I do not own anything, just my ideas.

Chapter 52

TRIS

I do not want the name on my grave to read survivor. Even with good intentions, people do not see the disgrace and indignity surrounding the thought. A survivor is sometimes just another way of saying a victim, and there is almost something insulting about the appraisal.

Because I am more than a number or statistic. And I am not a story to be told at seminars. (Yet another one of Peter's victories over me.) I hate the idea that part of my identity rests on an event that happened to me. I want my identity to be defined by the infinite little universes and stories inside me, not the scars that mark those infinities.

I'll be honest, I never thought anything good would happen after it happened. I slid to the tip of a black hole; everything good or bad disappeared, leaving me with nothing. I never allowed myself the possibility of thinking I could love and be loved. I never thought I could be strong enough or brave enough to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone else. Deep down, I felt like the only way to get through it was to let it go—as if it was my fault I felt the way I felt. But there is more to letting go than what it seems.

Life keeps going, and eventually those who have experienced pain are going to move on from the things that have tried to stop them. You're not supposed to look back, you're supposed to keep going. You must learn to care for yourself. To say "I love you," one must first know how to say I.

The second I walked into Tobias' house, I felt an electric current charging between us, pulling us to each other.

And the moment our lips touched, I knew with pure and piercing certainty that I would have waited for Tobias forever. Even as I sigh his name into the darkness of night and he traces my body with feather-like fingers, I know that in this moment the rest of the world is in black and white and we are screaming color.

Tobias is gentle with me. We are slow, allowing each moment a lifetime of its own. I can't stop the pounding in my heart, but it is not a bad kind of beating. It creates a beat, and our sighs and moans form into an orchestra. It feels right.

We were both once broken. Lost. And sometimes we are still rough around the edges, but that is okay. There was a time when I could see the mess of my shattered pieces scattered around me, and I could not imagine a way the mess could be fixed. We are not a mess to fix, though. As I look into his deep set eyes that stare at me like there is nothing else worth seeing, I whole-heartedly know that all we need is someone to understand how all our broken pieces fit together. Everyone has baggage, but I have found someone that loves me enough to help unpack.

And as we fit together, our colors dimmed and a quite silence taking hold of the hot air, I smile to myself. I admire the hope running through my thoughts and the happiness in my heart. When morning comes—when daylight streams in and songs from birds take hold of the air—I won't say everything has changed. I'll still be me and Tobias will still be himself, but there will be something more. The fears and ghosts of the past will be gone.

Or they may not.

Each day will be a battle. Every second will be unpredictable. And if that is how it must be from now till forever, then let it be. Let life hold challenges and let it bring joy. Allow me the gift of waking each day with unpredictability paving my journey. Show how every moment can be whatever I make of it. Because I am not a survivor—I am a fighter.


Tori helps me bring the last of my stuff into my room. As soon as I got back yesterday, I just threw it into the living room, but now I am trying to unpack. I begin on my clothes and Tori takes my shower bag to the bathroom. When she gets back, she helps me with my clothes.

"Senior year," I say to myself. "I didn't think I would make it."

"What I can't believe is that it has already been a year since you moved here."

I look around the room I call mine and take in the statement.

A year.

I laugh at all that has changed in this unbelievable year. I try to imagine the girl who I used to be that walked through those doors with no hope, no happiness, no life. I was a burned out candle and a hopeless. That person was bound and barred by limitations. She stayed silence in fear of consequences.

But that person knew a secret that ended up saving her. That person knew that there was no point in looking for happiness in the same place it was lost.

"I still remember telling your now-friends to not scare you."

"Well, they still did that, but I guess things kind of worked out."

We both laugh.

"Mom would be happy, mostly for you, Tori. You were the one that really helped. I know she really appreciates everything you have done."

"Your mom did more for me than you know." I give her a look. "Really… Actually, I don't talk about it much, but she was really there for me when we were in high school."

I don't recall anything like this.

"I don't talk about it much, mostly because it was something your mother and I shared together, but when I was your age, I lost my brother. His name was George. I… it is hard to bring him up."

"Especially with her gone."

"She was like family, and so are you—the only family I had." She gives me a smile. "The little family I have."

"Sometimes I feel like a can be a burden."

"Well, you are not. You can be a little difficult… impulsive, head-strong, exhausting—"

"I get it."

She laughs and pulls me into a hug. "But not a burden. I don't know what it is, but there is something about you that just brings life to others. Look at Tobias… he is a completely different person compared to before he met you."

"I could say the same thing about myself."

"That's the beauty of it, you make each other better. That's how it is supposed to be."

"Why haven't I ever seen you, uh, you know… out there."

