Sarah vs Josie - round 2. Thanks to fezzywhigg and Katie Langville for pointing out the gaps in my first draft.
Chapter 8
Thursday afternoon was a role reversal from their Monday meeting. Sarah entered AG1 to find Josie waiting. "So," Sarah said in a neutral tone, "'Planning'."
Josie nodded solemnly and cleared her throat, "I've been thinking a lot about our meeting on Monday. Thinking brought up a lot of emotions and I needed to take a personal day yesterday to sort through them."
"Prudent," Sarah acknowledged. "The CIA trains us to lock feelings away. When we want to process them we have to fabricate our own tools."
"You understand my problem, then," Josie acknowledged with respect. "In hindsight I can see that the irresistible force that drew me to Carmichael Industries was how open and trusting Chuck is. I felt like I could stop constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the knife in the back. The reasons I gave myself were just rationalizations."
"That's amazingly insightful," Sarah said, clearly impressed. "I wish I had that kind of self awareness."
"Thank you," Josie was flattered but struggled not be TOO flattered. "I had to learn to be honest with myself the hard way," she said ruefully. "I have the emotional scars to prove it."
"So anyway, when you were as open as Chuck but as threatening as anyone else in the CIA, it naturally created some cognitive dissonance," Josie admitted. "On the one hand, you're not trying to deceive me for which I know I should be grateful. On the other, you're metaphorically standing there with a knife in your hand and you clearly know how to use it so I can't exactly relax."
Sarah nodded thoughtfully. As she continued to make eye contact with Josie her eyes filled with tears. Sarah didn't make a sound and barely blinked as the tears began running down her face.
Josie seemed thrown by Sarah's tears so she closed her eyes before continuing. "Your offer of a controlling stake in the holding company is EXACTLY what I need. It's such a wonderful offer that every instinct in me screams that it must be a trap. The fact that I can't see HOW it could be used against me when I have control should be reassuring but instead it's absolutely TERRIFYING."
Josie paused to look at Sarah. Sarah's eyes were filled with pain as the tears dripped off her chin. Josie looked away, then closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. When she was calm and centered she met Sarah's gaze again. Sarah's silent tears continued to flow, if anything the pain in her face intensified. "Oh for fuck's sake, STOP IT!" she shouted at Sarah.
"I'm sorry," Sarah said in a soft, hoarse voice. "You're like a woman crawling out of the desert, dying of thirst. I want nothing more than to give you a tall cool pitcher of water. Unfortunately, I'm a poisonous snake. Instead of offering comfort, I'm taunting you by putting what you desperately need right in front of you knowing that if you reach for it you risk being bitten and killed."
As Sarah's words sunk in Josie struggled to formulate a reply. She got out a "Well if.." and a "Maybe.." but quickly saw flaws in what she was about to say and stopped herself. Her frustration mounted and the muscles in her jaw tightened. Finally she just glared at Sarah and gasped out, "You... fucking... BITCH!" She closed her eyes and her hands curled into fists as she took a couple ragged breaths. Then suddenly her shoulders slumped. "Fuck it," she whispered in disgust.
Josie's shoulders began to shake and Sarah moved toward her to offer comfort. She was stopped in her tracks by Josie's cruel and grating laughter. "Twelve fucking hours," Josie said, her voice dripping with contempt. "I prepped for this meeting longer and harder than I ever did for any interrogation over the entire course of my career. I had a whole map of calibrated responses to any position you might take." Josie rolled her eyes and let out another bark of mocking laughter. "You blew it all up in minutes." She stood up and started pacing.
Sarah was extremely uncomfortable. Anything she could think of to get Josie to stop her self-flagellation would sound condescending. She didn't dare even meet Josie's eyes.
"Fuck it," Josie repeated. "There's no way to salvage this. I've shown you my ass. I give up. Whatever. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." She dropped hard into a chair.
Sarah took a deep breath. She avoided Josie's eyes as she said, "You know, the reason I can anticipate what you're thinking and feeling is that I've BEEN you. Your mother was a politician, my father was a con man. Both our parents were charming and fun and both taught us that manipulation is how to get by in the world." She met Josie's gaze and grimly added, "Both our parents also taught us that we could never count on them."
"Being utterly self reliant made us both good spies," Sarah explained. "But trying to make our way in the world without ever letting anyone in is soul crushing. Humans are a social species, we're just not built to live that way." Sarah shrugged helplessly.
