A/N: Well, there we have it. James' POV between chapters 6 and 8 of Willow. It was really nice to be back to this universe! Now, enjoy the angst, you asked for it lol

Once more, thank you Chestnut1992, the best beta around, for being a life saver with vest and everything. At this point I'm making typos just so you can fix them for me S2


He heard the door opening but he didn't raise his head. He knew it wasn't her. She was not coming back.

- James?

He squeezed his eyes shut. He really didn't want to talk to Sirius right now.

- James, what are you doing here? You're missing Charms.

Please, just go away.

- James.

Sirius was crouching in front of him now. He put both of his hands on each of James' shoulders.

- Mate, talk to me. What's wrong?

James finally lifted his eyes to his friend.

- It's over. She broke up with me.

Sirius frowned his forehead in confusion.

- Broke up with you? Who, Evans?

If it were any other day, James would have rolled his eyes to the daft question. Today he just let his head wobble and fall behind onto the desk on which he leaned. Sirius sat next to him on the floor.

- You're fucking with me.

James was silent. Sirius was fuming.

- I can't believe Evans broke up with you for something that happened months ago, before you were even together! What the fuck is wrong with that bird? How can she be so fucking–

- If you insult her, Sirius, I will break your face.

His friend blinked, astonished.

James sighed, not believing his own words. He had no power to even stand up from where he had been slouching for the past hour, much less to physically harm someone. He closed his eyes again, going back to the exercises of controlling his breathing as he had been doing before Sirius walked in.

- Alright. – His friend sounded like he was making an immense effort to get a hold of himself. – Will you tell me what happened, then?

James shook his head, eyes still closed.

- Not really. I just calmed myself down, can't go back there now.

- There where?

- Hell? - James snorted humourlessly. - Don't know, don't ask me.

- Mate, you're scaring me. Can you just fucking talk to me normally?

He couldn't. For the first time in his life James didn't trust himself to talk. To not lose control.

The moment she walked out the door, he had felt a strange pang on his chest. It took him a while to notice it but, when he did, it was like a thousand thick needles were pinching him up and down. Then the needles turned into a weird suction feeling, as if his heart was being pulled away, removed out of place. That was when he noticed he was having trouble breathing. He didn't seem to be able to inhale enough oxygen, the air didn't fill his lungs as it should, and his breath was coming out short and shallow. Suddenly, he felt his skin start tingling warm all across his body.

He realised, belated, that he was hyperventilating.

He had walked back and forth around the room, trying to calm himself down, counting to one hundred, forcing long and deep breaths. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

When his hands had stopped shaking, he let his body slide to the ground, where he stayed, head between knees, until Sirius showed up. He was afraid that, at any time now, he would forget how to breathe again. It was wiser to stay silent and repeat the mantra - inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Sirius just stared at him. James wanted him to leave but he knew he wouldn't. Sirius would never. He just sat there and looked at James, waiting patiently for his friend to answer his questions. James had no idea how long they stood there in silence. Several minutes or several hours. He wasn't sure.

When his ears weren't zooming anymore, James spoke, though he couldn't look at his friend just yet. He barely noticed he was talking, eyes glazed, fixed on the dirty floor ahead of him, just letting the words wash over him.

- She figured out about us.

Sirius didn't move and James couldn't see him, so he just carried on in a monotone.

- During summer. She already knew about Remus, since fifth year, and she saw Peter transforming last year, so she deduced he must be an Animagus. And, then, naturally, the two of us too. She put the pieces together of our nights out in the full moon and our nicknames, and she just… Just figured it all out.

He sighed, forcing the memory of that day in the Heads' office when she told him everything, and the delicious aftermath, out of his fragile head.

- That's what that joke was about. During dinner a couple weeks ago. When I called you a sheep. It was because she thought that padfoot referred to it first, instead of a dog, and I thought that was hilarious. You transforming into a sheep.

If it were any other day, Sirius would have snorted, offended. Today he kept quiet, listening to James talk.

- She knew almost everything. And the rest, she never pressed me to tell her. What happened with Snape or between us last year. About the map and any other secret we might have. She never demanded to know any of it. She never pressured me or interfered whatsoever. She accepted it all gracefully, giving me time and space, letting me be the one to decide what she should know and how she should know it.

James finally met his friend's eyes.

- So why haven't I told you any of this before? If she found out about our secret by herself and never told another soul, there was no risk, right? It made sense that I would share that with you. But I didn't. Why? And why didn't I tell you when me and her got together? Why was I being so careful? What was I scared of?

Sirius didn't have an answer. Neither did James.

- It really doesn't matter, though. Not anymore. I already lost her.

His head dropped again against the back of the desk, his throat running dry in opposition to his eyes. He finally let himself cry.

He didn't remember the last time he had cried. Maybe after the Whomping Willow incident, at the sight of Remus shattered with the knowledge of what Sirius had done. Maybe during Christmas break of sixth year in reaction to Sirius' own tears, begging for forgiveness and for a home, retelling James what his mother had done to him the day before. Maybe when he lost that game against Ravenclaw.

He wasn't certain, but all these previous times, if he did cry, it was only a few tears. It was just a natural reaction to something bad that had happened. This time, though, his entire body was in insurmountable pain. He cried because his heart seemed to be in a twisted position inside his chest, causing the rest of his organs to malfunction. It wasn't just tears strolling down his cheeks. James wailed as if he had lost a limb.

Sirius moved in immediately and held on to James, arms tightly around him as his shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. His friend was saying something, many things actually, whispering in James' ear, going for soothing words that James couldn't hear above the deafening noise in his head.

He'd had a bad feeling about the whole Wyllie Macmillan situation from minute one.

The second the insufferable twat opened his damned mouth about the summer parties, James knew nothing good would come out of it. He tried to stop it, shut up the wanker, but it was too late. Not only did he declare to everyone around him that James had hooked up with Nuur, he made it seem like James had been the one to chase her, begging for a chance with the girl. And even worse, that he had been in love with her. Nothing farther from the truth, of course. A ridiculous notion, really.

He knew that. Lily didn't.

