Her Regret
For those new here, this is part of my larger Hopes, Dreams, And DETERMINATION universe. It might be confusing if you try to read it alone. Basically, Frisk and her little sister Tina's parents had been drug addicts and severely neglectful and at times emotionally abusive due to this. After Frisk and later Tina fell into Mt. Ebott, they were adopted by Toriel and Asgore, and had no contact with their birth parents, who were arrested for drug use and chlid endangerment.
For some reason, the idea of writing about Frisk and Tina's mother came to me after seeing the prompt word "pills." It might have possibly have been reading my friend July's redemption fic of King Candy from Wreck It Ralph. I thought about how Frisk's mother could have turned her life around. The regrets she would have had after getting clean and getting out of prison, especially when it came to how she treated her daughters, and then I had the idea for her meeting Frisk and Tina again when Frisk was soon to be a mother. I know this is probably going to be controversial, but I hope you guys enjoy!
...
Lola Bardales, once Adams, sighed in relief as she walked through the mall after her shift at the sporting goods store, glad her shift was over. It had been a tough day, but after she had been released from prison, she was glad some place had been willing to hire her so she could pay for groceries and rent on her crappy apartment.
Still, she was making an honest living now, and had been sober and clean for almost nine years. She had pulled herself out of the hole she had put herself in so many years ago after having sunk so far to the bottom. After having not only destroyed her own life but nearly the lives of the two girls she had borne.
She hadn't spoken to Frisk and Tina since the fateful week the girls had disappeared into Mt. Ebott so many years ago, and only seen them in newspaper articles and during her and her ex husband's trial. They hadn't wanted any contact with her or their father, and she couldn't blame them.
Frisk had written her a letter once, basically saying that she had hurt her, but also that she had come to forgive her and Lola was big enough to admit she had cried. But still she couldn't bring herself to write back to her daughter. She wanted to apologize, but no apology would ever be good enough for what she put the girls through.
Plus, they were happy without her in their life. She had seen some of their lives with the monsters through little newspaper articles and word from others. Tina was in high school and Frisk was married now, to that tall skeleton boy she had been sitting next to during the trial. Papyrus, she thought his name was. She had heard somewhere that they were expecting their first child too. She had torn out the wedding announcement in the paper and tucked it away, along with any articles she had found about the girls and the monsters, the honor roll list Tina was on, and the little slice of life article about a mural of Tina's winning a competition.
She wished she could tell them that she was proud of them. Proud of how they had overcome everything in their life, including everything she had put them through, and become successful and happy. But the mother whose opinion mattered to them was not her.
She had had her chance for fifteen years to be a good mother, and she had failed. And life had no erasers.
A cheerful teenage voice cut through her thoughts. "Frisk, Chara, we gotta go to Baby World! I saw the CUTEST onesie in the window! It was blue with a bulldozer on it and it read, "I DIG my Mommy! It'll be perfect for my little nephews!"
Lola gasped slightly, then ducked behind a pillar as a group of very familiar faces came up. Tina, now a beautiful teenage girl with long wavy brown hair, wearing a ruffled pink sleeveless top and torn blue jeans, led the line with a skeleton girl with glowing cyan hair wearing a black spaghetti strap top with a jean skirt. Lola recognized her as Felicity, one of Tina and Frisk's adoptive sisters.
The girls' adoptive mother Toriel walked behind them, along with a very pregnant Frisk, who had her now long brown hair tied in a ponytail and was wearing a Baby On Board shirt. Next to her was her other adopted sister, Chara, who also looked to be pregnant, though less far along than Frisk. She had a shirt reading Pregosaurus on it.
"Guys, slow down! I can only move at a waddle!" Frisk said with a laugh. Toriel chuckled and offered her her arm as they walked towards the baby store.
Lola found herself, almost against her will, following them. She kept out of their sight, knowing none of them would want to see her, but she just wanted to look at Frisk and Tina some more. To see them.
To see what she had given up.
So, pretending to look around, she quietly made her way into the store, listening for them. She spotted them by the onesies, cooing over the tiny garments.
"Aww! Hey Chara, this one has a little volcano that looks like Vulkin on it and it says, "I lava you!" Felicity called out happily, holding out a little white onesie to Chara.
