I do not own anything, just my ideas.
Chapter 61
TOBIAS
The days had been going by in a blur.
When it happened, I knew something was wrong when Tris did not call.
We have this habit of talking to each other on the phone every night. I have football practice after school so I tend to call her on my way home. She didn't pick up at first, but that isn't abnormal for her. She also has her own habits – like putting her phone down and not looking at it for hours.
But it was late.
And she had been distant.
She seemed happy and looked happy, but just because someone looks happy, doesn't mean they are. Even a white rose has a black shadow.
I knew she was hiding her shadow, but the more she pushed it down, the harder it pushed back.
When my phone finally rang, it was not Tris. It was Tori. And my stomach dropped.
I make three swift knocks on the door.
Bob answers and lets me in. Tori is sitting on the couch; there are dark circles under her eyes.
"She's my responsibility. How could I have not seen this?" she mutters.
She sees me and reaches out.
"What happened?" I ask.
Tori was very vague on the phone. It was not the first time she has called with bad news.
"She was walking home and she heard someone call out for help. I guess it was a ruse because there was a man waiting to mug her. The moment Tris turned into the alley, he jumped her. Luckily, a police officer was patrolling when Tris pulled out the key fob with the alert button on it. She was able to fend him off long enough for someone to come help her."
"Is she okay?"
"The paramedic that came to the scene said that the adrenaline pushed her through, but afterward she collapsed from the lack of energy. She has a black eye and some bruises . . . physically, she'll be okay."
Tori continues, but I already know what is coming next. Physically, Tris is going to be okay. But, mentally is another story.
"Being confronted by that thug, it triggered something deep inside of her that she has been pushing down. Just look at all she has been through in the last few months: the trial, getting hit by a car, the school shooting, David – it is all catching up with her."
Bob steps forward. "She had been coming to see me, unofficially. It was our secret – I was hoping it would help her to trust me – but some of her behaviors and our conversations have raised flags. She will have to go to another doctor, but I think she has PTSD."
"We have an appointment next week," Tori adds.
I blurt out, "I want to see her."
"I don't know about that. She is really tired and needs her rest."
"Despite what she says, she does not have to be alone. She's been struggling all by herself even though I have been right here."
"Don't do that to yourself, Tobias. I was feeling the same way, but it only makes it worse." Tori looks down, looks at Bob, then looks at me. "You're right, she shouldn't be alone."
I move past them to Tris' room.
I want to make it better for her. I love her and she loves me, but it's not that simple. Nothing between the two of us has been simple.
"Tris?" I say when I'm outside of her room. I give it a second and then walk in.
I see her stormy, blue eyes first—dazed and unfocused. They lack their normal sharpness.
She sits on her bed. Her hair is damp from the shower Tori must've made her take. I get a whiff of her body wash. She always says she wants to try a new scent, but every time she goes back to fresh magnolias and jasmine. The smell knocks me out of focus, but the dark marks on her face bring me back.
"Tris," I say again. "Please, it's me."
She should want to scream or burst into tears or kick down the walls. But all she can do is stare at the walls in silence.
How did we get here?
"I know that you are in there. I know you are fighting. And I know you think you are lost. But look at where we are and look at where we started. I don't pretend to know the challenges you've faced. Just let me stay here by your side; that would be enough."
I sit on the bed next to her. I push the hair out of her face and behind her ear – a habit I do with her. She doesn't look at me and doesn't move. I pull a soft blanket over her – because she seems to always be cold – and I wrap my arms around her, bringing her close and applying pressure similar to a weighted blanket. She may not know it, but I feel her muscles relax.
I want to apologize – as if all of it were my fault, as if I could have done better or been better – but there is no way to undo a mistake and it is rare to forgive yourself. Of course, saying I'm sorry doesn't always cut it because it is used in so many ways—as a weapon and as an excuse.
Logically, I understand that I shouldn't blame myself, but nothing is sunshine and rainbows. It can be possible for two people to share an umbrella and survive the storm together.
I feel a sudden strength while holding her. I need to be here for her and I want to be. I feel selfless forgetting myself and my own troubles to focus my attention on her. Not to discredit my feelings and what I've been through, but to understand and make the judgment that something and someone else may be more important than my fears.
Time passes and I realize: when we are truly sorry and when it is used right.
When we mean it.
When our actions say what words never can.
When we get it right, I'm sorry is perfect. It's salvation.
"I'm sorry, Tris."
"Thank you," she eventually says – because she knows. "I wanted to do it on my own. I wanted to make you proud. I didn't want to be a burden."
"The last thing you could ever be is a burden."
"That doesn't change the way I feel," she says, then she's quiet.
Finally, she says, "I wanted to forget. In my head, forgetting means moving on. But even when I thought I had, pieces kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hinted at the shipwreck below."
And I see it. She isn't bitter or angry. She's sad, though. But it is a hopeful sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
Author's Note
Thank you to the readers that are still out there.
It is a very exciting time – both in this story and my own life. I feel like this chapter and the next one have some serious character development and turning points. Which means we are close to the end. Additionally, I have finally settled into my big girl job and my new big girl apartment. (You all should see this view; it is breathtaking!)
Let me know what you guys think! I have a majority of the next chapter written – for a while, actually – so it should be out sooner rather than later.
Be brave, everyone.
QUOTES
1). I think all of us want to feel something that we've forgotten or turned our backs on because maybe we didn't realize how much we were leaving behind. –13 Going on 30, movie
2). There are moments when you are in so deep, it is easier to just swim down." –"Quiet Uptown" from Hamilton, musical
Congratulations to: It'sHardIKnow and Azzy46
There are 3 (musical, television show, book) quotes in this chapter.
