Two weeks in the field, two high value bounties successfully collected. Sarah was in her element and feeling better she could ever remember feeling in her life. She and Casey really clicked as a team. The gruff, unfriendly, unfeeling man she was expecting turned out to be a considerate partner. He even had a sense of humor. As they celebrated the end of their second successful mission over dinner she found herself wondering what he would be like in bed.
"Oh God, here we go," Casey said disgustedly.
Sarah was startled. She hadn't just said that out loud had she? She started to panic, "What? What is it?"
"You KNOW what. I saw you making cow eyes at me. You never could keep it in your pants, could you?" Casey said bluntly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Sarah countered in an offended tone. Now she was REALLY starting to panic. She'd never had a guy see through her so easily. Was she losing her touch as a spy?
"Sorry, Walker. I know you too well for you to pull off dumb blonde with ME," Casey pressed relentlessly.
"Look, I think we're just having some kind of miscommunication," Sarah threw out quickly. "Or maybe you're just in a mood. Either way, I'm not feeling hungry any more." She put down her napkin and beat a quick retreat to her room. She closed and locked her door, then went into her bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. Had that really just happened? It had to have been a hallucination. If it was real she'd DIE of embarrassment.
Her head was spinning. How had the day gone from such a high to such a low so quickly? Where the hell did Casey get off? OK, so she was THINKING about being unprofessional but that didn't count, did it? She was always the one having to remind guys she worked with (and occasionally women) to be professional. She never dreamed she could be on the receiving end. So what did she do? She didn't touch him, she didn't say anything suggestive, she was in the clear, right? Sarah remembered half a dozen cases of guys winking, leering or blowing kisses at her. No, she was NOT in the clear. If she was drooling over Casey blatantly enough to make him uncomfortable, she needed to stop it.
Then she replayed her sorry attempt to deny it after she'd been called out. She tried to make Casey think it was HIS fault. God she was SUCH a pig. How would she ever be able to face him again?
Sarah spent an hour stripping, cleaning and reassembling her guns. Then she started sharpening her knives. She realized she was sulking. She tried talking herself down, telling herself it wasn't that bad, that she could just laugh it off. Then she realized she was still following the sexist pig playbook. What the hell was WRONG with her? She owed Casey an apology, the sooner the better.
Sarah dressed in her combat gear, getting as close to 'in uniform' as she could, then marched off to Casey's room and rapped sharply on his door.
Casey opened the door and looked at her. He seemed to approve of her attire and he invited her in. He gestured to a chair and sat in another on the other side of the table. Then he waited. Damn that man! He wasn't going to make it easy on her. She took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry, John. I owe you an apology," Sarah began. Casey nodded in approval. She continued, "I WAS imagining what you'd be like in bed. When you called me on it I was embarrassed and I pretended I didn't know what you were talking about. I knew perfectly well, you were right, I was unprofessional."
"Thank you," Casey said without rancor. "I appreciate how difficult it was to admit that. I hope we can continue our professional relationship with the understanding that anything more would require us to agree beforehand that we were going out on a date."
Sarah heaved a sigh of relief. OK, she could live with that.
"And just to be clear," Casey added. "I have absolutely NO interest in dating you and never have."
Sarah had to admit that stung. It hurt a lot more than she expected.
"I mean I get it," Casey relented. "We worked together for years, we developed a better professional rapport than I've ever had with any other team. It feels good to slip back into that rhythm. But it's muscle memory, not chemistry, and our team had a third member."
"Oh right, my 'husband'," Sarah gave the word air quotes. "I'm sure he provided plenty of comic relief."
Casey chuckled. "At first, yeah, he was completely hopeless. By the end, though," he shook his head in wonder. "By the end he was better than both of us put together. Chuck was easily the best damn spy I ever heard of."
"Come on, Casey," Sarah scoffed. "I ran with him every morning in California. I know he's a friend and you want to support his dream of us getting back to married life but try to ease up on the bullshit."
"I don't do matters of the heart, Walker," Casey snorted. "Wouldn't know how even if I WANTED to help you two get back together. What I gave you was my professional opinion."
