Author's Note: Cross-posted on AO3

Xxxxxxx

Out of Reach

On the one hand he was glad for the good-natured teasing going on, but on the other hand it aggravated him. Callen ignored the jibes being sent his way and left the bullpen, seeking some solitude in the armory.

His mood was strained and he was unbalanced; had been ever since Luc's second deployment had rolled around a few weeks ago.

This time, they had both known where they stood with each other, had defined their relationship - contrary to the first time Luc was sent back overseas. While that made it easier as their standing with each other was quite clear, the foundations of their relationship strong and sturdy, it still hadn't been easy to see his lover leave.

Callen hated knowing that Luc was back in a warzone, doing highly classified, intensely dangerous missions, but he also knew that it was an integral part of who his lover was.

Just as Luc would never consider trying to talk Callen out of doing his job, Callen likewise wouldn't dare. They were who they were and they had known that going into this relationship.

Luc had spent years of his life working to become a Navy SEAL, had always dreamed of being part of that elite unit, so Callen wouldn't ever begrudge him that job, could only admire him for the dedication and hardship.

His own job wasn't much safer either. Though he usually didn't operate in a warzone anymore these days, he was still an undercover specialist and that came with its own set of dangers.

They were both working in high risk professions and they both had to accept the risk not only to themselves but also to their lover.

The dangers to their jobs aside, Callen also acknowledged to himself that he felt somewhat adrift now that Luc was deployed. They had spent as much time together as they could while Luc was stateside, which wasn't always easy since - being a Navy SEAL - Luc was basically always training. There were basic trainings, work-ups, pre-deployment exercises and specialized training. So despite being on the continent, Luc still wasn't home often. As their relationship had strengthened and deepened though, they had both fought hard to make time for each other.

The six months they'd had between Luc's deployments had brought them closer to each other and Callen had allowed himself to open up more and more to the other man - from the moment Luc had returned from his deployment, finding Callen worse for wear and convincing him to let go of his tight control by taking painkillers, to Callen instinctively seeking out Luc's presence when Joelle's betrayal had cut deep, to introducing Luc to his team.

They had committed to each other - and Callen still wasn't perfectly sure when or how ithat/i had happened - and they both worked hard to hold onto that.

It had taken effort to coordinate their schedules, but they made sacrifices and worked to get it done… and now that he only had himself to contend with, Callen was adrift. He hadn't ever felt that way, had always been self-sufficient and content to be on his own.

He put the cleaning cloth and his gun down with a sigh and closed his eyes.

Despite the opportunity of video calls and text messages, he missed the presence of his lover, missed knowing that it would just be a few days before they would end up seeking the other out again. It wasn't even the physical aspect of things that he missed most - though admittedly he did miss that part as well - but rather the other man's presence. It was an astonishing experience to someone like Callen who had spent most his life adrift or at least on the fringes of society instead of building a strong social network that most people relied on.

Callen startled when a hand fell onto his shoulder. He glanced up and found Sam's eyes on him, saw concern and understanding. Callen wanted to shrug him off, but found he couldn't. He also didn't avert his eyes from Sam's seeking ones.

Sam's fingers tightened around his shoulder once more before his partner settled himself against the table. "You worried about him?" Sam asked him calmly.

Callen gave a small shake of his head, "not as such. He's a pro and his team is one of the best. That doesn't mean things can't go wrong, but no, I'm not overly worried," he gave back evenly before reaching for the cleaning cloth. He didn't pick up his gun though, instead fiddling with the cloth. "I'm generally used to being on my own, but since we became closer…" he shrugged a little.

Sam gave him a knowing smile. "It's somewhat easier if you're the one being sent out." His partner stepped away from the table, "dinner tonight. Aiden's home for a few days so it would be nice if you came over."

Callen gave his partner a grin that would tell the other man he knew that Sam was trying to distract him. It mixed with a softer smile of gratitude for the opportunity.

Sam acknowledged both with a nod before once more leaving Callen to the solitude of the armory.

Xxxxxxx

Groaning, Luc sat up in his bunk, groping around for the offending cell phone that was chirping merrily. Fumbling for the item and firming his grip before it could slip from his fingers, he ignored the grumblings coming from the other bunks.

His annoyance turned to worry when he saw his lover's name on the display. G wouldn't usually just call. There was a massive time difference between the Middle East and the West Coast of the United States, and usually his lover checked in via text message first to see if they could steal a few minutes to talk.

