Do you remember our last kiss?
The question echoed through Derek's mind as he looked at his wife beside him on the passenger seat. Addison was sitting comfortably, her gaze fixed on the road, avoiding his eyes. Did he? No. Yes. Maybe. He shook his head. Where had this question even come from?
That he knew the answer to. Last night, after the horrific day that he'd spent at the hospital, he drove to Meredith's house. She needed me. He didn't know what compelled him to do so, but he knew that he needed to see her. He waited till Addison was asleep before getting into his jeep and driving all the way to her house. She was, of course, shocked to see him there. Shocked that he cared but that even so, that didn't seem to stop her to ask him that question.
It was nothing. Derek kept repeating to himself. They didn't do anything, but then why does he feel this pit inside his stomach? Why does he feel like he had just betrayed the trust of his wife? The one who, against all odds—nasty mothers-in-law and affairs—stood by him and uprooted her life just so they could be together?
Sure, he still hasn't fully forgave her, but in his heart of hearts, he knew he loved Addison. He knew the moment he met her during that summer, when they locked eyes over the cadaver, that she would be the woman who'd breathe the life back into him. Even after everything that happened, he still longed for the comfort and warmth that she could bring to him. A breath of fresh air can't ever compete with the life that she brought to him. She was his lifeline. It was as if some invisible string was attached to the two of them.
That's why it hurt him when he knew that she was in pain—especially when he knew that he was the one who inflicted it. He felt her pain, he knew her pain, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to her. He can't even bring himself to tell her that he still loves her. He's still waiting for the right time, he supposes.
I just know I still love you.
"Derek?" He heard her call him, shifting his gaze back to the road as she turned to look at him.
"What?" He said stiffly.
"You missed our turn," She explained, putting her hand on his knee. "We were supposed to make a left turn a few blocks ago."
"You're, uh, you're right." He said as he started maneuvering the wheel, pausing to give Addison a small smile. She gave him a soft smile in return. "I'm sorry. I guess I was distracted."
"I know," Addison nodded. "I can tell. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Addison."
"I mean, we don't have to. I'm just saying that if you want to talk about it, we can." She interrupted him, flushing immensely at his gaze. "If you don't want to, it's fine with me. I just…you know, we could talk. You can talk to me about anything."
Derek nodded, turning her words in his head. "It's embarrassing."
"What?"
"What I was thinking about, it's embarrassing." He chuckled.
"Well, now you have to tell me." Addison smirked, fixing her gaze on him.
"Do you really want to know?" Derek asked, giving her a sidelong glance.
"Of course."
"Do you remember our last kiss?" Derek asked.
"Of course." Addison answered without hesitation. "Don't you?"
Derek looked down guiltily, not knowing what to say. When did they last kiss? Was it this morning while they were brushing their teeth? Last night before they went to bed? He tried his best to remember, but he can't seem to remember the last time they kissed.
"We kissed last night, right?" He looked at her uncertainly. Addison shook her head.
"I kissed you last night." Addison said, her nails suddenly becoming very entertaining. "But no, our last kiss wasn't last night."
"What?" Derek asked in confusion.
"Do you remember when we were at the hospital?"
Derek scoffed. "Addison, we're always at the hospital."
"No, I meant in New York." Addison corrected herself while fiddling with her nails.
Derek tried to rack his brain. The last time he was at that hospital felt like a lifetime ago. It can't be possible that the last time they kissed had been that long, has it? And even if it was, he can't, for the life of him, remember kissing his wife then. All he could remember were those hurried kisses that he'd give her every time they saw each other in the hallway or when she manages to corner him in his office. Derek felt another tinge of guilt in his heart. Addison may have done a crime against him, but now, he realizes that she wasn't the lone culprit.
He tried to open his mouth to say something but she had beat him to it. "We weren't working that day. It was when, uh… It was when I. I, it was when we, rather, uhm, lost the baby."
"But it's been…"
"Four years," She finished, looking up to meet his eyes. "I know. It doesn't make sense, but that was the last time we kissed. At least that's what I remember…don't you remember that?"
"I remember." He said as he reached for hand, grasping it inside of his.
How could he not? That day was the most unforgettable day of his life. It was the day that they were supposed to meet their child for the first time. He could still remember how his hand trembled in nervousness, how Addison held his hand in hers and reminded him that everything would be okay—at the end of the day, they'd be able to take home their baby and they would be a family.
How wrong she was.
