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Chapter 30

TOBIAS

Getting to school today was a challenge.

The excitement of finals being over and starting a new semester have died away. But every day, getting out of my warm cocoon of blankets and stepping out to the frosted air becomes more and more of a challenge. The cold, dry winter months have made an indiscrete settlement on the city. There are permanent salt marks lining the streets and the chilling temperatures plummet down to new lows with every passing day.

With the depressing months of winter upon the city, it's a wonder I don't have more tardies. Not to mention there is a parade of reporters surrounding the school grounds at the beginning and end of every school day. And they're all here for one reason.

It's disgusting, really. Word about Tris' trial ran like wildfire, stretching its burning inferno of arms. It's hard enough for her to deal with it, but to have a constant reminder of the trial every day. I just want to go punch all of them and tell them to leave.

She wanted it to be discreet. The last thing she ever wanted was for everyone to find out what happened to her. And now everyone does. Tris doesn't do well with attention, especially attention for this reason. I try to help her in any way I can, but she isn't one to open up and pour out every thought and emotion.

There's something else, too. Like she's keeping something from me. I can't imagine why; I thought I made it clear to her that I am not going anywhere, no matter what happened. Or happens. There is this invisible line that, no matter how close we get, still separates us.

I walk out of Computer Science and go to my locker. Usually, I meet up with Tris half-way there because her last period, Physics, is right next to my locker. But she doesn't come. I don't worry too much about it; there are a lot of things that could have happened. Her teacher likes to keep her after class some days; it's nothing to stress about.

As I switch the books in and out of my locker, I catch her out of the corner of my eye. It is pretty incredible how I can pick Tris up like that. Like I just know she is there. But when I turn to see her more clearly, a frown takes over my face.

Some guy is talking to her, a guy I don't think I've seen before. It's not so much she is talking to a guy, but the look on her face. She is uncomfortable, but he obviously doesn't see it. I close my locker and make my way towards them, but just as I am half-way there, he walks away.

When she sees me, a smile takes her face. For a moment, just a moment, I see relief cross it too.

"What was that?" I ask her.

"What was what?"

"Who was that guy you were talking to?"

"Oh, him? That's Al. He's in my physics class."

"What were you talking about?"

"Geez, I didn't know I was playing 20 questions."

"Sorry, it's just, you didn't look very comfortable. I was about to go over there..."

"It's okay. I mean, he was creeping me out a bit, but I can handle it."

"I can talk to him, tell him to back off."

"That's alright. I told you, I can handle myself."

"I know," I say, pulling her in and kissing the top of her head. "So what'd he say?"

"It was weird... Well, first, he knows about the trial coming up, but pretty much everyone at this school knows about that. Thanks to the reporters who tend to swarm the school grounds. Anyway, he was saying how he felt bad and if I needed help protecting myself, him and his dad are hunters."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"He said he has guns and stuff that can protect me. That's when I told him I've learned how to defend myself already."

"Maybe I really should talk to him..."

"No, he was just trying to be nice, protective... In his own weird way."

"That's my job... except for the weird part."

"It's no big deal, it isn't even the first time he's told me about the hunting gear he has."

I catch a breathe. What? "He's told you before?"

"Yeah, he's been sitting next to me since the beginning of the semester. We were taking notes on projectiles with examples like firing a gun and different stuff like that in class. After we took the notes, he talked my ear off the rest of the bell about using projectiles in hunting."

"Projectiles in hunting?"

"Something like hitting his targets... Judging on the x-distance, height, and power of the gun. He said it takes a lot of skill to... to kill." Her voice cracks some with the last part.

"I think I know what's going on... And it is official, I'm talking to him."

"What are you talking about?"

"Tris, he likes you."

"What? No. There's no way."

"Why is that hard to see? You're amazing."

"You have to say that, you're my boyfriend."

"Exactly, I'm your boyfriend. I like you."

"It's different..."

"Believe it or not, there are a lot of guys jealous of me for being with you."

"... So, what makes you think he likes me?"

"He's trying to impress you. Be nice. Be protective."

"Well, he should know having a lot of guns isn't all that impressive. It's kind of freaky."

I take her hand. "But you're okay?"

"I'm fine." But she doesn't have me fooled.

"Tris, it's me. I know you better than that." I slowly rub over her hand when I feel a scab that wasn't there yesterday. And she was wearing gloves earlier today. I pull her hand up, and I am faced with bruised and scabbed knuckles.

"What happened?" She looks down, avoiding my eyes. "Tris..."

"It's no big deal. Really."

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"There's not enough time, the bell's about to ring. We'll be late to class."

She tries to walk away, but I pull her back. "It's just gym, and we both have that class."

She lets out a sigh. "I forgot to put anything on my hands when I went to the gym this morning."

"Really? You're more careful than that."