And the only thing he could think at the moment was that he should have taken the opportunity at the Prefects' bathroom and come clean with her. It had been the perfect chance to do so. He had never considered sitting down with Lily before to tell her he had gotten involved with Nuur during the summer because it never seemed to be that big of a deal to him. He knew they were sort of friends, but not that much. Nuur wasn't Marlene or Cassandra. He only saw Lily engaging with the girl during Heads' business. And if James didn't feel the need to tell Lily about how he also hooked up with Edwards and Rabon, or any other random girl in Hogwarts, there was no reason for him to tell her about Nuur either.

But, in the Prefects' bathroom, the opportunity presented itself. He hadn't needed to bring up the topic himself, it just naturally came up when Lily mentioned his summer trysts. When she said she knew he had many flings during the holidays. In that moment, something in his head nagged at him, telling him he should take the situation and finally talk to Lily about it. About their past, about those who have come before they got together.

But he just couldn't make himself do it. When she had spoken Bones' name, while they were in such an intimate moment, naked bodies flushed against each other for the first time in their lives, James felt like someone had punched him right in the gut. He hated imagining her with the boy. Not that he had to use much of his imagination, for that matter. He had actually seen them together. He had watched Bones walk around the castle like the proudest bloke because he had secured the fittest and smartest girl in school, had watched him clasp her hand in his and massage her neck, had watched him touch her where James would never dream of coming close.

He did get to touch her eventually, to his eternal surprise, but it still bothered him excessively to imagine the other intimacies that Lily had shared with the boring Hufflepuff. He preferred not knowing it. And if he opened up about his own past relations, she would predictably do the same. He wasn't ready for it. He didn't want to know. Not yet.

So he dodged the subject, put up his walls, pushed Lily away. She got the hint, bursting their little bubble of happiness inside the bathtub and leaving the bathroom in a blink of an eye. James had the strangest feeling then. That, somehow, he had chosen the wrong path.

When Macmillan opened his blasted mouth in the Common Room and Lily looked at James with her beautiful doe eyes widened as if somebody had slapped her in the face, he knew instantly that he had being right to assume he fucked up that day in the Prefects' bathroom. He wasn't honest with her when he could have been. It was another secret he had kept from her, but this time unnecessarily. This time, unfairly.

The following day, Lily skipped classes and the feeling deepened in his core. Something was terribly wrong, he could tell. She never missed her lectures, no matter what. What had been an original simple concern of how mad she would be at him for lying to her, for letting her find out the truth through fucking Macmillan, slowly turned into a frantic anxiety that he had broken something. He spent the day with his heart misplaced on his throat, looking around in expectancy to suddenly see her or hear her voice, sitting at the Gryffindor table praying for her to show up, hanging around the Common Room until late at night, hoping she would go down to take a walk and leave her dorm for the first time in the day.

He barely slept that night. When the first rays of light appeared in the horizon, he stood up and took a long shower, practising in his head what he would say to her when he finally had the chance and, if she did not show up again, how he could find her. He entertained the idea of flying to her dorm and knocking on her window, but discarded it when he realised how invasive that would be. And creepy. Though, if he was being honest, his despair was leaving him fewer other options.

Luckily, he hadn't needed to resort to such questionable behaviour. Lily came down for breakfast that day, much later than lately, similar to how she did previously to their newfound relationship. He couldn't wait one second longer. His stomach was in knots, he couldn't even eat his yoghurt, and she looked so pretty. He had missed her terribly.

He convinced her to let him take her to an empty classroom and he thought, momentarily, that perhaps he had been too paranoid. When she told him she didn't blame him for what had happened, that she didn't think he had done anything wrong, he thought that he had allowed his anxiety to take control of him, because they were fine. It wasn't that bad.

He quickly discovered it was much worse.

He had only imagined she'd be upset at him for his lies and the way she had been put in the spotlight in front of all their friends with Macmillan's little rampage. It turned out she hadn't really cared about it. At least, that was far from the crux of the problem. The real thing was something James had never seen coming in a million years.

During the long time he spent weeping on Sirius' shoulder, he realised his pain didn't come only from the fact that she had left him.

- I made her feel insecure, Sirius.

He didn't know how he found the ability to speak again, but his voice, despite the tremble and the thickness of choking tears, came out loud and clear.

- I made her feel small.

- What are you talking about?

- I didn't realise how my actions were affecting her. How not being honest with her, and also with you, not telling you that we were together, how this… bothered her. How not being open and letting her see how I truly felt about her would only make her feel insecure. I thought I was, - James faltered, swallowing thickly - I thought I was being careful, you know? I didn't want to scare her away with the strength of my feelings. With how I spend every second of my day thinking about her. - He snorted self-deprecatingly. - How I have been doing so for years. I thought it was better to play it cool, to hide my emotions, to take it easy. I mean, no one likes a creep who has been obsessed with you even though you made it clear you didn't want anything with them, right? I wasn't about to tell her I had been acting like another fucking Snape for the past two years.

His ribs had started to ache. It was like there was a string inside his torso that twisted and turned as he finally spoke the words that have been chained inside his heart for too long.

- I didn't want to lose my head around her. I was so fucking scared to mess us up. And, mate, I was so fucking scared that you would. You fucking arsehole - James' voice dropped the monotone and picked up heat. He drew back, putting some distance between himself and his friend. Sirius widened his eyes at that, not expecting the direction of James' confession. - Why did you have to be such a cunt? Provoking her, insulting her, making her feel flustered at any chance you had. You got all fucking mad because I didn't tell you when I got together with her in the first place, but you bloody deserved it, didn't you, Sirius? The way you treated her for absolutely no reason other than that you were fucking jealous that she's all I think about. You couldn't possibly share me, could you? - James scrunched his eyes closed, bringing a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, hissing the next words - You piece of shit.

Silence reigned until Sirius whispered.

- I'm sorry, James.

James chuckled, derisively.

- You should be. Not for me, but for her. She doesn't deserve the way you treated her. And she definitely doesn't deserve the way you think of her. - James opened his eyes, ice cold on Sirius'. - I know you don't like her. You never have. And, mate, you're so fucking wrong. She's the best human being I know and the fact that you don't see that just shows how you're blinded by jealousy. - James shook his head in defeat. - But her breaking up with me is not your fault. You should feel sorry for being a dickhead with her, but I managed to lose her all by myself. Impressively enough, I am the biggest dickhead in this room.