"Chuck drew us both in because he knows how manipulative we can be but he sees good in us anyway. That's something we both stopped believing about ourselves a long time ago. He trusts each of us despite a mountain of evidence that he shouldn't. Everything we each learned as children says Chuck should have been burned by his trusting nature a long time ago. Somehow he has discovered a genius for not just surviving betrayal but for always finding a way to win in spite of it. Do we DARE have the audacity to believe that we could do the same?"
Sarah let the question hang for a long moment before concluding "So yeah, I beat you, Josie. I completely outmaneuvered you by pulling a 'Chuck'. I was completely open and I showed you my ass on Monday. Nothing in your arsenal can trick someone who just hands you what you need simply because you need it. I know I still look like the poisonous reptile I used to be but I'm not and you don't have to be either. You'll never beat us so you may as well join us," Sarah chuckled.
Josie stared at Sarah blankly. There was long, uncomfortable silence that Sarah finally broke.
"I understand this is hard to accept. I was so frightened by the prospect of staying close to Chuck that I started a relationship with the most narcissistic douchenozzle in the history of the CIA to get away from him," Sarah admitted. "God I was an idiot! This other guy was everything Chuck isn't. He used and discarded people like toilet paper and in my logs I admired his professionalism." Sarah's lip curled in disgust. "I was such a good little robot, so quick to wipe away any humanity that seeped in between my gears. My reward would have been a one way trip to the bottom of the Seine if Chuck hadn't rescued me. My lover was going to kill me to send a message to the CIA. I was just a Post-It note to him. Talk about showing your ass!" Sarah buried her face in her palms at the memory. "Believe me, as embarrassed as you might feel today, you would need cutting edge mining equipment to drill deep enough to reach the depths of my stupidity then."
Sarah's story enabled Josie to focus on something outside of herself and reply, "Are you really trying to one up me on stupidity after humiliating me in the manipulation game?"
"No, I...," Sarah paused a moment and really thought about it. "I guess I am aren't I? Sorry for being a competitive megabitch. I CAN admit that you're way ahead of me when it comes to motherhood, though. I have no idea where to start looking for the guts to take that leap."
"Good one," Josie admitted after a moment. "You have identified an area in which I surpass the legendary Sarah Walker. I gratefully reclaim a sliver of self respect."
"Seriously though," Sarah replied. "This is a lot. Book yourself a spa day tomorrow, on Carmichael Industries. Forward me any meetings you can't cancel and I'll take notes."
"Why don't you go ahead and choke on your spa day, you smug cow," Josie shot back bitterly. "Hey look at me, I can be open and honest too. Am I winning yet?"
Sarah grabbed an imaginary notebook and said in calm and measured German accent, "Ah yes, hostility to an authority figure is perfectly normal. Why don't we explore these feelings further in our next session?"
"Bitch," Josie chuckled darkly.
"Takes one to know one," Sarah shot back. She stuck out her tongue.
"You're making it really hard not to slap you right now," Josie noted.
Sarah shrugged, "If it will make you feel better go ahead. I've got my workout clothes in the car, we can hit the gym and do some hard sparring if you really want to blow off some steam."
Josie snorted, "You'd like that wouldn't you? One more way for you to kick my ass."
Sarah didn't respond. She didn't even make eye contact. She remained lost in her thoughts and left Josie alone with her own. Eventually, Josie said, "If I wanted to do a spa day right, I'd go to a place I know in Santa Barbara. I wouldn't be back in time to pick up Desmond from day care."
Still not making eye contact, Sarah said, "Chuck and I could pick him up. Does he like Chuck E. Cheese?"
Josie giggled, "Wouldn't that trigger a black hole of Chuck?"
The laughter was contagious. The women snickered and guffawed and broke into an impromptu rap battle for most embarrassing expression of mirth. With tears in their eyes they ended up hugging it out.
"Desmond is still too young to enjoy going out so if you could just take him back to my place I would appreciate it. You and Chuck should come by around 6:30 tonight to meet Desmond and I can show you his routine," Josie said.
"Text me the address. Should we bring anything?" Sarah asked.
"Hmmm," Josie thought for a moment. "Momma enjoys a glass of Pinot Noir from time to time."
"You got it," Sarah replied immediately. Josie was already on her phone.
"You can make room for one Queen of the Nile treatment tomorrow? Splendid," Josie purred into the phone, then mouthed 'Thank You' to Sarah.
Sarah gave a small bow of acknowledgement and left to update Chuck's schedule.