Sarah gaped in disbelief, "I can't even imagine how that could be true."
"Yeah? Let's hope Juan Ramirez can't imagine it either," Casey's eyes gleamed. "I'm hoping to get Chuck to join up with us so we can collect the biggest bounty in the world. The bastard took out a bunch of servicemen on leave and laughed about it. Daddy wants some payback."
"Hmmm," Sarah felt uncomfortable. "I was planning on spending a couple weeks relaxing in Spain. I have this bet with Chuck. If he can go a month without contacting me I told him I'd make love to him."
"Interesting play," Casey was surprised. "I wonder what our new partner has planned for him."
"What?" Sarah was confused.
"Josie is never going to have a better shot at seducing Chuck than the one you're handing her," Casey pointed out. "I expect she's on phase II of her plan by now." He shrugged, "But I don't watch soap operas, not my kind of explosions," he winked and stood up, plainly inviting her to leave his room.
He gave her a firm handshake at the door saying, "Great to work with you again, Walker. Let me know how it all pans out and have fun in Spain."
That night Sarah did not sleep well. She dreamed she was at her favorite resort in Spain, lounging by the pool sipping a glass of champagne. A woman in a red bikini came running toward her, yelling, "Can't catch me!" and cannonballed into the pool, drenching her in water. She heard a familiar voice booming, "There is no escape!" A tall man leaped impossibly high and did a triple summersault into the pool coming up with red bikini woman in his arms. The couple were making out shamelessly.
"Take it back to your room kids, some of us are trying to relax here!" Sarah shouted at them.
"Oh my God, is that you, Sarah?" it was Chuck's voice. He climbed out of the pool, followed closely by red bikini woman, and walked over to her.
Chuck was giddy, happier than she'd ever seen him and she saw that red bikini woman was Josie. She stepped forward gushing, "Guess what Sarah, we're MARRIED!" She showed off her ring, it was gorgeous.
"What? How? I thought Chuck was still married to ME," Sarah said.
Chuck explained in a rush, "Actually we discovered there is a old law on the books that if a woman claims she doesn't remember being married and gives back the ring, a man can have the marriage annulled. Ta daa!" he showed off his gold band, it was bigger than the one he'd finally stopped wearing when she told him it bothered her.
"Isn't it amazing?" Josie asked. "Now you won't ever have to worry about Chuck calling or following you around." She clapped her hands and added, "And the BEST thing is, you don't even need to have sex with him to get a break!"
Chuck nodded happily saying, "It's true, Sarah. I'm totally cured of my obsession. Thank you SO much for making me realize what an ass I was being."
"Now let's take the lady's advice and take it back to our room," Josie said slyly.
Chuck nodded happily, took her hand and the couple broke out into a run.
Suddenly there was a man in a dark suit next to her. "Sarah Walker?" he asked.
"Uh, yes," she replied.
"I'm here to officially serve you with this notice of annulment of marriage and this notice of dissolution of corporation," the man handed her two official documents. "Also here is a check for your share of the residual corporate assets." He handed her a cashier's check.
"Your room at the Maison 23 has been cleared of all remaining personal effects," he gestured and a bell boy presented her with a large trunk on wheels. "This concludes my business, you need never speak to Charles Bartowski again as long as you live." The man bowed formally and departed.
She was free. Absolutely, totally free. She could go anywhere and be anything she wanted. She wanted to lay down and die. Chuck had been erased from her life. The word 'erased' echoed in her head and suddenly she was in a sweltering hut in Thailand. A doctor said, "There really is no point, he's almost totally gone." She held Chuck's head and begged him to come back to her. She was too late. She had torn through Thailand like the living avatar of Kali but she was too late. His brain had been wiped clean. She was in an underground bunker being debriefed. The CIA doctor said, "There is no medical explanation. The subject should have been reduced to a vegetative state."
"Are you honestly suggesting that the subject's personality was completely restored by the power of love? That he returned from oblivion because Agent Walker called out for him to come back?" General Beckman's voice dripped with sarcasm.