- You're not, James - Sirius rushed to comfort him, though he kept his hands to himself this time, correctly guessing that James didn't want his friend touching him now, not when he was suddenly so very cross with him. - You just misjudged the situation. You thought it'd be better to go slow, to hold yourself back, when in fact she needed something else. You couldn't have known that.

- Yes, I could. If I had talked to her. If I had been bloody honest about my feelings.

- We can't always be honest with everyone, can we? Some things are better left unsaid, if it means-

James let out a wry, joyless laugh.

- You would think that, wouldn't you? But tell me, - he twisted his head to look at his friend sharply – how has this worked out for you so far? Are you much happier being a closed off, unattainable person who hides secrets from everyone?

Sirius didn't reply, but James didn't want him to.

It was not about his friend, anyway. He could do whatever he wanted with his life, James didn't have the capacity to try and work out through the obvious emotional issues of his best mate. At least, not right now. Right now, he needed to figure out how he, James, was going to survive having lost the best thing he ever had. And, more than that, survive the knowledge that not only he lost her, he also broke her heart in the process. He made her feel insecure, stupid, small - all because of her inexperience and blood status.

That hurt more than anything else.

The image of Lily alone in her bedroom for the whole of summer, thinking of the Marauders, riddled with doubts and stress, isolated from the Wizarding World, feeling excluded, feeling lonely, feeling less, made his insides burn with anger. And guilt. And shame.

He already knew he would never forgive himself for making her go through that. Not that he could have changed anything during summer – he knew she wouldn't have wanted to hear from him, much less receive a visit from him, back when their relationship was still rocky, based on past regrettable mishaps on his part. But he could have made her feel better about it, at least a bit less left out from his world, every day since they started seeing each other. If he hadn't been such a coward - terrified with the perspective that she would wake up one day and realise he wasn't good enough for her or that they would go too far and end up having sex, and she would regret it in the morning - and had just been honest with her, let her see the extent of his feelings, he wouldn't be in the position he was right now. If he had been a true Gryffindor, brave enough to offer her his all without expecting anything in return, as he should have done, she would see that there was nothing more important than her. That she alone was the best thing to ever happen to the Wizarding World.

And the worst was that she thought that it was all her fault. That she was overreacting, that she wasn't mature enough, that she was being stupid for having "silly" issues, that she was being unfair for expecting him to act like a decent human being instead of an unnecessarily secretive arsehole with ridiculous hang-ups and body-paralysing fears of losing her.

Which he had. In the end, he lost her. He broke both their hearts, and he will never forgive himself for that.

- It's all my fault.

James said the words out loud as if to ensure they would cancel the same words Lily had said in that same classroom only a couple of hours ago. It was stupid but he wanted to throw them in the universe, guarantee there was no mistake as to who was the real wrong party in this mess.

- She did everything right. She was open with me from the beginning, she protected our secrets, she gave me space, she made sure to be understanding, even of your shitty behaviour towards her. And I didn't reciprocate her actions. Simple as that. I lied to her and I made her feel bad about herself. She thinks it's her fault, but it's only mine. I did everything wrong. And I will just have to learn how to live with that.

James got to his feet, suddenly not being able to sit still anymore, startling Sirius with the abrupt move. The air around him felt too thick, too restrictive, and he needed out. Out where, he had no idea. He just needed to leave that horrible place, that blasted cold classroom, which would always remind him of the moment his world came crumbling down.


The class after Charms was Care of Magical Creatures, which provided James with a small portion of relief. At least outside, off on the grounds of the castle, he would be able to breathe a little better. He followed the lecture with a blank head, but his hands weren't shaking anymore, fortunately. He stayed most of the time next to Sirius and the lads, absently noticing their discreet glances and the way they tried to communicate with each other in silent stares. He also noticed Marlene and Elizabeth hovering around them, certainly trying to understand what was going on, to no avail.

James couldn't be arsed to care. He never minded what their friends thought before, and now he did even less. He just wanted that day to be over so he could find some comfort in his bed. Despite the current better performance of his lungs, the rest of his body still ached awfully. He didn't want a distraction, he just wanted to cry again.

The day was long, tough. After lunch, they would have their second N.E.W.T's Transfiguration preparatory training for the entire afternoon and James still needed to finish the detention slips before their next Heads' meeting on Monday, although he doubted he'd manage to do that with his present spirit. Before all of that, however, he had to sit at the Gryffindor table next to her.

He only saw a brief glimpse of red when he walked in, his eyes glued to the ground. He sat down in the same place he always did and focussed on eating the food in front of him. His friends chatted quietly around him, still stealing glances every now and then, yet they didn't ask him anything nor addressed him in any way. James suspected Sirius might have told them to leave him alone. He would feel grateful if he could feel anything at the moment.

The preparatory training passed in a blur. He barely remembered following McGonagall's instructions. He was paired with Remus, luckily, who was as skilled as he was thoughtful. He worked side to side with James without pushing him too much but making sure to keep him going. By the end of it, James was exhausted from keeping up appearances. Again, he needed out. He needed to leave wherever he was and just go away.

He skipped dinner, not feeling hungry anyways. He only traded a few words with Remus, letting his friend know where he was going and declining his offers to accompany him, before he headed to the fourth floor, map fastened in his hands, to the secret passage next to Binn's office. He walked swiftly ahead the dark pathway, reaching the red-tiled arch in no time, crossing the cobblestones streets of Hogsmeade until he found himself in The Hog's Head. He greeted the barkeep with a tilt of head, wondering for a minute if he should find a table and just be done with the night there. He made up his mind when he thought of the lads, who would invariably be worried if he did not come back soon.

With a deep sigh, he ordered a couple of Dragon Barrel Brandys and Blishen's Firewhiskeys and returned from where he came, shrinking the beverages to stuff them inside his pockets as he made his way back through the corridors of the castle. Glad that most of the students were down in the Great Hall for dinner, James climbed up to the Gryffindor Tower, finding his friends waiting for him in the Common Room. In silence, they followed him to their dormitory, seemingly accepting without any questions that they were spending the night in.

When James finally settled in his bed, he closed his eyes.

