Just us Girls Part 2
"Hey, what are you watching?" Thea asked, coming out of the room she was sharing with her sisters into the little living room where her mother was sitting watching TV.
"A documentary on all the plastic in the ocean." AJ nodded, holding a bowl of popcorn in between her legs, "Convincing enough to watch with me?" She smiled as Thea chuckled, walking over and sitting down beside her on the sofa, tucking her legs up against her chest.
They'd had pizza for dinner and played games at the dinner table earlier. For Thea it was like time was standing still. She'd been living in her own bubble for so long, consumed by her own wallowing thoughts, consumed by the things that were controlling her life. She almost didn't know how to act around her family. It'd been such a while since she'd laughed and had fun with them. It further put into perspective what she had been through, overdosing, almost not being here anymore.
"Your sisters still sleeping?" AJ asked, extending the bowl of popcorn to Thea who nodded.
"Yeah." Thea nodded, "Like little angels." She exaggerated as AJ smiled.
"I think they're having fun with you." AJ nodded, continuing to look at the TV.
"Yeah I suppose." Thea said, "How can you afford to be off work all this time?" She asked curiously. Her mother had been off work for almost a month to be at home to take care of her, and to take them all here. She was almost eighteen. She knew bills had to be paid.
"It's not for you to worry about." AJ shook her head, "That's the things I need to worry about. Not you." She nodded. It was almost like Thea had taken over from Punk when he left. She'd grown up quicker than most kids her age. She wondered if that pressure had hurt her. The worrying. Taking care of her sisters. Stepping up and being brave.
"Why didn't you let Jackson come with us?" Thea asked her.
"Because you would have sit in your room with him the entire time." AJ said bluntly, "And he's not exactly been a great support system through this, has he?" She questioned.
"He's been there for me." Thea nodded, "He didn't come to the hospital cause he thought I'd want to just be with family." She shrugged, "He's text me every morning to see how I am." She nodded positively.
"That's good." AJ nodded, "But I figured we hadn't done something just the four of us in a long time."
"We've never done anything the five of us." Thea said, "Ever. I just realised that today."
"Yes we have. Plenty of times." AJ said.
"No, not Jackson." Thea shook her head, "Dad." She mumbled as AJ turned to her, "It's never been the five of us before. Ever."
"Yeah, I know." AJ nodded, looking down at the popcorn.
"You won't tell him, will you?" Thea asked.
"I…" She paused, not knowing what to say. She knew Thea would find out eventually that she was no longer visiting Punk, "I'm not seeing your father anymore." She said as Thea turned to her quickly. For some reason her stomach dropped. Their family had been broken for many years now, but somehow it felt like it was breaking even more.
"Why?" Thea shook her head.
"It's… it's not for you to worry about." AJ nodded again, "It's just getting difficult-"
"But Jude." Thea worried, shaking her head.
"Jude will still see him if she wants to. I'll drop her off and pick her up." AJ nodded.
"Does he know you're not visiting him anymore?" Thea asked. This was news to her. She'd been pretty out of it these past few weeks, she hadn't even noticed her mother not going to visit their father.
"I think he knows, yeah." AJ nodded, "Baby, I don't need to speak with you about this." She shook her head. She didn't want all of her own stress and drama going onto her daughter's shoulders when she had enough to carry.
"Who else are you going to talk to?" Thea asked.
"I have… your uncle and aunt." AJ said.
"So we're both not going to see him anymore?" Thea realised as AJ looked on at the TV. It was the most Thea had spoken about Punk since he'd gone. And ironically, it was a time where AJ finally did not want to speak about him.
"You don't have to close any doors." AJ turned to her.
"I think that door closed five years ago." Thea admitted, "I just don't want him to know. About all of this." He shook his head.
"No one is going to tell him." AJ assured her as Thea nodded.
"Do you think it would be different? If he was here?" Thea asked her, "Do you think I'd be different?" She asked, "Do you think I'd act like normal people my age?" She questioned as AJ looked at her, "I know you think it's your fault. That you've not been doing enough. That you could have done something. Done more." Thea said, "But you couldn't. You should know that. There's nothing anyone could do or say that was going to stop me. I didn't wanna hear it." She said.
"I'm your mom. I'm never gonna feel like I've done enough." AJ shook her head.
"Well you have." Thea said, "You've done more than most would. And I'm sorry." She nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat, looking down, "I'm sorry I've made you so upset and worried." She nodded, drying her tears as AJ sat the popcorn over, pulling Thea into her, wrapping her arm around her.
"You don't have to be sorry, baby." AJ sighed, "You're gonna get better, ok?" She squeezed her daughter tightly as Thea nodded, "Nothing is your fault." She shook her head, kissing her head as Thea hugged into her tightly. She felt like she was holding a five year old who needed love and reassurance. Her daughter had denied herself of both things for so long. Living on her nerves, substances and delusions. It looked like everything had finally hit her.
"I just didn't want to feel like that anymore." Thea admitted, "I wanted it to stop." She cried as AJ nodded, looking up at the ceiling to try and keep her tears in, but they rolled out anyway, "I didn't want to be here and do it anymore." She shook her head as AJ nodded, stroking her hair softly. It was the first time she'd acknowledged her overdose as intentional instead of a mistake. It was what they all knew anyway.
"I know you did." AJ swallowed the lump in her throat, "You're going to get help and you won't feel like that anymore. We're all gonna help you." She nodded, "And I'm sorry if I made it difficult to talk to me. Or if I put too much pressure on you." AJ said.
"You didn't." Thea shook her head, wiping her face from tears, keeping her head on her mother's shoulder.