"I don't know what to tell you. Even when I forget gloves, I'll normally put tape on. But this time, it just... didn't cross my mind." She is silent for a little longer, then she sighs again. There is more to it than just forgetting. "It's just, the stress of the trial and all the reporters and everyone knowing..."

"I know these past few weeks have been hard on you."

"Normally I'm better at channeling my stress, but drawing wasn't enough. I needed to let it out, and I wasn't thinking."

Then it hits me. "Maybe you didn't put the gloves on because you didn't want to."

She doesn't answer me, but the look on her face is enough. She needed a distraction, and letting out her frustration on the punching bag was one thing. But adding on the pain with every punch, that's more permanent.

"Why don't we go and get those hands cleaned up?"

"Sure."

We walk to the nurse's office. When we walk in, the nurse is dealing with a kid hunched over the trash can. We tediously avoid him and walk to the back. I grab the first-aid kit out of my back-pack, contain everything from Neosporin to athletic tape. I rub some Neosporin on her hands and wrap them in some bandages. We are in and out of the office in five minutes.

The nurse's office is on the opposite side of the gym, so we have a decent walk to get to class.

"You know, it's perfectly normal to be stressed right now."

"I know."

"No you don't." She looks at me.

"Sorry... So much is happening so quickly and I don't know how to handle it all. In just a little bit of time, I'm going to be facing him and that scares me and everything with Caleb and all the attention this is getting and the looks of pity people give me... I can't take it!"

"Come here." I pull her into a hug and I try to steady her quaking shakes that go up and down her body.

"You know what you need... A break."

"A break? What are you talking about?"

"Some time away from all that. Something fun and to help take away all the stress you're feeling... A date."

"A date?"

"I mean, we are going out. People who are dating go on dates."

A small laugh breaks, and her lips slightly curve up. "Okay then, it's a date."


TRIS

I've never really looked in the mirror before. I've skimmed over the surface, stared long enough to get a good understanding of myself. But never have I looked intensely into the mirror and stared deep into my eyes, memorized the lines of my lips, the tone of my skin.

It never has mattered. My parents taught me that the point of mirrors is irrelevant. What's the point of looking at the outside of yourself, the exterior, when the inner parts of you could be different? What is on the inside matters, not the other way around.

While my parents' lessons ring in the back of my mind, the new ones provide retroactive interference. I will always be resilient to looking in the mirror, especially to just look at myself. But at the same time, I want to see. So...

I look in the mirror, and I try to see myself. But my head's full of terror from the fear and anxiety that awaits me in New York. I try to see clearer; I try and forget the fires I started; I try to be nearer, to where I can find peace. I hope the peace will come when I face it all head on. But the unknown is haunting.

I look in the mirror, and I try to understand. Piece it all together. It is all a labyrinth of twist and turns that change with every step deeper into the mantic maze. But I can't see the ending, and there are people around my every secret.

All my secrets, every one of them. Well... all of them, except one.

She's the only thing I've kept from all of them. It baffles me that it is the only thing that is left in my complicated web of a past. And even though my friends know, even though Tobias knows, I still can't bring myself to tell them about Rose. I can't face what his reaction would be.

And I still look into the mirror, swallowing the disgust I feel for myself for keeping the secret. After I get over that, I can see myself. Without the weight of all that, I see someone worth being.

Tobias wants to give me a break, and I decide to forget about the trial... Even if it is only a few hours.

So as I wait for him to arrive, I glance at my appearance, the exterior one. Light blonde hair that used to look frail and thin falls down lightly, longer and softer than it did at the beginning of the year. My eyes are bright with a small candlelight of hope flickering in the back. The light is small, and it has the threat of being blown out. That is why it sits far in the back.

Soon enough, I take my gaze away from the reflecting glass. I stare at the empty clock on the wall. It feels like with every passing minute, a century goes by. Maybe time would not feel as heavy if I didn't have this guilt-the guilt of knowing the truth and stuffing it down where no one can see it, not even Tobias. Maybe I should not be so afraid of saying anything, because honesty will make me feel lighter.

Then, car lights shine by the house windows. Footsteps that I have memorized-clacking down the pavement-stride up to the door. I open it before Tobias knocks.

I smile is painted on his face, and he leans in for a kiss. When I pull back, I see he has a rose in his hand, and I have to suppress a reaction. I can't react to a flower, or I'd have to explain why. What would he thing of me, if he knew what I've been keeping from him? How would he look at me?

I push that all down, refusing to let it come back up.

He leads me to his car, a strong hand on my back guiding me. Once we are driving, I can't help but look in the side-view mirror. It is strange seeing myself this much. And the thing that attracts me to my reflection is what looks back.

Does change happen all at once, or is it gradual? One day you're one way, the next you are completely different. Or is it slow, a small day-by-day change that doesn't go noticed. It isn't noticeable, until the day the transformation seems complete and there is someone different staring back.