When the day started, he was frantic, heart beating wildly against his throat, anxiety plaguing his every nerve. He couldn't sleep off the tension because he needed to see her. He needed to talk to her. Now he wished he had never done it. He wished he had never seen the pained look in her eyes when she confessed her feelings to him, her embarrassed turn of lips when she declared she wasn't mature enough for their relationship. He wished he had never heard her say that she laid forgotten alone in her hometown during summer while he was living his best life with another girl. He wished he had never seen how much he had hurt her.

Too late now. The image was imprinted on his brain and there was only way he would be able to not spend another night distressingly awake.

He summoned the brandy with his wand and began his mission of getting hammered.

He drank for as long as he could hold the bottle in his hands. When he couldn't anymore, under the concerned eyes of his three friends, he let his body sag and finally sailed to unconsciousness.

To no one's surprise, he woke up the next day with a massive hangover. His booming groan roused up the rest of the dorm's occupants, as James felt like he was about to die with the way his head was throbbing. Remus was by his side in an instant, checking up on him and telling him he'd be right back with a hangover cure. James couldn't even open his eyes, but he hoped Remus picked up his ardent acquiescence. For what seemed an eternity his friend was gone, and James needed to throw his arms over his head to block the sunlight and the intense pitying stares from Sirius and Peter. When Remus was finally back, James drank the concoction eagerly and sighed in relief when the headache receded.

Remus remained sitting in James' bed as he slowly came back to life.

- Hey, mate. You feeling better?

- Yeah. Thanks, Moons.

He braced his forearms on the mattress, pushing his body up. Sirius and Peter were both sitting at the latter's bed, looking attentively at them. Remus brought a hand to squeeze James' thigh.

- Do you wanna tell us what happened?

So Sirius didn't tell them. James was half glad and half annoyed for it. He didn't know if he had in himself to repeat the painful words.

He would have to though, as he looked inside his kind friend's eyes. He owed him that much.

- Lily broke up with me.

- Yeah, we figured. But, uh, what exactly did she tell you?

James blinked away, staring at his white bed sheets.

- She doesn't think she's ready to date me. With all my secrets and bullshit, you know. She said she needs time to settle herself.

- Oh, so it's not officially over, then? She just asked for some time, it doesn't mean she's breaking up with you for good.

James shook his head, lightly not to trigger his headache back.

- Nah, it's over. It was written all over her face.

- But, James, you don't know that. Maybe if you talk to her again-

- No.

- Why not? – Remus frowned at him. – Why are you giving up so easily? This is Lily. You've been crazy about her for ages. Why are you letting her walk away now without putting up a fight?

James shrugged. The way he saw it, it was not really up to him.

- I hurt her, Remus. I knew since the beginning I was no good for her and I was right. I fucked up and I'm not gonna make it even worse for her by chasing after her again. She said she needs time and that's what I'm going to give her.

- Well, okay. Some time, then. But not forever, right? Right?

His friend sounded hopeful and, when James raised his gaze, he saw the same emotion shining in Peter's eyes. Sirius just stared back with an inscrutable face.

- I don't know. I'm not going to push her. She needs to focus on herself now and I have no right in making her life even more difficult. I've done enough.

Remus sighed.

- Have you at least told her that Macmillan was completely full of shit and that you have nothing with Shafiq anymore?

- Of course I did. Doesn't mean she believed it though, does it? If I were her, I wouldn't. I'm a world-class liar, she already knows it by now.

- Well, James, then say it again. – Remus took his hand off James' thigh and placed it on his shoulder, shaking him until James met his gaze again. – Say it until she believes it. The least she deserves to know is how much you care for her. She can't go around thinking she doesn't mean anything to you. Even if you two don't get back together. You don't want her to really believe she's just another one of your random flings, do you?

James' throat constricted at the thought. Just imagining Lily entertaining the idea that he wasn't completely head over heels for her, her actually believing that whatever he had with Nuur or whomever else was the same to what they had, made him want to throw up. She couldn't possibly think that. He couldn't let her think that.

But how could he get her to believe it without going against what she specifically asked of him? She said she needed time. She said she wanted to deal with her own issues, which she said didn't really concern him. He couldn't just go after her the very next time to corner her into talking to him again, into being in his presence once more when she literally asked the opposite of him.

Unless he didn't.

Unless they just happened to be thrown together again and had the chance, then, to talk. Such as during their patrol rounds the next day. They would have to stay in each other's company for hours, anyway. It would be the perfect time for James to explain himself better, tell her it was all a misunderstanding, that he had fucked up but he didn't do it on purpose. Maybe if he told her his side of the story, the way he rationalized his stupid actions to himself, she'd understand it better. Well, maybe not understand it because not even he did. He had acted so ridiculously that there was no real explanation, except that he was a coward. But, perhaps, if she knew that, she would believe it when he said he was crazy for her. That she was never forgotten by him. That, if he could, he would have been there, right next to her, every day of her life since their fifth year. That, if he could do it all over again, he would have not only immediately told Sirius, but also screamed from the top of his lungs to the whole castle to hear that they were together, from the second he kissed her for the first time in that full moon. That he would never hold himself back from her again. That he was ready to give her his all, for as long as she wanted him to.

Something akin to hope blossomed in his chest, despite himself. He had accepted that she was gone and had already convinced himself that he needed to find a way to survive not being with her anymore. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised Remus was right. Although there was not much that James could do about her feelings of inadequacy, of how she struggled with her place in the world and her overall inexperience, what he could do was to make sure she understood that he was in love with her.

Because that was what he was. He reckoned he was already half fallen for her much before that first night in the windowsill. She already figured as the main character in his mind during most of his waking hours then, even if he bravely fought that and attempted to keep her tidily inside the never-gonna-happen box. Since that night, though, there was no where he could go but downhill in his feelings for her. Now that he was taking his time to finally think about it, and question his own behaviour, he wondered if that hadn't been one of the reasons for him to hold back so much the past few weeks. Maybe he wasn't only scared of how she would react to his intensity, or of how he was likely to mess up whatever they had.

Maybe he was just scared of his own feelings.

He had never felt that way before. He had never been so at loss as to what to do. He had always been a very put-together bloke, well in charge of his emotions and, most importantly, of the outward appearance of them. He took the highest pride in being an excellent actor, after all. He knew how to manoeuvre himself in every situation and that had always been a balm of relieved certainty in a world that was quickly descending towards chaos around him.

He was James Potter. The Marauder. The Head Boy. The Gryffindor captain. The castle's known prankster and party animal. The popular, friendly, approachable poster child of Hogwarts.

