at least rest for a while and offered to find me a bed somewhere. I don't dare close my eyes. Every time I do, I see Henry lying in a hospital bed, paler than a sheet, with the doctor trying to shock his heart back to beating.

Sarah is coming to join me again. I guess that's good. When Gino returns, we can hear whatever news he has together.

I didn't want to pick up my pen again until now. Gino says that from what he could see from the gallery, Henry's surgery is going as well as can be expected. I don't know what that means, other than that my son is still alive, and everyone in that operating room is working hard to keep him that way. Gino also promised he'd make sure a doctor would come to tell us if there's any real news. Sarah barely said anything at Gino's report. I tried to hold her hand, but she pulled away. I should be holding her. We should be holding each other. But then, that's what we should have been doing for about the last 20 years. Maybe, after Henry comes through all this, the wall will crack a bit.

I texted Abigail what little I know, and she came back to sit with us. She seemed desperate to break through the silence and asked what Henry was like growing up. He'll kill me if I say too much, but it is one of my favorite subjects. Sarah even joined the conversation. Mostly she disputed the way I remembered things, but at least she was talking. Oh, finally, I see the doctor coming. Damn! I can't tell anything from her face.

It's been a week since I've written. So far, all the signs say that Henry is on the mend. But it's going to be a long process. According to the doctor, the leaking of a valve in Henry's heart caused some complications. It should have been caught earlier. He confessed that he'd felt a few signs, but didn't want to admit it, to me, his mother, Abigail, or to himself. That's why he stayed away from the cardiologist.

When Sarah came out, I thought she might be staying with me, but Ben put her up in his guest house. She'll be heading back to Pennsylvania soon. We haven't talked that much about what happened, other than she admitted I did what Henry wanted. Still, I don't think she believed that I made the right choice. She implied that I like taking risks, and that's why I became a cop.

Maybe she's right, but it's not about risk-taking – at least not entirely. It's about doing something that counts, that has meaning. And that can be risky. I think that in some ways, Henry and I are on the same page about that. He didn't want to take the safe road and the chance of watching life go by. He wants to be in there making something happen.

Ben said he'd hold the job for him or at least some position he can get his teeth into, but I think Henry has something else in mind. We talked a little about me being back in school. I always felt bad about leaving something undone, even for the best of reasons. So finally getting a chance to finish feels right. It didn't hurt that along the way, I got to rescue my teacher. That was just a sign that I'm headed in the right direction.

Henry's also talking about going back to school. It will be some time before he can handle an on-campus class schedule. But more and more schools offer online classes. He can pursue his degree from anywhere he can find a Wi-Fi connection. As interesting as in-person learning is, given my schedule as a cop, online might not be a bad way for me to go either. I'll have to see what happens when I make P-2, assuming I do. Now that I'm back in harness, Grey is back to his old attitude. Or maybe he's not coming down on me quite as hard. I think Professor Ryan had a few words with him.

My stint as a rookie has a couple more weeks to go, but Harper's supporting Lucy on her undercover assignment. So, I'm with Bradford. We've worked together before. I can't say it was fun, but it was instructional. I just hope he doesn't pull the crap on me he did with Lucy about not turning on the A/C until noon. I have all I can handle without stupid T.O. tricks.

The best thing right now, aside from Henry's recovery, is that I've had some time with Tamar. She's had everyone she works with at the church praying for Henry. It can't hurt.

A/N I wrote almost all of this before seeing last night's episode or the promo that followed. AU or not, some things just seem to make sense.