She laughs nervously. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that."

"What?"

"I have been seeing someone."

"I leave for a few weeks and you start dating someone?"

"You were a little busy in New York being Scooby Doo, and for a while it was nothing."

"Fine. So tell me about him. Is it anything serious?"

"Kind of. His name is Bob; we met online. We have been out on a few dates and last week he sent me flowers."

"Wow," I say with a smile. "Well, I am happy for you."

"Thanks… This is kind of nice. We don't get to talk much anymore, do we?"

"I guess we don't," I say. "I suppose I am mostly to blame. You must think I can never be satisfied."

"To be honest, I think it is better for you to be the way you are."

"Really?"

"Yes. You don't see it because you never saw yourself and how bad you were. It is incredible to see you filled with life, with drive."

I look up and raise my eyebrows. "I know you really want to say obsession."

"I did not say it for a reason."

"But you're thinking it."

Now she raises her eyebrows. "Is that what you think of yourself? That you're obsessed?"

I pause. "I don't know. It feels complicated but it shouldn't be. I guess there are a million things going on in my head and they are all going so fast and I can't keep up with it all."

Everything that happened in New York has caught up with me, and I feel like I am looking at it all with a better perspective.

"Hey," she comes closer to me. "It's okay to talk about what is on your mind—say it out loud."

"It's just… I don't know. I know what happened to my mom. I know why it happened and who did it, and it helps, but there is still this hole. As if the truth isn't good enough."

"And you went through a lot of trouble getting it."

"But was it worth it?"

"Are seriously thinking about that now?"

I attempt to control my emotion and expression, but we both end up laughing.

"Yes. No. Perhaps it is easier to think now that it is all over and done with."

"Do you think it was worth it?"

"I think… I think it was enough."

"How so?"

"All these years, I believed a lie. A lie that told me it was an accident. And part of me thinks that an accident would have been easier to live with, but another part of me is sure that the lie would not have been enough. It gave me something to rely on but not something to trust."

There is a pause between us. Tori puts down the shirt in her hands and sits on my bed. I can't tell what she is thinking about, but I am sure it is not like my thoughts that keep thinking about how willing I was to trust the idea that my mom was gone from a mistake.

"What are you thinking?" I ask.

"I still remember the day I got the call. I remember the day of week, the weather, the clothes I wore, I even remember the stupid magazine I was reading when I got the news. Then there was this span of time I didn't believe what your father told me. I still have trouble grasping the idea. Your mom, probably the person with the most good in her, was taken from us."

I move to sit next to her. "But I know that things happen that are not supposed to. I know it sometimes snows in April and weeds grow in the middle of gardens. I am beginning to live with the rifts—it doesn't make them right or easy, but it helps me keep moving."

"Me, too. At the time, it seemed impossible to imagine a world without her, but we have made it this far."

"The journey was a little rocky."

"Let it be rocky, that's what your mother would say." I laugh because Tori is right. "Let it shake and turn and drive us crazy because that what will make this life worth it. I want nothing more than to be the person that feels the rain and not the person who just gets wet. What do you say?"

"It does sound like something my mother would say."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I am." I mean it. "Are you?"

"Some days the answer is yes and other days the answer is no. Today, it is yes. And when the answer is no, I know deep down there are people in my life to help me get through it."

Tori stands up.

"What do you say we finish unpacking your stuff, grab junky food snacks, a laptop, and go on the roof?"

"Sounds perfect."


Author's Note

I apologize for my long leave of absence. (College is really hard and very time consuming.) There may be another update, there may not—I am as surprised as the rest of you when they happen. I will say I have begun working on an epilogue, but that will come after a short(ish) Part IV.

Also, thank you to everyone who has read this story because, this morning, it reached 300,000 views! Please review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). I'm coming home to the place where I belong—to the place where your love has always been good enough for me. –"Home", song

2). My grandmother once told me that when I am looking for a partner, I should fall in love with her eyes because eyes are the only things that doesn't age. So if you fall in love with their eyes, you'll be in love forever. –Ed Sheeran, person

3). And her eyes are so stern, so insistent. Beautiful. –Allegiant, book

4). I fell in love when we were together, then fell deeper in love when we were apart. –Dear John, film

5). Love is a slippery slope and it's too easy to fall. –Unleased, novel

6). Let me love you until you learn to love yourself. –"Let Me Love You", song

Congratulations to: Golden (Guest), Danutless-Princess3392, Mari-The-Dreamer, Rachel (Guest), and Amalia Keri Repko, and iamMika.

There are 5 (book, book, movie, television show, and person) quotes in this chapter.