I do not own anything, just my ideas.

Chapter 45

TOBIAS

We have a fight, Tris and I.

It seems stupid to keep thinking about it, but being angry seems to keep the hurt at bay. I'm not an angry person, though. I try not to be. But when it comes to Tris—I don't know—everything is different. Love is fragile, and we're not always its best caretakers.

Like when I was scrolling through my Facebook feed. It was mindless and a way to burn time, but I abruptly stopped on one thing. It was a picture that Caleb tagged Tris in. The first thing that made me stop was the fact that Caleb was on my feed, posting a picture of her. But the picture was a completely different story. She was with someone else.

The picture had been taken earlier in the week, and I had talked to Tris since then. And she didn't mention a guy she saw, let alone took a picture with.

I called her that night, per usual. I didn't bring it up right away. I don't want to seem like a crazy jealous guy. Eventually, it does come up.

"What's with the picture Caleb took?"

"Huh? You mean the one from… Oh, it's nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing."

"Are you talking about Robert?"

"I don't know the guy's name. You have never mentioned him before."

"Look… it's nothing." There's a hitch in her voice that says she's hiding something. "Caleb and I were walking and we ran into Robert and his sister. We all knew each other growing up."

"You seemed pretty happy to see him."

"Of course I was happy to see him. It's nice to see someone like that again, before it all went bad."

"That happy, though."

"Is there some kind of problem?"

"A problem? There has always been a problem. You decide to drop everything here and go to a different city half way across the country. And you don't think there is a problem with you going out with other guys?!"

"What the hell? You don't understand."

"Then tell me."

"I… I shouldn't have to say anything. You should trust me to know that you shouldn't worry."

"But I do. I always worry about you."

"You don't need to protect me all the time. I'm not some kid that needs to be watched over. Why can't you trust me to do this for myself? I'm stronger than I used to be."

"Not when it's hundreds of miles away. Not after what's happened to you. Not after everything we have been through. Not when you are getting so close to other guys."

"God, would you quit bringing Robert into this? He has nothing to do with anything. You've never been like this before."

"You've never been distant like this before. You keep finding a way to get yourself knee deep in different situations."

"Are you saying everything that's happened to me is my fault?!"

"No, that's not what I meant!"

"That's what you said."

"I can't help you if you are there and something happens."

"Shit's already happened to me. I can take it."

"Are you sure?"

There is a pause—a long pause. She whispers so softly, I barley hear, "He saved me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Robert." Her voice, once harsh and loud, pulls back. "I tried to kill myself, after the rape. I jumped into dangerous water, and I almost drowned. And he saved me. He pulled me out of the water."

"I… I didn't know. I mean, I know you were… but I didn't know that…"

"Now you do."

Neither of us says anything. Even with the silence, I still feel the hurt and the anger.

She says, "I'm not doing anything here but work. Real work."

"Is that something you really want to do, though? Do you really want to be a lawyer or a politician?"

"… No. I don't—"

"Then why are you there?"

"I'll never know if I don't at least try… And I am doing what I have to do, for her."

"Is it worth it?"

"That's easy for you to say! You have answers. You know why your mom died."

"That's a lie. Sure, I know what caused her to die, but I will never know why she died or why she had to leave me."

"But it was no accident. She got sick. I know that my mom's death wasn't an accident. She… she left me these letters."

"And?"

"And," she sighs. "Every letter brings me just a little closer to her, but there is still so much I don't know. I will find the truth, though. It's there; I know it. I'm getting close."

"I just…"

"What do you want me to say? I miss you like crazy. I miss being with my friends. I miss seeing Tori. Do you think I haven't thought about the consequences of me being here? Of course I have. But this is my choice. You have to understand that."

"How?"

There is a small pause. "Tobias, you—you're afraid of heights."

"Yeah?" I ask, confused.

"But you fell for me, despite that fear."

I did. "What are you trying to say?"

"You had the faith to fall, so have faith in me. I don't regret the choices I make for myself. So I don't want you to do either."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"… And by the way, I like your new hair."

