I do not own anything, just my ideas.

Chapter 59

TOBIAS

Week 5 || 5-0

We win by a land slide. It was almost unfair. I only played the first three quarters, then coach put in the second string players. I stand on the sides. I have this rule that I do not look into the stands – it's distracting.

She is distracting. She is distracting, but in the best way. Because I see her, and she is immense in every way.

But it is because I see her that I know something is wrong.

I used to have this watch that I loved because it was a gift from my mom. I wore it all the time, even when I was not supposed to. One day it stopped working. That battery died, or something like that, and I knew the exact moment it happened. The thing with broken clocks is you can always tell exactly when they stopped ticking. With people, it isn't so easy and sometimes you can't even tell they're broken.

I can't accuse her of being broken, because, honestly, aren't we all?


Week 6 || 6-0

I place my finger on the cut on my face. It is high up on my cheek, and it stings lightly.

He hit me again.

I take the sanitized napkin and rub it along my open skin. It is minor, and I only clean it up because it makes Tris feel better about it all.

I run through my head of the different ways I could have cut myself like this.

I fell and landed on the corner of a table.

That's a good one.

I dial my phone to call her. She is the one that can make me feel like a person. I hesitate. My fingers stop pressing the buttons. I can't breathe.

I go the window and open it. I need air.

I call Tris.

"Hello?"

I can't say words, but she already knows.

"Don't worry. I will be right there."

Once she arrives, we leave the house. She takes us the boardwalk at Lincoln Park. We walk it round and round.

It is nice.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

"I love you."

I smile and say, "I love you more."

"I love you most."

"I love you mostest."

"I love you more than the mostest."

"And I love you more than that."

She laughs and turns to me. She brings her hand to my face. Almost as if she pulls out the bad, I relax.

She stares at me with eyes that do not hold pity for me. She knows because she has been there. Sometimes I think she is still in that bad place, but her eyes are stormy and like water.

I look around. Fall is starting to show itself for the first time all year. Nature during fall is something special. Admirable. Inspiring. My mom used to say, Notice how the trees do not cling to their leaves; fall is about releasing the old to make way for the new.

If only it was as easy as it sounds.


Week 7 || 7-0

Zeke and I stand next to each other, leading our team in the traditional pregame pump up. The warm up is complete, and I can hear the home field crowd cheering for us to take the field. I am buzzed with energy.

I feel good. Comfortable. At ease. Content.

But not satisfied.

Maybe I will be satisfied after we win.

My teammates scream and shout. The feeling is intoxicating. The competitive drive starts filling inside me. I feel like I could jump and run and do this every day for the rest of my life.

We march onto the field in our normal way.

I peer towards the crowd. I will only do it before the game to soak up its energy, then I focus on the four quarters ahead of me. I scan around. My eyes lock in on Tris. She is at the edge of the student section, as she has been the last 6 games, per our deal. We have not lost, and I plan to keep it that way.

I am taken aback. She is standing there, but she is not really there. I think she is fading, or maybe it is me that is fading.

I bend down to feel the turf underneath me. I close my eyes and drawn in the noise. This is my sanctuary. This is where I am happy and on top and not afraid. Yet I feel like I don't belong to these people.

Sometimes I wish I was more than just the football guy.


Week 8 || 8-0

We run along the 606, Tris and I. After last night's win, Tris suggested a light run along the park path to destress and clear my mind. There was a college recruiter watching the game—in fact, there was more than one. The thing is, the recruiters do not bother me because they are people – relatable, personable, people. My father in the stands… now that is a different matter entirely.

He is the opposite of personable. He is the opposite of relatable. At least, he seems that way when it is him and I. He is a monster. Monsters used to be scary because they hid in dark closets and under the bed. When you're little, night time is scary because of the dark and the scary and monsters. When you're older, the monsters are different—self-doubt, regret. And though I am older and stronger, I am still afraid of the darkness.

It is early morning, and fall is right around the corner, yet the sun still shines bright and beads of sweat form at my forehead. Tris and I run in pace together. We pass different people walking their dogs and pushing through early Saturday morning workouts, and we are passed by people riding on bicycles.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She says.

"Talk about what?"

"The game. The recruiters… your dad?"

"There is nothing to talk about. I want to clear my head."

"Okay," she says, defeated. Like she did something wrong.

She does not deserve to get my shit bag thrown on her. A shit bag is an imaginary thing that builds and builds whenever bad or annoying or frustrating things happen. The bag gets bigger and bigger until I can't keep holding it by myself and I throw it on the person that does not deserve it. And the worst part is the person that does not deserve it is the same person that you love the most.

"Tris, wait," I say.

She slows down her pace to a walk. A brisk one, at that. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For throwing my sh—my nothing. I am stressed out about the whole football thing and my dad and…" I stop and pull her to stop next to me. I place my hands on her shoulders, making her face me. "You are the person in my corner, and I shouldn't act like you are another person asking me questions and pushing me a certain way."

"It's okay, really. I have not been feeling myself either."

"Is there something I can do?" I only want to be there for her. I want to make the clear without being overbearing.

"No," she says abruptly. Then she smiles. It is a beautiful smile. It is there, right in front of me, yet it feels far away.

She shakes herself and pulls away from me.

She starts walking faster, and it turns into a run.

"Race ya?!" She says back to me.

She goes faster and faster. I chase after her blonde ponytail.

I worry about her, in a way a loved one does. I guess I keep waiting for the day when she throws her shit bag on me. I want her to because I think she is holding it back, as if she want to figure it out on her own. Of course she wants to do it on her own. She can't and I will not let her.

"Tris!" I yell.

She turns her head to look at me and in a brief second I see the dark clouds, the stormy sea, her blue eyes look at me. At that same moment, she loses her footing, trips, and falls to the ground.

Tris gives a small yelp, and I quickly run to her side. Her knee is all scraped up and there is blood. She lifts up her arms, squints in pain, and I see the road rash up and down from her elbows to her wrists.

"Damn, are you okay?"

"It hurts, but I am fine. Just some cuts."

I look at her eyes. The clouds are gone, but the waves of water are still choppy.

"Tris. Are you okay?"

"I will be."

Most of the cuts are superficial and should heal in a week or two. The length of recovery is determined by the extent of the injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal.


Author's Note

I apologize for the extremely long delay. But some big things have been and are happening. I have officially graduated college, starting my first big girl job in just a few short weeks and moving into my dream apartment in a big city. (And I am TOTALLY having a Taylor Swift, Mean moment over here!) Thank you for the continued support to the readers still out there.

Some thoughts for this story, and I have been thinking a lot. I started it back when I was still a high school student and it feels like it has blinked by. I think there will be a few more short chapters that finally lead to the Epilogue.

Be brave, everyone.


QUOTES

1). The sun persist in rising, so I make myself stand. –The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Poster, movie poster

2). There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more. –Grey's Anatomy, television show

3). And we start slow, the way we tend to do. Because the run, the game, could go on for a while. Maybe even forever. That's the thing, we just don't know. Forever can be so many different things. –The Truth about Forever, book

4). When you're little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. –Grey's Anatomy, television show

Congratulations to: It'sHardIKnow, Eunice339, twowingsforever and sunlightstars

There are 2 (television show*, television show*) quotes in this chapter.

*Hint: Same television show!