"Nice! Sans is gonna get a kick out of that one." Chara said with a grin, putting it in the cart.
"Get this one too." Frisk suggested with a smile, holding out a baby onesie that had an acute angle with I'm A-Cute Baby on it. Her eyes then widened happily at the next ones she saw. "Oh my gosh, I have to get this set!" She held out two baby onesies with doughnuts on it, claiming that the baby was Mommy/Daddy's "hole" everything."
"Papyrus is going to scream when we bring all these home." Chara chuckled, pulling out a few more onesies.
"Only when Sans is looking. You know he secretly loves puns too." Frisk grinned. "Plus, he's not going to deny Baby is our everything." She lay her hand on her tummy tenderly, making Lola's heart ache.
Motherhood suited Frisk. Despite the huge belly and swollen feet, she could see how her daughter practically glowed with happiness. How much she clearly loved the baby she was carrying, loved them like she had loved Tina.
Lola remembered being sixteen and scared, in denial as she watched her own stomach grow. She had been kicked out by her foster parents at around six months when she could no longer hide it, though Frisk's father, Eric Adams, had surprisingly stayed with them. They had found the craphole house they had lived in for so long and she had given birth to Frisk in a low income clinic, feeling scared and helpless, but unable to bring herself to put Frisk up for adoption, even though she probably should have.
Raising a child in near poverty was hard. When she and Eric had no help, it was even harder. Lola had no example to look up to, no knowledge of what to do or how to comfort Frisk when she cried. Even though it wasn't Frisk's fault whatsoever, she resented her for being born. For losing the chance to live her dreams.
But it wasn't because of Frisk and never had been. It had been because of her. She was the one who had chosen to numb her feelings through booze and pills rather than finding a healthy way to heal. Her who gave up her chance to better herself, to become a better person and parent than her own parents were.
She had let herself down. She had let her daughters down.
Frisk however, didn't. At nine, she had been pretty much the one to raise Tina when Lola and Eric became frustrated with the constant crying and responsibility. When Tina cried at night, it was Frisk who went to her. Frisk who carried her in for breastfeeding or bottle fed her. Frisk who changed her. Frisk who taught Tina to walk and talk.
And it was Frisk who Tina looked at when she said her first word, "Ma-Ma."
And instead of taking care of Tina themselves with Frisk helping around the house a little bit, Lola and Eric had taken the opportunity to relive their teenage years, getting drunk and high, too lost in addiction to care for anything else.
And she had shown the worst of herself to her daughters, who only wanted to make her proud. Snapped at them when she was withdrawn and they needed something. Ignored them when they were upset. Left them alone for days at a time.
She had been the woman who birthed them, but she didn't deserve to call herself a mother.
Still when Frisk called, "Mom! Look at these booties, they're adorable!" across the store, she couldn't help but look up.
But of course it wasn't her she was talking to but Toriel.
Lola's heart ached as she watched Toriel hurry over to Frisk and Chara, who were looking at the booties while Tina and Felicity were cooing over baby toys in the next aisle. "I know! Aren't they precious?" the goat woman told Frisk. "I remember when Asriel used to be that small. I bought him booties just like those." She chuckled. "He hated them."
"He did?" Frisk asked curiously.
Toriel nodded with a laugh. "Every time I put them on him, he'd kick them across the room. Even kicked your father in the face when he tried to put them back on once."
"Oh my gosh." Chara chuckled. Her phone dinged and she pulled it out. "Hey, Sans just sent me a picture." She opened it and laughed. "Looks like Lucida's having fun painting the nursery with her daddy and uncle. She's absolutely covered in paint and she got little yellow handprints from the paint Papyrus was using for the stars on the ceiling all over the wall they just painted."
Frisk took a look at Chara's phone and laughed. "That's so cute! Hey, text them and tell them not to paint over Lucida's handprints. I want to keep them. It'll be a cute memory to save."
"On it." Chara told her.
Frisk thanked her, then picked out several pairs of booties as Chara did the same. "Okay, we got a bunch of onesies, some booties, some baby socks..." She glanced to Toriel. "What's next, Mom?"