For the past seven years he had known his place in the world to a tee. He knew how he stood among his peers, knew which side of the war he would fight, knew exactly what he would be doing once graduation came. He had his best friends backing him up and he was certain he would manage to get his parents behind him too. It was only a matter of time, and he was up for it.

And, yet, among all of that, he had not factored Lily in. He had, naturally, never expected to have a chance with her in this lifetime. He never really stopped to think what a world with her would look like. And then everything happened so fast with the windowsill incident, her asking him out, and suddenly they were snogging all around the castle in the past few weeks. James hadn't even had the time to digest what was happening. To really take a deep breath and understand what he was feeling. The only thing that blasted in his head the entire time was that he could not lose her. Every time he found himself holding her tight in his arms, the only thing he could think of was how to make sure there would be a next time.

He lost sight of what was important, and of himself, because he had lost his balance. The second he had her, everything else blurred around the edges. He stopped being his assured, casual, quick-witted self. He wanted to be the person she wanted to be with, whatever that meant. He wanted to take it easy because he assumed that was what he should be doing. She was a virgin, after all. Even before he learned that fact, he was already finding himself terrified of repeating what happened in that full moon, unreasonably scared that she would do the same she did then – run away from him. It made no sense, he could see it now, because she kept coming after him afterwards, finding him in all places of the castle to hook-up. But he had already put that idea in his thick head, which he presently knew how to interpret as a defence mechanism for his overwhelming feelings for her, and after she told him she had never had sex before, he was even more determined to go as slow as possible.

If they went slow, the chances of there being a next time increased, right? By biding his time, he was ensuring even more time next to her. In the clusterfuck of his blindly-in-love mind, that had made sense.

Sitting flatly on his bed after Remus decided to leave him to stew on what they had just discussed, James could clearly see how stupid he had been. How immature. As if any relationship could prosper if there was no communication between the two parties. If they didn't tell each other how they felt and what they wanted from one another. If they were holding themselves back.

Well, at least one of the parties was. Lily never did. She took rein of it the moment she had the chance, telling him how she fancied him and asking him for a date when he didn't have the guts to do so; going after him to increase their time together when he was running around the castle scared; soothing him after his regrettable defeat to Ravenclaw when he was being a cry baby and hiding from everyone; opening up to him about her virginity when he closed off the second he heard Bones' name. She was brave and she was fierce, she never ran away from them again since that night in the windowsill, while that was the only thing he had been doing lately. He had been so fucking blind to think she would not be able to deal with his honesty and the intensity of his feelings. He had no reason to think that, because she never gave him a reason for that. He had been ultimately unfair with her.

Hit by an uncommon clarity, James decided to fix that. He wasn't going to beg her to forgive him and come back to him, but he was damned determined to finally give her what she deserved – his heart on a platter. He was going to tell her every last drop of feeling he had for her and make sure she knew Nuur meant nothing to him, nobody meant nothing to him except her. He was going to explain to the last details what was going on inside his mind this past week and why he had been acting so lamentably.

He would do that the next day, when they were patrolling together. He would present all the information to her and let her decide what she wanted to do with it. Even if she didn't take him back, if she was at least open to hear him up, he was willing to bear his chest to her thorough inspection.

Sitting on his bed surrounded by his supportive best mates, James couldn't stop the spread of hope blossoming up and down his body for the first time since Wyllie Macmillan opened his disgusting Pureblood mouth in the Common Room.

Perhaps everything was not yet lost.


- Hey, James!

James looked up from the Heads' desk where he had been going over the detention slips that laid on an organised pile in front of him. He was supposed to finish those on Friday, but they were already done by the time he got there. The only explanation was Lily doing it and he was in the process of trying to pinpoint when exactly did she find the opportunity to do so when sixth-year Charlotte Payne walked inside the office.

- Hi, Payne. Everything alright?

- Yeah, all good. I'm supposed to patrol with you tonight.

- What?

- Lily asked me to exchange rounds with her. She will patrol tomorrow with Martinez, and I'll do it tonight with you. Didn't she tell you she was doing that?

If she had hexed him, it would have hurt less.

Lily had changed her patrol schedule, something she has never done before, so she wouldn't need to see him. She had preferred to take up rounds on Monday night, when she usually was so tired after the Heads' meeting she didn't have energy to do anything else other than take a bath and fall into bed, than spend any second next to him.

She did mean it when she said she wanted a time off. Not only from their relationship, but from him. She just didn't want to be around him anymore.

It made sense. He had broken her heart, naturally she wouldn't want to be stuck alone with him for hours on end. He had been silly to think he would have the chance to talk to her and change her mind.

He forced himself to nod to the girl looking expectantly at him, while his heart withered. There went the insensible hope he had been harbouring since the day before. As it should. It had been stupid of him to let himself think she wasn't really gone.

She was.

There was no way around it.

As if she had broken up with him all over again, James powered through the hours of patrol with a shallow breath, shaky hands and a beaten heart. He cried himself to sleep that evening, finally having a good night of rest since he was too exhausted to stay up past the first minutes of quiet sobs and finally fell deeply asleep.

He woke up the next day, resigned. And determined. He needed to focus now on moving on, in surviving her. In putting one foot after the other.

The first thing he needed to do was stick to a safe routine.

Wake up early, go for a quick fly, Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts. Sit on the back of each class, stay quiet, do not look at her. A brief lunch, Herbology, practice. Make his teammates sweat around the pitch, work as hard as humanly possible. Shower, sit down on the bench of the changing room to pass the time, vacillate in his determination, skip dinner again, a swift visit to the kitchens. Bury his nails on his palms, walk to the Heads' office. Take his place at the desk, stare at the window, force himself to go numb. Brace himself.

Look at her.

- Hi.

Stop looking at her. Look down at his hands.

- Hi.

- I'm sorry about yesterday, James. It was really silly of me, so stupid. But I promise I won't do that again. You don't need to worry, I won't slack off on my responsibilities anymore.

Ignore the impulse of standing up and cradling her in his arms until she stops thinking she needs to apologise for anything.

Give her the space she needs.

- No problem, Evans, I understand.

He was relieved to see his voice didn't crack like his spirit did when he locked eyes with her again for the first time since she had walked away that Friday. The way his soul cracked when he saw her and realised he would never touch her again.

