I don't own anything, just my ideas!

Chapter 19

TOBIAS

I wear a mask every day, trying to be a better person than I feel inside. I wear a cape, thinking I can shield my back from others. But there is more to being a superhero than the flashy tights. I try to be a superhero every day, so today isn't very hard.

Superhero Day. That is what today's theme is for spirit week. Yesterday was 'Merica Monday and the halls were lined with red, white, and blue. Today, though, is superhero day and I am actually really excited about it. I stride down the hallway wearing the superman t-shirt I got at the thrift store with Zeke on Sunday. I hope she notices it, because I got it for her. For the longest time, I've tried to appear to be the strong one; someone who isn't afraid. But she is helping me see that it's okay to have that kryptonite.

I, along with a few guys from the team, walk into the cafeteria. I see Tris standing in front of her masterpiece of curved lines and swarming colors. Today is the day that the students finish the mural she has spent the past few weeks on, and I must say, it looks better than I imagined. Even if it isn't done.

She stands in the front of the crowd, and I want to go up to her and be next to her. The stiffness in her shoulders, and the tightness in her muscles shows how uncomfortable she must be. Others might not see it, but I've trained myself to notice her and read her as best I can. Tris has spent so much time hiding every part of herself away, and she has gotten very good at it. But so have I. I read the parts of her that I've caught myself doing, and it feels weird, but comforting at the same time.

I purposely make my group go towards the end, because I want to be the last person to finish this mural with her. And maybe I can manage to squeeze a few minutes alone with her. In my group is a bunch of guys from the football team, including Zeke, Will, Uriah, and a few others on the team.

The dense crowd becomes smaller, as the bird plastered to the wall gains its prowess feathers, one at a time. Our group gets the red paint on our hands and we find the place to make our feather. I can feel her walking up to us before I see her come.

"You guys ready?" She says timidly.

"Let's do this. I want our feather to be the biggest!" Uriah exclaims.

"Alright," Tris says, "here is your guys' line. Do what you wish, just make sure you stay on the line and...? You know, make it look like a feather." Before she can walk to another group, I nudge her with my elbow.

"Don't worry, I'll watch them." She gives me a coy smile and continues down the row of people. We make our feather and go to wash our hands. I wave the guys ahead of me, and I go to see Tris. Almost all of the students have finished and she is cleaning up the paint.

"Don't tell me you're cleaning this up by yourself?" I ask her.

"No, I had some help, but school's over and people have places to be, including you. I'm waving everyone off so they can get to where they need to be."

"I want to be here, helping you."

"Look at you, Superman."

"I was hoping you'd notice."

"I would've noticed more if you'd gone all out and worn a cape." She says with a smile spreading across her lips. I love that she can be this way, especially with how her past has affected her the way it has. She can try to be happy, and I hope I have something to do with it.

I saw her kindling fire burn low this weekend when she talked about her brother. I want to ask her what really happened, but I know not to. That question is one that is sacred and buried down so deep she will have to dig tooth and nail to get it out... If she even wants to get it out.

"Sorry to disappoint, but Zeke took my cape back in middle school... And he's wearing it today if you didn't notice."

"Oh, I saw."

"What about you?"

"Me?... I've got a t-shirt, but it's cold in here and I don't want paint getting on it." She says as she points to her smock covering her from her neck down to her knees.

"What shirt?"

"I borrowed it from Tori. She's a Thor fan and well..." She unbuttons the smock and underneath is a Thor t-shirt that is a little big on her.

"Looks good." I laugh.

"Don't make fun of me. I don't have to have school spirit." She says as she pulls the smock back on.

"No, I'm glad you're showing some spirit." I say as we finish cleaning up. We take the extra supplies to the closet next to the cafeteria and I realize I need to go. But I don't want to.

"You should go," she tells me, "I don't want you getting in trouble for being late."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"I do sometimes."

"Well, you shouldn't. The worst I'll have to do is run extra laps, which I do anyway. It's not like they're going to bench me."

"That would be unfortunate because then you would lose and that means the deal is off."

"I was hoping you would still come even if... But we won't lose."

"Sounding cocky again?"

"Not cocky, confident."

"Okay, Tobias. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." And she walks away, and I feel her taking a part of me with her.


We walk into music class and we are greeted with a large poster that is flipped so its back is facing us. Ms. Reyes is normally always in a good mood, but today she is buzzing with extra excitement. She flutters on her toes as she shuffles around the room with a large envelope in her hands. Everyone takes their seats as the final bell sends its ring ripping through the air. When things in class settle down, Ms. Reyes begins to speak.

"Class, I have some big news. We have been nominated to go to New York City for a music festival!" The class bursts into a tsunami of noise and excitement. But everyone can agree on one thing, we want to go. I turn to face Tris and her face is pale, and she isn't moving. I can't imagine why she wouldn't be happy about the news.

"You all should know that this did not come from nowhere. We have been recognized due to our tradition." I smile inwardly. This 'tradition' that we've started began my freshman year when Ms. Reyes and I decided to start it. Every holiday season, we learn a bunch of carols and we go around to nursery homes and sing to the elderly. It's small, but it means the world those lonely old people.

"Now, I want to take a vote and see if the majority wants to go. It is a big decision to do this." Half the class nearly jumps out of their seats, reassuring her that we want to go.

"Alright, I thought I would get this reaction." Our teacher says, trying to calm the class down. "There are a few things you should know. The festival is holiday themed, and we will have to prepare a few things to do for the festival, but I don't see that being a problem. Since we brought this up today, I want you all to start brainstorming for this trip, since we only have so much time till it's here. I have some form I need you all to fill out, as well.

