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Chapter 9

TRIS

I am running far, far away.

I am running as fast as my feet can take me.

I am running to no place in particular, but I know where I am running from.

I can't take it; I am going to lose my mind, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I try to hide and bury it away, but it finds me every time. It is a parasite that I cannot eradicate away.

My feet carry me to the water, pure Atlantic salt water where so many times my mother and I used to run. Some mornings, we would come to the beach and just run along the shore. It was amazing, letting the rhythmic ocean waves take beat to our running feet and our changing breaths. No other sounds existed. From chattering animals to magical street performers; they were not there.

Now, nothing leaves me.

A million sounds cram into my mind and I am constantly surrounded. It feels like I have been deaf my whole life, and now the burden has been lifted and all the noise is too much. I feel like I am suffocating.

I am trapped with nowhere to go and I cannot breath. No matter how much I try—how much I scream for air—I am never relieved. I feel like the world is crashing in on me and I want to scream. I want to cry for space, for help, for love. But I do not deserve it. I am surrounded and it's all caving in, but I am alone. Horribly, and terribly alone. Even though nothing leaves me, I feel so empty.

I look out and I wish I could run on the water and take myself away from this horrible life. How can every good memory I own exists in this city, my New York, yet all I want to do is leave. I haven't seen my father in a month and Caleb's been gone at states for football. No one cares, and no one knows. I can't tell them. What would they think? How can I tell my brother something he won't want to hear? But I have to believe that he will believe me. He has to.

But do I believe me? Did it really happen?

No. I can't think like that; it did happen. Shit. It did happen. How could I let this happen, and if anyone finds out I won't be able to handle everyone else. Their looks, their stares, their mocks, everything, it is bad enough I am small, but now I truly am weak. I want to believe I am strong and brave, sadly though, I can't help but feel like I live forever in fear. I feel sick.

No, I feel really sick, like I am going to... Ah, puke.

These past few weeks lately, I have been getting sick, and I cannot figure out just why. I am constantly hungry, but I do not feel like eating. Sometimes I feel like eating the strangest things, but I would rather not eat anything at all. What's wrong with me, I just want to scream and cry. I want my mom, I want my family; not this broken shit I have now. I don't know what to do, and it terrifies me so much.

I am on the pier now, standing above the crashing waves. It is so free, the water. It can move and flow where it pleases. It can be calm and tranquil, but it can be monstrous and unpredictable. It cannot be controlled, and part of me loves it. And part of me fears it.

I don't know what comes of me, but I bend and jump into the water. I love the drop, those moments where I am weightless and free. Then descending down, bringing a huge rush as my stomach churns. My moments are short lived, and I break the barrier into the flowing waters. At first, I am one with the water; bending as it turns and breathing air as it breaks. But suddenly I find myself fighting it for control, and I am losing. I fight for air, for the surface. I am not strong enough, but I have to be; I have to believe that.

I am beginning to lose hope; sometimes succeeding is to give into what you fear. But am I willing to do that? I don't want to. What would happen if I just disappeared? Left this miserable world for a new. Mom, I love you, but I just can't give in, not yet. Not without a fight.

Then, like an angel coming to save me. A pair of arms wrap around me and carries me away...

I wake up, gasping for air. I look around and find myself in my room. The plain walls with night stricken windows make the room look boring and sad, but the different pictures around the room bring it life. There are not that many, but that makes the few pictures that are there even more special. They are of my family, before it broke into a million unfixable pieces. My favorite is one of my mother and me at a Sunday brunch in June; everything is perfect in that 8X6 frame. My eyes linger on my mirror, with its different, varying in size pictures along the perimeter. One of which is Rose, just a few hours old. I get taken back to my dream.

Part of me is relieved because it was just a dream, but it wasn't just that. It was real, a memory. My nightmares sometimes are things my imagination comes up with to torture myself. Mostly though, they are my memories. They haunt me every night and day.

As I was slowly losing myself more in more in that water, a lifeguard came to save me. He grabbed me out of the water and he saved me. Did I want him to save me, though? As we crawled back to shore, the world around me became more and more in focus. And I knew him, the lifeguard. It was Robert. He and Caleb were pretty close friends, especially because Caleb liked Susan, Robert's sister. But when Caleb got more popular with his rising sports and lost the interest in school he used to have, his friendships changed and the clichés he was in shuffled.

