I do not own anything, just my ideas.
Chapter 26
TRIS
Thursday
I can recall many moments when I have been overwhelmed with feelings and emotions. They can rush in and out of me like a tidal wave breaking on the beach and retreating back to the ocean.
I can remember feeling pure anger, a diminishing way of living, not caring who or what gets hurt because the red blinds my normally clear eyes. I can remember grief, threatening to break me into a million pieces. Changing every part of me until I am nothing but a walking dead. I can remember unexplainable joy, filling every ounce of my body with the hope a child has on cold December nights.
There are only a few times when I don't feel. When everything around me is too to handle, and my emotions shut down. Numb. I feel nothing, only a numbness that can not be explained, but only told in the actions.
So when the bright lights and big city comes into view, my stomach tightens and my breathing changes.
So many times, as a child, I walked these streets during this time of year. Light snow descended down to the ridged city, becoming one with the slush on the side walk. The pure white melted instantly on my red cheeks. Everywhere you would look, changing lights sparked life. Whether the lights blinked with mixing colors, or they were pale and bright; they added their part to the bright light that's the city.
I walked these streets with my family, soaking in the holiday feeling pouring out all around us. I've been to this festival before. I have watched dancers take the stage and make it their own, singers personalize a song like it is their own, and large groups turn transform the night air into melodies of music.
The festival will last three days, and every evening we will perform. We will tour the city during the day, with rehearsals scattered throughout. I just don't want to see anyone I know; actually, I don't want to see anyone who knows me. When you accuse the star football player of rape, and you are the laughing stock, people don't forget your name.
"We are here ahead of schedule, so you all have a few hours to kill. The festival doesn't officially start until tomorrow. You may tour around the city, or go straight to the hotel, like me." Ms. Reyes tells the group as we unload from the bus.
Different groups begin to instantly form. Some want to go to Time Square, others to Broadway. While the others make their way through the winding city, I stay back. My hand is still in Tobias', and he stays with me.
"Are you okay?" He ask.
Some part of me, I don't know where it comes from, tells him, "I want to take you somewhere. A place that I want... I need to go to, and I don't want to go alone."
He pulls me into a hug. "Okay, I won't ever let you be alone."
We walk down the ridged sidewalk, every step feels... familiar. Like it is from a dream, or a dream of a dream. It's been so long since I have treaded along this path. I don't have to think about the way to this place, it is engraved into my like the scars that line on my skin. Eventually, we get to our destination.
I don't know why I feel so obligated to come here. I said my goodbyes back in the summer. I should be fine with never walking down this path ever again, but I am here and I think I am strong enough to come. And I want to show Tobias a place that once meant a lot to me, but also the same place that holds countless nightmares.
"This," I say, pointing at the dark house; I knew it would be dark, "is my old house."
"Is it empty?"
"I wouldn't be surprised. My dad is probably out of town on business."
"On the holidays?"
"Work is a means of distraction for him, or at least that is what I've concluded. I've been alone enough times in that house to come up with a decent excuse. He probably couldn't stand being the only one with the troubled child, especially when the star child was away at college."
"Is that where he is, your brother, at college?"
"No." I say looking down, "I don't know where Caleb is, but it wouldn't surprise me if... if he were with... his, his best friend."
"Sounds like you're not a fan."
"No. I hate him... both of them."
"So nobody's home?"
"It's not a home, it's a house. A building with four walls, some bathrooms down the halls, and rooms lining the perimeter; a shelter to survive. Yet I still drowned in it. That place lost the title Home a long time ago."
"My house lost it's term of home when my mom died."
I don't look at him, only the brick structure in front of me. A part of me is threatening to throw up, literally and figuratively, right in front of him. Normally, I suppress that feeling, bury it down deep inside me so it won't come out. But I feel him holding my hand, connecting us. He is my brick wall, my shelter for survival. He is my home.
"Tobias," I say, my eyes stinging with the memories, "this place, it's... I was..."
I feel the weight crashing down on me, breaking me just when I thought I was strong enough. I collapse in his arms, him being the only thing that is holding me up. I point up to the dark window, the one I looked out for years.