"G?" he asked quietly after accepting the call.

Luc casually ducked the flying pillow that was sent his way, rolling his eyes in the darkness of the room.

"Yeah." The sound of his partner's voice did nothing to reassure him.

"Hang on," he murmured, shifting his body and sliding into a pair of pants before sticking his feet into his boots. Standing, Luc reached for a shirt before putting it on. Picking up the phone and the pillow, he headed towards the exit, making a brief stop to return the pillow to its rightful owner. Quentin was already asleep again, his face pressed into the mattress. Their communications officer was always grouchy about being woken, but for all his bluster and annoyance and pillow throwing, he dropped off back to sleep in a matter of moments. Luc simply dumped the pillow on top of his head.

Quietly making his way outside of their bunk room, he sighed when he closed the door behind himself. The larger room where they usually held meetings and planned their missions was empty, so he let himself in, sinking into one of the chairs while rubbing his eyes to wake himself up a little more.

"G? You there?" he asked, rising the phone to his ear once more.

"Yeah, I'm here," came the muted reply.

His lover was a closed off man, cautious and not prone to showing emotion. Often, Luc had to read between the lines and listen very carefully to hear what G wasn't saying. It had gotten easier with time - either because he learned how to read the other man or because his lover allowed his guards to slowly fall when it came to Luc. But right now, he didn't need to read between the lines or listen closely. There was a multitude of emotion that swung in his partner's voice, instantly putting Luc further on alert.

"Talk to me," he nudged gently, keeping his voice calm and quiet when he knew the other man didn't always react well to being pressured. Then again, G had made contact, so he was already letting Luc in. "What's wrong?"

"Michelle…" the name hung between them, not because the connection failed, but because his lover's voice did.

"G," Luc soothed quietly, suspecting this wouldn't be good news, hoping he was wrong but knowing in his heart that he wasn't.

"She was killed today… yesterday… whatever. Sam lost his wife… the kids lost their mother because we didn't get to her in time." It was a rush of words, their meaning and the pain in his lover's voice leaving Luc breathless.

He didn't know Michelle very well, had only met her a few times, but he had liked the tough no-nonsense woman. Both, her demeanor and her sharp wit had made their meetings enjoyable. The time they had spent with Sam and Michelle had been fun - there had been interesting conversations and an atmosphere filled with good natured jibes and lots of laughter.

Luc bit back the curses that wanted to fall from his lips, "what happened?" he asked gently, hoping that it had been a car accident or something along those mundane lines, but already guessing from his lover's behavior that it was more sinister than that.

"Someone looking out to get back at Sam," Callen replied, dashing Luc's hope.

Luc closed his eyes, leaning back in his seat and rubbing a hand across his forehead. "Tell me," he prompted, suspecting his lover hadn't called him to let him know, but rather to unburden himself, to start the process of comprehending and sorting through the happenings.

Xxxxxxx

Callen sank down against the wall, drawing his legs up and putting his forehead against his knees. The horrors of the day crashed through him, the aftermath of adrenaline and deep emotional turmoil shaking him in a way he hadn't been shaken in years.

His fingers closed around his cell phone and before he had made the conscious choice to do so, he was already dialing.

Despite knowing that they couldn't have changed the outcome, he had been second, third and fourth guessing every decision, every thought process and directive… only to come up back at the start.

He needed to get out of his head, needed to do something he usually didn't allow or even invite… he needed to talk.

The one person he often used as a sounding board - at least when it was related to cases, more rarely when it was related to himself personally - was currently out of reach: both metaphorically and physically. Sam was with his children, children that had lost a parent to a senseless act of revenge.

Hetty might have been another option, but she was as close to the case - the murder of a good friend - as Callen was and he knew she was also fighting her own battle tonight. They had fought many battles together, but this wasn't one of those. For this battle, he needed someone close to him, but not someone who was as close to the situation as he was.

When he heard Luc's sleepy voice, Callen winced at having woken his lover, not even having spared a thought about time difference. That alone was a testament to just how unbalanced he was. Still, he also knew that Luc would see right through any excuse and would hound him mercilessly for what was wrong if he tried to push him away now.

So after his lover had snuck out of the bunk room, giving Callen some minutes to shore himself up for the upcoming conversation, he did something he rarely did… he talked in hopes that Luc could make sense out of something that would never make sense.