I do not own anything, just my ideas.

Chapter 56

TRIS

On my first day of camp, they sat me down at a table with paper and a pen, and they asked me to write down exactly what I felt. I sat there for a while, staring at the paper with words circling my head. At the end of the day, somehow the paper stayed empty. And I could not have described it any better.

I toss and turn from a restless night of sleep. It was never common for me, in the past, to sleep soundly the night before school started. I always attributed the insomnia to nervousness. The nervousness has morphed from different things over the years and has acted as a shadow of my feelings: always darker, emptier, and simpler. But the heavy beat in my heart feels natural and meaningful. A small part of me likes the idea of revisiting old feelings for the same reason I re-read old books—comfort in familiar words even though I know the ending.

The slightest hint of sunshine comes through the window as the alarm on my phone signals me to get up. I can hear music playing in the kitchen and smell breakfast roasting through the halls. Tori was never the kind of person to ever be subtle, and ever since she started seeing that Bob guy, she has been extra zingy.

I can feel a ticking inside of me start, and I know deep down what the ticking means. Last first day of high school. Last dances. Last football game. Last… last… last…

I try to shove it out. I wished away these times for so long, but the end is now close enough to make me realize it was a mistake. I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. A quick splash of water on my face and the usual morning routine takes grip as I get ready. I let the idea of getting into a routine distract me from my thoughts.

I dress in my already decided outfit. I smile with a blush when I put on my new necklace from Tobias.

Shania Twain's Greatest Hits plays in the kitchen, and I walk in right as the waffle maker dings ready.

"It smells great," I say to Tori.

She whips around with a glass of orange juice. She places it on the bar and plants a kiss on my cheek. "Good morning."

"Good morning."

"So, how little did you sleep last night?"

I pause in chewing my food and look at her. She says, "Next time you grab a late night snack from no sleep, close the fridge door."

I blush and say, "Sorry."

"Are we going to talk about it?" She sets a plate of food in front of me.

I know what she means. She is wondering if a nightmare or fear is the cause to the late night snack and the lack of sleep.

"It's not what you think… Just first day nerves. Honestly, this is the first time in a long time I am not wishing it away."

"Really?"

"Really," I try to urge. "There are different reasons I am not looking forward to it." Last. Last. Last.

Tori looks down at her phone as if she took a blow to the face. I don't understand it until I see the screen and the person on her lock screen. Bob.

I am meeting him tonight for the first time at dinner, and she must think that I am not looking forward to it… even dreading it.

"It's not that," I say. "I'm happy to meet Bob tonight."

She looks back at me. "How?..."

"You may be able to read my thoughts, but that is a two way street."

She laughs. "I don't want you to like him because I do. I want you to like him all on your own. And when you said you weren't looking forward to today… I thought you meant that."

"No. I am having a senior moment. I never thought I would want high school to slow down. At least, I never thought I would want more time with my friends." I pause. "I never thought I would actually have friends."

So much of my life has been looking in the past. My mother's death, Peter's assault, Caleb's betrayal… The future is scary and it is so tempting to run back to the past because it is familiar. But no matter how much you revisit the past, there is nothing new to see.

Tori comes around next to me where I am sitting. Something passes over her eyes and it flashes away.

"You live most of your life in that little head of yours." She taps my head and gives me a smile. "Make sure it is a nice place to be."

"I'll try, Tori. I'll really try."


The second I walked into the school, I got that feeling. That feeling that something wasn't right. It wasn't until I passed my old physics classroom that something peculiar happened.

My heart felt like it was made of lead and my vision blurred.

Another thing from my past.

Another reason revisiting the past is a mistake. But thinking back to my conversation with Christina, I shouldn't blow off my reaction. I should accept the fact that it is normal to feel this way, being the first time back in the school since that day before summer started. It will pass. I will learn to get used to it, and eventually it will go away. But for now, I plan to avoid this part of the school for a while.

"Hey girl," Christina says as she catches up to me.

"Hi."

"So have you looked at my schedule? Gym for first period. It's like they want me to look sweaty and un-kept this whole semester," she says in a dramatic voice. She looks at it again. "You know, it's a real shame that you are skipping out on music for your art class."

My mood switches, and I nearly jump in excitement. I will miss my friends during that time of the day, but I can't wait to get my hands dirty with paint. We walk forward some more, and down the hall I see Tobias at his locker. As we get closer, I look around and see eyes on me. I learned a long time ago to ignore wondering eyes, but I know why they stare.