"There, in that room... I was raped." A hiccup, something between a sob and a scream escapes my lips, accompanied with a stream of tears.
"Shh, shh. It's okay, I'm right here." His voice is gentle, but his grip is tight and strong.
"That's not all of it." I say through sobs, "There are a few things you don't know."
"Come on, let's go for a walk. There's a park right there, we can talk there."
He partly carries me to the park that is a mere block away. I know that place very well. Once we find a vacant place, we sit on some park benches.
"I haven't been completely honest with you about that night." I can see the worry in his face. "You have to promise you won't be mad."
"I promise. There is nothing you can say that will drive me away."
I take a deep breath, "It was a Friday night, cold, but manageable. It was after a football game, my brother and his best friend, Peter, were the team's captains. There was a party at our house. While Caleb and Peter were seniors, I was only a freshman. Late that night..."
I can't speak anymore because my sobs have made my words into another language. I am gasping for air my lungs are not receiving. I hate how upset I am getting over all this. I should be fine, I've moved on right? Right?! Then why do I feel myself breaking with every breath I take in.
"He... Peter, he was the one. He came into my room and raped me. My brother's best friend raped me." I can feel the anger come off Tobias as every word comes out. Me, all I feel is breaking. I feel my insides break as every word comes out, because those words have never escaped my lips like this before. "And the worst part was, no one believed me. Not even my god damn brother. Caleb believe his friend, over his own sister!"
"Oh, shit. Tris..."
"I don't know how to make myself better. I don't know why I felt like I needed to come here. I just don't know anything right now."
He lifts my head so I am forced to look at him. "What about us? Aren't you pretty sure about us?"
"I guess." I say, my voice calming, "I know I care about you so much, and I know you're always there for me. I know that when I'm with you, things can be good."
"I know they are good. Because there are always going to be bad things that happen. It's about catching the good stuff that happen in between."
I don't say anything. I try to do that, I think. I have him and Christina and all our friends, yet I still remember my old friends who hurt me. It's hard to see the good when it is drowned in bad. Tobias must notice the silence has fallen on me.
"There are man eating sharks in every ocean, but we still swim. Every second, somewhere in the world, lightning strikes, but we still play in the rain. A car can crash, a house can crumble, but we still drive and love coming home. Deep down we know: All the bad things that can happen in life... They can't stop us from making our lives good."
"... Our hearts can break, but we still keep them open." Slightly cracked open, just enough to let a few special people in. I move more in his embrace and we sit there for a long time. I think I somehow fall asleep in his warm arms; he shakes me awake.
"We still have time before we have to meet the others. Is there anywhere you want to go?"
"Actually, yes, there is."
"Then, let's go."
"Before we go, I need to make a call. There's someone else who deserves to be there too."
Tori, Tobias, and I slowly make our way to the cold, lonely stone. Normally the sounds of the city are not blocked; you can hear them from everywhere. But inside these iron gates, there is only silence, except for the purity of nature. A squirrel's feet scamping up a tree, a bird singing to the world around it, the wind running its cold arms through the nearly leafless trees.
The freshly fallen snow has given her a blanket to rest under. Nothing lays next to her, no flowers or sign of love and remembrance. I can see her tomb stone, even from a distance. With each step closer to her, my stomach gets tighter and tighter.
"Wait, I... I"
"Are you okay?" Tobias ask.
"I can't go up there... I don't know what to say. I mean I have a thousands word I've been holding in for her, but I don't know how to tell her."
"Then turn it into music."
"But there's no music here." But there is, in the wind, through the birds, from the squirrels.
"Make it."
"How do I do that? I don't see a piano here."
"... Sing."
"I... I can't do that."
"Yes you can. You have a beautiful voice, and you told me yourself, you love to make music... Go ahead, I know there are thousands of songs you want to sing to her." He's right.
I tread up to her grave, alone, and I am right in front of piece of concrete that reads Natalie Prior. I place the roses that are in my hands down on her resting place, the scarlet standing out against the white and grey background. I focus the rest of the world out. No one else is here, just my mother and I.
