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Chapter 40
TOBIAS
I like going over to Tris and Tori's place; it is much better than mine. Tris called me twenty minutes ago asking me to help her with her project, and I did not hesitate to come over. I did not bother informing my father. Besides, he's not even in town; he doesn't care where I go anyway.
The end of the year has come, and that means semester exams are this week. I was in the middle of reviewing my government notes when she called.
It does not take me long to get there. When I pull in and go to the door, I don't bother to knock on the door. A few months ago, Tori scolded me about knocking. She said it is easier to just walk in, and I am free to come and go as I please. More of the coming in, though.
When I walk in, I don't need to ask... I know Tris is in the office. And I am right. Inside the room Tris sits on the floor with glue, knives, rulers, some spread sheets, and an array of thin pieces of wood.
"Hey," I say. "So, what's this project of yours?"
"It's technically my semester exam... But I have to build a small tower out of this wood. Only for it to get crushed. And I need a third a hand with this gluing."
"What?" I laugh. I pick up one of the pieces of wood and it's light as a feather.
"I have to build the tower to withstand vertical weight and torque. The better weight of the tower ratio to the weight it holds I have, the better grade I get. I have to keep the tower under 12 grams, and my teacher said that someone's tower once held over 150 pounds. I'm aiming for about 90."
"These flimsy things are going to hold almost 100 pounds?" Another reason I am glad I decided to take Biology this year.
"Hopefully," she says. "My exam grade depends on it."
"Then let's get started."
She pulls her hand-written blueprints out so it can be seen more clearly. I help her build them, not wavering from her set plans. The building would go faster, but the glue takes forever to dry. While we wait for different parts to glue, we study for different exams.
I am gluing one of the last corners when I notice Tris zoning out. It's not the first time she's done that today. Tris doesn't zone out as much as she used to, but today seems different.
"Hey, Tris... Is there something bothering you?"
"Hmm," she says not looking at me. "No."
I know she's lying. "Really? Because the last time you went an entire lunch period without talking was back in the fall. I know there is something on your mind."
She looks down. "I didn't want to tell anyone, or make it obvious that today..."
She takes a deep breath and I know she is trying to hold something in. I have come to learn that, with Tris, when she is about to cry, she goes silent. When she doesn't talk about it (to push the thought aside) she can keep everything bottled up. One thing I've come to learn since we've been together.
"Tris, you're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of every day," I say.
She sighs, "Her birthday's today. Rose's."
So that is what's been bothering her. I guess I can't find a way to relate. All I can do is listen, because Tris has never really had someone to talk to.
"I don't know if I should be sad, relieved, happy... Every time I think of her, my mind jumbles up. Part of me will always have a place in my heart for her. She's my daughter after all. I sacrificed so much, mostly my sanity, for her. Part of me hates the thought of her because the only reason she exists..."
A sadness covers her eyes. Her eyes are a mix of blue and grey, but the storm clouds of grey cover the blue sky. I can't tell what makes her sad. The fact that she gave Rose away, or the thought of where Rose came from, or going back to that place, or... or...
I feel like there are a million things that could be going on in her mind, so I go straight to the root of the problem. This day. This day that provoked all this. I say, "Does that make that day a good memory or a bad memory?"
She opens her mouth to answer, but then pulls back. Instead, she ponders the thought and says, "Both. Because it showed that even on the worst days there can be joy."
"A life is a life. And you gave her the best chance she could have."
"But, no matter what happens, there is still a part of me that just can't let go. The attack, the betrayal, the heartache. Peter's in jail. Rose is safe in a good home. I'm going back and maybe I can mend... something. Yet... Every time I..."
She goes silent again. Then she says, "I feel like there are times that I am fine. That the thoughts, and the pain that accompanies those thoughts, are diminished and gone from my mind. But then there is something that triggers it all, like today, and then all the pain is back. All the hurt... I want so badly to let go and to move on. But I can't. I feel like I'm just giving up, or giving in."
"You shouldn't have to block thoughts or memories to be happy or to let go."
"Then how? How do I just let go. What if letting go is saying it never happened, that it can even happen again because it didn't bother me the first time."
"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept the strength to keep moving."
"But... But..." She says. I have come to learn that with Tris, when she knows that someone else is right, she can't fathom words. Another thing I've picked up on since we've been together.
"You don't have to say anything," I say. I notice the glue has dried and her tower is complete. "Just, think about it. It's not going to happen overnight, but someday you'll wake up and realize it's not worth it."