The doctor calmly stared into the camera saying "If I had a better explanation, I would gladly give it to you. Medical science has limits and this is beyond them."
She was back in the hut, crying, begging him to come back to her. She was too late. Chuck was gone forever. She was going to be hardass Sarah for the rest of her life. She would die alone, unmourned, and unloved. "NOOOOOO!" She screamed herself awake.
Sarah was sweating and shaking. She told herself it was only a dream. Yes, she enjoyed being hardass Sarah for two weeks after feeling so lost but Chuck was NOT just some annoying puppy following her around and constantly trying to lick her face. He was her lifeline. He was her rock. He was everything her father was not. She could love him and never worry about being betrayed or abandoned. Dear God how she needed to hear his voice. She grabbed her phone and dialed his number. It rang twice and disconnected. "No, no, no, no!" she dialed again. This time it disconnected after one ring. Was he deliberately declining her calls? She tried one more time and got the same result. He WAS. She dialed the office and got Morgan.
"Hi Morgan, this is Sarah. I'm trying to get in touch with Chuck," she couldn't keep her voice from quavering.
"Sarah! What's wrong? Are you in trouble?" Morgan sounded on the verge of panic.
"No, nothing like that Morgan. I just wanted to hear Chuck's voice and when I dialed his number it seemed like he was declining my calls." she started to calm down. Whatever was going on, Morgan would know.
"Yeah, I'm sorry but I don't think Chuck is ready to talk to you just yet. Didn't you tell him you didn't want to hear from him for a month?" Morgan seemed sympathetic but confused.
"Um, yeah I said that but I guess I broke before he did. You can tell him he won the bet and I'm ready to pay up," Sarah realized she would do pretty much anything if he would just talk to her.
"Uh, I'm afraid that's not the issue, Sarah. I'm not sure if it's really my place to tell you about this," it felt like Morgan was driving an icicle through her chest.
"Just give it to me straight, Morgan. I'm literally losing my mind here," Sarah was oddly calm. She felt detached from her body.
"Ok, calm down, I'll tell you everything I know," Morgan said. "Chuck realized that he was trying to hang on to Old Sarah and that it was totally unfair to you. It was putting pressure on you to be someone you no longer are and once he came to terms with that he felt really awful about it."
Sarah took a few deep breaths. OK, so it doesn't sound like he married Josie. Let go of the worst case scenario. "Tell him it's OK, I forgive him," Sarah said quickly.
Morgan sighed, "It's not that simple, Sarah. Chuck has been coming to terms with the fact that Old Sarah is gone. His wife is dead and she's not coming back."
"I'm right HERE!" a voice screamed in Sarah's head. "Don't leave me!"
A power surge rocketed through her head. She saw white and felt like she was being turned inside out. Her mind was reeling. A hurricane of strange emotions surged through her. She clutched her head and rocked back and forth. Eventually she heard a frantic voice saying, "Sarah? Sarah are you OK? Can you hear me?"
She picked up the phone and caught her breath. "I'm here. My head hurts but I don't think I've been shot or cut." She did a quick inventory, flexing all her major muscles and finding nothing amiss. "Yeah, I don't have any injuries except the head." She ran her hands over her skull. "Not finding any contusions on my skull so probably not a concussion." Wait a second who was she talking to? "I'm sorry, who are you?"
"It's me, Morgan, remember? What CAN you remember?" the voice on the other end of the line sounded really worried.
"Morgan," she rolled the name around in her head. Short guy, beard, extremely helpful, some self esteem issues. "Hey I remember you," she said fondly. "What were we talking about?"
There was a long pause before Morgan replied, "You just finished a bounty hunting mission and you're in Berlin. You tried to call Chuck and he wasn't answering."
"Chuck!" the name hit her like a thunderbolt.
"Chuck is fine, Sarah," Morgan reassured her.
OK, Berlin, yeah. She'd been having dinner with Casey. He got fresh with her. No, that wasn't right. Well something embarrassing happened but they were OK now. Chuck married Josie? "Morgan, are Chuck and Josie married?" she asked.
