Author's Note:
TW: Suicide Attempt, Anxiety, and Depression
Full Summary: A semicolon is used to commemorate someone's survival since it is often used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. Related to the semicolon interpretation, Robin finds himself in a situation where he comes home to find a silent home. Driven with fear he rushes to the bathroom to find a shivering Regina under the running water with her heart in her hands.
Resources: If you or someone you know is struggling with similar experiences, please go to /resources-for-help to find support or visit /suicide-prevention-resources for further resources.
Co-written by: Hopias and RegalRayne
Robin enters the house pulling his jacket off and putting it straight into the coat closet knowing Regina would have his behind if he ever left it on the counter again. "Regina?" He calls out, noticing her stilettos lying on the closet floor. He shakes his head, seeing how tall and skinny those things were. How can she even balance herself on those things, let alone wear them willingly? If he didn't know any better, he would think those are torture devices that could be used in the Enchanted Forest. Examining the little feet torture device further, he makes a mental note to massage Regina's feet and legs later.
She must be exhausted, he thinks to himself. Usually, by the time he comes home, Regina has already started dinner or cleaning up whatever mess the kids left. However, the kids were gone for the weekend. Emma took Henry, and Zelena took Margot since it was their weekend, while Roland joined the Merry Men on a camping trip. He knows she's exhausted most of the time by the time they both get to settle down in the evening, so tonight, he'll make sure that she is well taken care of.
"Regina?" He calls again.
The emptiness of the house became eerie as he got no response again. A sudden dread filled his stomach as his heart began to beat faster. Something didn't feel right.
He looked around the rooms before he raced up the stairs calling for her again. "Love, are you home?" he continues, practically yelling.
As he lands in front of their bedroom door, he hears the shower running in their ensuite bathroom. He tries to calm himself again because, yes, that's why he didn't get a response. She was taking a shower, and she couldn't hear him.
He takes a deep breath, trying to even it out. His knocks on the door started out soft, calling for her. "Regina, love, can I come in?" he asks, trying to find an excuse to check on her. When he still receives no response, he pounds on the locked door harder.
The dread that filled his stomach earlier grew a ton size. Realizing that he wouldn't get an answer soon, he dashes to the laundry room to find the spare keys and runs back to the bathroom door. The man who never misses his target had hands that were so shaky that it took him a few seconds to unlock the door.
When the door swung open, it almost broke the wall because of Robin's force to get in. But that was nothing compared to the heartbreak Robin sees when he sets his eyes on Regina.
She was sitting on the shower floor with her knees up to her chest. He saw her in the same clothes that morning before they brought the kids to school and went to work slowly getting drenched along with her.
His heart suddenly dropped to the floor at the sight of her and worry-filled him. Robin crouches down beside her and moves her to his lap.
"What's wrong, my love?" he asks her as he pulls his arm around her.
When she doesn't answer, he tries to ask her again, but he's only greeted with shivers. And although she was brutally shaking from the cold, she still didn't attempt to move or acknowledge her surroundings.
Robin releases her for a second to turn off the shower and carry her out of the bathroom. They were both soaking wet, and usually, Regina would yell at him if he even thought about getting out of the shower without drying off at first. Because how dare he leave droplets on her perfectly dry and heated floors. But looking at her now, she seemed so small and empty, far from the woman he sees daily, who sent people running for the hills.
Finally setting her on their bed, another thought nagged at his brain. He would never hear the end of how he thought it was okay to wet her delicate high thread count bed sheets. But his thoughts quickly stopped when he saw something glowing in her hands.
There, something tiny, filled with dark swirls and bright red ones. It was her heart. Watching her heartbeat in her hand makes him feel like it stopped all at the same time.
He hasn't seen her heart since she'd trusted him with it, and he knows it disturbs her that he's physically seen her darkness. It serves as a reminder of what she was and is capable of. What she's done. It never sunk in that even with all that darkness, her heart manages to glow the brightest red that showcases how far she's come.
Robin moves closer, reaching for her hand, trying to release her grip from the heart. But the more he tries, the more the grip gets tighter.
Was she trying to squeeze it? He thinks for a moment.
Finally, prying each finger open, he gently takes her heart and places it on the bedside table. It was only at that moment that Regina pulled her attention towards him. When she finally recognizes the man in front of her, her pupils dilate, and her eyes begin to well with tears.
Still shivering, Robin moves to peel the wet clothes off her and put her into warm, dry ones. When he finishes doing the same for himself, he finds Regina lying in bed. Pulling the covers, he lays next to her and pulls her into a tight hug.