She chuckles. "I hoped you would."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I wanted to surprise you. It's so different, I didn't know if you would even like it."

"I think you look amazing."

"Thanks… So, are we okay?"

I sigh. I want to say no, because I still can't wrap my head around it. But it's her life and her choices. Just because I love her, doesn't mean I can control her. I can't love her for being who she is if I try to change her.

"Yes. I love you, always. I trust you."

"Me, too."

"Until tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."


"Tobias."

His voice is like venom through the air. Like the sound waves are traveling to me, and they strike my back as if it's his fist. He says my name as if it is a threat. I don't answer his call, but he still comes to my room. The door opens with a large swipe, and my father takes a few large steps before he is behind me.

"What are you doing, son?"

"Nothing."

He grips my arm hard and screams into my ear, "Liar. I thought I wasn't raising a liar."

He hits the back of my head with his free hand. I say, "It's—it's college stuff. Football."

He releases me. "Hmm… And?"

"There are a lot of schools." It's something risky to say to him—almost defiant.

"There should be only one that matters. University of Notre Dame was a wonderful school for me. It will suit you fine."

"There are other schools out there. Some of them are really looking at me to play."

"You will do as you're told; it is for your own good. You are too naïve and weak to handle such an important decision."

"I am capable of making my own choices."

"Oh, are you? Like now? Trying to defy me?!" The anger in his eyes ignites everything around him into a burning inferno. I can already feel the burn.

"I'm not—"

He hits me across the face, and I stagger back. Then he punches me over and over again on my chest. The pain comes to me as a shock. He has been out of town so often as of late; he hasn't had many opportunities to beat me. I have almost forgotten the fear he strikes in me, and the way his fists feel against my body.

The shock leaves me paralyzed—I can't move. I can't defend myself. Suddenly, I am a little boy cowering in fear under my father. All the strength I have ever thought I have ever had flies away from me like wind runs during a hurricane. He has always seemed to have this talent of flipping a switch and turn into some completely different person. I wonder if that other person knows what this one in front of me does. I wonder if he just simply ignores the monster that is within.

"You will not lie to me! You will do as I say!"

"Stop!" I scream.

It is such an unusual thing for me to say, my father pauses in his strikes.

"What?" His eyes are daggers. He pulls his hand up to punch me in the face. "How dare…"

"The dinner!" I yell. The dinner the mayor himself invited us to. The dinner with other important council men and their families will be. Even though my father doesn't want me to go, it would look bad for me to not show up. And to show up with a black eye.

He must understand this, because he pulls his arms back. "Turn around," he says.

I want to say no. I want to scream no. I want to jump on top of him and punch the light out of his angry eyes. I want to finally stand up to him.

But for now, all I can do is stand still. My father shoves my body so I fall face-first on my bed. I hear shuffles for a moment, a cold silence filling the room. I feel a numbness that leaves me frozen. As if time is slowed, or even stopped. I have a feeling that if I look into the mirror I will see a young boy, small and weathered, lying with eyes that are as lifeless as a rock.

Then, the numb, frozen time evaporates. I feel the strikes of my father's belt on my back—one after another. I bite into the blanket that lies on my bed to keep the screams from running out of my mouth. It feels as if an eternity passes before he stops, but when I look at the clock, it says the time was short. At least, shorter than beatings in the past.

His belt isn't the only thing he lashes at me. He screams things like "You are an imperfect person," and "You are completely weak and worthless." The worst one is "You are as good as your dead mother."

And I believe him.

He doesn't say anything as he walks out of the room. I slowly get up, pain already running up and down my spine. My back had been healed for a while now, but I can tell there are bruises and red marks across my back. I keep my same clothes, afraid that changing will be too painful, and I put on my shoes.

Even with the pain, I walk. I walk out the door and down the road. I can normally keep up a good speed, but not now. Eventually, I get there. I push on the doorbell.

Tori answers the door.

"Sorry," I say. "I—I didn't know where else to go."

"Come on in."