She walks to school with the lunch she packed
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Wearing the burden of secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete Angel
Her death was so hard. The day she died, a part of me died too. That was when I began to stay to myself, and when my family began to fall apart. I wanted to be strong enough for her; she's my concrete angel.
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete Angel
When Peter raped me, it really changed my life. I was on my own, I didn't want to live, yet I still did it... Kind of. It was almost too late some of the time. Sometimes is was too late.
A statue stands in shaded place
An angel girl with a upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete Angel
Now I stand here, tears stream down my face. The last few parts are barely audible. I know I am the only one who has been here since, well, since the beginning of the summer when I said my goodbyes. They have forgotten her, but I never will. I know she is always watching me, and there is nothing in this world that I want more than being in her arms again.
I know at some point Tobias and Tori came up next to me. "Umm, would you guys mind if I have a few minutes alone?" I ask
"Not at all," Tori says, "take your time." They both walk away down a path, and it is my mother and I alone together, again. It's always been this way since the day she took her last breath. Her and I against the world.
"Hi mom. It's been a while, hasn't it? A lot has happened since the last time I've been here, but you already know that. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye when I left for Chicago; when I got home from Camp, I was rushed straight there. And I haven't had a drink in months, you'd be so proud of me, mom.
"Your granddaughter, she's doing well, or that's what I assume. She's better off with someone else; she deserves a good home with parents that love her. I love her, too-she's my daughter, after all. And that is why I let her grow up in another woman's arms. It wouldn't be fair for her or myself.
"I met someone, someone that I really care about, and his name is Tobias. I think you would really like him. He's just like me, and he isn't at the same time, but that is what makes it work. I might love him, but I'm not sure. I'm afraid of loving him, actually. I'm afraid of trusting him, anyone, with that part of me, something as personal and sacred as my devotion.
"But I'm happy, and I never thought I would say that. I am living like you wanted me to live, with those who care about me. I'm happy, but I'm not completely content. There is a part of me that knows I won't get closer until I face Peter for what he did. But it's not just Peter. I want to be able to face Caleb and dad. Maybe someday I will, but I'd be lying if I said that day is today. And I would never lie to you."
I hear footsteps behind me. I look back and see Tobias walking up. He crouches down and sits down next to me.
"Tobias, this is my mom, Natalie. Mom, this is my boyfriend Tobias."
"Hello, Natalie. It is very nice to finally meet you. You have an amazing daughter that you would be so incredibly proud of. She means so much to me, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her."
"I told you that you would like him."
"You're talking about me?"
"Yes. You are my boyfriend, someone I care about. Someone like you has never been in my life before, and I want to share with my mom that I'm happy, happier than I was."
"You don't have to have it together all of the time."
I sigh. "She taught me to walk, taught me to smile, and taught me to laugh. It's hard to do those things without her. I loved her before I knew what love was."
"You can show her you love her by still laughing, still smiling, and still walking."
"Hey guys," Tori says, "Can I have a little time with her?"
"Sure, go ahead." He says.
"Yeah," I add on, "we're done. We can start walking to the hotel."
"Alright. I'll meet you there soon enough." Tori says, her voice almost breaking.
Friday
The festival is different than what I remember, but I guess that is what happens. When you're away from something for long, it slowly changes over time. And after a long enough time, that change is evident. The last time I went to the festival, it was the last Christmas with my whole family. Whole.
The festival used to be more professional, more strict. But now it is more of a party; no, a celebration. A celebration of life, family, friends. Everything we care about and are thankful for.
Each one of us has a specific part in the festival that is our own. I don't want to do that much in the spotlight, I mostly play accompaniment on the piano, but I do have my one solo. Because my voice is low for being a girl, I fit the part perfectly.
I stand up from the bench in front of the piano, and I walk over to the microphone. Ms. Reyes takes over on the piano and begins to play, and my classmates begin the background, underlying harmonies. I wasn't asked to do this song, I asked myself to sing it, because I knew I would be the only one who could do it justice.
