LOTR: Drunk and Disorderly
Gimli went into the Mead hall of Rohan and plopped down two dwarven coins. The bartender looked at him like he was nuts but took the money. After downing considerable amounts of beer, Gimli was challenged by newcomer Ravin. A slender Nord of about forty years of age. He hailed from Skyrim and was looking for a challenge
"No one can out drink a son of Thror! Come then, let's drink!" cried Gimli with passion as the crowd roared in approval. Ravin sat down, his beard trailing to the floor. He yawned.
The mile high pints were served and the rules set. No puking, no brawls and no bathroom use until the contest was over. Having been underground for years, Gimli's bladder was rumored to be made of Iron and rock instead of flesh. The first round consisted of Ent Bark, Elven blood and a drop of Dwarven ale, said to be so extremely hight in sugar that only it was deemed illegal in Middle Earth and only allowed on Holidays once per year and only then in droplet form. Ravin simply knocked it back and smiled. Fourteen pints later, he began to feel woozy as the sugar reacted to the contents of his stomach then as if Zeus had punched him in the gut, vomited a mile long row of something nasty and felt as if dead.
Upon inspection, this thing was an incredibly deadly form of alcohol known to the Nords as "Witches brew". Said to be made from pain, fury and the rage of Alduin himself, along with peaches, rum and raisins. It could cripple all but the most powerful man. Ravin had been guzzling it for years and had built up an immunity. Unfortunately, Gimli took a sip...
At first nothing happened, then Gimli started to see red, green and blue as well as rainbow, then he began tripping balls as if on acid, then turned to see Aragorn, except now Aragorn had a mushroom for a head and spider legs. Legolas looked like a dwarven version of Jared Leto. The table salt began talking to him and Gimli chatted happily with the inanimate object, causing the others to snicker. Eventually he got into an argument with a tree over Mithril vs Gold and the crap seemed to stop.
Then things got really weird. He began singing about a cave of gold, to the west of Angband, favored by princes and kings of old, across streams and mighty kin, lay the trove of Gondolin.
Of course this caused would be adventurers to seek it out, then be horribly massacred by a dragon and their bodies used as fertilizer. He began drinking more than usual. The bartender eventually had to special order a case of Snake Venom to get him to stop. Gimli drank it and fell down unconscious. The next morning he woke up and vomited fire, causing the Bar to burn down and be rebuilt with Oak wood.
"How long has he been in there?" asked Frodo. Gimli was locked inside the restroom, screaming in pain as the mother of all hangovers hit him.
"Sweet Mother of Thror! My HEAD! WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DRINK IF NOT THAT BLACK MAGIC!? I CAN'T FEEL MY STOMACH, MY STOMACH IS IN MY SHOES! O MERCY!
Ravin likewise, was in the hospital with a severely damaged liver. Eru poured the grace of the Valar into his body but that got him even more drunk. He began fighting the doctors in charge of his care and busted out of the hospital. He challenged Gimli again and this time both of them began to go on an epic Sugar induced acid trip. When it wore off, they found themselves deep inside mordor, in a werewolf cave. They froze.
"It's ok mate, we like the stuff. Half the place is too smashed to eat ya" came a voice
Gimli and Ravin turned, the werewolf was talking
"I must be stoned, please Eru tell me i'm stoned. The wolf is talking"
"Relax mate, we're all friends here. have a Pipe eh?"
Gimli and Ravin sat down to have a smoke. The tobacco was more than they were used to and put them out like lights.
"Poor sods, new to Marlboro. Aw well, they'll wake up tomorrow. I'm smashed and need a tic"
The wolf went outside to relieve himself and a hunter appeared
"Oi prick, I'm trying to-"
A gunshot was heard and the werewolf fell dead. The pair woke up back in rohan.
It tooks weeks of nicotine patches and therapy but eventually they came around. Gimli went right back to drinking and so did Ravin. It was always the same, a round of beers, then snake venom, rinse and repeat.
Gandalf looked at Frodo with disbelief, It was going to be a hard year.