She was rigid at first, but as Robin whispered reassuring words in her ear, she sank towards him and clutched the arms around her tighter.
"You're okay, my love. I'm here, okay. You're okay," he whispers quietly.
It's difficult to see someone who is always so strong, practically invincible, crumble right before you. Was this the first time she's ever felt this way? He imagines it isn't, quickly remembering their time in the Enchanted Forest. How easy it was for her to surrender to the thought that being asleep forever is easier than living.
Without noticing, his grip on her becomes tighter. Not so tight she feels trapped, but tight enough for both of them to be reminded that they're right here.
"I love you, Regina. I will always love you." He doesn't know if he said it to assure her or himself, but it seemed to work since she moved in closer to him. How it's possible that they could be any closer, he doesn't know, but he's grateful for it.
Soon enough, she falls into a deep sleep. He tried to follow, but he couldn't. He watches her breathing through the night, scared that if he lets sleep take over, he'll wake up to see that she'd stopped.
Plus, it's hard to close your eyes when your mind is running like it's joined the Olympics. Thoughts such as Why? Is she okay? And What ifs? Filled his head for the night.
Regina wakes up to the smell of coffee filling her nose. "Good morning, lovely," she hears before opening her eyes to find Robin standing in front of her with a wide grin. Remembering what happened yesterday, Regina feels embarrassment wash over her. "Robin, I…" she begins, but he quickly stops her.
"We'll take about it later, okay," he says with a loving and assuring smile. "For now, let's eat breakfast."
She's grateful for the time he gives her so she can gather herself before anything. Regardless, she doesn't eat, like he's asked. No, instead, she pushes her eggs around the plate. She catches his glances every time her fork accidentally scraped the plate instead of the egg. It didn't bother her until he stopped eating and spent a good minute watching her.
Finally setting her fork down, she lifts her head to meet his eyes. She thought she'd find scrutiny, maybe even annoyance. A look she's often got from the King or her mother. But no, this was her Robin. Her Robin who was filled with love and understanding. Her Robin who didn't deserve someone like her.
"Who am I?" She finally lets out.
Tilting his head, Robin looks at her confusedly.
She loves him and is thankful for him, but she's already frustrated at herself and is about to take it out on him. "Who am I, Robin? Am I your best friend? Someone who you should take care of? An outsider? Someone who takes care of your children? Who am I?!" She says louder than intended as a single tear falls from her eye.
His instinct was to run to her, to hold her, and remind her, but he knew it was not what she needed right now. So, he stays seated across from her at the dining table. "You're my love. My wife. My forever. The mother of our children."
She lets out a breath that she didn't realize she'd been holding. She knows he'll understand, but why was it so hard to say something.
And just like she knows, he gives her the pause that she needs. Letting her gather the courage she needs to say something. To open up.
"Yesterday, Margot got into a fight with her classmate. No one was hurt, but still, she cursed and said things she shouldn't have. The school had called Zelena to tell her, and our daughter—" She paused. The phrase doesn't feel suitable for her, not anymore. "Margot came home crying. She told me how Zelena had punished her and tugged at her ear because she was "naughty."
Robin forms a scowl on his face, obviously disliking that Zelena had used physical punishment.
"I talked to her about how we raise the kids. I told her that punishment would only cause more issues because… I've been there. I know how it feels to be scolded, disciplined by magic, physical punishments, everything. You name it." Regina starts picking on her thumb, a habit she does whenever she feels overwhelmed. It makes her feel like a child. A helpless child that had no option but to accept everything, and she hates it.
"And as much as I hate to say, she's right, Robin. Zelena is right. I'm not their mother. None of those kids are mine. Henry is Emma's. Roland is Marian's. Margot is Zelena's. I'm just some woman in their lives. I'm practically their Nanny, aren't I?" Those teary brown eyes stared into his. And so much pain reflected in them.
Pain that screamed no matter what she did, she would never be good enough.
It was always Zelena that turned their life upside down. No matter how well their relationship becomes. Robin knows he'll never really like her. Civil? Yes. But like as a genuine person? Never. It doesn't matter that she is the biological mother of his daughter. She's awful. He would never say it out loud, especially anywhere near his daughter, but Zelena is horrible. Especially seeing how she manages to make Regina so insecure. How dare that woman do this to the mother of HIS children.
Robin stands from his seat and crouches down to Regina's side. He tilts her head up from where she's still picking at her thumbs to make eye contact with him. He wants her to see the sincerity in them. That there is not a single doubt in his mind and in his heart about the words, he's about to say. "Don't say that. You're their mother no matter what, and that's not because you're my wife. You were destined to be theirs. You are the best mother our kids could ever ask for, Regina. They chose you to be their mom." He grabs her hand and squeezes it before continuing. "Family isn't blood. You know that. You're an amazing mother to our children."