I am frightened, by the load I bare
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Help me be strong
The haunting, yet beautiful song hums through the air, changing the mood for only five minutes. It reminds me of the old festival, and that is comforting. I feel like I am a little girl, holding my hot chocolate, watching the performances. Caleb was always taller than me, and I've always been small, so he would let me stand on his shoulders to see better.
Breathe of Heaven hold me together
Be forever near to me
I feel a punch in my gut. That memory. All I have left of those times are the memories associated with it. And the drawings I have made to show myself that they were real. That it all was. Because pencil lead on paper, a drawing, is set in stone. It doesn't let time slowly sand away the edges till they are completely changed into something different.
Soon, the song ends, and my singing part of the festival is over. Now the piano is all mine for the remainder.
Tonight, we were one of the first groups to perform, so we have the rest of the time to roam around and listen to the other groups perform. We have to be back for the night's finale, but that won't be for a while. And after the finale, there is a fancy dinner for all the festival participants. Tobias and I separate ourselves from the rest of the group. We get some hot chocolate and slowly make our way around the strip.
Eventually, he somehow convinces me to go ice-skating.
I'm nervous at first because it has been years since I went ice-skating, and even when I did do it, I was so clumsy I fell nearly every minute. But his strong grip on me kindles the fear inside of me. The funny thing is, he falls more time than I do.
As we make circles around the rink, I hold onto him for support. Some of the time when I slip, I grab onto him for balance and that sends him down with gravity. We are able to laugh it off, and he pulls me down with him a few times when he falls. Being a Friday night, the rink's crowd has formed and there are more people with the passing time.
"I wish it weren't just an ice rink. I wish it was a river, a river we could skate away on." I say.
"What?"
"I wish it would be a river so long, and I could teach my feet to fly. We could fly away to our own world, just the two of us."
He leans down, and when he kisses me, the cold winter night's air is forgotten because all I can feel is his warmth wrapping around me. It is perfect. He is perfect. But all good things must come to an end, don't they? No, stop that. You can't think like that. Especially when he looks at you like that, like there is no one else worth looking at.
What if I am in love with him? What does that mean; what makes someone love another person? Is it default? You chose someone who is like you and you're... stuck with them? That doesn't sound right. True love means more than just being with someone. It's about who you become when you're with them, and who they become when he's with you; someone better.
In my life, I've only seen true love every so often. I've seen it in my parents; they were in love. I saw it in the way my father held my mother, and the way they would look at each other. When the other was around, my parents were better versions of themselves. They wanted to be the better person for the other. And that love transcended down to Caleb and I, but only for those first few years.
It was all about the simple things. My father reading to me before bed, and when he was done, he would check to make sure the monsters under my bed were gone. He scared them away, protecting me. My mom would spend afternoons with me, and we would have our easels next to each other, and she would always have good things to say about my work.
But here I am, facing another person I think I love. He is the only one who knows my secret, and he does not treat me like I am weak. He insists on my strength. He helps me see things I do not see on my own. And he says he wants to be a better person with me around. We can help each other rings through my mind, and we have helped each other.
After ice-skating, we walk back to the festival for the Friday Night Finale. As soon as it is done, everyone walks back to the hotel. Christina, who is my roommate, grabs my arm and rushes me to our room.
"Christina?!" I say to her.
"What? We are going to a fancy dinner, where you are going to wear that." She says as she points to the dress hanging on the hook. "And we don't have much time to get ready. Since you didn't go to Homecoming, this is the next best thing."
"But you already did my hair and make-up that day."
"And you loved it, didn't you?"
"... Yes." I sigh. She begins to set up a make-up/hair station at the desk in the corner, and she tells me to get a shower. Minutes later, I am in a t-shirt and leggings, Christina making her way through my hair. Since there isn't a lot of time to get ready, she doesn't do anything too flashy.
Soon enough, we are walking down to the hotel's ballroom where the dinner will be. Christina wears a bright red dress, her hair in a soft up-due. She left my hair straight, but the ends curl slightly, and I have braid pulling the front pieces back. I wear my almost-Homecoming dress, the silver, grey, and black one. Christina was right, I was going to wear it one day; I just didn't know that day would come so fast.