Who was I? What did I want to be? What have I transformed into? What if, for some deep, needy reason, I still want the approval of my family. All I've ever really wanted was to go back to where we were. But was I happy in that situation? Trapped to live and go with my life a certain way. Because here, with my new family, I can be free.

"What are thinking?" Tobias says, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"You haven't said a word the whole ride, and you are pretty deep in thought."

"Maybe I'm not that deep in thought, maybe I'm thinking about a fluffy bunny."

"First off, you would never think of a fluffy bunny; not unless you took something. And second, you had that look on your face."

"What look?"

He laughs. "I know you better than you'd like to think. You'd be surprised by how much I can read you from just looking at you."

"That's reassuring," And I can't tell if I am being sarcastic or not.

"Seriously though, what's on your mind?"

I sigh, "I can't stop thinking about it." I don't have to tell him what it is. "And, how much has changed."

"But it's a good change."

I turn my attention back to the mirror. Who do I want to be? Is that life, the one that shattered in my hands, the one I really want? "Look at me, I will never pass as a perfect daughter. No matter how much I try," I pause. "Can it be...? I was never meant to play that part? And... Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself and tell the truth, I will break my family's heart."

"What family? The one who abandoned you? Left you and didn't care. Tris, they're not you're family... We are."

"They'll always be there... Part of me just wants them back."

"Why?"

"I guess I never got to say goodbye. It's not like it ended abruptly, it was slow. Time didn't take rush it, only made the path long and painful. One day, you're thinking it'll get better; it has to. At some point, I thought I could eventually save it. But before I knew it... It was gone, out of my reach."

"Closure? Is that what you want?"

"I want... I want to stop feeling this way. To just, let go. Or to not hold on as tightly. I've given up hope and said my goodbyes, but they were in here." I place a hand on my chest, "But they don't leave, they are always there."

A silence that consist of radio voice, warm air circling the car, and no words falls inside the car.

I speak up, "So, what's the plans for tonight. As you can tell, I need a distraction."

A smile warms his face, "If I told you, you wouldn't be surprised."

"Can I at least try and guess?"

"You can try..."

So, until we reach our destination, I grill him for any and every detail I can get out of him. It's really cold outside, still, so that eliminates a few things. But I understand that it will be mostly outside. Soon, the outside of the car is surrounded by greenery and its snow stricken floor.

"I didn't pack anything warm."

"I know, I had Tori give me some stuff before-hand."

We reach a small parking area in a place I have never been before. We get out of the car and walk to the back and in the trunk is everything from hats and gloves to snow pants and winter jackets. What is going on?

"I'm done guessing, we're here, just tell me what we're doing."

"We," he pulls out a large sled, "are going to enjoy the snow."

He takes my hand and we walk pass the shrubbery and opens a huge hill with long lines streaming down. Since it is dark, only the moon and the occasional lamp bringing light, there aren't many people here. Tobias lays the sled on the ground and he gets in the back; I sit in front of him and his arms immediately wrap around my body.

"Ready?" He breathes into my ear, his warm breath tickling my skin.

"Let's go," I say.

In seconds, the sled slowly edges more and more until it is flying down. Sliding dow the hill is liberating. The bitter wind whips by us as we slice through the air, tumbling down the hill. We pick up speed with every second and I love it. Tobias tightens his grip and his head goes into my hair.

When we get to the bottom, I turn to Tobias. There is a small speck of urgency in his eyes. I grip his strong hands in my own and curl into him.

"Come on, let's do it again." I can't break the smile; the thought of speeding down the hill sending thrills of adrenaline through me.

"Again?" I turn around to face him.

"Yes," I peck a kiss on his lips, "again, you and me."

"With you? Well, I'm sold." And this time he kisses me. At first it is slow, but then it grows. My pink, frozen cheeks begin to warm, sending chills through my body.


Author's Note

Sorry guys! My writing has currently been occupied by college/scholarship essays. Believe me, FTS is a lot more fun to write than a million different essays. But the next few chapters are supposed to be her trial! And I have some BIG stuff planned! Ahh! I can't wait to share.

Also, I went back and made a small change to 28: Chapter 27. Like I said, it's small, but it has some foreshadowing in it. All you good, attentive readers will pick it up and be able to guess a big twist I have planned. Happy reading!

One last thing! I created a Twitter account for FF. My profile name is ss96writes. I will be posting updates on the updates, sneak peeks to future chapters, and whatever fun stuff I can think of. Please review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). Thinking about it, I want things back how they used to be. But there's no way around it; nothing good comes easily... There's a feeling inside, and as hard as I try, it just won't go away... Because knowing he is the love that I've always needed. I miss the old him even more. –Miss You More, BBMak, song

There are four (song, song, book, book) quotes in this chapter.