"Christina? You know that conversation we had the other day."

She stops and pulls me to the side. "Are you okay?"

I swallow. I promised to not bury it anymore. I whisper, "I'm not scared, but…"

"You are. And that's fine. You would be crazy if you weren't," she looks around the hall. "And I'm sure all these people looking aren't helping."

"I know it's illogical to be afraid now because it's over and I want to try and forget, but…"

"But nothing. Now what can I do to help my friend. If you need me to avert their attention from you and make a complete fool of myself for you, I would do it in a heartbeat."

She strides forward with a beaming grin, but I pull her back towards me. "No, that won't be necessary. Just you being you is enough."

She smiles, and we continue down the hallway. When I reach Tobias, I poke at his side.

"Hey, you," I say, and I am greeted with a kiss. It is swift and holds no merit in terms of PDA, but that is how I would prefer it.

"We should go to class. It would be bad if we were late to class on the first day."

The walk to class is short, but we pass someone from my Physics class last year. I don't remember his name, but his shaken eyes are burned into my memory. I don't notice my sharp breath.

"You okay?" Tobias asks.

"I'm fine," I say with a smile. Now isn't the time to deal with this. I know if he knew what really was bothering me, he would pull me aside and miss his first class. "First day back… Nervous. I just need to get to class. I'll see you after?"

"Yup."

We go to our separate classrooms and I pull out my notebook. A syllabus lands on my desk, but I skim it and ignore my teacher. With my nerves and stress rising, I know the thing that will calm me down is to draw. Its effect is immediate and I am swept away with lead curves and grey shades.

When the bell rings, I see Tobias waiting outside the door.

"I don't believe you," He says.

"What?"

"I know there's something on your mind."

I slow my pace. I have calmed myself but I can't act the way I did and leave him in the dark. We told each other no more secrets. Christina was right. Even though we are friends, that will be a bitter taste.

"It's hard being back after…" For some reason it is hard to say, but I know he will understand.

"I understand. It is going to be all right, I promise. This is a safe place, but I'm here for you when you need me."

"Thanks. Christina has been convincing me stop burying things down. It's not exactly easy, and I don't quite understand it. I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure how that could be."

"It's not going to be easy, but it will be alright. I will see you later at lunch. Okay?"

I nod and walk away with a small smile. It isn't new to me that Tobias is there for me, like I am for him, but there is comfort in his words. With everything I have been through and have gotten through, there is still a spark of doubt that only verbal confirmation can extinguish it.

Later, my heart skips as I walk through the doors of the new art room. Since it is an advanced class, we are immediately sent away with an assignment. Just as I am about to start, our teacher says one last thing.

"Before you begin, I want to leave you with one piece of advice. Close your eyes. Don't see the darkness. See the endless possibilities. It doesn't matter what you think you can or cannot do. Keep your mind wide open, and anything can happen."

I used to not be very good at art, but that never mattered. I am now… but that isn't the point. No matter how anybody says it, there is a special kind of joy that comes with creating something. The best thing is that each person is different and the things they create are different. In a way, I've already won in this world because I'm the only one who can be me. And that is how it is supposed to be.

Satisfied with my work as the bell rings, I walk to lunch. I arrive after the majority of the others and am pleasantly surprised with the fact that most of my friends have the same lunch.

"Zeke and I have already talked to our mom, and she's cool with everyone coming over after the game tomorrow."

I sit down next to Tobias, feeling high from my art class. "You sure losing won't kill your vibe?"

"We aren't going to lose."

"So you say."

My eyes trail around me as I unpack my lunch from my bag. I stop when I see a girl sitting alone.

She catches my attention because I recognize something in her. Sometimes people get sad about things and we don't like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes we are sad but really don't know we are sad, so we say we aren't sad but we really are.

"Who's that?" I say, still looking at her.

"That's Nita," Christina says. "She went to middle school with all of us, but when high school it, she went to some private, all-girls school. But I heard she got kicked out after vandalizing a statue on school grounds. Now she's back here."

"She looks lonely. Does she have any friends? Anyone to sit with?"

"Not really. She never really talked to anyone after she left."

"I'll talk to her." I stand and begin to walk toward her. She is sad, angry too. She wants to scream, she wants to burst into tears, she wants to get drunk and kill herself. But all she can do is stare at a wall in silence.