The door mercifully opened in the next beat, and the prefects came in to rescue him from himself. He instantly stood up, silently repeating the many mantras he had been telling himself lately. Inhale, exhale. Be numb, brace yourself. Move on.

He found distraction in leading the meeting, taking the charge to collect the prefects' reports and give them information about the next Hogsmeade visit, scheduled for the following weekend. Lily had done a pristine job organising the first one, he was hellbent on not falling short of what was expected of him in the second. The students in front of him listened to it all in an impressive show of respect, letting him command their attention as few times before. James mused that maybe his defeated posture left no room for doubts that he was up for no bullshit that evening.

His musings were proven wrong shortly after, when Evan Rosier snorted rudely. Loud enough to be clearly intended to bring attention to him. James stopped talking and looked at the git.

- Something on your mind, Rosier?

- Nah – the bloke drawled, insufferably. - You know, just thinking how ironic this all is. It's very amusing, if you know what I mean.

James had to take a deep breath in. He was definitely not in the mood for that kind of shit right now.

- I most definitely do not know what you mean – he managed to push out, struggling to keep his voice neutral. The git just shrugged.

- Just that everyone keeps talking about how great the Head Girl is, when in reality who actually gets it all done it's our Pureblood Head Boy. – At that, he turned to look at Lily, arching a petulant eyebrow in her direction. - It's a great example for outside these walls, exactly how our world had been built, isn't it? The Purebloods actually putting all the work while the Mud-

James' entire body trembled at the vicious words. In an automatic move, something he was still too accustomed to do whenever a Slytherin started talking like that, his hand shot to his robes in search of his wand as he growled -

- If you finish that sentence, you're so fucked, mate.

Rosier seemed to have been expecting James' reaction, based on the obnoxious laugh he let out, hands raising in front of him in faux-surrender.

- Relax, Potter. I know very well where your loyalties lie, unfortunately. But I also know where mine lie. And it really just prickles me to see her taking the spots that were meant for other far more worthy people. Doesn't it prickle you too, Severus?

Despite the fact that his cold eyes stayed on Lily, his last words were directed at the silent bloke sitting next to him, who had been following the whole exchange with wide eyes. No one said anything for a few moments, which James took as incentive to kill off whatever ill intentions Rosier was entertaining and whatever heated reaction he was trying to stir.

- I still have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, Rosier, - James started, keeping his eyes locked with the Slytherin's - but Evans earned every last inch of her Head Girl badge, so you better just shut your mouth before-

- Ah, yeah, of course. Because she's the best at everything, isn't she? Tell me, Potter, is she also the best student at Potions in this school?

- What?

James had no idea what the fucker was on about now. He knew the git would never miss an opportunity to bring blood status into a discussion. James expected it already, which was the reason his fingers were closed tightly around the edge of his wand inside the folds of his robes. But why the hell was he bringing Potions into it? Was he trying to get a rise out of Lily? If he was, that made no sense since she was the best student at the subject, right next to Snape.

Apparently disagreeing with him, Lily spoke up for the first time in the past half an hour.

- I am not – her voice was small. James finally chanced a peek at her, but she wasn't talking to Rosier. She looked at Snape. - I didn't ask for it, he offered. And it's a great opportunity so I-

- So you just took it, right? – Rosier interrupted her sharply. - How very noble. And then you lot have the audacity to say that Purebloods take your opportunities away from you, when in reality you're the one stealing-

- Enough.

The powerful word reverberated across the office as Snape snapped at his housemate. James would be impressed if he wasn't fully confused. He had no idea what was going on. Much less during the following interaction.

- Lily is as talented and deserving of the spot in the programme as me. She earned it just like she earned the Head Girl badge. So be quiet now, Evan, I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

- Thank you, Severus. Now, shall we wrap this up if no one else has anything pertinent to Head business to discuss?

No one did and after some more minutes of Lily handling the last details of the meeting, the prefects were dismissed. James hadn't managed to say a word ever since he tried, and failed, to get a hold of the situation, feeling lost to what was happening. Before he could get his bearings, Lily turned to him.

She smiled sweetly and his heart skipped a beat.

- Hey, thanks for sticking up for me, I really-

- Hey, Lily!

The voice belonged to Thomas Shaw, who was, of course, still committed to win Lily over by being the most insistent, and clueless, prat in the castle. All James wanted, and has wanted for a while, was to tell the bloke to back the fuck off and leave Lily alone. He had done it once, that night when Lily asked him out, but apparently Shaw really didn't get the message. James wanted nothing more than to tell the prat to stop coming after his girl. Before he could hex Shaw senseless, he remembered Lily wasn't his.

In front of him, Lily stopped in the middle of her sentence, rolling her eyes before spinning in her heels.

- Rosier is a git, isn't he? – Shaw was saying, all smiles. - Crikey! But you held your ground as you always do, that was actually a great demonstration of why you're such a good Head Girl.

James couldn't see her, but her reply came forward friendly.

- Thank you, Thomas. I appreciate it.

- Don't mention it. And, you know, I'm not sure what they were talking about, but I can tell you you're the best Potions student in Hogwarts, much better than Snape, I mean-

- Hi, sorry to interrupt.

James had been so off his footing he hadn't realised Nuur had stayed behind with bloody Shaw. Both Lily and him twisted their bodies to the source of the interruption.

- Sorry, Thomas, I just wanted to thank Lily again for Saturday.

- Ah, no need to thank me – Lily's answer shot out hurriedly, and James saw that she was blushing.

- Of course there is! You took time off of your weekend to tutor me, and let me say, you're a great teacher. I really feel more confident now with the defensive spells you taught me.

James wished the Earth would spin slower. He was struggling to make sense of anything around him. His gaze was still set on Lily, though, as it tended to do whenever he didn't know what to do. She was flushed from head to toe and her next words were said so faintly he barely heard them.

- You're welcome.

A pause.

- Hi, James.

He blinked, noticing Nuur was now addressing him. He frowned, trying to figure out what to say but before he could do so, Lily was moving and his eyes snapped back to her. This time he couldn't make out her words, spoken so rushed and low, and then she was gone, marching out of the Heads' office without a look back.