Regina pulls her hand out of his grip and turns back to her plate. "But she is right, Robin. I could never give you what you want. You and my sister," Regina inhaled a sharp breath. "You're tied together in a way… we'll never be. And I could never change the fact that I was stupid enough to take my chance away."
Robin walks to stand behind her chair. He runs his hand through her hair, kissing her temple in the hope of calming her nerves. He hugs her from the back and whispers in her ear, "you're the one, Regina. I chose you, and I will always choose you. I'd choose you a thousand times if I had to. Don't let your sister get into your head. You're the one that I love. Our kids choose you. Don't ever think you're less than what you're worth, my love."
Even though days have passed since the incident, her mind couldn't stop telling her that she wasn't enough. That she wasn't the kids' mother. Her thoughts ran wild and screamed at her no matter how much she tried to silence them. She tried to let Robin's words of comfort and love take over instead.
Zelena came rolling around the house the other day as if nothing had happened, and it irked Regina. Margot had been tailing her at home. Still a bit traumatized by Zelena's physical punishment. If Regina was cooking in the kitchen, so was Margot, tasting everything she was making. If Regina was in her home office, so was Margot, always sprawled herself on the couch with a stack of books for her to read.
But today was the start of Zelena's week with her, so it came as a surprise when the school rang her phone. Regina answers the phone with a slight smirk as several mischief things that the kid could've done pass her mind. She was, after all, Robin's child, and being a little bandit was in her blood. Not to mention she has her father's humor and spirit. They even have that same little cocky grin when they know they've done something wrong for the right reasons.
Regina's face turned into a frown when the school secretary told her that Margot was still in the school office waiting to be picked up. Heat began to fill her cheeks as she checked the time. It was almost 4 o'clock, and school got out nearly 2 hours ago!
When Regina opened the school's office door, a small, tiny body crashed into her, and silent sobs echoed from her skirt. She picks her up, and Margot quickly nuzzles her head into Regina's neck, still crying. "I'm sorry, sweetie. It's okay," she comforts her as she rubs and pats the child's back.
Lifting her eyes to meet the secretary who was waiting with Margot. "I'm so sorry," Regina apologizes. "Zelena was supposed to pick her up, but something came up, and it was a miscommunication." Regina tries to come up with an excuse.
The lady nodded her head in understanding, telling her to just don't let it happen again. Plus, what else can they do to the former "Evil Queen" and the town's mayor?
Leaving the school, Regina sends Robin a quick summarization of the incident. Still in her arms, she asks, "Ready to go home, big girl?" Margot only nods, still hiding in Regina's shoulder.
Later on, laughter fills the kitchen as Regina and Margot wait for the cookies to finish baking in the oven. "Moooom, stop!" Margot yells as Regina spreads cookie dough on her daughter's face with a laugh.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not doing anything," Regina says before taking a fingerful of cookie dough and slyly putting it on her daughter's chin. "I just wanted you to put your chin up."
Margot laughs again, whipping her face with her shirt. "Mom, you're lying, see!" Margot complains, lifting her shirt so Regina can see the mess.
Regina looks at it intently, raising an eyebrow. "Now, how did that get there? I thought you were a big girl and didn't spill food anymore!" Putting an obviously fake shocked face.
Margot tries to make her mom admit it was her again before Zelena storms into the house filled with rage and is entirely uninvited. "It was supposed to be my time!" she yells from the hallway.
Regina brings the kid down from the kitchen island and tells her to go into the living room for a second. Margot hides and grips Regina's shirt from behind, refusing to leave. So she crouches down to meet her, telling her it will be okay and that she needs to talk to her mom for a second.
Understanding, Margot lets go and runs to the living room, but Zelena catches her in the hallway and picks Margot up.
"It was supposed to be my time, Regina!" She repeats herself.
Regina rolls her eyes. "I know it was supposed to be your time, but you left her to wait for 2 hours at school alone! I expect you to be more responsible when it is your time with our daughter Zelena!"
Hearing Regina says "our daughter" makes Zelena scoff. Because, of course, the one thing she has for herself, she still has to share with her sister. The one thing she was supposed to have that her sister couldn't somehow also became hers. Because everything came so perfect for Regina Mills. "I've told you that she is MY daughter! And until you can grow one and bring one into this world, then I would refrain from you claiming anyone your child."