One more thing, talk to your parents. We'll need chaperones." She begins passing packets around as the class breaks up and begins blabbering about the news. I look over to Tris, and it looks like she is going to be sick.

"Tris, are you okay?" I ask.

"I... I..." Is all she says. She can barely move. I reach for her hands and take them both in my own. I try to shake the life back into her, but she seems in a different place.

"Tris... Tris, talk to me." Her eyes snap back, but not all the way. Her face's color begins to flood back, slowly. I feel her hands squeeze my own, and I know she's coming back.

"Sorry," she mumbles, "I think I need some water." I take her arm in my own and walk her to the fountain. She doesn't say anything more, and when the bell rings, she disappears. I don't see her again for the rest of the day.


TRIS

New York? My New York?! Of all the places... I feel like screaming, or crying, or just exploding. I don't know how to feel, so all I feel is numb. I don't remember what happens the rest of the day, all I remember is being in the kitchen at home with Tori.

"Tori, I can't do it; I just can't."

"Don't turn this down because you're afraid."

"... I'm not afraid." I say uneasy.

"Then why won't you go? Why can't you face it?"

"Why are you so upset about it?"

"Because... because it's not all about you. Did you think about that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Tris, do you know the last time I saw her? The last time I got to talk to her? I haven't been to her grave since her funeral, and you can't imagine the emptiness I feel in my heart. If you go on this trip, I can chaperone and we can both go there. We can both see her."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"You can, and you want to know why?" I shrug, too empty to know what to feel.

"Because," she continues, "you aren't alone, and you're never alone. You have me and, whether you'll admit it or not, you have friends that care about you, too."

"After everything... I left her, I wasn't strong enough and I left her all alone in the cold ground. And I know dad doesn't see her and Caleb doesn't even think of her." My eyes begin to sting, and I have to fight the eruption I feel building inside me. Tori is silent for a moment, before continuing in a soft voice.

"You know that isn't true."

"What isn't true?"

"Your brother and father always have and always will love your mother... we all will."

"That's a lie, and you know it. They don't care about her. If Caleb cared, he wouldn't have abandoned me when I needed him most. He wouldn't have gone to the one school we swore we wouldn't. If dad cared, he wouldn't have been gone all the time. He wouldn't have sent me to that horrible place... that horr- " I can't finish, because I've broken down into a mess on the floor. Tori comes up next to me, and wraps her arms around my shaking body.

I can't control the tears streaming down my face. I don't remember the last time I've said it all out loud like this. Whenever I've felt myself breaking inside, I've poured it onto paper, or I've let in build inside me. But now I've been cracked, and everything is pouring out. I feel so vulnerable, and that makes me uneasy, but it's nice to have someone here next to me who cares.

Tori brings her mouth to my ear, "We may never know what they were thinking or what they're thinking now. You don't have to try to understand why they do the things they do."

"They do them because they don't care and never will!"

"TRIS! Stop saying that because you can't believe that; I won't let you. Yes, your family was torn apart and your brother and father did some unforgivable things to you, but you can't let that get the better of you."

"And how do I do that?" Tori doesn't say anything, probably because she wants to find the right way to say it.

"When's the last time you saw her? Don't you want to see her? You can tell her all about your new home and your friends..."

"Friends?" I say, and I know I'm about to get scolded.

"Don't play that. Whether you think it or not, she's looking out for you and you need to go to her again. You said it yourself, she's all alone. You need to see her... I... I need to see her, too." Now it's her time to cry. We've never talked about it, let alone cried about it. We sit on the ground and let everything we've held in for so long, pour out.

"She was my best friend, and I'm afraid..." She trails off, unable to finish.

"What are you afraid of?" I ask, and she takes a deep breathe.

"She's dead, and all I have left of her is the voice in my head, and I'm afraid that voice will fade away and I won't be able to hear it."

"That will never happen." I say half-heartedly because I've thought the same thing myself. "Whenever I'm afraid I'll forget, I draw her. Seeing her on the page laughing... Well, I can hear her laugh."

"Does that work?"

"It's worked enough for this long." A silence falls on us. We're both used to the silence. For me, it's been a part of me that I accepted a long time ago. Silence is a part of being alone. For Tori, the silence has been bestowed on her. Her best friend was ripped away, and now we have the chance to go back, but am I ready?

"Do you really think I'm ready? I mean it."

"I do. You may not see it, but I can. The trip isn't for a while, a lot can change in that time..."

"Things could get worse."

"You can't believe that."

"...No, I can't. But it still rings in the back of my mind." I think of my scars hidden under the heavy sweatshirt I wear. I don't think of just those, though. I have mental scars, too. Scars that were created around this time only so long ago. Scars that remind me of betrayal and those horrible days sitting under a microscope. The place that my father sent me to; one I didn't want to go to. The needle marks still spot my skin.

"If I go back, I'll be faced with all the bad memories..."

"And the good ones. You can make new good memories, too."

I sigh. "I tried so hard to run out of that city as fast as I could, now it's pulling me back in."

"Does that mean you'll go?"

"At the moment... maybe. I need to think about it."

"But, you'll go..."

"We'll see." But my mind is already made up.


Author's Note

I want to thank all the people who have said such nice things and who've been patient with me. My surgery went well, even though the pain was really bad. (But that is what drugs are for! Doctor proscribed, of course.) Also, to the guest reviewer who asked if I lived in Ohio... the answer is yes. This did not affect my decision to have Caleb go to Michigan, that was chosen by you all. I put up a poll on my profile that asked which school should Caleb and Peter go to, and Michigan won. There is another one up right now and it would be nice you know the majority's opinion on it! Please vote and review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). I told you, it's a long story. / I'd like to hear it. / I don't like to tell it. –Trouble with the Curve, movie

There is one (television show) quote in this chapter.