As soon as we walk in, I am overwhelmed by the amazing smell of rich foods. I can feel my mouth beginning to water as we walk to our designated table. Our friends are already there, and I lock eyes with Tobias. He looks like he is in the middle of a conversation, but he excuses himself from it to walk over to me.
"Wow, you look amazing." He says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"Thanks, it's my almost-Homecoming dress." Then we kiss, full on the mouth.
"Ewww, you two... Get a room!" I hear someone say accompanied by laughter.
He reaches his hand out, "Come on, let's go somewhere."
I give him a questionable look.
"It's stuffy in here. Don't you want to get out and go somewhere else?" Yes. He leads me out of the ballroom, and we grab our hats, gloves, and jackets. He leads me out the hotel and down the street. We walk and walk, and soon my shifting feet slightly warm my body from the frigid air.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"I bet you can guess."
"Hmm... A park?"
"Yeah, it's kind of our thing. And we have to go to the park of all parks."
"Central Park?"
"Is that okay?"
"It is." The walk would seem long, except I have him next to me. I don't notice the minutes ticking away, only the blocks we walk. A corner tourist shop here, a coffee cafe there. The little things that add to the city's character and charm.
I begin to see the park in my view, and we slowly pick up our pace till our surroundings change from concrete buildings to plush greenery.
"I have to admit," he says, "I have an alternative motive to taking you away."
"Oh?"
"You don't need to be afraid."
"I'm not afraid, especially of you."
"I don't scare you?"
"You scare me, but I'm not afraid of you."
"Is there a difference?"
"You can frighten me and throw me off guard, but I trust you."
"I trust you, too. Before I met you, I wasn't living; I was existing. There's a difference."
"And now?"
"Now, I'm living, but it's a little better. I'm not just living, I'm loving." He says, and at first I don't catch it. It only takes looking at him to confirm what I thought my ears heard. Loving? He said loving.
"Tris, I'd say I'm falling in love with you, but that is a lie." What?
He sees me in a bit of distress and continues, "It would be a lie because I am already in love with you... Tris, I love you."
He loves me? He loves me! But do I love him? "I... I'm falling in love with you. Or at least that is what I think it is."
"I know it is. And don't ever think differently. I love you, and I've been in love with you; I've just been afraid to tell you."
"Afraid?"
"More scared. I know you have a hard past, and I didn't want to scare you away. You're the best thing that has happened to me, and I can't imagine losing you."
"I've never really fallen in love like this. I've never gone with the wind, just let it flow. Now, I'm running with it."
"And I'm running with you. Whatever it takes, I'll always be there for you. I'll find the places that you hide. I'll be the dawn at your worst night. I'll be your family now."
I crush into him, wrapping my arms around him. "I love you."
"I love you, too." And when he kisses me, I can feel that love, shoving away the cold winter night and it is only us.
Saturday
Our group roams through the streets until Christina stops us and says that we have arrived. The house in front of me is nothing like my own, and I am a little happy about it. Another home. Another home that is not like mine.
We walk into the house and are welcomed by the warmth. Not only the kind of warmth you'd get from a fire, but the smells and the sounds. A soft glow shines on the deep red walls. The mixture of cinnamon and evergreen are met with cooking meat. The radio is propped up in the corner, playing old carols I haven't heard in years.
I roam through the living room, taking in another city home; one that is not at all broken like mine. The warmth coming from the walls, it doesn't make them feel like they are closing in, but protecting from the evil outside. I stop when I am in front of a wall of pictures.
It's that time of year when people send holiday cards, advertising the beauty of their families. My eyes dart across the different pictures. Some are from vacations, ranging from Disney World to Hawaii; other cards have wintery, snow falling backgrounds. I am about to walk away from the wall when I see something in particular.
Right at the top, probably one of the first cards they received, is a picture of a couple and a young child. I've seen this picture before; I know that family. And I know that little girl. She's my little girl. My hand reaches up and my finger grazes on the precious face.
Rose
I don't see Christina's aunt walk up to me. "She's such a beautiful little girl, isn't she?"
"Gorgeous. Who are they?"
"The man in the picture, him and my husband grew up together, practically brothers. They adopted the little girl when she was born, and they are so happy."