Seeing the crestfallen face on her sister's face, she feels a sense of pride. "Come on, Peanut," Zelena says in an overly sweet tone. "Go get your school bag, and let's go home. Mama will even buy you ice cream!"
Regina stands there appalled and too tired to bite back, so she watches her sister go, almost dragging a sobbing Margot from the house as her tears fall with her.
"She is MY daughter!" Regina repeats inside over and over again. She couldn't stop thinking about it because Zelena was right. She's technically nobody. Always the stepmother or second mother. She's a babysitter to those kids. She could never be a mom because she took that away from herself.
"Stupid Girl."
"You think it'll make you strong to hurt yourself?"
"I wanted you to have a child for your own sake."
"The only one standing in the way of your happiness is you."
Those last words haunt her the most. "The only one standing in the way of your happiness is you." Because with all of her mother's wrongs, that was the one thing she got right.
Like an ocean wave, she's pulled into the days that Henry pushed her away.
"I'm your mother."
"No, you're not."
"I found my REAL mom."
"I'm a prisoner because you love me."
Maybe she didn't deserve to be a mother because she's a monster. That's who she is and who she will always be.
All of a sudden, she was drowning in the memories. Memories of Roland being angry at her yelling. She wished she was Marian instead because his mama wouldn't be like her. Memories of her failing to calm Margot down as a baby. She could never be a mother, and she would never be a mother. No matter what Robin says, it wasn't in her cards.
Walking inside the bathroom, she stops in front of the mirror. She takes a good look at herself. Or at least tries to. She can make out the tear marks mixed with mascara running down her cheeks. Notices tired bags under her eyes. She stares longer, trying to identify who the woman in front of her is. She has been called so many things in her lifetime, from Princess Regina to the child bride of Leopold to the Evil Queen and to so many more titles. Titles that she all sees take part in the broken woman she sees in the mirror right now.
She takes a deep breath and removes the child lock, and opens the cabinet under the sink. She takes an orange pill bottle and dumps half the bottle in her hands before placing it on the counter.
"Only take one 20 to 30 minutes before bed. This is only to help you sleep, and it doesn't resolve any issues that may be the reason that keeps you awake. Refrain from using them every night and try to set up a comfortable routine before bed for better sleep."
Regina walks out towards their bed. There's no one home, so she knows that no one can stop her this time. She crawls under the cover, tucking herself in. If she looks like she's asleep, then maybe it'll give everyone comfort that she died peacefully in her sleep. It would be better than Robin finding her dying on the bathroom floor with her heart crushed or being awoken by true love's kiss because of a sleeping curse.
"No wonder you jumped."
"I didn't jump. I fell."
"Right… you fell."
"I did. But if I had… Well, here's to good reasons."
Here's to good reasons… If Tinkerbell hadn't saved her that day, it would have saved everyone from being hurt. Even Robin.
She lets out hard sobs before silently muttering, "I'm sorry, Robin. I am so sorry. Please forgive me."
She downs the pills in her hand, and the next thing she knows, she's enveloped by nothing but blackness.
As loud sirens fill the tranquil streets of Storybrooke, it causes everyone in their homes and on the streets to look at the bright white truck with red flashing lights. It's rare for the town to ever use such emergency vehicles. It was usually only the Charmings' patrol car save for a few elders who may have taken a fall or a heart attack and needed immediate medical assistance. But other than that, it was rare for the town to ever see an ambulance run through their streets. Regina would hate the attention she was getting know if she knew.
Storybrooke was a small town and, for the most part, quiet and empty at night. Hence, it barely took them less than 10 minutes to arrive at the hospital. They immediately pulled her into the emergency room. As nurses and doctors rush over to help his wife, Robin could only stand in the corner, watching them, as he silently prays that she makes it through.
A short blond woman walks up to him, asking him questions. But he was too focused on Regina to clearly see the woman in front of him, let alone hear what she was trying to say. It wasn't until the woman began tugging on his arm to pry his attention off the woman he loved and onto her.
Robin whips his head, blinking a few times to recognize what is happening.
"Sir," she calls on him once more. "Do you know what pills she took?"
Robin shakes his head, making himself focus, and hands her the pill bottle he found on their bathroom counter. The bottle that was once filled with her sleeping medication.
"Will she- Is my wife going to be okay?" He asks the nurse looking back at the tiny body on the gurney now filled with tubes and wires, surrounded by people in lab coats and scrubs.
The nurse gives him a timid smile, although he can't see it. "We'll try our best to save her," she answers before running back to tell the doctors.
"Please be okay… I need you, Regina. We need you…."