Robert and Susan were my friends too, but we did not see them much after their parent's divorce. Their mom stayed in New York, but their dad moved across the country. They split time between their parents and I never saw them much, especially when their mom moved across town. And it was usually the four of us, but with Caleb gone, it kind of fell apart. I was and still am one to stay to myself, so it was not meant to be.

But that day, he grabbed me out of the water. He was shocked to see me, but managed to stay polite and nice. We talked for only a moment before I found a way to walk away. After it happened, I found no reason to be around people. It just brought myself down, and I've never really figured out why. I ran and ran till my feet couldn't carry me anymore, but it was more that I felt this horrible pain which was what made me stop. As much as I wanted to deny it, I couldn't. I went to the store and got it, just to prove myself wrong, and made my way home.

That day—that night, actually—was when that little plastic stick changed my life. I waited till I knew no one would be home. No housekeeper, nor unexpected family coming home. I locked myself in the bathroom and waited as my fate was decided from a little pink marking. I don't know how to describe how I felt, I just remember going numb and lifeless. A million things went through my mind, but it went straight out as fast as they came in. But a baby? A child? I couldn't think about it. A life was growing inside me; a life that was a mistake. No, not a mistake, a horrible act of violence and brute viciousness.

But I couldn't abort, no. My mother was prolife and I agree with her one hundred percent. Even if I didn't want to during that time, I had to stay strong. How could I go against something both my mother and I agreed on? What kind of person would I be? I couldn't grow any more weak than I already was. I couldn't break my morals when things got hard. I couldn't break a promise my mother and I agreed on. I just couldn't, not to her.

Right there, in that small bathroom, I made a decision that would bring me so much trouble and so much relief. I would be ridiculed every day, pregnant or not. But seeing her that first time, it made it worth it, I guess. She didn't have his snake eyes, she had my father's warm eyes; the eyes I haven't seen in years. Her...

BEEP BEEP BEEP

My alarm goes off. Normally I get up early in the morning for workouts, but I find that going in the evening is more probable. Less people are there on a Saturday night. But Tori is having me work at 21U starting next week and I need to train this weekend so I am ready to get started Monday. I get out of bed and slowly get ready for a day of work. I don't think it is too bad of an idea, but not for the same reasons as Tori. I can use the work as a means of distraction and an excuse for 'going out'. Tori is constantly telling me to get out, but this will be enough hopefully.

I walk into 21U, and there are not very many people here. Good. Christina is behind the counter preparing a smoothie for a customer. I timidly make my way to the back, half wanting to turn around and go back home. But Christina meets my eyes and it's too late.

"Hey! I wasn't expecting you for another 45 minutes."

"Yeah, I guess I am an early bird. Kind of hard to kick the habit. You don't mind that I am here early, I guess that if we start earlier, I can get out of here earlier."

"You don't want to do that, later is when more people come and then it is so much fun."

"I uh, have something to do later, so-"

"Wait, you are doing something later? Where? With who? Come on, tell me."

"It's a date with the gym."

"Sounds boring. You should go out with me sometime. I would be more than happy to take you under my wing. I think you would have a lot of fun, and you look like you need some fun."

"I'm perfectly content with the way I am."

"Content. That doesn't sound too convincing or happy."

"Happy is a..."

"Thing that everyone should feel, and if you aren't happy, then trying to have fun is good enough," she says. "There is a party next weekend, at least consider coming with me."

I ponder, maybe if I agree to consider it, she'll drop it. "Okay, I'll think about it."

"Great! Now, about this smoothie." She finishes it up and gives it to the girl waiting. She takes me to the back and begins to explain things to me, and I already know some of it from coming over the years. I do learn about a few new things, and Christina does make it somewhat enjoyable. I like her, and she is nice to me. She seems like someone to be a friend, she has told me enough times.

I don't want a pity party, and I feel like she might treat me that way. But then again, she doesn't do that, or at least she seems to not do that. The way she looks me dead in the eyes, she sees me as a friend. And it looks like we will be spending a lot of time together here, so maybe I am willing to make it worth more.


Author's Note

I originally did not plan for this chapter, but with some help from a certain person (you know who you are) I squeezed this little thing in spur of the moment. I wanted something that was more her friendship with Christina, but like I said it was spur of the moment so it may seemed rushed. So, I hope you all enjoyed it and get ready to grab those tissues because I went into a "dream-writing-frenzy" and wrote another flashback/dream that is a little bit of a tear jerker. Soon to come! Please review!

Be brave, everyone!