James stood there, head swirling. He knew both Shaw and Nuur were looking expectantly at him, but he was having a hard time settling himself. After repeating his mantra and inhaling and exhaling steadily, he at last told them, in clipped words, that he needed to finish the detention slips, a lie, and practically threw them out of the room. As soon as he closed the door behind them, his body sagged, and he found himself once more slouched on the floor in the wake of Lily's departure.

When his mind no longer seemed ready to burst, he got to his feet and moved to sit on the chair of the Heads' desk. More comfortable that way, James started making sense of what had just transpired.

It was obvious something happened between Snape and Lily, something recent, that involved Potions and some sort of competition between them. Rosier had mentioned spots and opportunities, and Snape a programme. It must be a Potions programme and the "he" that Lily referred to, who has apparently offered it to her, must be Slughorn. That was the only thing that made sense and, still, it made James' head hurt. He had never heard of it before. He had been going out with Lily for a few weeks now and she never mentioned anything, nor did anyone else around him. Did her friends know about it? Or maybe was it so recent that she hadn't really had the chance to tell anybody just yet?

Even as he hoped for the latter, he knew it must have at least happened before the weekend and, considering how Lily skipped all classes on Thursday and they didn't have Potions on Friday, it must have been somewhere Wednesday or before. Therefore, while they were still together.

His chest tightened at the realisation that she had just not told him. Something as big as this, a spot in a Potions programme, something of which she had always dreamed, and she didn't share with him. And, of course, he couldn't blame her. They haven't spent much of their time in the past weeks talking. But the reminder, once more, of how their communication skills lacked and how there was a clear shortage of openness between them made his shoulders drop even more down in the chair.

He had been so focussed on controlling himself, on holding himself back, he hadn't even tried to deepen their knowledge of each other, their bond. His best guess was that as he reeled back in to try and take it slow, he closed himself off to her and she most likely unconsciously did the same. He had cut off their time hooking up but didn't expand on the getting-to-know-each-other-better.

What a fucking wanker.

He sighed heavily as he considered the very next thing that was making a pulse pound on his temples.

You took time off of your weekend to tutor me. I really feel more confident now with the defensive spells you taught me.

Lily had tutored Nuur in Defence Against the Dark Arts the previous Saturday. The day after she broke up with him, the day after she had asked him if whatever he had with the girl was really over.

He couldn't understand how that even took place. Again, he had not heard once of a possible agreement between them, one in which Lily was supposed to help the Hufflepuff. Hell, he didn't even know the girl was struggling with the subject. But apparently they had scheduled to meet on Saturday for that and it did happen. Even after everything. He couldn't understand it. Did Nuur ask Lily for it after the trainwreck of the Macmillan situation or before? It didn't seem likely that it was after, they barely had time for anything the past few days. It made more sense for it to be something already agreed between them but, still, how could Lily go through with it? After the way she talked about the summer, it had seemed she somewhat resented the girl, which wouldn't be a stretch to imagine why. James couldn't stand even hearing Bones' name and he struggled for years to accept the fact that Snape was lucky enough to be friends with her. A mere friendship had been more than enough for James to be extremely jealous, because he couldn't enjoy the same relationship with her back then. He couldn't even begin to fathom how upset it would have made him if he learned that she had been frolicking around with someone else during summer while he was stuck somewhere only thinking of her.

His heart broke some more when his understanding of what she went through gained another layer. Of what she must have felt when she heard Macmillan talk about James' travels and hook-ups. If it had been the other way around, James would have been all up the wall.

And yet.

She still went ahead with helping the girl who had made her feel like she didn't matter to James, like she was just another one of his random flings, as Remus had correctly put it. She had put her feelings aside, instead of being reasonably irked and making herself distant, and tutored Nuur.

James let his head fall forward until it hit the desk in front of him with a thud.

Every single day that passed Lily managed to show him that no matter how highly he thought of her, she was better. She was kinder. More generous. His superior in every way.

It was clear as day that he didn't deserve her. She was too good for him.

The right thing to do was to go along with his resolve and stick to his safe routine, staying away from her and giving her the time she had asked for while simultaneously securing his own heart, doing his best to move on from her. That was the right thing to do because he had hurt someone as wonderful as her and it was obvious she didn't want to be close to him anymore, taking from her exchanging of rounds the day before with Charlotte Payne and her hasty escape from the Heads' office as soon as the meeting was over. He should leave her alone, he knew that.

And yet.

With his head glued to the table and his heart beating violently against his chest, James felt himself suffocate with love for her. His breath was once more shallow and his hands shook, this time not because he was hyperventilating, but because he realised he wasn't going to move on. He wasn't going to survive her. Not in a million years.

Nor did he want to.

Remus was, naturally, right. He wasn't letting her walk away without a fight.

He wasn't going to beg her. He wasn't going to try and convince her he hadn't been an astoundingly massive dickhead. He wasn't going to pressure her into getting back with him.

If she didn't want to be around him, she had every right. If she needed time for herself, he understood. If she didn't share his feelings, he would learn how to deal with it.

But, first, she deserved to know he loved her.

Pushing his head up, James reached for his school bag and retrieved a piece of parchment and a quill.


James walked swiftly to the Owlery in the early hours of the next morning. The sun was not yet ready to come out and everywhere around him was still dark as he scribbled a short note for Martin Zhao and William Fletcher, his Transfiguration tutees. When he saw Allegra flying off with his message to the lads, he made his way back to ground floor, settling on his usual place in the middle of the Gryffindor table and picking up the Daily Prophet to pass the time.

Remus joined him not long after, being the only one of the boys, besides James, that enjoyed waking up before seven o'clock.

- I thought you had tutoring now – his friend said, sipping on his tea.

- I cancelled it – James replied. To Remus' furrow of brows, he added – I'm waiting for Lily.

Remus just smiled, apparently pleased that James had listened to him. They ate in silence until Sirius and Peter showed up half an hour later. James poured himself another cup of coffee as his friends chatted idly around him, up to when Marlene and Elizabeth came right in and sat next to them. Instantly James noticed something was off. There was a very strange energy coming from Elizabeth and Sirius' interactions, one that Remus also noticed by the way he creased his forehead in a silent question to James.