Everything has never been okay since that day. It all started when Addison told Derek that she thought there was something wrong with the baby, he called the doctor and they confirmed that the baby's umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck. After that, everything became a blur. It was frantic. The last thing Derek could remember clearly was sharing a kiss with Addison before she was taken to the OR.
"We can survive this." She told him as they pulled away. He placed a kiss on her temple, before whispering. "We always do."
"We didn't survive though," Addison's voice cut through his thoughts. "I mean, separately, I guess we did. We got successful, you and me—we survived, but at what cost?"
"We could've survived together, but you went ahead and slept with my best friend." Derek flinched as the words escaped his mouth. He looked at Addison, seeing the hurt in her eyes, he immediately regretted what he said. "Addison, I didn't mean to." He shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"I was lonely, Derek." She said tiredly. "I am lonely."
He snorted. "You're always lonely, Addison."
"Then stop." She shook his hand off, her eyes never leaving his.
"What?"
"Stop giving me a reason to be lonely." She said, wiping away the tear threatening to fall from her eye. "You know, I could be with any man, with any person. I can be in New York. Or the Hamptons. But nothing would change, I'd still be lonely because you're not with me. I need you with me, Derek."
"But I am with you." He uttered. "We're in the same car, we live in the same house, we work together; what else do you want?"
"But are you really with me?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Meredith." Addison whispered, shaking her head as she remembered the events of the night before. "You thought I was asleep last night, but I wasn't. I heard you when you went to her house."
"Addison…"
"No, I understand. She needed someone." Addison said, mustering all that she could to give him a reassuring smile. "But, Derek, I…well, maybe I need you too. I need you to look at me. I need you to talk to me. I need you to care because we're trying. We need to do these things to fix us."
"I…" He paused. Addison was right, he did need to do a lot of things to fix their relationship. Things that he admittedly tried to avoid doing. One of which was being honest to her. "Addison?"
"Yeah?"
"The question, the reason why I asked you the question was because Meredith asked me the same question last night. And I said yes." He glanced at her, a momentary look of hurt passed across her face—one would miss it if they looked too slowly.
Addison shifted in her seat, she nodded slowly. "It's okay." She said, her voice quivered. "You remember her, it's hard to forget people you love."
"Loved." He corrected her, grasping her hand once again. He felt weight on his chest being lifted. Though he wasn't planning on saying that—he was hoping to wait for the right time—it didn't matter. He needed her to know that he was with her.
"Oh." Addison looked at him, trying to hide the surprise on her face. She hadn't expected him to say that, she was hoping that he'd tell her he loved her before that, but it didn't matter. The way he looked at her right now spoke volume. It was as if she was being transported back to the first time he told her he loved her. "So, uhm, you're with me?"
Derek stayed silent for a moment, and Addison's heart began to drop as they neared the parking lot of the hospital. She shouldn't have assumed, but how could she not? She'd always been like that when it came to him it's almost embarrassing.
He was still grasping her hand as they finished parking. Addison shifted uncomfortably as Derek looked at her, but he gave her a soft smile, squeezing her hand reassuringly.
"I'm with you." He whispered, caressing her cheek with the back of his thumb. "And I am trying. We're trying. I won't promise you anything, but I know I can't survive without you…is that okay?"
"Yeah, it's okay." Addison nodded uncontrollably. She chuckled as he leaned forward, looking at her questioningly. "That's okay too."
She felt him smile against her lips as their lips met. Her arms immediately wrapped around his neck, his hands caressing her waist softly. It was like a choreographed dance with them—perfected by the time they'd spent together—but it never failed to surprise her. Every time they kissed after their first, it seemed to get better and better. Good came later, and then really good came.
"Do you remember our last kiss?" He asked breathlessly as they pulled away from each other.
"No." Addison whispered, laughing as he gave her an incredulous look. "I believe there was another kiss after the last one."
Derek smiled as they leaned in once again for another kiss. Then another. And another.
This wasn't how he planned the perfect time to be. Far from it actually, but he's glad that it went like this because he could never imagine having one last kiss with her. He wanted her now and for every day until eternity.
A/N: Hello! How's everyone been doing? I'm sorry I haven't posted for ages, I'm still trying to find time to start writing like I used to. In other news, I'm graduating in a few months and hopefully get a vacation after that. Fingers crossed that I'll be able to update my unfinished stories. I really want to thank all of you for your patience.
I hope you enjoyed this fic! Thank you for reading xx.