The next day, AJ took the girls on a walk on a nearby nature trail mapped out beside their vacation home. Cassie was thrilled about it. Jude enjoyed seeing the flowers along the way. Thea trailed behind them all.
"How long does this go on?" Thea asked from behind, tying her hoodie around her waist since the sun had come out and was pretty hot.
"It says it takes an hour, back and forth." AJ said, "I thought we could have lunch when we get to the end. I'm sure you'll all be hungry enough for it." She said.
"I'm hungry right now." Cassie said, holding her mother's hand.
"You guys sure do complain a lot." AJ hummed.
"And you're suspiciously fit for someone whose diet consists of pastries and coffee." Thea shook her head as Jude laughed a little.
"I work out." AJ defended, turning back to Jude and Thea with a smile.
"Yoga isn't working out." Jude rolled her eyes, "It's sitting on a mat and breathing in and out."
"No it isn't." AJ said defensively, "Neither of you would last five minutes in a yoga class." She said, "Cassie would." She nodded as Cassie flexed her muscles.
"Yeah!" Cassie agreed, not quite sure what she was agreeing with, "My scabby leg hurts." She whispered to her mother.
"We're almost there." AJ smiled, brushing her hand down the back of her head.
"Should you really be doing this? Aren't you still weak?" Jude asked, walking beside Thea a little behind AJ and Cassie.
"I'm alright." Thea nodded, "As long as I take my time."
"Do you still have a headache?" Jude asked her. She knew little bits here and there about her sister's physical state once she came out of hospital. The fact she had extremely bad headaches. Shaky hands. Hot and cold sweats.
"Not really." Thea shook her head, "I have these drinks to help with all that. I think they're starting to work. It's like vitamin drinks." She said.
"Do they taste nice?" Jude asked.
"They're ok." Thea said, "I'm just mad I have to stay away from caffeine for the time being."
"You don't need caffeine." AJ inserted from a few steps ahead, obviously listening into their conversation, "Spend some time outside for a few hours every day and you'll forget all about caffeine."
"You sound like a happy person." Thea scoffed, "And you drink like five cups of coffee a day."
"I've cut back, actually." AJ nodded.
"To four?" Thea rolled her eyes.
"Three." AJ corrected.
"Wow." Jude said sarcastically.
"Oh, look. I think we've finally got to the end. There's a little picnic bench over there." AJ noticed.
"Hallelujah." Thea said, making their way over to the bench.
They had some lunch which AJ had packed in a backpack and then Jude and Cassie wound up playing together over by the grassy open area doing cartwheels and handstands whilst Thea sat with AJ at the bench.
"Well at least they're having fun." Thea nodded with a smile, "How come I ended up the dark one and those two are walking rays of sunshine's?" She shook her head.
"You were just like Cassie when you were her age." AJ assured her, "In fact you were crazier."
"Do you ever think about what it's gonna be like when dad gets out? With Cassie?" Thea asked her, "He doesn't know her. And she doesn't know him."
"I try not to think about it. I figured I'll deal with it when the time comes." AJ nodded.
"Aren't you going to miss him?" Thea asked her, "I never thought you would stop going to visit him." She admitted. After their heart to heart last night, she still couldn't believe her mother had also made the decision to stop visiting her father. She couldn't imagine how her father was feeling.
"I missed him even when I saw him." AJ shook her head, "It's hard. Still trying to spend your life with someone through one hour visits." She said, "And… it's just gotten too difficult. He clearly resents me for a lot of stuff and that's-"
"Why?" Thea asked angrily.
"Thea, I don't want you to know the ins and outs of what's going on with me and your dad. It's the stuff you don't need to know. The stuff I should be protecting you from." AJ nodded.
"It's our life, mom." Thea said, "And if you tell me I can talk to you about anything then… you should be able to talk to me about anything too." She nodded.
"Well, I already told you why he's in prison." AJ said as Thea nodded, "He blames me." She shrugged as Thea looked at her, "And it sucks because I blame me too but he always convinced me otherwise until now." She nodded, "He said he only really cares about seeing you girls." She said as Thea looked at her mother sadly.
It upset her because she knew her parents loved one another. For thirteen years she'd grown up with parents who loved one another. Who'd do anything for the other.
"He doesn't mean it." Thea shook her head, "I don't think."
"Our lives are separate now. They have been for five years." AJ nodded, "I need to focus on you, and your sisters. Nothing else." She said as Thea nodded, looking at her mother and knowing she meant every word of that.
"I need a drink." Cassie approached the bench, reaching for her juice box on the bench table, wiping her messy hair from her face, taking a drink whilst Jude followed for a drink of her own.
"Hey can we get a picture?" AJ asked them.
"Are you kidding?" Thea laughed a little, "Cause I look like such a super model right now?"
"Just a picture for us." AJ shrugged.
"Mommy you can take a picture of me on my own." Cassie nodded, putting her juice box down and putting her hand on her hip, posing for her mother as Thea laughed.
"Speaking of super models." Jude teased as AJ took a picture of Cassie.
"Ok, one of us all." AJ nodded, waving Cassie over who came and sat on her knee whilst Jude sat on one side of AJ.
"If I see this picture on our fridge there will be hell to pay." Thea made clear, giving in and getting up from across the table, making her way around and sitting down on the other side of her mother to Jude.
"Ok, smile." AJ said, turning the disposable camera around to take a picture of them all.
"Cheese on toast!" Cassie yelled as Thea chuckled as AJ snapped the picture.
When they got home from the trip, she stuck it on the fridge.
