I do not own anything, just my ideas.
Chapter 60
TRIS
I think there is something wrong with the world. There are so many sad eyes on happy faces. I can't decide at which moment the world seemed to slip from a promise to a threat. Everything is so urgent, so rushed. I hate the lack of control.
My mom liked to tell me that everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up other's lives, but I don't know why she didn't want to be the moon to brighten in the darkest hour. Maybe people lose the moon while counting the stars. And maybe that is why it feels like the days come sooner and the time passes faster.
Soda becomes vodka and bikes turn into cars and lollipops become cigarettes. Dad's shoulders used to be the tallest place on earth, and the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees.
I think all of us want to feel something that we've forgotten or turned our backs on because maybe we didn't realize how much we were leaving behind.
It is strange that no matter how hard I try to think one way, my mind effortlessly takes over with its own agenda. I try my best to hide it—to use the things Bob taught me to be in control. Whenever I feel the black come, I build my courage and try to steady my heart.
It makes me so tired.
When the black comes, it isn't really a darkness. There's tingling that travels all around my body, and even though my veins are dancing with nerves, all I can do is sit still. My heart beats so fast and my breaths come so quickly, I am afraid I will break. My thoughts evaporate from my mind, and it takes everything in me not to explode in screams and tears and curl into a ball. It feels like time isn't moving, but I am.
And it is no one's fault but my own.
There are moments when you're in so deep, it's easier to just swim down.
I want to fight it, but I do not know if I have it in me.
It is not until I hear someone say, Help! that I feel stronger. I run to where the noise originates. I appear in an alley, where there is dark and sharp edges and shadows.
The shadows shape into a man, and he charges toward me. My heart beat races and my vision blurs. I feel dizzy, and I try to run or grasp onto anything in front of me. Yet the air is gone from my lungs. And I realize in this moment, I am not brave.
I am not strong. I am afraid.
Author's Note
Short chapter, but that was on purpose. This is a very big turning point in the story, with the end close in sight. Thank you to everyone who is still reading.
Be brave, everyone.
QUOTES
1). The length of recovery is determined by the extent of the injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. – Grey's Anatomy, television series
2). When you're little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. Self-doubt, loneliness, regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. –Grey's Anatomy, television show
***I was on a bit of a Grey's Anatomy splurge***
Congratulations to: No one guessed!
There are 2 (movie, musical) quotes in this chapter.