Lola didn't hear what Toriel said next, lost in her own memories. How little Frisk used to look at her like she now looked at Toriel. She remembered five year old Frisk sitting next to her on the couch, wanting to learn how to sew just like her mommy was doing. How she had been underfoot often, wanting to help cook. Lola, depending on her mood, found it both endearing and annoying how Frisk would shadow her. During the good days, the ones she now wished she had made more of, she taught Frisk to sew. Held her up so she could stir the macaroni noodles and ate lunch with her daughter. But the good days were overshadowed by the haze of drugs, by the pain of withdrawals, and more often than not she told Frisk to go play and leave her alone. Frisk would, but she'd always come back.
Until the day she broke Frisk's heart for good.
Frisk had been so happy that day she came home from kindergarten. She had written all her letters correctly and neatly, and got a gold star on her test and an opportunity to choose a toy from the treasure box. She had picked out a little storybook and had happily showed her paper and the book to Lola. She had been irritable from withdrawal and pretty much brushed off Frisk's accomplishment with a "That's nice, Frisk." And then as she lay down to take a nap on the couch, Frisk had shyly asked if she could read the storybook to her, just wanting to spend time with her, and Lola had snapped at her. She had yelled at her five year old daughter to stop being so annoying all the time and to go away. Frisk's eyes had filled with tears, then she ran. For a second, Lola had wanted to run after her and apologize, but she was tired and cranky and reasoned that she'd sleep it off and Frisk would probably just brush it off and bounce back like she always did.
But she hadn't.
After that, Frisk stopped trusting her. She no longer shadowed her and was no longer cheerful and happy around her, becoming quiet and withdrawn. She still helped sometimes, but barely spoke while she did so, and Lola just let her without ever apologizing or trying to make it right. Somewhere around that time, Frisk stopped calling her Mommy.
By the time Tina was born, Frisk had stopped calling her anything at all.
Both she and Eric fell more and more into drug use, while Frisk took on more and more responsibility. They began pretty much depending on her to take care of both herself and her sister. Lola recalled with shame that they had never even once told her "thank you."
Soon Frisk was raising Tina pretty much alone while Lola and Eric wasted away their life getting high and having parties. Frisk called her out for this when she was twelve, asking Lola to actually act like a mom after she had stupidly left out her pills and three year old Tina had nearly gotten a hold of them. Lola had had the chance to apologize, to at least attempt to make things right, but she hadn't. When Frisk threatened to call CPS, angry from withdrawal and being called out, and terrified of going to prison like she deserved, Lola had once again torn into her preteen daughter after having knocked over her toddler, who was only trying to keep her from getting sick from the "bad pills." She called Frisk a brat, angrily told her Tina would be taken away and both of them would be thrown into bad foster homes if she called CPS, just like she herself had been.
Lola closed her eyes in shame, remembering the cold last words she had said to Frisk in that argument.
"You can call me a shit mother, Frisk, and I'll admit I probably am, but I'm the best a kid like you's ever gonna get."
She had borne two wonderful, amazing children, and that had been how she treated them. She had been just like her own parents, hurting children who didn't deserve to be hurt.
Frisk had stayed away from her after that, raising Tina like Lola's oldest brother Alex had taken care of her when they still lived together. Frisk gave up on Lola entirely, but like her older sister had so long ago, little Tina had tried to reach out to Lola too, and Lola had ignored her as well.
Even when Frisk had disappeared for a week after falling into Mt. Ebott.
And then Tina disappeared too, they were arrested, just like they deserved, and the girls came back with the monsters.
It had taken being arrested and years of talking to the prison therapist to make Lola confront how horrible she had been. How badly she had hurt the girls. How she was to blame for ruining not only her own life, but her daughters'.
Frisk and Tina healed and moved on. Lola was glad for that. But there was nothing to erase what she and Eric had done. She wished more than anything she could go back to the day Frisk was five and wanted her to read her that book. She wished she could tell herself to say yes. To read Frisk that story and hold that precious little girl in her arms as long as she could. To throw those stupid pills in the trash and force Eric to quit too. To raise her daughters as she wished she had been raised. To give Tina a hug every time she asked for one instead of pushing her away and admire the drawings Tina had once done for her instead of leaving them on the table, forgetting about them, and then throwing them away.