"Hey," I say when I reach her.

She looks almost put off by my attempt to talk with her, but nonetheless, she replies, "Hi."

"I'm Tris."

"Nita."

"Are you waiting for someone to join you?"

"Yes, but I don't think they are coming."

"I can keep you company until then." I slide into the seat across from her. She eyes me suspiciously. I am not know who this person is across from me, but I know the need for help in her eyes. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to be near them.

"It looks like they aren't coming."

"Well, would you want to join me and my friends? They can be a little obnoxious and intimidating, but they're good people."

She looks behind me at the table of my friends. "Thanks, but I am going to stick to my table here. I am supposed to be getting a phone call soon, anyway."

"Well, if you ever change your mind, let me know."

I walk away from her and back to the table. They all look at me, not needing to ask, but wanting to know what I said.

"I asked her if she wanted to sit with us, but she didn't want to."

"Tris, I think it's for the best. She's never been the most… stable person."

"What's that supposed to me?"

"Nothing. She did have some friends before she left, but they must be in a different lunch."

"Okay." But I am not convinced. She was me a year ago. No one to sit with and no one to talk to.

"Tris, you can't help everyone."

"Yeah, but everyone can help someone." The phrase makes me pause. My mom. My mom would tell me that when I was younger and didn't know better. Now, and after the year I have had, all I can think to do is pay it forward like she would have wanted me to do.


We arrive amongst the dinner crowd to a café on the inner parts of the city. Bob has an office downtown, so we are meeting him.

We tell the hostess our reservation name and her face lights up.

"Part of your party is already here! I will lead you to your table."

We weave through the crowd of tables and Tori spots Bob. He stands when he sees us. He wears a three piece suit with the jacket hanging on the chair behind him. I am glad Tori convinced me to change into my black midi dress. Just looking at Bob in his attire and the group of people around me, this is a nice place. Bob's choice to come here.

"Tori," he says when we reach him. "And you must be Tris. I have heard a lot about you."

"Hopefully not too much."

He laughs. "Nonetheless, it is so nice to finally meet you."

"It is nice to meet you, too. This place is really nice."

"Well, I normally prefer to take Tori to the burger place down the road—more casual—but this is a special occasion."

We take a seat.

"So, Tris," Tori says, "how was your first day?"

"It was okay, a little boring, but nothing too out of the ordinary."

"How about that new art class?"

Immediately, I feel my face lighten and I smile hard. "It was great. My teacher is amazing. And she really knows how to make you think. We have a big project this semester where we design a piece to get auctioned off at IKEA."

"That's exciting."

"Yeah, the person who designs each piece decides where the money goes… they get to choose where the money gets donated."

"Have you thought about what you wanted to do?"

"Not quite. I am thinking about Walk a Mile. I don't even know if what I make will even be bought."

"That's crazy," says Tori. "You are so good."

"Really," says Bob. "Anything in particular that you like?"

"I like sketching in my book. It's the best because I can do it at a drop of a hat whenever I am feeling down."

"Interesting. A couple of colleges of mine have looked into the advantages of art therapy."

I freeze. For some reason, the thought of therapy makes me cringe. I have only been a few times, by force, but it was never comforting. And it never appeared to help.

Tori notices my indifference. "Bob is a therapist; I told you that, Tris."

"Yeah, I knew that, I just…" I don't want to seem rude, and I want to get the attention off myself. "What do you like about it?"

"Oh, I haven't been asked that in a long time, but I'll tell you a secret… the answer never changes."

"What is it?"

"The easy way to put it is I like to help people, but I think it is a little deeper than that. So many people wish to help those who are gone but refuse to notice the ones that are fading. I don't want someone to reach that point before they get help."

"That's… interesting." Damn. It feels like he is looking into me and reading me. I don't like it. But it is an odd feeling. Kind people have a way of working their way inside me and rooting there.

"What do you think about that?" Tori asks me.

"It's cool." I look away.

Bob says, "You are more than welcome to visit the office."

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't think it's necessary."

"The door is always open."


Author's Note

Happy 3 year anniversary! In honor of this special day, tell me your favorite part of Finding the Strength so far! And what you hope happens in the future! Please review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure how that could be. –Perks of Being a Wallflower, book

Congratulations to: It Slowly Faded Away, KaiAnn (Guest)

There are 3 (television show, person, book) quotes in this chapter.