"I was going to go to Zeke's, but he… I mean they don't know about… and with everything with Tris…"

"Shh. Don't worry."

When Tori isn't looking, I grab ice. A lot of it. When she sees the lump of ice on my back, I tell her my muscles are sore from working out. She gives me looks, but I shoot her down. I keep apologizing for coming over, but she pushes my apologies aside.

"With Tris gone, it feels… empty in here. It's funny how much she can fill a room, and how empty it feels with her gone."

"I know what you mean."

"Speaking of, we are supposed to be skyping in a few minutes. If you want, you can—"

"I don't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't be. Every time we talk, she always asks me about you."

"We had a fight last week."

"But you made up?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Not the most convincing I guess that I have ever heard."

"It's hard for me to accept that she is there."

A ring sound comes from the computer in the office. "Speaking of, that's her."

Tori walks to the office and answers the call. She talks to Tris for only a moment before nodding her head to me and leaving the room.

"Hey," she says. In the background, I can see and hear a loud storm.

"Hi."

"What's wrong?" I don't answer her. "Tobias. What happened?"

I feel tears welling in my eyes. I can't remember a time that I have ever cried in front of her. It makes me feel weak.

"He beat me." I say it in a whisper, as if someone will hear me.

She gasps. "Oh my gosh, how… why…"

"I don't even remember how it happened. It just did. And I let him do this to me."

"Don't talk like that. Don't ever let him make you feel like you are nothing."

"But I am! He told me so." I can't help but feel completely vulnerable. I don't know if it is the fact that I have come used to the serenity of loving Tris and not experiencing the beatings, or if I have always been this weak before and never let it show. Suddenly, all the fighting over the past few weeks seems like nothing.

"Listen to me. You're stronger than he is. His words mean nothing. He is the one who is nothing. I don't want you to listen to a word he says. I want you to listen to the people who love you. Me, Zeke, Shauna, Uriah, and everyone else. We love you for you."

"I am an imperfect person."

"We all are. We come to love not by finding a perfect person; that's impossible. Instead, we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly."

"You were already perfect."

"No I wasn't. I was damaged. Broken."

"You were perfect, but you were lost."

"You were… air when I was drowning."

"I wasn't doing so well, myself."

"But no one saw; you could live."

"Exist. I existed; I wasn't living," I say. "I think you still don't see it."

She laughs a little. "See what?"

"How amazing you are. You're deadly smart. You're brave. And… You know what Marcus does to me, and you don't treat me like I am weak."

"You are not weak. You are so strong. People hear you." She laughs.

"What?"

"I was just… thinking how similar and different we are."

"How's that?"

"Well, I'm the lightning." As if on cue, a bolt of lightning strikes in the window behind her. "People saw me, but they didn't hear me. They didn't hear my pleas for help. You're the thunder. People may hear you, but they don't really see you-at least, the real you. And together, we're something more. A storm."

"I like it." I move slightly, and a shot of pain runs up my back. For a second there, I could have almost forgotten it. But pain demands to be felt.

"I'm sorry I can't be there for you."

"You're doing what you need to do. And then you'll be back."

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"Huh?"

"Whenever you suck in your cheeks like that, it means there's something on your mind."

"... I found something."

"What! What did you find?"

"How much do you know about someone named Kavolo?" Her voice is soft.

"The mythical drug lord?"

She has a surprised look on her face. "You've heard of him?"

"Yeah." I still remember that night in New York when I talked to some locals who told the scary story of Kavolo. "What about it?"

"He... He's not a myth. He's real. And... I know who it is."


Author's Note

In case you love flashbacks, I have one for the next chapter that I have worked on it for some time, so be looking for it. I leave for college really soon, so sadly I don't know what that will mean for updates. (A lot is about to change for me.) Also, I changed some of my summary so let me know what you think. Please review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). The deadliest wounds are the ones you barely see. –Dexter, television show

2). When you try to fix a broken person, you have to be careful. You may cut yourself on their shattered pieces. –Anonymous, person

There are three (movie, movie, book) quotes in this chapter.