To go after Frisk when she fell in Mt. Ebott.
Tears filled her eyes as a future that could never be filled her mind. Her being the first one Frisk told about getting married. Helping her pick out her wedding dress and watching with pride as she walked down the aisle. Guiding Tina through growing up, braiding her hair, helping her find her first dance dress.
Getting the call that Frisk was pregnant.
Shopping with Frisk and Tina for baby clothes, just like Toriel was doing right now.
But of course it would never be. And even if she could reset time, it would simply be sacrificing her daughter's happiness for her own, just like she always had.
The tears fell down now, and Lola turned and ran. Finding the bathroom, which was mercifully empty, she stood at the sink and sobbed, looking at the broken woman in the mirror.
And then the bathroom door opened.
"Calm down, Nugget. Mommy's bladder isn't a trampoline." Frisk's voice cooed to her baby. Lola froze and looked over to her, and as Frisk's bright brown eyes met Lola's tear stained ones, Frisk too froze in shock, her hand, which had been resting on her stomach, tightening protectively.
Lola swallowed, her throat dry. Somehow she managed to smile. "Hey, Frisk."
Frisk opened her mouth, then closed it again. Lola could see her mind filtering through responses. Finally she spoke, her voice wary. "Hey."
"How are you doing? I-I heard you were expecting your first child." Lola asked awkwardly.
"Um, yeah, I'm fine." Frisk replied, looking just as awkward as her birth mother. "Look, I gotta..." She pointed towards one of the stalls.
"R-Right. Sorry." Lola answered, quickly letting her pass. Frisk headed in, giving her a confused and wary look. Lola thought about leaving. Frisk clearly and understandably wasn't happy about her being here. She was likely hiding in the stall right now and texting Toriel or Chara to get her out of here. Or calling security.
But she couldn't bring herself to leave. She knew what she needed to do.
Frisk emerged after a few minutes. She again glanced at Lola, then ignored her and headed to the sink to wash her hands. Lola knew this was her only chance to amend things, if she ever could.
"Frisk?" she asked softly.
"What?" Frisk's voice was sharp and blunt, no less than she deserved.
Lola looked at the ground. "I'm sorry. For everything." Frisk turned to look at her, surprised, and Lola continued. "I was a shit mother. I hurt you and Tina a lot, and I can never make up for that. I-I thought about writing you both after you wrote that letter, but...but I didn't know what to say...so I didn't. But that's no excuse." She shuffled her feet. "I don't expect either of you to forgive me, or to want any contact with me, but... I had to say it. I'm sorry, Frisk. I'm so, so sorry."
She dared to look up. Frisk again looked like she was filtering through responses, but didn't seem to know what to say. So she just nodded, acknowledging Lola's apology.
Lola smiled. "You-You and Tina...you're the only good things I ever brought into this world. You two were great kids. Are still great kids. I-I wanted you to know that. I wish I had told you back then. And...you're gonna be a great mom, Frisk. The best."
Frisk's eyes widened. She didn't seem to know how to feel, but then she spoke again. "...Thanks." she said softly, and surprised Lola by giving her a tiny smile.
Lola returned it. "I won't keep you from your family. But... if you feel comfortable doing it, can you tell Tina I'm sorry too?" Frisk nodded slightly. "And...I understand if you don't want any further contact with me after this. But... if-if you ever need anything..." She pulled a notepad out of her purse and scribbled down her number and address.
She handed it to Frisk, who took it with a soft, slightly awkward, "Thanks," before wishing her a good day and leaving the bathroom. Lola watched her go, then left as well and headed out of the store, feeling a lot lighter.
She didn't know if Frisk or Tina would ever want to see her again, or if she'd ever know her grandchild. But for the first time in her life she had done the right thing, accepted the blame for what she had done wrong and gave Frisk the apology she deserved. She knew it couldn't erase what she did, after all, life had no erasers.
But maybe now, she could write herself a better ending.
...
I honestly don't know if Frisk will ever contact her birth mother again. While she has come to forgive Lola for her own sake, the trust was well and clearly broken long ago. But Lola's apology will provide both of them some closure and help heal some old scars.