In any other circumstance, James would have wanted to prod and figure out what was wrong, but at the moment, he didn't give a flying shit. At every single tick of the clock that brought them closer to the final period of breakfast time his hands got more clammed, his heart beat faster, his lungs struggled further for air. She would be walking in any second now and James couldn't work out if he wanted it to happen already or never at all.

He hadn't written much in his letter to her. Knowing him and the habitual length of the letters he sent his parents every other week, it would have impressed his mates to learn how succinct he had been. The reason for it was both because he hadn't known what to say and because he had so much to say he couldn't possibly fit it all in one letter. He had settled on just telling her his heart was hers and that it has always been.

Now that he sat in a torturous wait, he thought what he wrote was not enough. He should have been more explicit about his feelings. Maybe he should have apologised again for fucking up. He should, he thought deliriously as his head snapped up every time a person went past the large doors of the Great Hall, have sent his reasoning to hell and just shamelessly begged for her forgiveness. Because nothing else mattered. In that moment, James couldn't imagine nothing worse than she finally showing up and ignoring him, not having changed her mind one bit after his way-too-short letter.

As the lads and birds surrounding him changed the direction of their conversation to Quidditch, another thought assaulted James. Perhaps Lily didn't even read the letter. Seeing that it came from him, she might just as well have burned it on the spot, refusing to see what he had to say. That would have not been anything too strange to do since she was preferring to keep herself away from him the past days.

Before he could follow down deeper in this depressive train of thought a glimpse of red caught his attention in his peripheral vision. He snatched his head up and immediately locked eyes with her. As if he had been hit by a bludger, all the air inside his lungs was forcibly expelled in a huff with the sight of her.

She was so gorgeous with her unkempt red hair and freckled face. With her rosy lips and the way her green eyes never left his, coming closer without even blinking.

At the last minute she turned to her right and went around the table, stopping behind Peter by his side.

- Do you mind scooting over, Peter?

His friend looked like she had asked him to jump starkers in the lake mid-winter, but still moved away as per her request. She wasted no time to sit in the recently vacated spot, putting her legs on each side of the bench and staring straight forward at James. He could hear his heart beating loudly against his ribcage as they looked at each other in silence. When her hands raised to card through his hair, James' lips parted in surprise. He didn't have the time to wonder what that meant, though, because in the next beat she was kissing him.

His body didn't seem to need to know what was happening to react. The second their lips touched his mouth jumped into action, crushing hers as their chest flushed against each other when Lily moved closer to him. James tilted his head and added his tongue to the mix, urgently needing to taste her again. He had no idea what any of that meant but he was not going to miss a single opportunity to touch her as much as he could.

Before his tongue could swipe hers, Lily was drawing back. Her warm breath tingled his lips as she spoke to him.

- I'm sorry for being difficult – she whispered, and James forced his eyes open. - I still have a lot to figure out but I want to do that together with you.

He blinked, head swirling as it had tended to do the past few days. He could only stare back at her, panting lightly. She smiled at him, dropping her hands from his hair and taking his own, clasping them together as she turned around to the breakfast table.

His eyes were still pinned at her when he absently heard Marlene talking but he couldn't make out the words. Elizabeth said something afterwards – or was it Thompson? – but James still didn't hear anything. He leaned forward, wanting to get Lily's attention again.

- Lily, let's go somewhere to talk – he almost begged. He needed to be alone with her again. He needed to know where they stood. Did she forgive him? Were they back together? Was her heart also his? The questions were making his head spin out of control.

She twisted her neck slightly to his direction, speaking low.

- I can't, James. I've missed so many classes these past few days, I really need to focus on school again. Later, okay?

It made sense, he knew it. So he nodded, even though all he wanted was to kidnap her again and take her to another empty classroom to hear everything she had to say and tell her everything he should have done a long time ago. He wanted to hug her and kiss her and shout his love and make her come again, over and over.

But he waited. He spent the last minutes of breakfast with his hand fastened around hers, his eyes nowhere but on her, his lungs still gasping for oxygen. When it was time to go, mercifully brought to his attention by his friends since James had no perception of time anymore, they stood up and marched together to the dudgeons. Lily walked ahead with the girls in the corridors while Sirius fell behind to walk side by side with James.

- What happened? I thought she was avoiding you.

- She was – James replied, simply, still struggling to form coherent words.

- That makes no sense. What changed?

James blinked and finally looked away from Lily's swaying hips in front of him. He caught his friend's gaze.

- I wrote to her last night. After the Heads' meeting.

Sirius' eyebrows shot up.

- What did you say?

- Not much. Only that I understood if she needed time and that my heart was hers either way. To be honest, it wasn't my best letter – James sighed. – I could barely think straight. I still can't. I'm a fucking mess and I have no idea why she decided to give me another chance. I certainly don't deserve it.

Sirius was quiet for a beat after this, both of them following their friends in their way to Potions, eyes glued to the wonderful girl ahead of them who had stolen James' heart far too long ago.

- You deserve it, James – Sirius' reply came delayed and soft. – You're the best person I know. Even if you fucked up, you still deserve a second chance. You're so much more than a few mistakes you made because you were scared. It's obvious she can see it despite everything. And I'm really glad that it's not over between you. – His friend reached forward and briefly gripped James' shoulder in a rare show of affection. – You two are good together.

James' throat bobbed tightly for a moment. He had never seen Sirius talking like that, especially not when it concerned Lily. He knew his friend always had qualms with her, something with which James disagreed but could almost understand when he thought back of all the years they spent rowing with each other. When none of them could stand Lily's explosive personality and goody-two-shoes attitude, much less her close friendship with Snape. Yet, in time, James had learned to see her for what she really was, past the things that bothered him, somewhere in fourth year. When he realised she was more than just pretty, that she was more than just the smartest witch in his year. He had slowly been attracted to her magnetic forcefield while Sirius had been repelled. He had fallen in love with her without even noticing, but Sirius did. And his best friend hadn't like it one bit.

To see him now telling James they were good together and that he was glad Lily was giving him another chance meant more to James than he could express. So he just gripped Sirius' shoulder back, grinning widely at his friend, feeling his heart expand two sizes.

He stared ahead again, to see his beautiful girl quickly take a peek at him over her back. His mind had finally caught up, resting from the way it had been swirling non-stop since that horrible Wednesday night, and understood what had happened.

Lily came back to him.

And this time, he would never give her a reason to walk away again.