"Oh God, NO, Sarah. Chuck's not married to anyone. Well, technically he's still married to you but he's making good progress in letting go of that," Morgan reassured her.
"What? NO!" Sarah felt a surge of fear run through her.
"It's OK, Sarah. Really. Just breathe. I'm sure whatever is going on with you, you two can sort it out," Morgan's confidence was a lifeline. She took his advice and did a short meditative breathing exercise. When she opened her eyes, her sense of self started to fall back into place.
She remembered the missions with Casey and how good it felt. She remembered how good it felt not to have Chuck hovering over her, waiting for something. She remembered making a bet with him that he couldn't let go of her for a month. Now Morgan was telling her that he WAS letting go and it was killing her.
Chuck letting go of Old Sarah was what she wanted all along, wasn't it? Accepting her for who she was and letting her remember in her own time? Yes, but dear God that was a big ask. She had just a few shreds of memory of what Chuck meant to her and losing that would be unbearable. What would it be like if she had the full tapestry torn from her? It was too big to imagine. But he was working on it. He was tearing himself away from all those feelings. Because she asked him to. Because she made a stupid bet and dangled intimacy as a prize. What had she DONE? She wanted to go back in time and beat that Sarah senseless.
"OK, I get the picture. I know I'm being the biggest bitch in history but tell Chuck mourning time is over. Tell him the giant blonde she-male is coming for her Chuck and may God have mercy on anything that gets in my way," Sarah hung up before Morgan could say a word and immediately dialed the jet service.
"Hello, I need immediate transport from Berlin to Burbank. Yes, California, USA. $10,000 extra for emergency jet preparation is fine. $10,000 extra for emergency on call pilot. $5,000 service fee. Anything else? Good, I'm sure I can get to the terminal before you're fueled and ready," Sarah hung up and had a similar call with a shuttle service. She was at the terminal waiting for the pilot when her phone rang. It was Chuck. She thought about declining it, see how HE liked it. She found herself firmly telling her finger she'd blow it off at the first knuckle if it did anything but answer immediately.
"Is it really you, Chuck?" Sarah braced herself for disappointment.
"It's me, Sarah," said the voice she so desperately wanted to hear.
"I'm sorry I've been such a c***," the awful word just happened. Bad as it was, it wasn't bad enough. There was a long moment of silence.
"If you ever use that word to describe the woman I love again, I may have to cut out your tongue," Chuck said in a soft and scary voice. "And I know I'd never be able to forgive myself so please don't," that part was soft but not scary.
"OK, I feel ya," Sarah said with a nervous chuckle. "Old Sarah says hi," she choked out a sob and whispered. "She says don't give up on me." The tears ran down her face and she doubled over in pain, dropping to one knee.
There was harsh breathing on the other end of the line. She could tell Chuck was struggling to process something. She didn't even want to guess what he was going through. "Tell her the only thing in existence that could make me let go of Sarah is Sarah," Chuck replied, his voice ragged. "Also remind her that spies are allowed to come back from the dead. My father did it many times."
"All the Sarahs in me are so glad to hear you say that," she had no idea how badly she needed it. The giant blonde she-male wept with joy as her Chuck miraculously came back to her.
"Be my husband again, Chuck. Please," she didn't think about it before she said it but once the words came out she understood how raw her need was.
"I never stopped, Sarah," Chuck said quietly. She could tell he was crying. "Trying to stop was unthinkable but when it comes to your well being, impossible just isn't in my vocabulary." He took a few deep breaths before adding, "Anything else I can do for you?"
"Yeah, clear out my room at Maison 23. Ready or not I'm moving back in with you," she tried to be playful but fell far short.
"Welcome back and godspeed my love," Chuck said tenderly. "Have a safe flight, your job until I can hold you again is to take care of yourself."
"Roger that, Chuck. Counting the hours," Sarah said softly. "Sarah out." She hung up the phone before the tsunami of emotion she felt heading her way hit the shore. She drank plenty of water and got plenty of sleep on the jet. Her poor head throbbed and she dreamed hard. It was far from comfortable but somehow she felt at peace.