"I'm glad."
"Well, you all must be starving, why don't we all make our way to the Dining Room."
"That sounds like a really good idea."
I try to shove her out of my mind a enjoy the rest of the night, but it feels nearly impossible. I want to mask it, hide my worries from the others because I don't want to dampen their night with my issues. We eat, and the food is absolutely delicious. It has been a long time since I have had a nice home-cooked meal like this. Tori tries, but it isn't really her thing.
I think I am going to make it through the night without anyone seeing my internal struggle, until Tobias comes to my ear. "What's wrong."
I should have known I wouldn't be able to shield my emotions from him. I look at him, and his face holds concern. I am about to tell him, but I hold back. He doesn't know about Rose, and I don't want him finding out just yet. Being raped is one thing, but getting pregnant from it. This is supposed to be a fun trip, and I don't need to mix in the mess of my past.
"It's nothing." From the look he gives me, he doesn't believe me. I sigh. "It's hard. Being here and knowing what happened and being in a nice home. I don't know. It's just hard."
"I know."
"I don't want to let me being upset get the others down."
"It's okay, I'll be here for you. I love you."
"I love you, too." I know I shouldn't lie to him, but I technically am not lying. I'm just keeping some of the truth out of his reach. I can't tell him until I know I can handle it all on my own. I mean, how can I tell him. How was that math test? Oh, and by the way, I have a kid. But only because I was raped. No, I can't tell him, yet. I need to do some things on my own, no matter how much I want him there with me through it. I need to find the closure to really move on.
The question is, will I really find closure?
Sunday
As we walk to the bus, we pass a newsstand. I only glance at it, but I see yellow and blue, and the word Michigan painted across the headline. I don't bother looking more, because I make myself. I don't need to do that to myself. I'm stronger than that.
We load back onto the bus, ready to go home. Part of me is sad to leave again, but I am ready to go back to my real home with people that I care about.
As I fall down into my seat next to Tobias, Christina runs up to me, her face holds surprise. I hear her mutter shit.
"Christina, what's wrong?" I ask.
"You didn't hear? A Michigan football player, one of the main starters, is all over the news."
"No, I rather not hear about the bowl they will be playing in or anything about it for that matter." I say through clenched teeth.
"That's not even close to it; you obviously haven't heard. It's actually really bad; really, really bad. They are so screwed."
"Who is it? What are they saying?" Tobias asks with bitterness, but there is urgency, too.
"His name is Peter... Peter, something. I didn't catch the last name. Anyway, they said he raped a girl, and there are plans to press charges."
I don't bother hearing the rest of what she says. I jump out of my seat and sprint off the bus. I push people out my way until I am right in front of a news stand. I slam some quarters into the slot and open the little box and grab a paper. On the cover, it has Peter's face, and the line reads, "Michigan Star Player Accused of Assault".
Those moments when I do not feel anything, only numb...
This is one of those moments.
End of Part I
Author's Note
The songs included in this chapter were, "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride and "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" by Amy Grant. Hope you guys liked it! This is the conclusion of part one of four in this story! This is just the beginning of the road, so be ready for a crazy ride. Please review!
Be brave, everyone!
QUOTES
1). I want to call her mine, hold her hand forever –Wanted, Hunger Hayes, song
There are six (song, song, song, song, television commercial, person) quotes in this chapter.
PART II SNEAK PEEK
"Do you still not believe me?" I spit at Caleb.
"My brother, the one pers..." I choke down a cry, "The one person that should've believed me, stood by me, and helped me... didn't. He thought I was a liar... He's my brother. Him, above all others, should have been by my side. But he abandoned me."
"Rose is... She's..." I connect my eyes with his, and I stare deep into them. Please forgive me. "Rose is my daughter. The rape got me pregnant."
"It's Tris, something's happened. She's in the hospital."
"I am holding the weight, and it is slowly crushing me because… my brother hurt me. He turned his back on me when I needed him most. Him and my father both betrayed me, and the burden of that betrayal is crushing me. Because to me, when someone wrongs you, both of you hold that burden. And... And to forgive that person means taking all of the weight."