"And when will that happen?" Her eyes plead.
"That depends on you."
I am a little relieved my first period is a study hall because I would rather not make up an exam.
Right now, all the students are taking their first period exam, but I am sitting in my football coach's office with a college recruit. I have begun to lose count of the coaches that have come up to me, shaken my hand, told me every reason I should go to their school...
It's always the same. But this one seems different. The University of Kentucky's coach sits in the office. I feel like I can talk to this coach with ease, and the way he describes UK makes me want to schedule a visit on the spot.
I don't notice the time go by until it is all gone away. I shake hands with the coach and walk out of the office. The first thing I do when I get out is go straight to Tris' locker. She is already there, and she carries a big bag in her hands. Her Physics project.
"Hey," I say when I get closer. "You ready?"
"Nervous, actually. And a little stressed out."
"I'm sure you will do great."
"How did it go with the recruiter?"
"He liked me and asked if I would visit over the summer. But I..."
"What?"
"I don't know. This one was different. I really liked him, and the way he sold UK."
"Kentucky? Wow."
I want to add that I can go on as many visits as I want this summer because she will be gone most of it. But I know that is not a good idea. Even though it kills me that she is choosing to go back there for six weeks, I have to support her decision. Besides, there is still time for her to change her mind. Hopefully.
"Thanks, by the way, for helping last night."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better," she says, but it is more like a question. "I feel a little lighter, like I can walk without as much weight. Maybe it's improvement, small as it is, but it's better than yesterday."
I pull her into a hug and kiss her head. I say through her hair, "You're stronger than you think."
I pull away and close her locker. I say, "Good luck. I'll see you after class."
"I'll see you soon," she says as she goes to Physics and I go to Computer Science, my favorite class. I've always been good a computers. Something decent I inherited from my father.
When I walk in my teacher, Mr. Smith, is on a chair messing around with the clock high up on the wall.
"What's going on, Mr. Smith?"
"The clock is messed up. During first period it was five minutes fast, but now it looks like it has jumped to 10 minutes late. I have no idea what it will be at the end of the bell, so don't rely on it for the time."
Mr. Smith, who has now given up on the whole clock thing, begins to get ready to give us our exam. Like Tris, my Computer Science exam is a project that I have been working on for the last two weeks. I only need twenty-five minutes to add the finishing touch to it, so I have most of the time to myself.
I decide to go to different university websites of schools that are looking at me, and I browse through their different athletic programs and academics. I loose track of the time, and the next thing I know, the clock on my computer is telling me that there are only minutes left in the period.
I look at the clock on the wall. I know that it isn't the most accurate thing, but according to my watch, it is mostly correct. I pack up my things and wait for the chiming of the bell.
I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. It's Tris. she sent me a picture of her tower. Or, at least, what's left of her tower. She says it did really well. I look back at the clock. Soon enough, the bell will ring and I can give her a proper congratulation.
But instead of a bell ringing through the air, I hear a BANG!
At first, I think it is nothing. I look around and see everyone kind of rub it off. The minutes tick on and I am beginning to question if the bell will ring at all. I am sure the bell will ring, and right when I am about to comment on it, there is another sound. Like the one before.
BANG!
It is more powerful this time with the discrete silence. It isn't a bell ringing, nor is it a pile of textbooks falling on the ground. I know what the sound is; it isn't hard to figure out. I just pray that I am wrong. But I know I am not.
It's the sound of a gunshot.
There is a shooter in the school.
Author's Note
There's a shooter! Is everyone alright? Who has the gun? Some of you active and attentive readers know that this was foreshadowed! The ultimate question is this: Which chapter foreshadowed this event? And foreshadowed the shooter? (It was before Tris' trial.) Let me know what you think! I've been waiting to do this for what seems like forever.
I am currently updating this chapter from THE happiest place on earth. (Disney World!) And I didn't bring my computer, so I will update as soon as I can when I get back.
I had this chapter pretty much done a few days ago, but I wanted to get the first half just right. And even though I say it is done I may still go back to it. I personally struggle with the thoughts of letting go. Someone who meant a great deal to me hurt me, and for a while I could not forgive her and let go. And I may never be. But writing this chapter really... grounded me. Hope you guys liked it and could connect to it yourselves. (Sorry for this kind of long A/N.) Please review!
Be brave, everyone!
QUOTES
There were no quotes in the last chapter.
There are two (movie, television show) quotes in this chapter.
